To Stay or Not to Stay...

Updated on May 25, 2011
H.B. asks from Iowa Falls, IA
15 answers

On what grounds do you consider a relationship deal breaker? like say- neither of you had been happy for a very extended period of time, you felt like you were in a loveless relationship, no support on many levels, never spent time together, both felt the other was ungrateful...
thanks for you input!!!

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So What Happened?

we arent married, but have been engaged for just over 2 years. we've been together for the majority of an 8 year period. we do have 1 child together. i'd assumed that after the last time i left, he would've gotten the message that being taken for granted, feeling unloved and all the things i've listed were intolerable in my eyes. especially after the long talks, and such we'd had when i left. but here yet again we've come full circle & he's back to his stubborn self. there is a financial situation in that i am not working but am a stay at home mom. he's always told me that this is what he wanted for our son because he'd had bad experiences with babysitters growing up and was concerned of the same for our son. but he makes snide comments about how he has it worse than i do because he pays the bills- whatever that means? and accuses me of doing nothing all day, yet our home is clean, our son is well taken care of and happy, we all have clean clothes, and he has a home-cooked meal waiting for him. when i point this out to him, he throws it in my face that i am ungrateful for what he does for me. i have never thought that in my mind or my heart, nor have i expressed anything but the very opposite to anyone that i talk to about this. so i'm faced with staying?? and knowing him as well as i do, i know that as far as our son, household chores, and the other stuff i already do now are concerned- it'll still be in my hands to care for. so i just keep asking myself if i'm going to be virtually doing this all on my own, why dont i just BE on my own?? does that make sense???

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C.K.

answers from San Antonio on

If you are talking about marriage, none of the things you listed would be deal breakers for me. I know that every relationship has it's ups and downs. There was a time that I was very unhappy, an extended period of time, but I didn't walk away from my marriage because of it. I have felt unsupported, unloved, and felt like all that I do is taken for granted, etc. I never walked away. When I was unhappy I knew that it would get better. When I have felt unloved, unsupported, ect. I told him how I felt and we fixed it together. And he tells me when he needs more from me too.

I wouldn't walk away for the reasons you listed because I think those things can always be improved.

3 moms found this helpful

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A..

answers from Kansas City on

If you have kids, then you owe it to your children to work it out. None of this seems like a deal breaker that can't be fixed w/o putting a little effort into it!! Start with your attitude.

8 moms found this helpful
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M.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Are you married?

Do you have kids?

If you are not married then walk away...don't waste anymore time.

If you are married and no kids then walk away and don't waste anymore time if you are both not willing to work on it.

If you are married with kids then I think you both owe it to your kids to put every amount of energy you have to work it out. Also, not spending time together to nurture the relationship will wither away any loving or intimate feelings. Dates are so important!!

I personally don't think any of your reasons are grounds for divorce. Sounds like you two have grown apart because you both are not nurturing eachother.
Best of luck!

4 moms found this helpful
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E.M.

answers from Honolulu on

It matters, I guess. I know my marriage is on the rocks but my husband is in residency to be a doctor. That means he is working 98 hours a week and being beaten down by his higher ups all week long. If I need anything It can't come from him, same goes for the kids. It is only another year then residency is over, but so far the hell on us has been 2 years. Things will change in fact I have a date for when he will graduate from this and then things can get better.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

I would only consider that grounds if the 2 involved were not willing to try to fix it. Counseling can work wonders, I know it saved my family. But it takes 2 to make it work.

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

.

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S.S.

answers from Daytona Beach on

any time your life is in danger or someone cheats its time to get out. i personally (and this is not intended for everyone) that once you are married it shoudl be for life unless one of the above. especially if there's children involved. for me, (again this is me and not for everyone) i would continue to stay married with this "roommate" as long as things were friendly, even though there was no time spent together, and try to become friends and work on the relationship. years ago, people couldn't get divorced and remained friends, and did things with the kids, etc. JMO

2 moms found this helpful

J.P.

answers from Sacramento on

are you married? do you have children? these are things that factor into my decision making process. I can't give you any advice without more information.....sorry.....

1 mom found this helpful
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R.J.

answers from Salt Lake City on

personally everything you listed is a deal breaker, if you are that miserable walk away it cant be good for anyone in the relationship

1 mom found this helpful

H.G.

answers from Dallas on

I waited ten yrs to get married to my husband but ill tell you this if it ever came a time that I wasn't feeling the love I would get out. Lifes too short!

1 mom found this helpful
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W.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

I got married when I was 21...when I was 23 my husband cheated & left me for his pregnant girlfriend....just called one day and said he wasn't coming home again. I was devistated for years - I DID NOT BELIEVE IN DIVORCE and was horrified that I was now that statistic. I felt like EVERYONE should make EVERY EFFORT to make a relationship work. But you know what? He was miserable, and I was miserable.

Now, over a decade later, I have the most wonderful husband and son I could ever ask for...and my ex married the girl he got pregnant, they are still together and have 2 children.

It's tough, and your opinion of marriage/children is what is going to make the difference, but I have to say I am (now) a believer that you do only go around once and it's not good for anyone in that home to be unhappy. If you do have a child/children, you either have to make efforts EVERYDAY to make that home a happier one or you need to make that tough decision to move on. I can't imagine raising a child on my own and give all the kudos in the world to those who can. You really have to evaluate what you are capable of handling if you leave, but I am also a firm believer that God only gives us what we can handle.

Best of luck to you. I hate to see you call it quits, but if you both could move on to happy relationships with someone else (even if it's a decade later like it was for me), it's better than a household of sadness.

1 mom found this helpful

M.S.

answers from Lincoln on

If he's just a boyfriend I'd say bail. If you're married I would go to a counselor first to get to the root of the problem to see if things can be fixed.

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M.B.

answers from Milwaukee on

I read some of your other posts to try and figure out if you were married so I could give you a good "2 cents." So are you still engaged? It looks like the extended period of time you're talking about can't be more than a year, right? Because you guys broke up a year or so ago and then got back together and worked things out. Here's the thing - when people talk about being in loveless relationships, they're talking about Years and Years of trouble in marriage. You guys aren't married but you do have a child together. Because of this, I encourage you to go to counseling. It might help to seek out stories about couples who have faced really difficult situations and how they pulled through. This will give you perspective. I know some people argue that you shouldn't fix your relationship because of your child or children, but I totally disagree. It is one of the greatest gifts to give your child a stable and loving parent relationship and to show them through action how to overcome difficulties. We all have them. Best of luck to you and your family.

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K.G.

answers from San Luis Obispo on

Betrayal, of any form. If I can't trust you it's gonna be near impossible for me to be intimate with you and that, for me, is a definite deal breaker. Also, all of what you said in your post would only make it much worse.

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M.S.

answers from Minneapolis on

I haven't read any other responses so I may be repeating....

Nothing would be a deal breaker for me if we hadn't gone to counseling and tried to resolve it. I felt the ways you describe above before my husband and I went to counseling. We both committed to the counseling process and came out best friends and our marriage is better than it has ever been.

My spouse refusing to do counseling might be a deal breaker.

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