To Quit or Not to Quit - Follow up Question on Anxiety Disorder in 1St Grade

So now it's "anxiety" and "panic attacks"?
Says who?
If someone made me do a "fun" activity that I didn't enjoy? I would protest too. It doesn't mean I'm having "generalized anxiety disorder" or a "panic attack."
And you know, those are very real conditions and you shouldn't throw those terms around haphazardly.

Ahh trying to figure out how kid changing her mind somehow means a disorder. Quitting sports is normal, not wanting to go to school is normal, not wanting to play is also normal. What isn't normal is trying to come up with a medical reason when you haven't tried parenting reasons.

Not one answer said this was anything more than normal kid not wanting to do something so why are you there? This follow up is like asking should I go to the mountains or stay home, people answer, you reply thank you for the answers, you are right, I will go swimming!

Not wanting to do something does not indicate anxiety on its own. Temper tantrums are not panic attacks. Sorry but unless you have an actual diagnosis by a professional what you are looking at is a child who doesn't want to do anything but sit at home and is willing to throw fits to get her way. Keep giving in, making excuses, this is going to be your life.

Please don't be upset or take this really poorly, but do you think it could be you?
I read your other question and to me it seems like all the responses are "let her quit it should be fun" but you're taking it as there's something wrong with her. Of course I don't see the whole picture, just what you wrote, but it doesn't seem to add up to an anxiety disorder to me. Perhaps her anxiety is coming from you worrying about her??? Think about how you react to her stress. I know I'm guilty of not handling my kids' insecurities as well as I should and perhaps even contributing to them.
Just a thought.

i would get her professional help immediately, and follow those recommendations.
khairete
S.

I read your question from when your daughter was 5 1/2 years old about the way she acts with you - fighting, stomping, etc. You said she was an angel with everyone else.

I have a feeling that the issue is behavioral and attention seeking. I'm sorry, but I think it's just too easy to define this as an anxiety disorder. If you classify this as a disorder, then she gets a lot of attention for unwanted behavior. I think you are setting your child up for some really bad traits as an adult by giving her an "out" based on what you "think". Instead, you need some parental guidance on how to "train" her to stop acting this way.

If you don't think that children this age can manipulate you, you are wrong. They don't even know what they want - they just know that if they push the right buttons, they can get the adults around them to worry their heads off, change their minds, try this and that and run circles around them. Truly, children need limits, L.. They need the adults around them to say "Yelling at your friends during play date time is not nice. If you treat your friends badly, no one will want to play with you. You have to go to your room and stay there without coming out. Go right now." And if she has a meltdown, you IGNORE IT and make her go to her room, period. You send the friends home.

You don't show her that you feel sorry for her during her meltdowns. You immediately send her to her room, make her sit by herself in the car while you wait out her tantrum standing outside, reading your phone or book and ignoring her. At some point, she will want you to pay attention to her and she'll stop the behavior in order for you to want to be with her.

It's no fun for a kid to have a meltdown when no one is paying attention. You don't stand outside her door so that she knows you're listening. If she comes out of her room before her time out is over, you march her right back in there over and over until she stays. She never gets to come back out unless her tantrum is over and what you have told her to do is done. (That includes the amount of time you've told her she has to spend in there, on top of her stopping the tantrum.)

As far as activities outside of the home are concerned, if you are going to quit an activity that she has meltdowns over, I would recommend quitting what she always says she doesn't want to go to. Sounds like you're giving in to her? Well, here's the rub... the activities she likes is what you use as her "currency". You tell her when she starts up with a meltdown that you are going to give her 3 chances and if she doesn't stop the behavior, you will not take her to her favorite class that day. AND MEAN IT. Tell her "That's one. Calm yourself down or you won't go to soccer." "That's twice. Calm yourself down or you won't go to soccer." Okay, that's three times. No soccer today. Go to your room now and don't come out until you've learned your lesson about calming yourself down."

It doesn't matter that you want her to go to soccer. It doesn't matter that SHE wants to go to soccer. What matters is that you have to demand from her better behavior and she has to learn that you mean it. If you give in to her and let her continue to manipulate you by behaving badly, she will just continue to and you will all be miserable. Kids who do this over and over lose control over themselves because they are not made to learn that they will lose their privileges without fail - mom will turn around and drive home rather than going to the park - dad will turn around and drive home rather than going to the movies, etc and etc. And every single time the kid whose behavior messes up the rest of the family's plans will have to go to their room for a long time as soon as they walk in the door.

If you don't at least try to do this for a good chunk of time, you will be doing your daughter a big disservice. She will up the ante and act worse while you put your foot down, trying to get you to abandon this course of action. Right now she holds all the cards - she's getting you to do what she wants -pay attention to her regardless of her behavior. You need to take the reins now and make her understand that you say what you mean and you mean what you say. Failure to do what she is supposed to do just because she says she doesn't want to makes her lose her privileges to do what she wants to do. She will eventually learn that SHE is the one who has to say yes to doing things.

I get the feeling that you are wondering if you should stop sending her to school and homeschool her. I hope that's not what you're starting to think. If you don't try to manage this now, you're going to be having these meltdowns full time.

I just read your first question (the quitting one) and I have a little around this age. I think you can tell when a kid just hates something - compared to when they just want a break from it - at this age. My little one came home from a sport we'd put her in (older siblings had loved it) and she walked right off the field and said "I don't want to do this". We tried it a second go - same thing. So we took her out.

