Toddler Fit Throwing

It's definitely a phase. Walk away. Ignore it. Even if you're in the market with a cart load of groceries...leave. Hang tough, Mom!

My husband and I have learned to walk away from the fit throwing. As soon as our son realizes that no one is paying attention to that "bad behavior" he stops.

I know that toddlers don't like to be abruptly taken away from something that they are doing. So ask yourself when is he throwing these fits? Is it when you take him away from his toys or when you are telling him not to do something? If that is the case then warn your son before you change the activity. Kids like to know what is going to happen next so if he is playing with his toys and you need to go somewhere let him, in a couple min we are going to pick up your toys and go bye-bye ok? then say it again, one more min and then we are going bye-bye. Then when it is time start singing a clean up song like "clean up clean up everybody clean up" and when he does make sure you give him lots of praise. I am a huge fan or possitive renforcement which works very well for my daughter. I notice that when my daughter is cutting a tooth her behavior is very different. Don't be afraid to medicate for a tooth ache. Wouldn't you want something to help heal the pain if you had a toothache? (ask your Dr. first) I ti s good that he wants to be independent but let him be apart of your planning that way he will feel more comfortable when a change is about to happen.

I feel that with my three kids it has been a phase. Either way phase or not you still have to deal with it but being consistant is the key. What you are doing is great. After dealing with it for some time you may want to do a time out. I have only when I felt the child really understands this is not nice and you do not do it. If the child hits, I have held the hand down and toward the back side a bit and counted to 10 outloud so the child hears and knows the hand is in "Time out" If the child deliberately has pulled my hair or grabbed and scratched my face/neck as he/she is upset I do the same thing. Depending on the action I have put him/her in time out in the corner for 30 sec. again counting out loud, with loving hands assisting holding him there with my hands on his legs. When we are done counting I reassure him, tell him not to do the action, LOVE him then hug him. Then we continue playing. If you are consistent now, it will make what many others call the "terrible twos" a WHOLE LOT EASIER!!!

At 15 months, most of the advice won't really be absorbed, I'm afraid. Walking away from a 3 year-old throwing a fit is a lot different than walking away from a 15 month old because perspectives are so different.

From your message, it sounds like you're taking a very tender approach with him. It's completely your prerogative to choose to discipline him as you best see fit as long as it's working the way you want it to.

It sounds, from your message, that your tender approach may need to be a little more authoritative. You can get a point across really well to a baby without crossing the lines you're not comfortable with. The way you say it can determine a lot. You can take him by the wrists and hold them by his chest, look him in the eyes, and firmly say, "NO, we do NOT hit". Right now, he is just learning right from wrong, and simple sentences are always going to be easier. At 15 months, they really don't understand cause/effect, so I don't believe that time-outs are effective for many more months.

Being consistent is the most important thing at the end of the day. You have to make sure you're enforcing what you believe every moment of every day, and he'll learn what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior.

Good luck!

My oldest son, now 7, used to throw very bad tantrums. Most of the time, they occurred when he was very tired and I think he just needed to learn how to express his anger and frustration. I guess we were lucky that they never happened anywhere other than at home, but when he was really young, we would just ignore it and let him get it out of his system. When he was 2 or 3, we would put him in his room and tell him no one wanted to see him act like that so he needed to be by himself and he could come out when he was ready to be nice again. After the fits were over, we would talk to him about it and explain how he should really be behaving and handling whatever situation had set him off. They eventually stopped and I had actually forgotten about them until last week. We made the mistake of letting our kids stay up watching TV until 9 a couple of nights in a row, although our 4 year old would still end up falling asleep around 8 anyway. Obviously our 7 year old couldn't handle it and we learned the hard way because one night when we got home, he threw a major fit over a game he and his brother were playing when he didn't get his way. Being that he is older now, it was much louder and shocked our 4 year old (who was never a fit thrower) and terrified our baby, so he spent the rest of the night in his room. After he calmed down, he was very pleasant, but chose to play quietly by himself. I put him to bed at 7 that night and he slept for over 12 hours. We definitely learned our lesson and there will be no more late nights in our house! You may start to recognize signs of when one is about to occur and then you can try to sidetrack him with other toys or actions. Good luck! Tantrums are not easy to deal with, but I think you're doing great and know that they will get fewer and farther between and eventually stop!

