To Bare the Belly or not...long Post but PLEASE Read

My mom and I had a tense relationship, and she favored my brother.

When I was pregnant she never felt my belly because she knew I hated it. Well- she's dead now. She died of esophageal cancer- very quick and torturous to witness and for her to go through, I'm sure- she essentially starved to death and the tumors in her brain kept her from being able to get words out.

The situation taught me to pick my battles. I should have figured out a way for her to be in surger when my daughter was born, I should have taken some pictures of my belly to share with her, I should have involved her more in my pregnancy.

She used to try to manipulate and control- why? Because that's what her mom did to her and she didn't know how else to get what she needed. I wish I'd given in to her more. She wasn't a perfect person, and I could have just been more accepting of how she was, and why she was that way.

I try to make my choices now based on whether or not it's really worth standing my ground on. Pregnant bellies are beautiful. It's something to be proud of. You are a woman, your body is meant to bare children and nourish them.

Good luck.

# 1 - Not obligated.
# 2 - In every situation where a disagreement like this comes up, try to assess some solution that would allow you to retain your dignity, your choices, and your independence while ALSO giving in to her just a little bit. And be honest that you are negotiating only and not just giving in:

"Mom, I am just a private person I guess and parading my bare belly on video feels awkward and embarrassing for me. But I love that this pregnancy is something you want to share with me. I am sure it must take you back to the days when you were carrying me. How about if I have DH take a photo of me with a button down shirt on and with the last couple buttons undone? I will email you the pic. I think maybe a peek-a-boo belly shot might feel better for me."

Wow I"m really sorry, but your Mom is mean and manipulative.... and they have all your life, seemingly put you down.

Don't do what is uncomfortable for you. You are an adult now... not a child.
your Mom, needs a mental check.

And, why do they have to come to your home, for ONE month.... to "help" you after you give birth? It will not be 'help'... but create drama and problems.
Did you invite them, or did they invite themselves????

I hope, you have a supportive Husband...

You cannot change her. She is toxic, and dysfunctional... and not really very loving at all. That is the missing link.

Don't look for her "approval" anymore... that is the way she manipulates you. It is real mean. That is how she "controls" you.

all the best,
Susan

The manipulation that you have to endure is heartbreaking. I personally don't have a problem with showing a bare stomach but I respect that you don't. There is nothing wrong with you! :)

Why should we give in to manipulation just because someone is used to it? Manipulation is not healthy. It doesn't feel good to be manipulated and the person who dishes it out is never satisfied. What a horrible cycle!

Don't do what makes you feel uncomfortable, no matter who says that it's not a big deal. If it's a big deal to you, then, guess what......it's a big deal!
Stand your ground and tell your mom that you are sorry that her love is so conditional.

I have a friend who is a master manipulator. I have to constantly stand up to her and it's getting easier and she is finally able to see that she can't behave like that.
You can totally show love WHILE saying, I'm sorry, but I won't do that in a kind but firm manner. It's exhausting to do over and over but you will BE FREE and then have a healthy relationship.

My heart goes out to you!

.

What? Are you serious? It is completely unfair of your mother to put conditions on her love for you! If it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. If she wines about how you are selfish just be firm and tell her you are not comfortable with it and that is that. She's lucky she didn't get me for a daughter! I have such a rebellious streak that if someone puts conditions on me like that, I do the opposite just because.

OK so stop feeling guilty. One thing I realized as an adult is that my parents no longer have the power to make me feel hurt, angry, belittled, etc etc. Start sticking up for yourself, don't be a doormat anymore! If they put conditions on things that they do, don't give in to it, unless it's something that you wanted to do anyway. If you can have a heart to heart with your mom and let her know that family love is supposed to be unconditional, and if they put these conditions it makes you feel... (however it makes you feel). If not, then I say start standing your ground, this is your life, your body and your family.

It sounds like your mom is just mad because she can't control you like she controls your brother (forgive me but that is what I am reading from it.)

So sorry that you are in this situation, unfortunately we can not choose those we are related to by blood, but luckily we can choose to surround ourselves with positive loving people whom we can consider to be extended family. I hope you have some of that in your life!

Edit
One more thing after reading some of the posts I have to strongly disagree with Dawn, just because you don't want to bare your belly does in no way reflect how close or not close you are to your family. Everyone has a different comfort level with their bodies and showing part of themselves. For example I refuse to wear shorts, because I hate my legs, but my family and I are very close so what if they don't see my chubby knees lol!

1) not obligated to bare your belly, it's your belly and your call. (But the fact that you think it's weird to show your belly- they should be celebrated! is kind of weird... so is the notion of baring your belly makes you "nearly nude". Again, weird)
2) You can't get her to see this if she hasn't already, so stop trying because it's only causing you grief and giving her the power over you.
Good luck, but relax a little on your body image and enjoy your belly!

NO -you don't have to show anyone your belly if you don't want to! How ODD of your mom to make it an issue. She can look at picture books if she needs to see a pregnant belly because most look basically alike.

