Toddler Wants to Feed Herself, but Isn't Quite Good Enough Yet :)

And the problem is?? There isn't one---you are so lucky that she is so self motivated to master a new skill. Remember, you didn't tie your shoes the very first time, or even the second or third. You practiced. Do babies just stand up and walk across the room? No, it all takes practice...She is practicing, and practice makes perfect. She is just the right age and if she senses your frustration or you step in all of the time she will eventually say bag it and you'll be back to feeding her and managing a new little one. Be patient, hang in there and encourage her. She can do it and so can you!!! The time it takes her to eat and the mess are totally secondary...You rock and you can both do it!

Hi L.,

I am not sure why you are trying to control your daughter's eating. Don't you want her to learn to do things for herself? If you do everything for her all of her life, what will she do when she is an adult? Just relax and let her go for it. She will learn by practicing as we all do. She will eat what she needs it is clear that you are not trying to starve her. She will probably make a mess. I bought the zoo pals plastic utensils from the grocery store and my kids love them because of the animals. They want to always pick which ones they want. "I want the monkey spoon today." We want to raise independent kiddos so that we know they will be able to problem solve and think for themselves when they are older. If she purposely starts making a mess, remove her from the table immediately and have her have some bedroom time until she wants to come out and eat sweetly. But some spills are bound to happen, she's 17 months old.

They also make some really great bibs with big pockets at the bottom. I got some of the plastic ones with these pockets and they wiped off easily and the kids could pick the hotdogs or cheese and lunchmeat bits out of the pockets when they were done with what was on the plate.

Just relax, kids can be messy at times. And we have to be willing to give up control on the things we can no longer control with our children. They'll let you know when they are ready to start practicing. I am an extreme OCD sufferer and I have to mentally tell myself, it's only food, it can be cleaned up, and the long term goal is to let my kids think for themselves.

I always "took turns" with my daughter. She has her own utensil to hold, and I have one as well. And we would take turns (or when I was feeling brave I would say "you feed me and I'll feed you"- popular but yikes). This way she still had the independence she wanted and I knew she at least got something in there. Plus it did give her the practice she needed.

Let her do it or try. My son ate yogurt with the spoon upside down for six months I think! :) It was messy, I told him I wasn't going to clean him off until he was all done and he was fine with just trying.
Make sure her utensils are for little hands and fingers.
She will get it, it is like any milestone they figure it out as they get dexterity in their fingers and hands.
Just encourage her, try to feed her things that do not require utensils, put it out there for her and say "I will feed you if you do not eat it yourself". Don't offer utensils unless necessary, get her cordination up with her fingers first. If she is messy say "oh no, we will clean you up when you are done" or hand her a rag and let her keep it on her highchair tray to wipe as she goes. That way she is being independent but able to clean herself up if she doesn't like being messy. Both of my kids hated their hands being messy during eating, I just was firm I wasn't going to clean them up with every bite and to wait until they were all done! :)
Good luck, congrats. Mealtimes will be power struggles and is so normal for them to want independence but get frustrated easily. Try and keep it fun, light hearted but from here on out just set some easy clear rules, not jump to her every whim or cave if she pitches a fit. Put out bite sized foods for her to use her hands first. Then if she gets mad get her down for a break. Bring her back to try again. Try spoons with simple things like cheerios, with very little milk in the bowl so it won't be too messy.
I had these cool spoons with a bent handle for toddlers, go them at Target, so there was only one way they could hold it and that was the right way!
Good luck, it will be better soon.

Offer that you'll help her, or clean her up when she's all done. We have a little one that is incredibly messy still (gets it in his hair and one his glasses), but he has fun and he eats an amazing amount. There will probably come a time when she'll use her fingers more. Our son now picks it up with his hand and places it on the utensil. It's fun, but they get the hang of it. Just let her have fun. You might be grateful in a few days to have something to entertain her with while you tend to the baby! :) Congratulations!

Well, Practice makes perfect. Your daughter won't learn how to feed herself with a spoon, unless you allow her to do it on her own. Unless you're planning on nursing and insist on nursing in a room separate from the kitchen, you can supervise her mealtimes (& be there when her fingers need wiped off)while you nurse the baby. Bottle feeding would be the same.
Oh....and DON'T stress so much. If you put a plastic tablecloth under her chair, all you need to do is hose it off in the shower and Viola!..no getting on the floor to wipe it all up. Same with the high chair tray...hose it off in the sink or the tub. Remember...you are going to have a newborn to take care of, being lazy (tired from lack of sleep & stress of birth)is ok for a couple of weeks, so don't be afraid to ask friends & family to come over and help a couple hours a week.