She did another activity and I'd say 3/4 of way through, she lost interest. It was when they started evaluating them. Not her thing. It went from being a fun thing to do once a week, to the dreaded clip-board, see if you can do it. Because we'd gone 3/4 of the way, we skipped a bunch of classes, and just went sporadically (of course that didn't help her learn) but finished the year. What I realized I had put her in too much too soon.

My mistake. I hadn't with the older kids - but because everyone had signed their kids up for stuff, I did too. And I never normally do that - but I succumbed to peer pressure!

So now all she does is the guiding which she LOVES. HER idea. No pressure, you work together at fun things, get a badge regardless, it's mostly having fun and being with friends. At this age, I think putting pressure on them to stick with anything can backfire. I think it can freak the kid out. I think it's our needs before theirs sometimes...

As I said, I didn't put my kids in stuff until they asked (except for swimming lessons) with my older ones. They had to say "Mom, can I do..." and you know what? They loved what they were in.

Six (or seven?) is pretty young.

So some of this may be you. Once I backed off ... she was great.

Just a thought.

I do have a child with some anxiety. Only at certain times (trying something new) - older kid, and it's more because they are a perfectionist and also are slightly introverted, so get wound up only in very specific situations. I did therapy ... and he was given some tools to help him. Mostly breathing and just realizing it's not a big deal.

I just know he's slightly anxious and allow him to be. The worst thing you can do is expect them not to be. Just give them some time .. space ... understanding ... patience ... and if therapy will help them (did in our case) find a good children's counsellor. Ours was excellent. We only went a few times and then we didn't need them any more.

Good luck :)

Has your daughter been formally diagnosed by a doctor as having generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks? It's hard to reply not knowing if your post is based on a medical diagnosis or if you are assuming she's got anxiety disorder but do not have an actual diagnosis. Could you please clarify? Obviously --- if this is based on what you suspect but not on a medical diagnosis, then evaluation and diagnosis have to happen, ASAP. Panic attacks are terrifying for the person having them, and would require her to get some immediate professional help. Is that happening?

A certain amount of foot stomping and 'No! I don't want to go! <to what ever>' is completely normal.
How often does she pitch a fit and it gets her the desired result?
If the answer is often - then she's doing it because it works for her and she'll keep doing it until it no longer works.

When our son was 4, he'd sometimes have a screaming fit.
I'd tell him 'Go to your room. You can come out when you are finished - it's totally up to you. No one wants to listen to you when you are doing that.'.
That phase didn't last long at all - it wasn't getting him any attention.
When he was behaving sweetly - we'd lavish him with attention.

Unless a doctor says it's 'generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks', I wouldn't be thinking it was anything but a kid trying to push some boundaries.
They all try it at one time or another and at different ages/different stages.
It's up to you to be the parent and define what is acceptable and what isn't.
It's not easy!
It certainly causes parents a heck of a lot of anxiety!

Just remember - some day your kid(s) will be grown with kid(s) of their own.
Some day THEY will be pulling their hair out over what THEIR kid(s) are doing.
And THEN you'll put on a big smile and tell the grandkid(s) how their parents were when they were that age.
This is the stuff GREAT stories are made of!
It helps if you take pictures.

My youngest suffers from anxiety. She saw a therapist for a while which helped her tremendously. I also read a few good books on anxiety in children, that helped ME understand and support lher more effectively. She's in high school now and sometimes sees the school psychologist, when something is triggers her anxiety or stresses her out. I'm so proud at how far she's come and how well she advocates for herself!

The first thing to do would be to get a proper diagnosis. It may be anxiety, it may be not. There's really no way for any of here to tell you since we are not professionals and we don't know your daughter. Please talk to your pediatrician about her struggles and take it from there. Best of luck,

Therapy. Children respond much better than adults. Probably because they are more open-minded. Find one that specializes in families and children and go in with her, if possible.

One of my son's has an anxiety disorder. I highly recommend behavioral therapy at your closest Children's Hospital. It was a huge time commitment (3 times/week for 2 months for a group session with an hour's drive each way) for us but 1000% worth it . We were going to have to pull our son out of school - now he's doing fine. Insurance coved most of it.

Good luck,
e

IMO, you might do well to seek professional help for her. My daughter has a low tolerance for frustration and the school guidance office has been wonderful in helping her learn tools to work through when she feels anxious or frustrated and how to cope. You can start with the school or the pediatrician for recommendations on therapy for her.

My youngest responded really well to therapy for anxiety when she was 9. She soaked up the therapist's actions steps like a little sponge. After about 4 months, we saw marked improvement, enough to discontinue therapy for several years. She did not use medication or therapy again until some family stuff came up at age 12. I was amazed at how seriously she took her lessons. It was like all she needed was a caring adult to guide her that was not mom or dad.

Now that she is 13, we are seeing some mental health issues resurface, but it is a lot harder for her to accept help. I can see now that it is just going to take more time for therapy to be effective. Issues are more complex. But before puberty, I was amazed at how quickly therapy helped with her anxiety. I found a good therapist, as a referral from her pediatrician.

I suppose you could see a therapist but I would be hesitant honestly because it can set up labeling even with the best of intentions. Be careful about treating what might be normal.