Toddler Won't Fall Asleep Unless I'm in His Room with Him

I have said it before but it bears repeating... Humans are the only mammals that put their babies away from them to sleep. And why? Because society says to? Children are often afraid and want comfort. I wish parents would worry less about why their children are unhappy away from them. It is perfectly normal.

Totally normal! Most kids need to be "parented to sleep" (as the Sears doctors call it) well into preschool. When our second son was born, I decided that I needed to help him go to sleep without me, as I often need to do the bedtime routine without my husband.

I started slow. I would stay a few minutes and then say, "I need to use the restroom, and then I'll come right back," or "I'm going to load the dishwasher and come right back." I always came back! After a couple of nights of being out of the room for 2 or 3 minutes, I increased it to 5 or 6 minutes. It wasn't long before he was asleep before I got back. And not long after that, we began our little routine of tuck him in, hugs and kisses, goodnight and I left.

Fine a system and a routine that you are comfortable with. Just introduce it gradually, and you'll be fine. If you need ideas try Elizabeth Pantley's "The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers." She's got some great tips.

I laid down with my daughter, or her dad did, for virtually every nap and every bedtime. We just decided to do it that way and not fight what she needed for sleep. No crying to go to sleep in our home, just nice close cuddle time. They do grow out of that need eventually. They are only little once.

He is so young.
They also get Separation Anxiety at various age junctures.
Not only when babies.

This is common.
Nothing 'wrong' with it.

My perspective is: I did what I needed to, per my kids' cues, for sleep.
And it they were going through various developmental changes/teething/hitting milestones/hitting Growth-spurts, I KNEW that... and I KNEW it tweaks a child's sleep.
I did not do cry it out or anything.
I, bonded with my kids, co-slept or gave feedings, as they needed, per their cues.
I knew, what they were crying for, per their sounds. I knew each sound they made.

Your baby is having Separation Anxiety. This is a developmental occurrence which is just, there. Part of development. It is INvoluntary.
It happens to all, babies and kids.

Also, sleep is NOT, static, in kids. Nor even in adults.
I don't know of any adult, that has slept the SAME way, since they were babies. All of us, when babies/toddlers/older children/pre-teens/teens/college kids/adults/elderly... ALL change in our sleep. Per life stages.

Sleep, will always change. It ebbs and flows.

It also depends on if he is napping.
Over-tired babies/kids... do not sleep well and actually they wake more and have a harder time sleeping. And for some, it actually makes them more 'hyper.'

This is but one stage, of sleep tweaks.

Just do what he needs, to fall asleep.
Then you can leave the room.
Kids, even adults, don't just pass out as soon as their heads hit the pillow. They need to, wind-down, first.

Also, don't do anything hyper or horse-play or super active, before naps or bedtime. That just keys up a child. Then they can't sleep. Because they were not wound-down, yet.
Pre-sleep and Pre-nap.... even 1 hour prior... make things QUIET and calm... and set the stage.
As a child gets older, they NEED to 'wind-down' first, before nap or bed. Their cognizance is different now... more aware. Of any little thing.

It is developmental.

I also do, when my kids got older, what Jennifer G. said... per my kids. I sit in the room. I read a magazine. I do not engage with them or even look at them. I tell them in a monotonous voice "sleep time..." and don't look or chat.
Or I do lie down by them, if need be.
They lull to sleep.
They like seeing me there. It is comforting. I have no problem with that.
THEN, I also say "I need to go pee... will come back..." and then I leave the room. And then I come back. But at varying intervals. But that, so my kids 'trust' that I will be back. Then I take longer and what not.
Then they fall asleep. Even if I am there or not.
It is a ROUTINE.

Also remember, that a child that age, does NOT even have, fully-developed Impulse Control yet. This is not fully developed yet, even until maybe 3 years old. For some kids, older.

If your not into having him cry it out, then you need to continue to comfort him till he falls off. I used to lay in bed with mine and read stories, they always fell asleep that way.... then I slowly snuck out leaving only a kiss on the cheek. Bedtime story routine is a great habit to start.

Sounds normal. I like laying with my kids until they fall asleep. If they're tired it takes 15 min.

