OK, so I emailed out a couple weeks ago about my daughter being scared of her room/the dark. With all your great ideas I created her magic room spray to scare off all the scary things. That has worked well, thank you! Now she refuses to go to bed at all!! We have the whole routine, bath, brush teeth, read books, now rest with us in the recliner for a couple mins, no more night lights now her nightstand light on all night, etc... but she screams not to leave, to stay with her, comes up with EVERY ailment to come back to her room to attend to her, will only allow ME to do ANYthing-ugh! We are SO frustrated as it is usally a TWO hour ordeal and we want to go to bed. To make things worse I am often doing this along b/c of my husbands job AND we have a 5 1/2 mos. in bed at 7:30 right next door to her room. I will NOT stay in her bed with her for a little bit nor will bring her in our room unless it's thundering (a whole nother issue!). Last night I told her I would come back every five minutes IF she was quiet. It seemed to work however as 9:30 approached I told her I was no longer coming in and she had a meltdown! Luckily the baby has not woken up the last two nights during her ordeal but has in the past which poses new issues when I am home alone. She does still sleep with MY pillow and likes that but almost turns "evil" at night. She does still nap but am thinking we need to wake her up after so long as she will go 3 hours. Our goal is 8/8:30. Any more suggestions as to how to get her to go to sleep on her own? I really think it's too bright in there but it makes her feel comfortable. Thanks in advance for the great advice!
Thanks for the GREAT advice. Maybe a little too premature to respond already but I told her a couple hours before her bedtime that when once she is in bed and I leave the room, I will NOT be coming back and she totally got it! She was very calm when we put her to bed, I did not have to ready any books to her, my husband actually did and I put her down. I think giving her the heads up prepared her for the night however with the rain coming, it could be a set back! This blog is fantastic-thanks again for some ideas!
i've read that a red lightbulb as a nightlight helps. the red hues are recvd differently by the eye, whereas the white bulbs give off a blue hue, which causes some sort of brain reaction to waken or stimulate the brain. try changing the bulb to a red one!
I'd also consider not having her nap and go to bed at 6pm. she might be a bear by 4pm, though, so there's always the tradeoff....
good luck.
I agree with the 1st poster...you have a very smart girl on your hands! :)
The first thing I thought of when I read your post was that there was a little too much negotiation going on at bedtime. I can't imagine how tiring it is to be checking on her every 5 minutes! It is probably keeping her stimulated to know that mommy will be coming back every few minutes instead of allowing her to settle down for bed. I remember seeing a routine on one of the nanny shows that I am going to use with my daughter (luckily she is not old enough to argue with me...YET). The nanny had the bedtime routine of hugs, kisses and a book, then bed. If the child got out of bed, the parent takes the child back to bed and says in a quiet voice, "It's bedtime" and gives a kiss. If the child gets up after that the parent just leads the child back to bed every time without talking or emotion. The key was to be consistent every night. It probably will take a few nights to kick in, but your daughter will soon realize that arguing/negotiating will no longer get a rise out of you.
Good Luck!
Annie
Adrsma said everything I was going to say, but couldn't put it to words as well.
seriously... at 3, she is clearly manipulating you. If she were 9 months, this would be a whole different response from me, but not by much. if you KNOW she is fine, not sick with an earache or fever put your foot down...
obviously none of us can see the way you are interacting with her when you go in, but i concur, that all lights out affairs should be 'strictly business'. I'm not saying go in there like Atilla the Hun, but don't restart the bedtime routine, or read a book, or snuggle if she's fine.
my son would choose to eat fruit and those gerber crunchies (like puffy cheetos) all the time, but i know better - he needs veggies and protein... the same way your daughter needs to sleep, you know what's best for her, so put it into action and dont back down. you'll know when she truly truly needs you.
My kids did this at this age too. But I prefer to treat my children with respect, I believe their feelings matter. They have needs, they are not trying to manipulate me. Maybe she's still anxious about her room, maybe she is still scared, maybe she wants closeness with you. What's wrong with sitting with her for a little while? You might sit with her for a 10 minutes and then tell her you will be back to check on her soon. After doing that a few nights she will be secure enoough that you are coming back to fall asleep mor easily. Why did you tell her you weren't coming back the one night? It sounds like she was calm until then. That must have made her feel less secure. Talk to her in advance, have a set routine and try to stick to it, but there's no reason that routine can't be gentle and a little flexible. Cherish her, she's not going to need you frorever.