If she keeps pressing, just remind her that you're a grown up and a mother yourself and that quite honestly you think she's a bit strange for demanding to see your belly of all things. Just say, "NO -and I'm not willing to discuss it anymore!"

Uh... NO.
If she demands to be present in the delivery room are you going to want to appease her? Of course not. It's the same thing. It is YOUR body. If you don't want to show it (comfortable with it or not) then you don't have to. And if ANYone tries to make you feel guilty about keeping parts of your body you don't normally go around flaunting in public private, then they are the ones with the messed up sense of respect.

Did you mom actually say "you'd do this for me if.."? That is emotional blackmail and you shouldn't stand for it. Is there someone else who can help you out after the baby is born? I'm not sure I would want all that guilt being tossed out for me right after giving birth... Do you need her to come for a MONTH? We had NO family living within 5 hours of us... for either of the births of our children. I actually preferred having the house to ourselves as much as possible! My own mom stayed for a few days... that was about it. I was grateful for her....she knows how to cook, clean, and soothe a fussy baby, make my husband laugh, and stay off my nerves. After about a week, when I felt well enough to do for myself, she got on my nerves quickly enough... and we have a pretty normal guilt free relationship. I'd see about making other arrangements if I were you.

No you are not obligated one single bit. You are an adult and your body is your own to share with whomever you are comfortable... or no one.

My answer to the "you'd do this if you loved me" if "if you respected me you wouldn't insist that I do something that I find very uncomfortable."

I would consider finding support around you so that you don't have to depend on your mother for babysitting. It sounds like she does a number on your confidence and self esteem, and isn't a good example for your daughter either.

Some of the best advice that I ever got was this. When talking to someone about a very uncomfortable issue, I picture talking to someone that I respect and admire instead of the difficult person I am talking to. It changes your frame of mind and allows you to be honest and open yet calm. And the intention of the conversation changes. It's all easier said than done, but you have to start respecting yourself and being confident about who you are as a woman and a mother and not let your mom manipulate you into feeling bad if you don't do what she says.

Best of luck to you! This is the last thing you need at the end of your pregnancy! Hang in there!

Answer question 1 is no you are not obligated.
Answer question 2. it's your choice, if you are not comfortable there is no reason to explain, that is the answer YOUR NOT COMFORTABLE end of story. Stop caving, I think that is how you will gain the respect you want from your mother. Remember people only treat us how we allow them too. It's time you start standing up to your mother and do what you feel is right. You are a big girl and a mom yourself so you have your family, she will just have to deal with it.

Well I would tell her you'll show her yours if she shows you hers LOL. I mean really that is how silly it is. if you don't want to show your belly then you don't have to end of story. And your mother shouldn't kept requesting it. If shes says that it's silly for you to want to see her bare tummy because she isn't pregnant say it's just as silly for her to want to see yours. I mean she can see your tummy is big with just a shirt on so why does she need to see it bare? If I were you I would stand your ground.

Although it seems like a simple request, if you would only do it to secure her help find an alternative helper. To me it seems as though you may owe her more than that after a month. Without healthy boundaries she can keep guilt tripping you for one reason or another. Instead of getting into a power struggle be matter of fact in your decision and if she can't come out to help it may be for the best. She may be surprised enough to not try it again.

Good luck!

the belly thing - Don't do it - it's not like she can see the baby through your stomach!

the adult/parent thing - some parents never "get" it, she sounds very childish herself, tell her not to make the trip then, you are not open for blackmail business. stand firm and don't see her if she is awkward

You will get her to see that you are first and foremost an adult by saying, firmly, "No, mom, I really don't want to show you my stomach."

Don't show her your stomach if you don't want to. Even if that might seem slightly uptight, your mother is WEIRD for pressing the issue. It's a pregnant stomach, for god's sake. They all look the same, more or less.

I've never seen my daughter's breasts, and while I was never shy with my body like she is, and I happily pranced around naked at her age, I've realized I may never see her naked body, and I seriously can deal with it. She has a right to her privacy. And who cares anyway.

I don't know what the problem is with your belly. She didn't ask you to stand nude in front of the camera.

One of the nicest things my wife did for me was to put her bare belly into the small of my back while we were laying down on the bed. I could feel the baby kicking and it almost felt like it was inside me. It was wonderful. Maybe your mom wants to get close to you and the closest she can be is by looking at your bare belly.

Good luck to you and yours.

You are not obligated to show her your tummy, but I really don't see the big deal in you showing it, but if you are uncomfy doing it then just tell her you are not comfortable. There is something about seeing a pregnant tummy and I can imagine how special that is when it is your daughters tummy and inside there is your grandbaby. I don't see the harm in showing her, or her even asking. No biggy to me!

