My family just moved into our first home about a month ago and there is a family living next door with some children that are the same age as my daughter. My daughter who is 7 came to me the other day and told me that the little girl from next door who is 8 was trying to play "boyfriend/girlfriend" with her and trying to kiss her and touch her innappropriately. I am not sure how to handle the situation and I don't know the mother very well. Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this parent. And where to go next? Should I let them play together still? Do you think she is being abbused? Help me please. Thanks!
Thank you everyone for your responses. It helped me a lot to put it in perspective. So last night I did walk over to the neighbors and had a conversation with the mom. She seems very down to earth and was surprised when I told her what was going on. She assured me that she would have a conversation with her daughter and that there was always a parent around when kids came over to the house. She did tell me that a couple of years ago she caught her daughter and a little boy in the closet kissing. Not anything too graphic but still worrisome. She told me that she had not seen anything since that incident so she thought her daughter was over that phase. She also informed me that the child has Aspergers...not sure if that would have anything to do with it, but possibly. So overall, it went really well and I did get a better picture of their world and how she reacted to the situation. Once again, thanks for everyone's responses as I was really at a loss at how to proceed.
I think it is good that you went over and talked with her. I would want a parent ot do the same with me.
Asbergers is not a mild form of Downs Syndrom but is found on the Autism Spectrum of disorders.
Here asre a couple fairly good links:
http://www.caer.com/asbergers%20syndrome.htm
http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Asbergers...
You can never be too careful. The little girl could simply be acting out negative behavior she has witnessed, could be a predator (gosh I hope not), or simply be age appropriately curious. Perhaps you would consider letting them play together, but only with your supervision, for a little while (maybe they could do a craft in the kitchen while you are doing something else). If you are around them when they are playing, perhaps you will get a sense of this little girl's behavior. You know, sometimes you get that vibe from kids just by being around them a few times as to how appropriate they are or if they are a good "friend" choice for your child. If you do decide to talk to the parent, you might want to make sure that you have a little more to go on than "my child said." That is the surest way to get into a "my kid is better than your kid" contest. You may not get any better reception from the other parent even if you witness something yourself, but at least it keeps your daughter out of the loop.
Good luck :)
hmm. this is a tough spot.
i can assure you that this 8 year old is probably not doing it to harm your daughter. its likely that shes just copying what shes seeing in her life. so i wouldnt really say that shes being PURPOSLY abused or anything. its likely that the other kid might not exactly know or understand that it isnt appropriate behavior, especially if its something she sees, either by people she knows, or on tv. and neither of those situations can really be helped. poor child :(
what you can do is to approach the other parent in a non-judgmental way. this is the hardest part, because you are concerned for your daughter's safety, and emotional well being. you cant talk to the other mom when you are angry or emotional, so try to calm yourself and deal with any feelings your daughter has first. you can explain to her that no one is to touch her private parts (obviously, she has a clear idea of what that means!) and that she was right to come to you and tell you about it. ask HER what she thinks would be a good solution. sometimes we can be surprised by what kids come up with.
anyway, im trying to think of things you can say to the other mom. .. . you could say "my daughter came home the other day concerned with a game they girls were playing" then you can let the other mom ask you what was up, or maybe she will be dismissive and clueless LOL. either way, you could just say that there was a boyfriend/girlfriend theme and that your daughter became uncomfortable. make it about how your daughter feels, not about what her daughter did. like i said, its highly likely that the other girl was not aware that what she was doing was wrong or would make your daughter uncomfortable. so its not like she was doing it on purpose.
things you can do to prevent this from happening again is to have them hang out at your house. this way you can be monitoring what they are doing and where they are. also, you can inform your daughter that she does NOT have to go up to the other girl's room. staying in a "public" space in the house might deter any of that activity. this is not the age to leave kids alone at home either, so always make sure that your daughter is at the neighbor's house when there is supervision.
but you know, the good thing about this situation is that your daughter told you about it! :) this means that you have an awesome connection to your daughter, and in just a few short years, this will become VITAL to the safety and happiness of your preteen and later your teen! :) always let your daughter know that its great and more than ok to tell you. and you arent going to go to the other parent and expect the other girl to be punished. its probably just something the other girl has seen and thinks is ok.
anyway, hope this helps you sleep better. its tough when our kids start having adult like situations!
You must act. The little 8 y/o could be "acting" out b/c she is being sexually abused. My daughter was sexually abused by 2 nephews. She did not act out but she told us.
Either call child protection to get more advice. This is very serious...
The last of year of my life has been a living hell. I have done a lot of research. I am not saying that I know it all but something is wrong here. Good luck.
Oh, please praise your daughter for telling you:)
I think it's pretty normal for kids to be curious about that stuff. I don't think she's being abused. But if it bothers you, I would talk to the mom and tell her about it. She probably doesn't even know. She might tell her daughter to stop it. If she just blows it off, you'll have to cross that bridge when you get there.
OK, confession, when I was 8 I was curious about things of this nature and wanted to touch a boys private parts- not because I was sexually abused or anything of that nature but because I was curious. You have some unique challenges here. You don't really know the family as they are new to the area, and you don't want to cause a rift. I would not cause CPS at this time. There are ways to talk about it with the Mom so she is aware and hopefully she doesn't get awkward.
Oh, this is one of those sticky situations. My sister had this happen with a girl in their apartment that was at her apartment and was the same age as her daughter. She did go and talk to the mom (who was a single mom and had many, many boyfriends over at her apartment). It did turn out that one of the boyfriends was molesting the little girl. But you can not jump to that conclusion, as that would be detremental to the family if that isn't the case. I would get to know the mom better and you should be able to feel out the situation before deciding what to do next.
I'm very happy to hear you talked to the mom! We'd all like to know if something like that is going on with our children. If we don't know what's happening, then we can't do anything about it. Even if the little girl is being abused, it may not be happening at home, so the mom really needs to know. As far as Asbergers, it's a milder form of Down Syndrome, so the sexual curiosity isn't that surprising. Praise your daughter for telling you what was going on and encourage her to do so anytime something makes her uncomfortable!
First off, I think it is more important to have a talk with your daughter. It was very brave of her to come to you and tell you what happend. I think that if you do nothing about it, she may feel that it wasn't as big of a deal as she thought and you do not want to risk that. You have to say something to the mother, even at the risk of causing friction. I don't think you need to call child protection service over this one incident. However, I do think that any further play between the two needs to be supervised by you. At least, until you have a better understanding of the situation.
This behavior does not mean the the neighbor has been abused. This is common behavior in some children...it is the reason the term "playing doctor" got it's meaning! There is no need to call child protective services.
I would be sure to let my daughter know that she was right to feel uncomfortable with the other girl's behavior and that she did the right thing by telling you!
That said: You should tell the mother...you can do it with empathy and without sounding as if you are accusing her or her family of anything. Whenever I had a situation like this I would ask myself, " would I want someone to tell me?" I am sure that we would all want to know this information about our child so that we could have our own discussion. The mother may be embarrased for a time, but I think it important that she have the opportunity to have the same talk with her daughter that you did. She will be able to let this little girl know that this behavior is not appropriate so that it doesn't happen again. She can also then pay attention to her daughter when she does have friends over, or be aware of what she is seeing on television etc. Her reaction will also tell you how much contact you want your daughter to have with her daughter!
Bottom line: Protect your child first, but we need to help eachother out! I am sure this mother is not aware!
Good luck!