My oldest son did this to us as well, and we tried to comfort him and love on him and it just made him madder! So what I had to do at the end was put him in his bed and tell him when he was done he could come out! He would throw his stuffed animals, pillows etc but he would calm down within a half hour or so and come out like nothing happened and we wouldn't say anything to him about what had happened! That was the key, we made the mistake the first time and he went back into a fit so we learned that lesson quick of just staying quite! Good Luck to you and you son!

Several comments...

Watch a few 'Supernanny' shows. They deal with just about every issue of childrearing, so after a few shows, you've probably seen your issue dealt with a couple of times.

Knowing your child's basic temperament and 'love language' can help a lot in knowing how to deal with his or her out-of-control emotions. Make sure YOU stay calm, though. Here is a site with a test to figure out anyone's temperament (even your own, but it must be based on how you intuitively and naturally felt and acted as a child, not how you've developed). http://www.oneishy.com/personality/personality_test.php If he's a phlegmatic and/or melancholy, he needs more quiet understanding when he 'loses it'. If he's a sanguine and/or choleric, he needs more discipline and structure. And anyone needs some quiet time alone at some point in the routine to 'process'. If you're part phlegmatic and he's part choleric, or if you're part melancholy and he's part sanguine, it makes parenting difficult, but you can still do it well! Understanding is the key. (Knowing the temperaments can help you get along better with ANYONE!)

Everyone has one or more love languages, too. It's what we need to feel secure and safe in someone's love. They are:
Acts of service (having someone DO things for us)
Receiving gifts (some people thrive on this -- just receiving tokens of love)
Quality time (just being with someone)
Words of affirmation (compliments, encouragement, praise)
Physical touch (pats, hugs, kisses, leaning against someone, playing with hair, etc).
With children, it's rather easy to figure out what they crave of these 5 things, but here is a website for it, also. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

I was (and am, with my 3 grandchildren) a 'spanker', so I'm not experienced with total abstinence from it.

P.S. And I TOTALLY agree that tantrums are often thrown simply for attention. Ignore them as much as possible! If the child doesnt' GET any attention, why throw a tantrum?

My husband and I have never tolerated fit throwing and our 4yo has never once thrown a fit in any store because he knows he can't get away with it. I would definately not walk away from them or leave the store when they are throwing a fit. That only reinforces, that they are the one in control if you are going to stop what you are doing and leave every time a fit pops up! Good luck, and be strong, toddlers are strong willed!

Time out! Our daughter too goes in nasty phases. If I know she is sick or something, we give her a bit more leeway with fits. But no matter what, we do not tolerate hitting. That is not acceptable. As soon as she starts hitting, we say, no you don't hit. If she hits again, we give her a warning. If she still does it, in time out she goes. We put her there for 1 minute. And I have done time outs in stores. Worked in Best Buy, not so much in Babies R Us (too many wonderful distractions and too many things to touch and be naughty). I find the time out stops short whatever path she was going on, and switches her attention from whatever was making her angry.

Yes, it is a phase, but the length of the phase depends on how you deal with the fit throwing.

I understand the no physical discipline, but he may not understand why you don't want him to hit...I would pop (just enough to show him how it feels) him once and ask if he likes it when you do it. Most likely he will not, then tell him we don't hit, so you shouldn't either. This is how we broke my daughter from the biting stage most little ones go through. I thought it was the worst idea ever until I seen it work. My step-mother did it and she asked her if she liked it, of course she didn't so she then told her that hurts me too and if you don't want me to bite then you can't do it.
I hope this helps.

It really depends on what works for your little guy. Holding, loving, and comforting worked for my first. With my second, this just intensified things. He settled quickest when I walked away and gave him his time. I'd try several things and end on what works. On the bright side, they will get worse, but not for long, and they will soon be very sporadic. I do believe in spanking for "extreme" things, but I'd never recommend spanking for something that's part of their development, or for a little guy who doesn't even understand the concept. Good luck, and you're doing a great job. Just hang in there and realize that this too shall pass.

When my boys would throw a tantrum we would just move anything out of the way, for thier safety, and ignore them. Most of the time they would do it to get a response out of the adults. If we were holding them when the fit started we would get up and set them on the floor, where they were safe and let them go. We did the same thing with telling them no about hitting. The trick is to be consistent in whatever you do. It also helps to be consistent even if you are out in public. I remember leaving a grocery cart full and walking out to the car, setting my son down and letting him cry it out. Sometimes we would go home and leave the grocery shopping go. If I did this I would find an employee and ask them if they could return the grocerys to the spots because we had to leave. Good Luck and God Bless!