I have a three yr old boy and a 16 month old girl who for the most part understand disapline. They know that there is a consequence for their actions. Well as much as a 3 yr old and 16 month old would know at their age level. We parent my three year old and 16 mo old with love. They have choices with consequences. I have learned a long time ago that traditional "old time discipline" does not work with my children. They respond better when you take away something from them, whether it be time or toys. I feel pretty comfortable with discipline. Boundaries seems to be my issue with them. Here are a few examples of what I mean. We go to my cousins house and they are in their cabinets, or open their entertainment center and start throwing the stuff in there out. My children are curious by nature, but more so then most. We went camping at a family reunion. My little girl, 16 mo old was so curious that she climbed the rocks for the fire pit, and almost fell in. By the grace of God, my uncle captured her. It is not like I don't watch my children, but you take you eye off of them for one moment and they are into everything!
I am attempting to teach my children manners. These are mommy's and daddy's toys (the computer and desk), these are your toys. You can play with your toys, not mommy and daddy's. They are just absolutely full of free spirit to get that figured out. Boundaries? Draw me a line and those kiddos will cross it.
Any Suggestions??
Thanks T.
Hi Theresa,
Thank you for raising your children with strict boundaries to show your love: awesome.
Out of the home can be a little trickier (it is for us), but I make the extra effort to *increase* their discipline when out of the house. It means I have less fun when we're visiting or enjoying time with our friends or family: but *OH* the compliments I get on my polite and well-behaved (and happy!) children... worth every minute.
T
My rule with my kids has always been 'If it's not yours, don't touch it.' They do need reminding occasionally when they are into something. I ask them is it yours? They say no, I say are you allowed? They say no and leave it alone. If they want to play with or in something then they are supposed to ask permission first. If they don't ask then they are not allowed, period. It has worked pretty well for me. Of course kids are kids and curious ones at that so it doesn't work 100% but nothing will. Good Luck.
-P.
You need to take the same discipline methods you use for other issues and apply them here. If they're climbing in your cousin's cabinets there are consequences and if they mess with the computer there are consequences. If your home is heavily child proofed you may want to take that down a notch and use some discipline methods instead, it'll help when they're in other places that are not child proof. I know you don't want to squash their curiosity but they're not only being rude but dangerous. They're misbehaving and getting away with it because you think they're too curious and have 'free spirits'. Also they're walking all over you and when it comes to testing the boundaries they're winning.
A relative of ours has a problem at family events and it's mostly because they're being totally inconsistent at the family's house. Expecting the children to know that it's not acceptable to go through the cabinets at somebody else's house and throw stuff on the floor when it's okay to do it at home is a little unreasonable. Make sure you're being consistent.
I took the approach of world proofing my children, no cabinet locks, no computer wire controls, no special door protectors, no outlet protectors, no toilet bowl locks, no baby gates (except on the stairs and only the youngest needed that), no refrigerator locks, etc. We kept the poisons and cleaners up high, other than that we used discipline, it works and I never had to worry that they'd get hurt at somebody else's house because they don't have outlet plugs. Our little ones are now 6 and 8 and we have rules but no pool fence, (they're not allowed on the pool deck unless an adult is watching and knows they're supposed to be watching) we explain the rules and consequences to all of our visiting friends and we've never had an issue.
Hi Theresa,
It's great that you want to help your kids be well-behaved! However, what a three years old and 16 month old are developmentally able to comprehend at this age might be a little lower than your current expectations. :)
It's often hard to figure this out, especially if you have a really verbal little three year old. Sometimes, I find myself forgetting how little my daughter is because she speaks so well. I forget she hasn't the same ability to internalize my instructions or manage her emotions.
It's important to understand where our children are developmentally at this age as well and what we can reasonably do for and expect of them as a parent. And, knowing the difference between discipline and punishment is a huge help in motivating our kids to learn to behave.
The "free spirit" your kids are exhibiting is normal childhood curiosity, a God-given gift that helps them to explore the world and develop their minds and bodies. It's our job as parents to provide a safe, healthy environment to do that exploring.
So...this means you'll need to watch them pretty closely at this age when visiting at a friends' house. Don't expect them to play and follow instructions without supervision while you visit with the adults. If they get into something they shouldn't, get down on their level and gently remove them from the situation to redirect or provide a fun alternative.
It's important to recognize the difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline is helping a child figure out the way he or she SHOULD go while punishment is telling them what they've done wrong. Constantly punishing a child, especially such a small one, is discouraging to them as they figure out what right and wrong are.
Our goal for our kids should be to develop in them an internal self regulating system that will help them to make right choices because they recognize what's right and want to do it, not because they're afraid we'll take something away or punish them.
Hopefully, as we learn to discipline our kids and teach them how to make the best choices, they'll begin to realize that listening to mom & dad results in fun rewards. At three years old and 16 months, praise and fun are the best motivators.
You're probably doing a lot better than you think, Theresa.
Good luck!!!!
M.
It seems to me that developmentally you may be expecting too much, especially of the 16 mos. old. They're too young to generalize from one situation to the next, although your 3 year old is "in range"; so you absolutely don't take your eyes off them. Keep teaching in a gentle "teaching" way, and the major things first (ie: safety issues before distinguishing personal property). No need to get upset with them, just realize they're learning and learn best from experience in a variety of situations.
This is normal for that age. Your expectations are high for them at this age and they need to be watched at all times because they are curious. When they do something appropriate like clean up, or respect your "boundaries" let them know with positive praise.