L.:
I feel your pain as my 21 month old toddlers have been going through this for a few months. Like everyone else has said, it will just take time. With my boys though, they go in fits and starts-for several days they have to feed themselves, then they let me help a few days later.
Some ideas for foods that aren't quite as messy but can be eaten with fork or spoon: sandwiches (grilled cheese...) cut up into bite size pieces, fruit cup up, cheese in small cubes, pasta, rice. She can still practice with the utensils but it's not quite as messy as more liquid foods.

I just read all your responses because I am in the exact position with my 17 month old twins. I just wanted you to have some encouragement because I also have not let them feed themselves with utensils. But I am definitely feeling like I should let them. So good luck we will be in this together!

Just give her the utensils. Yes it's messier than you feeding her, but she has to learn how to use them and the only way she will ever get good at eating with utensils is to practice using them. Personally as long as the mess she is making is in the attempt at getting the food in her mouth it's not a big deal. I only really have a problem when my kids start playing with the food and end up messy or making the mess just to be messy. Of course at 17 months you have to expect some playing with the food as natural because that is how kids learn about different textures and about the different foods they are eating. So it's ok, it's inevitable, and needs to happen sometime.

Let her have at it, at her age she should be feeding herself for the most part, keep the baby wipes handy and let her figure it out, it usually doesn't take long before they get it.

My kids were even younger when they decided they want to feed themselves. They have to learn sometime! I know it drives you crazy to watch the food drop in her lap instead of get to her mouth, but if you keep feeding her now, you will still be doing it for her when she's 5. Let her have her independence. My 2nd hates it if anyone tries to feed her and it usually just makes her mad to the point that she won't eat at all. Just let her be, she will learn, I promise! She gains the coordination to use utensils by practicing with them and actually using them. Also, most 18 monthers lose some of their appetite at this age. Freaks a lot of us out, too, but they just don't eat as much/as often as they used to. It's totally normal. If your child is hungry, you will be able to tell. My second goes into the pantry and finds her own snack and brings it to me. Don't stress yourself out over this one, there are other battles that are more important that you're going to have to deal with, especially with a new baby on the way. Good luck!

I got a clear plastic shower curtain cut it in half and I have two 'drop cloths' that take turns under the high chair.

practice makes perfect.

Also, something to carry you through for the next 17 years: choose your battles wisely.

L.,

I think this is really a blessing for you! While you are busy with new baby, your little girl will be busy working on getting her food into her mouth! Also, I won't be at all surprised if in a month you are writing us back asking us how to get your jealous 18-month-old to do more things for herself so you can care for your newborn! Let her try to feed herself. You can offer to help her and if she is hungry enough (not getting enough on her own), she will accept the help.

I got a big kick out of how she does not like dirty hands. My two-year-old has never liked anything "dirty" and also wipes his hands while eating. Now, we just give him a dry washcloth as his napkin and he wipes his own hands as needed while he is eating. I'm secretly hoping he is not OCD. LOL

Don't stress and congratulations on your little boy!

T.

I know it's messy but I'd let her eat on her own. My youngest didn't want any help from me at that age. It's hard to watch but she'll get enough in her tummy to thrive. I would not make meal times a time to stress out. Let her take as long as she needs and let it go. Good luck!!!

suggestions? just let her do it herself. . . it's that age! it's her job to want to try on her own, and how do we learn to do things like use a spoon effectively if someone does it for us instead? eating with children at this age is disgusting, they throw things on the floor, they put stuff in their mouths and spit it out, they want to use utensils and food flies everywhere. . . it is what it is! my little one used a fork for a long time, i didn't bother with foods that required spoons for a long time because it's just really difficult for babies to get the spoon, just cut things into stabbable chunks. she may be hungry sooner because she's not getting as much at each meal, feed her again, you'll know she's getting enough. i'm not trying to be crass or rude, it's just the reality and i'm sure thinking about having another baby and all that comes with that makes the thought of all these messes dreadful, but it's just sort of the reality of mothering a tot! good luck with baby #2!

Kids are messy. Say it over and over. Kids are messy. Thats why we have bathtubs and bath usually comes soon after dinner.

With a new baby arriving on the scene any minute, now would be a terrific time to learn how to walk away, let her manage herself while you worry about other things, like the weather. She's well past the age of learning how to feed herself and should be managing her own intake of food both method and amount. GL!!

Dear L.,

Let her feed hereself!! Toddlers love to be independent. As an experienced Home Daycare provider of 6 children all under the age of 5 I have had the youngest 4 since tinybabaies. I always let them begin feeding themselves when they want to usually by the time they are 1 year they are independently feeding themselves with their fingers. By the time they are 18 months they are usually up to the table in a booster seat using utensils independently. Children will not starve themselves. Follow her queues let her feed herself as she will. If it bothers her to finger food feed herself. Provide her with a damp washcloth at meal time and teach her how to wipe her own hands. Yes, she is still a small babish child but she is becoming her own person and feeling that she needs to take control of part of her life and the first parts of her life controllable by her are her food then her toys. LET GO!!!! Let her practice let her make a mess it won't last for long and she will master the art of feeding herself with independent practice and time.