I really don't know how to answer Question #2, but I will give you my opinion on Question #1. Strictly my own opinion: you are in NO way obligated to show ANYONE, including your mother, your bare stomach. I completely understand your discomfort; whether you are pregnant or not, it is still YOUR body! People should not feel that they are welcome to touch and look at a pregnant woman's body, when they wouldn't do the same things to a woman who is not pregnant. I know it doesn't solve your problem, or really even help out... but in my own opinion, you should not have to show your belly. I wouldn't do it.
K.

no, you dont have to bare your belly for anyone. Tell your mom that you know she's excited and wants to feel close to the situation but posting your bare belly on the internet is more than you can handle right now. I would truthfully ignore the manipulation part and not even acknowledge it. If she presses more about "we won't come unless you do this" then you'll need to say (without much emotion) "that's your decision but I am really not comfy putting my big belly on the world wide web"

I guess you could always give her a funny dare - tell her if she will post a video of her bare butt on youtube, you'll show her your belly! Well . . . maybe not! LOL

Answer 1- No you are not obligated to bare your stomach to your mother if you are not comfortable.

Answer 2- Stop buckling under pressure.

You might try giving her a dose of her own medicine by saying "You wdn't ask me to do this if you really loved me".
If she is asking you to bare your belly coz she is visiting you and saying she wdnt make the trip until u do that she is being childish.
You know best how ur mother is but you need to take a stand. try telling her you are not going to do it ...she comes or not is her choice.
Good luck ...
Hope this helps
S.

Totally not obligated hun! Also I know how you feel with the mother/brother situation... I finally (after many years) went off on her and told her that if she couldnt love me for me then I was done and I was no longer her pupet bc I was a grown woman, with a husband and kids, my own job and going to college, and many other things that she hands to my brothers! I dont suggest you going off like I did, but maybe try talking to her. I also wanted to share a little about showing your belly... Me and a friend were pregnant at the same time and we were both self aware of our bellies... She was carrying twins and I just one, but we were the same size. We would txt pictures of our bellies and our daughters (2 months apart) and share the joy of pregnancy (with our shirts over our bellies). Well one day we were talking and we both mentioned are baby marks and wanted to see how bad they really were and being really honest and nervous sent pictures of bare bellies to each other. We laugher afterwards bc niether one of us looked bad and we both thought we had. It came as a blessing with another mom. Now about showing my belly to my mom... I HATED IT, but I showed her bc she begged me and I was in the same situation as you... I showed her my belly with both kids and it got easier and easier. Now my MIL tried it I hated it bc she just lifted my shirt without even asking. It a belly and I know its a little uncomfortable but it brought my family much joy and I loved seeing how happy they were. This is a difficult position, but I know exactly (sept brother with 2 kids bc mine are still really young) how you feel. If you want to talk to someone about it send me a message and I can tell you everything that worked with my mother and my MIL bc we had problems as well. Do what you want and dont let anyone change your mind!

1) If you aren't comfortable showing your belly on a video call, you don't have to. Anyone (parent or not) should respect that.

2) This is a losing battle and you will never be at peace with yourself if you keep trying to win her approval. We have a similar situation with my hubby and his sister.... and we just have to accept that the rules are different for her.

Answer to Question #1: No.
Answer to Question #2: By not baring your belly just because she says so!

You poor thing. I have to say your mother's request is strange and her demanding is even stranger. I'm in shock over this. 1. Okay never under any circumstances should you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. You are an adult and you shouldn't do something you don't want to do. 2. Just tell her that you are extremely uncomfortable with it and that is your decision whether you want to throw "as an adult" in there is up to you. There is no beating around this. Just say no and that is that. If she can't understand this then she needs therapy. You should not feel obligated to do something you are uncomfortable with. Good luck to you.

Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with your mother about how you feel, not in an accusing way, but just how you expressed yourself in your question? The thing that I learned a long time ago is that parents are people too. They have their own issues, insecurities, quirks, etc. We, as their children expect them to be perfect, but ha ha – they are just like everyone else! Sometimes they don’t understand how much they can hurt us. But don’t expect her to wrap you up in a warm hug and say sorry because if she’s been like this for most your life, she probably will see your point of view anytime soon.

I hated my parent’s growing up (or so I thought) – so much so that I felt they loved their dogs much more than me. Can you imagine comparing the love and affection given to dogs to yourself – as a child/teenager (wasn’t great for my self-esteem for sure)? Anyhow, as I said, once I started asking why does my mother (in particular) behave the way she does rather than why does she treat me this way, I realized that it wasn’t personal. She did have issues and it seemed to stem from the way she was raised and what she went through as a child and adult before she had me. Not to say the way she behaved towards me was right or wrong – I could tell she had no idea how she made me feel and even if I told her she wouldn’t listen or understand. So I decided it was up to me to just accept her and love her as she was. We have a much better relationship now but things still come up and rather than expect her to relent or understand I just realize that’s just her being her. She probably says the same thing about me =)

If showing her your bare belly makes you uncomfortable,
then it is your right not to show her. Yes, she is your mother,
but you are an adult now, and should be respected and treated
as an adult. She is no longer in control of you unless you allow it.
Showing her your belly will not win her approval. I'm sorry you don't
have a good relationship with her. I know how it is to have a brother who can do no wrong!