Toddler Not Sleeping Thru the Night

H.-

First of all, my condolences to you and your daughter. I understand a divorce can be hard - on both you and your daughter. That being said, I think it's obvious why she's coming to you or wanting to sleep with you. She has questiosn and no answers "Why isn't daddy here?" "Where did he go?" "Is he coming back?" etc. As far as getting her to sleep through the night, I do not think that there is a solution for her at this point and in this situation. If I were in your shoes, I'd take every advantage to explain to her what is going on - in her own terms. Explain that her daddy loves her but just is away for now and you do not know when he'll come back. If you realize (or he tells you) he is not coming back, I suggest both of you going to a counselor/therapist to help her deal with his abandonment. In the meantime, let her sleep with you if she wants. You both need the extra care, nurturing, cuddling and love right now. It won't last forever and it may be just what you both need to help start the healing process. She probably keeps waking up to ensure that you, too, are not going to leave.

Good luck and you and your little one will be in my thoughts and prayers!!

Hi H.,
So sorry that you and your daughter are going through this, and especially that her father is having limited contact. My son is going through a divorce and we are all upset that his wife doesn't want to cooperate in a joint custody arrangement, so your situation seems even more of a shame to me. I got divorced when my boys were 8 and 5, and my youngest did the same thing as your daughter. He would only fall asleep in his own bed if I laid down with him (often, I would fall asleep too). Even then, I would find him in my bed when I woke the next morning. I think he was about nine before he started sleeping in his own bed all night. I never got upset with him but I would sometimes say something like "You're going to be seven years old next week. Do you think you want to sleep in your own bed then?" He would always say Yes, but then he just couldn't do it. We had a better situation than you do, in that we had joint custody so he got to spend a lot of time with his dad. I think he slept in his own bed just fine at Dad's house. :)Honestly, I think he was anxious about his dad not being there, but I can't say for sure. I wish you the very best. Keep working on being a good mommy and hang in there!

Good Morning H., I am so very sorry for what you are going through with your husband. It is just as hard on Rachel as it is for you. She is just to little to understand why daddy is gone. Shame on HIM for not keeping in contact with this precious little girl.

It may be all wrong to alot of other Mama's right now, but in my heart I would let her stay with you at night for a while anyway. She probably feels more secure with you right there where she can reach out and touch you or hear you breathing. Put her in your bed to begin with and let her know you will be in a little later. She needs some Mama time at night when it's dark.

I was barely 17 months old when my parents divorced. Mom didn't remarry until I was around 4, but I remember the little rooming house we lived in and mom let me sleep with her, when she came home at night. She worked nights at a small cafe and the land lady watched me, put me to bed, etc. But I would be Up watching out the window for mom to come walking home. We snuggled up together and went to sleep.
Then I got Rheumatic fever and went to live with my Nana for quite a while. Your little Rachel needs reassurance right now that your not leaving too.

God be with you through this difficult time.
K. Nana of 5

Hey there. I am sorry to hear about your divorce and problems with your daughter sleeping through the night. I have a son who will soon turn three, and his father and I split up over a year ago. He rarely sees his son and has actually left the country. I don't know if I have any great advice, as my son has always had problems sleeping through the night as well! I usually let him sleep with me, which maybe I shouldn't do, but it does comfort him! He also asks me where his dad is and even still cries for him! I just try to be there for him and understand what he is going through. He is not as upset as he used to be, but I can tell he is some. So anyway, I may not have a solution, but just so you know I understand what you are going through! If you ever want anyone to talk to, I am always looking for some other single moms to be friends with!
Take Care,
T.

Dear H.,
I am sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Your daugher's reaction (sleep issues) is perfectly normal. There are so many changes in her life right now and she is too young to understand why all of the changes are happening. She is mourning the loss of her dad and is likely confused as to why he sees her less and less.
I have never been through a divorce, but my sister-in-law has and I have watched her kids go through similar issues and it has taken them years to come to terms with their father's daily absence (he was a daily presence in their lives and an active parent during the married years, became more distant when they split up, and is now more involved in their lives, but lives very far away so the relationship is by phone, e-mail, and several visits a year). The kids are becoming more confident; and my husband and father-in-law have stepped in to be regular positive male role models in their lives.
It may help to plan a special visit with her dad (if that is even still possible), plan special events with other positive male role models in her life (her grandfathers, a beloved uncle, etc.), and to keep her daily routine as stable as possible. Remind her often that none of this is her fault. As to the sleep issues, try a special new evening ritual with her (read extra books, have a special sharing of the day's events time, create a special bedtime song that just the two of you sing). Try to take her back to her own bed on the nights you are not working and rub her back and sing to her to help her learn to sleep in her own bed again. It will take time.
Best of luck and I hope that you both are able to see more restful nights soon.
K.
P.S. I agree with Karen too. Let her sleep with you when you can as long as you both are getting some sleep. She needs your reassurance, especially at night. She will eventually sleep on her own, but it will take time.