Toddler Tunes Out at Day Care

It sounds like she is not comfortable enough there to show her true self. Some kids warm up to new situations right away and others take longer and are not as comfortable away from mom and dad, even though she's been there for 7 months.

My youngest daughter started preschool this past fall. At home she is very talkative and social. At school she is happy, but very quiet and doesn't interact with many kids, mainly playing on her own. My first child was the same way when she started preschool. But when she started her 2nd year of preschool she was much more social and outgoing and had lots of friends. I can see this will be the case with my younger child as well.

Some kids are developmentally more social earlier and some later. Is she in a large daycare with lots of kids? Maybe it is overwhelming for her to be around so many kids and she would do better in a smaller setting with just a few kids.

Having 2 kids in day care myself, I can't imagine that the teachers mean anything negative by coming to you and letting you know what their observations are. I'm not sure how I'd react if they said that about one of our kids.

But, I agree with the Moms who mentioned her possibly being very shy. I'm also wondering about her choice not to interact - could she be overstimulated in an environment like that? How does she do with friends her age one-on-one? How is she at birthday parties, etc?

You could certainly try another facility if you think this one isn't right for her, but I'd not do anything until making an appointment with the pediatrician (or at least a call to them) to see if, based upon what you're being told, there's any reason for concern or action.

Good luck. Hopefully, she's just learning to interact with other kids and will come out of her shell soon.

**Adding This:
Here is a very interesting article that might apply:
http://www.channel4.com/health/microsites/F/family/proble...
It is about "selective mutism" in kids.

She's probably shy.... in situations where they are a lot of other kids and things going on.
My daughter, was/is like that. She is not withdrawn though.
But my daughter, can be shy when the group is large. But as she's gotten older, she's gotten more outgoing, publicly.
At home, she's just fine, like your daughter.

This behavior only occurs at DayCare.... so, maybe its not a good fit. Maybe its the environment.... maybe its just too many kids and its overwhelming for her, maybe its the structure, and its probably a combination of things. Maybe she just isn't ready for Daycare yet.
Maybe she feels that going to Daycare is a not fun place. And she obviously has not adapted yet.

Has your daughter said why she does not like it? Can she verbalize that perhaps, even for her young age?

All the best,
Susan

Not socializing with other kids could indicate a problem, or she may just be shy. Either way it wouldn't hurt to let the Early Intervention people evaluate her. If there is a problem getting help now is the best thing you could do. Waiting to see if she grows out of it could turn a small easily fixed problem into a big developmental delay. Plus, even if they find that there is nothing wrong with her they may be able to give the teachers suggestions on how to help her open up. Right now her behavior is impacting her life in a negative way, that needs to be fixed. I would also approach the meeting with the daycare people carefully. I'm sure that they have already tried praising, encouraging, spending time with her, and other things. I would we quite offended if you came and told me how to do my job. Please approach it in a way where you want to work together to help her. (I've taught pre-k for 9 years so I have a lot of opinions on this matter). Of course your child acts differently at home, they all do. If you are willing to sit down and listen to what they have to say and then work on a solution the meeting can be beneficial, but if you are going in to suggest things they are probably already doing it will just be offensive.

It definitly could be many things. But if a teacher is making an observation why not get her evaluated.? Then there is no questions or doubts on your end. I would be the same way thinking someone is putting a label or prejudging my child just because she isn't being as social as others. You can definitly talk to the pre-school about a 1 on 1. But honestly they might not be equipped to devote time singularly to your daughter. My friends sisters sons were both happy at home and out of sorts at pre-school. She had them tested before anyone said to. Both are on the spectrum and she got the kids in with the programs right away. The 6 year old is now in kinder and doing great and the 3 year old is doing much better in day care. You do what feels right. Question, if your daughter was limping would you let it work itself out and hope she is ok, or get her checked out? same here the evaluation is just checking in to see that she is developing fine. You know she is ok. This will document it and no more questions asked. Best of luck.

My children are much older .... but isn't it a sad world when all children are expected to be social butterflies! Why don't you try joining a Mommy and Me class and see for yourself how she is with other children. If she seems more like herself... then relax. Try to find a more private childcare with a smaller setting, and go that route for awhile. If you see what the preschool teachers have told you and no encouragement from you will get her to act like herself in a social situation ... then maybe you should have her observed, the longer she is in the daycare situation and acts and reacts as she has been... the quicker it will become a learned pattern of behavior. You don't want that to happen. Perhaps if you introduced her as 'your dancer' or 'singer'....maybe she is hearing the word 'shy' from to many people.

I went through a similar situation when my daughter was little. She was smarr and bright and funny and talkative at home but very shy around lots og people. We kept her in day care and other social situations but she did not change for the better. Finally in sixth grade we had her tested by a private OT who said she was a classic case with sensory integration issues. This eval was covered by insurance and I highly recommend it. The earlier the better so your daughter does not have to suffer for years. Mine then had listerning therapy, sensory integration, cranial sacral, and primitive reflexes therapies. It changed her life and now she is 21, in college, happy, and social. I wish the same for your daughter!