D.

Buy an old plastic table cloth that you can put under her high chair to protect the floor and let her go at it! My son loves to feed himself too and the table cloth is something that I can take outside and shake off or wipe down without too big of a hassle! And get some toddler silverware that is easy for little hands to handle! Good luck!

How will she learn to use a spoon and fork if she doesn't get to practice? Many kids can feed themselves very well with utensils by 17 months because they are allowed to practice. She can practice with the fork and then eat with her fingers enough to get full. You may just have to lay off of soups or other non-finger foods for awhile. Don't let eating become a power struggle! Do everything you can to keep mealtimes nice, not stressful. She will eat as much as she wants and needs when not pressured.

It is great that she wants to learn! For you allow more time for meals, and do oatmeal, cream of wheat, gits...etc until she is ready for cereal with milk. Apple sauce is another great one for learning but soon you can include yogurt and soups too. If she hates having food on her hands leave her a wash cloth to use herself throughout the meal. Just wait in another month or two she is going to want an open cup too...it is all part of the learning process...take meal times as time for you to get a few things done around the house, like unloading the dishwasher, taking out the recycling, or checking your email...that is if the computer is close to the kitchen.

Hi L. - sorry but there is no easy answer except to let her practice so that she gets better sooner! She sounds like an adorable little girl!

I found some toddler spoons at BabiesRUs a long time ago - I'm sure they still make them. They are short and chunky and have little holes in the spoon so that food will stick and doesnt immediately fall off if the spoon is turned over. She might also be ready to learn about a napkin - she could probably wipe enough off her own fingers to make her feel comfortable.

I know you're stressed about your little boy's arrival, it's totally understandable and trust me, I've been there. I just encourage you to please don't forget to smile and at least a little, try to enjoy these quirky little milestones.

this is a stage. don't stress. she will grow into doing it herself or she will take your help when she does get hungrier. just give her things she can eat with a fork and just work on the spoon with snacks. she'll get it.. :)

I would say let her go at it. My 18 month old has been feeding herself for the last 3 months or so. She now uses a spoon and a fork. She will eat with her hands some still. I am sure your little girl will eat plenty even without using her hands. She will get the hang of it before you know it. In the mean time I would put plastic under her high chair to catch the inevitable mess and take lots of pictures. They are so funny when they have food all over their face.

M.

SAHM of 3 girls, 3 year old, 18 month old and 2 weeks.

Hello L.!

Letting her make a mess is obviously, well, messy, but it's how she's learning. Just like she learned to walk...a little shaky at first, she probably fell a lot, but eventually she figured it out. Sometimes, once they decide they want to feed themselves, you have no say it in ever again. Our first daughter was like that at this exact age. Instead of fighting it, we just checked out the utensils she was using. Can she get the right angle? Sometimes, the utensil doesn't even pick up food and you never know it! We always just poked at a couple of pieces of everything our daughter was about to eat to make sure that she would have a good chance at picking it up. Also...something that helped a TON...have you seen those plastic spoons with little holes in them? They are Sassy Baby Less Mess Toddler Spoons. I bought mine at Target but I have seen them at Walmart and they are also on Amazon. The holes in the spoon create a suction and it holds the food on better. The handle is slightly curved and it has that rubbery stuff for a good grip, too. I would say try something like that. Also, have a thing of wipies there all the time and just assume that you're gonna have a mess to clean up. Stay away from things like spaghetti and rice on days that you REALLY don't want a mess! Spaghetti is just a disaster and rice sticks to everything until it dries. Things like chicken and cooked veggies are way easier to clean up. You don't want to keep her away from all of the fun stuff but with a new baby coming (CONGRATS!!) you might want to really pick and choose when to give the extra messy things. Don't worry about whether or not she eats enough...a hungry kid will always find some way to get the food from the plate to their mouth. My youngest is 3 1/2 years old and has always hated getting food on her hands. When she wanted to eat on her own we the had same problem with her. Sometimes she really didn't have a choice and HAD TO use her hands. We just always gave her a wet baby wash cloth and when she started freaking out about food on her hands we would tell her "go ahead, wipe your hand on your rag, what a big girl!" and she would do it. Had to remind her to put the thing down when she was done but she did do it on her own. She may not have cleaned her hands completely but we just didn't bring it to her attention so most of the time she would just continue eating. Just leave it next to her so she has control over helping to keep herself clean. Other than that, just know that it gets better!!! Once she figures it out you'll be happy that she can do that on her own since you do have a new baby coming. Some patience and understanding in this situation will definitely have some great benefits very soon! Good luck!!

I agree with Joni about the toddler spoons that have the holes in them. They are fantastic for holding onto the food and the curved handle helps the toddler. Applesauce and yogurt rarely come off!