I would try cry it out at this point, he is old enough to understand that it is bed time. I am not saying to just let him cry for hours on end, but for 5 minutes at a time. I used to go in every 5 minutes to comfort, and once he was calm I would leave right away, if he cried I would wait another 5 and go in again. It may make for a couple of long nights, but in the end it will be well worth it.

If NOTHING has changed with his routine, his room environment, etc then he's got to be doing this because he likes the results - that you stay in the room with him. You've got to reverse this pattern or it will get worse and harder to break! I guess I would start with ignoring if you know nothing is wrong and nothing has changed. If this is too harsh for you then there may be more creative ways to get him excited about sleeping in his room alone or something. Nightlight? Special new stuffed toy who is a superhero protector? Something of yours for him to snuggle with?

we too did what Jennifer G did...we just had to do this about 4 months ago (dd was 19 months old). Ours started after a severe storm that rolled through, but it's not uncommon for them to go through an anxiety phase like this at this age anyway. we started with a timer for 10 minutes and then we'd have to "use the bathroom" or "check on the baby or puppies" then the time moved to 5 minutes and now we are to where we can just lie her down and turn on the noise machine and leave again.

Sounds normal to me! He's looking to be secure, but with his imagination increasing, being alone can be scary.

Ditto to Jennifer G.... I did the exact same thing. It does take time, but its so worth it. Middle of the night wake up visits are a non-issue with this "trick".

Start off with a story to settle him down if he isn't already, then just sit quietly for 15-20 minutes.
Let him know you're leaving, but at the same time let him know to expect you back in a couple minutes. First few nights only excuse yourself once. When he's ok (3-4nights later) with that, make it two trips out and back. Make sure you do as you say you'll do. Wait a few days and increase the time. Each time he gets up out of bed is an indication you're going too fast for him and he's feeling insecure.

If you've ever had dogs that you've trained to "stay"... its VERY much like that. Each time you increase the number of minutes you stay away, you need to decrease the trips away. So build up to 4-5 minutes away on one trip and then increase to two trips away but only for 1-2 minutes. Slowly build your two trips away to 4-5 minutes again and then go back to 1-2 miuntes for three trips per minute. I can almost guarantee that once you get to 3 trips a night for 5-8 minutes away, he's going to start being asleep when you get back from that third trip and then will be falling asleep on his own more and more before you get back from trip two. It takes some time, but in the end he will feel secure while alone in his room.

Sit by his bed and start reading books to him, Nice calm bedtime stories,,nothing exciting and flashy, nothing with all sorts of pictures he will want to see. Have him lay down, and just read to him. It is good for his brain, and will lull him to sleep. Pretty soon he will be in gear to go to sleep fast when you start reading. it will program his mind to relax. This is why husbands fall asleep when we talk to them..lol

I suggest the same thing as Jennifer G - I did this SAME exact method with my son (he was older though, about 3yr old), and it worked like a charm. There were still nights when he was up in the middle of the night, but he was mostly sleeping like a champ.
Now it's time to use my own advice on my 3yr old daughter! ;)

I have always rocked my son to sleep for naptime. It is nice cuddle time, but mostly because I can't get him to fall asleep on his own at naptime. At bedtime we go through brushing teet, story time, and prayers. After that we give kisses and he goes to sleep on his own. We had to put a child proof door knob on the door knob to keep him from continually getting up. I know this sounds harsh, but I am not a happy person when I have to get up at night. He doesn't get up in the middle of the night anymore, and he stays in bed after I leave the room. The first two nights were hard hearing him cry, but he cried for about 20 min the first night and then 8 min the next night. After he got done crying he put himself in bed and went to sleep. We have had maybe two nights since when he got up out of bed. We tell him to get back in bed, he cries a little more and goes to sleep. This has been since about january out february when we did this, so he would have been the same age as your son is now. Just let him cry it out. As for naptime I cannot apply the same method otherwise he spends all his naptime screaming in his room. If you figure it out let me know!

I used to let my son, when he was a toddler, sleep in my pajama tops and t-shirts. It seemed to comfort him
- and he looked adorable with the long floppy sleeves, and tops down to his knees.