K. Johnson, MS Ed
www.pyramidofpotential.com

Hi,
If I was you I would do two things. First one, would be let her be tested since you have a lot to gain and nothing to lose. If she needs any type of help the sooner the better. The second one would be to record her with a camera and show the teachers how she behaves at home. The fact that she hasn't been able to connect with the daycare, teachers and kids her age might be due to different reasons, but you need to find out.
A side note, when my niece was in kinder the teacher approached my sister and asked her if my niece Sara spoke English, if not they could have her transferred to an ESL class. My sister was puzzled and asked why was the teacher asking. The teacher said, 'well, Sara won't pay attention, when I tell her it's circle time she stares at me and doesn't answer, all the kids come and sit, and she stays at the table doing whatever she is doing, she won't answer questions, she won't even try to participate in class' Of course Sara spoke English!!! Sara just wanted to do what she wanted to do!!! so when they got home my sister told her that if she ever embarrassed her (my sister) again like that, she was going to be in big trouble. Needless to say Sara spoke English and listed after that day!!! :)
Don't give up, just try to find out what the cause of the problem is and if she needs help the sooner the better.
I'll keep you all in my prayers.
:)

If it is one on one time she needs then daycare may not be the right place for her. Have you considered hosting an au pair? The cost would probably be less than daycare at $340 per week and your whole family benefits from a cultural experience. I can help you get started. http://egendler.aupairnews.com

At the end of my son's second year in pre-school, his teachers advised me to wait a year for kindergarten, as my son was not very social, preferred playing alone to group play, always sat in the back of the circle, and always assumed a 'wait to see what everyone else does'beforechoosinga toy or activity. I knew this since the pre-school had observation rooms with two way mirrors so I watched him for most of the time he was there. Though I certainly could not disagree with the things they mentioned (although like yours, at home he was a happy out going self-starter), I disagreed it was wise to wait a year. For one thing he was already a head taller than most kids his age, and his cognitive skills were actually very advanced. Frankly, I think he was just plain bored at pre-school. He graduates from high school this year with a 98 GPA, huge SAT and ACT scores, was offered a Merit scholarship for every school he applied to, has a small but close group of friends, is a fun kid but is never going to be a social butterfly. Different kids need different kinds of stimulation to keep them interested. I think if I'd followed their advice, he'd've been bored to tears every second of every school day. Maybe you should consider another day-care (particularly a more 'home' type than school type), jeesh, 2 years old is a little young for you to worry about learning issues, especially since her behavior is different at home.

It can't hurt to get an early intervention evaluation. My kids were all evaluated for things like speech, OT and PT and they got really great services. My good friend's son was in the 2s class with my daughter. He is very smart. At 2, he could count, he could tell you the make and model of almost every car, knew his colors etc.... My friend thought he was a genius (he probably is!) But the school requested he be evaluated because he didn't interact with other kids and also seemed to be repeating what the teachers said (echolalia). Turns out he has an autism spectrum disorder. He got early intervention. He is doing amazing. He's in a regular first grade class now... Hopefully your daughter is just being shy, but you might as well get her evaluated. It's at no cost to you and, if there is any issue whatseover, it's better to start working on it early on. My kids LOVED getting PT and OT. The therapists make it like gym time for them!

Maybe the center just isn't the right place for her. Sometimes, kids just won't take to certain places for whatever reason. Over the 6 years that I've been in the daycare world with my two children, we have made a couple switches. For various reasons. One of which was our son didn't seem "himself" at one center, so we moved him and he's in hog heaven now. =0) By all means, still have your meeting with the teachers/director. But, maybe you can start checking out other daycare centers in your area. If you find another one that you really love and are comfortable with...take your daugther there one day for a visit. See how she acts around the new children and new teacher. Explain to the staff that she doesn't seem herself at her current center and you're thinking about making a change. See what they say and what advice they give you. It may be as simple as your daughter just being "over" her current environment. If you don't want to go as far as to tour another facility all together, maybe your daugther could be moved to the next classroom in her current center.....to see if she meshes better with the older kids and their teachers. Either way, you'll get it all figured out. But, she clearly isn't content with where she is now. Of course our kids will be a little shy at times, but they shouldn't be two completely different kids like that. That's definitely a red flag that something isn't making her happy and comfortable....

My son, who's now 3.5, has a form of sensory integration disorder that manifests as extreme shyness. We've had very similar experiences -- a whole series of teachers being surprised/amazed to learn that my son is verbal, engaged, and exuberant among adults he trusts. We did do early intervention, and honestly, while some of our experiences with that were very positive, others weren't at all. I would still recommend an evaluation, but please go into it knowing that not everyone is going to get it right, not everyone will know how to speak to / in front of a sensitive, observant child, and that you -- as the mom -- ARE the ultimate authority in this situation, even if aren't always treated that way.

Honestly, I wish I had more of an answer for you -- we are still looking for some kind of OT -- pending an evaluation from a pediatric neurologist. The only thing I'm sure about is that this kind of rare, shy intelligence is precious and extraordinary -- I think our kids are one in a million, and I'm sure you do to.

My very best to you and your family,

Mira

Sounds like she is not happy there. Trust your instincts - find another day care. If she is happy at home, what can be done so that she can have more time at home with you? It seems that is what she is saying she really wants. I don't think anything else can really fix it. Any way a gma or aunt can come over 1/wk and mom scale back to part time? It's just for a few years and such a crucial bonding time. I know it is hard financially. Trust me!