She keeps looking for reasons to NEED you. She sounds like she has you wrapped around your little finger mom. Maybe jealousy of new baby and you having to spend more time with her. Tell her you'll put her to bad and make one more trip in her room to check on her at night...THAT'S IT! If she argues, tell her you won't come back, and don't. Play music or whatever else you have to in order to drown her out. You can't break down and go to her or she's won again...she'll never learn that way. It's hard, but she's making it hard. Make sure she has her favorite soft toy or doll with her.
Be firm. Bed time is bed time. At 3 she understands, is smart, and is playing you (my daughter will be 4 in June, I know the age group well). Do your routine and tuck her in. If she starts screaming you can go in, but the thing we found most effective was taking a toy away. Doesn't even have to be a favorite! Tell her if you have to come back again to quiet her you will take a toy. Do this a few times and hopefully she'll quit, just the threat works for us if our daughter acts up now. For us the routine is key. Good luck.
I am having similar issues. My 5 year old daughter will not go to bed. We have taken naps away, unless she falls asleep, then only 30 to 60 min nap is allowed. Bedtime is 8-8:30. We play a game of cards, read a book, tell a story, and then lay with her until she falls asleep(10-30 mins). We do tell her that if she is good, she will get a star on the calendar. When she gets 5 stars, she can sleep with mommy on Friday night. Seems to work most nights. Please let me know what else I can do.
Thanks
I went through the same thing with my middle son. Go get a sound machiene, they usually play 4 to 5 different sounds. I got ours from walmart 3 yrs ago. It will also help with storms cuz it will help wash that noise out. It is good to let her pick out her own night light then it is special. It took a few nights but what a charm.
Good Luck,
V.
So this is about control or wrapped around your finger? She is a young child with needs! I did all of the crying it out, listen to other moms, follow the doctor advice with my 1st child. It helped us to develop a detached relationship. No brownie points there. The next two children, I learned to trust myself and follow my intuition on what felt right as a parent. It wasn't ignoring and letting them cry it out. Google ~ attachment parenting and see what you come up with!
As hard it it might be for a few short nights, I would "let her cry". Since she is older, there isn't the stigma of letting your baby cry. Your daughter is training you. Switch the tables on her. Your little one most likely will be fine. They learn to tune out very quickly. If this seems like too much for you, maybe a noise machine. You can get one that has birds, the ocean, white noise, anything that she can listen too that might alleviate her stress over being left. You can fnd them at Target, or BBB. The best gift you can give your child is good sleep habits. Good luck.
Wow - you've got a very smart little girl on your hands!
You did a great thing with the magic spray and, as you can see, it worked. However, now that the 'monsters' have been put to rest your daughter is smart enough to know that she is going to have to do something else to continue to stall the bedtime and garner your attention. Give her credit - she's intelligent enough to know how to manipulate this system and didn't just give up after the 'monster spray'.
It won't be easy but you need to stop giving attention to your daughter after her bedtime routine has completed. Tell her that tonight she is going to start a new routine. After the bath, brushing teeth, book, tell her it is time to go to bed and stay in bed for the entire night. And, after you put her in bed that is it. No more return trips, no more reassurances, no explaining to her why she needs to sleep, no yelling at her - nothing. When you give attention, be it positive or negative, you are reinforcing the idea that if she screams, begs, pleads, whatever, you are going to come back to her and give in.
After the final goodnight, leave the room and let her be. She's 3 years old and knows what she is doing, and by now you probably know the difference between the 'emergency cry' and the 'I want attention cry'. She does not need you - she needs to go to sleep. If you have to return, then go in as silent and unemotional as possible. The more you talk, the more exciting you make it for her and the more difficult it will be for her to sleep. Make it as boring as possible.
Understand that this will not cure itself in one night. It could take a week. Be consistent with your techniques, because as long as you keep going in there, giving in to her demands for your attention, and reassuring her, she will only learn that "If I scream, she will come".
Part of it is she's probably not tired. My daughter is also almost 3 and in the process of giving up her nap. On the days she doesn't nap, she's ready for bed between 7-8 (or even earlier!). When she does nap, it's more like 9-10.
The other part is that she's not even 3 and she wants and needs her mom! It's not manipulative, it's developmentally appropriate! Ours is one of the only countries in the world where we expect babies and young children to go to sleep alone, like at night they should suddenly become little adults and not need us. This time in a family's life is so short and precious and I consider it an honor and blessing to be the one my children trust to meet their needs- day and night :). Those few minutes I snuggle up with them as they fall asleep and then sneak off to my own bed (or not if I fall asleep, too! :) will be remembered fondly by all of us.
Unfortunately, I didn't always see or do things this way, and sure some nights I feel pretty spent, but I always regret when I've chosen conflict over connection and meeting the needs of my kids. I now recognize I pay a price in joy, trust and relationship each time.
Choose joy!
