Tired of Always Being the Disciplinary

No advice, just sympathy. LOL. I'll be interested to see if anyone has conquered this topic and if they are willing to teach a class.

Hi C.,
You may try putting a clothes hamper either in his room or bathroom and that will alleviate the problem. If he STILL throws the dirty clothes on the floor, there's a problem. Before you start classes, you should sit down with both of them and explain that you will need their help around the house / need them to do their part since you are going back to school. Routine is also key - establishing and sticking to a bedtime will not only be appreciated in the mornings when its time for your son to get ready for school, it will be appreciated at night when you are trying to get homework done without any interruptions. Kids crave routine anyway, and I do believe (through trial and error, of course!) that they do better with a schedule of sorts.

Totally understand...I'm the one who is constantly correcting and he can be in the same room, see something wrong and tell me to do the disciplining. AGH! He's right next to the perpetrator and I'm supposed to get onto the child? Here's how I'm trying to deal with this. 1) Give him more time with the children without me or my voice around. I know he won't deal with things the same as I will but he can't rely on me to do his work. 2) I'm coming up with a chore system that doesn't rely on me telling what to do all the time, and will hopefully start some good habits and retrain. I like the flylady suggestion, also see House Fairy, Dave Ramsey has a system for job contracts, and another idea (I'm trying now) is putting the jobs on notecards and putting them in vinyl nametag holders with clips and letting them switch jobs when they finish...this is from Managers of their Chores by the Maxwell family. We've got six children so we've tried everything...just keep working...the time training you spend with him will pay off in less time having to correct later. Maybe dad can help with the training part...job contracts work well for this...and you'll have less of the correction part later on. Remember too, you won't be able to control the schedule when you're gone. It's part of the trade you have to make if you are going to pursue other interests, but if you need to have something done you might try creating a short one or two things for your son to do that must be done before mom comes home, every day. And be honest about the items you worry about most with your husband (homework being done and firm bedtime) so he knows what you are thinking, without getting upset with him for not doing things to your expectation. Good luck!

It usually happens this way. You can constantly be stressing over your husband and wanting his help or just do it! I know this is harsh but I had to learn that it just kept me upset wanting him to do what did not come natural for him.
Check out flylady.net for ideas on getting your son to help and getting routines so you won't feel stressed.

Praying you can get a grip on this with your Husband. Could this have anuthing to do with up bringing?? I watched this first hand with my sister and brother-in-law--exactly what you are talking about and it is devistating later on. Her children are 39, 36, and 29 and they have no respect for their father, in fact they call him absentee. They all grew up not picking up after themselves (funny you mentioned the bath because I would visit and it would be standing in water where they got out of the tub and towels everywhere) and their homes reflect that behaviour and their children do the same thing. Remember children need boundries and learn to respect authority in every area of their lives.

Praying for you.

Hi C.,

I think it is inevitable that two different parents are going to have different ideas about what battles to fight, and of course different levels of energy to fight them. My husband and I are very temperamentally different and see the world differently as well, and sometimes that can make one or both of us upset. Sometimes I worry that we are totally messing up with our kid, since the books emphasize the importance of "being on the same page," and we often clearly are not. Here are a couple of things that help me/us:

1. I meet with my husband once a week, at a lunch that is dedicated to discussing the family, to assess how things are going and what issues need attention. We each have our say and decide together where to put our focus and how to do it. A lot of this is about scheduling -- if I am upset that my daughter isn't doing her violin lessons and hasn't since my husband got mad at her for messing around and just walked away, the way to address that is to re-affirm that we need violin lessons every night and to decide where they go in the schedule and who is in charge of them, to pick a recent example. Complaining that my husband's standards are too high or that he stopped working with her after one perceived failure (and that she is seven) is no use at all, but getting violin lessons back into the family schedule with a plan for who is in charge of them fixes the problem. It isn't possible to discipline for everything all the time, and it also is impossible that the same issues are going to bug both parents equally. So there has to be a selection process -- what are the big things at this time that you either both agree on, or that is driving one of you crazy, and how can you address those. If there is an agreement on what the big things are, his tendency to let the little things slide won't bother you as much. If he lets a big thing slide, you can come back to it the next time you meet, not as something he is letting slide, but something that continues to need work. It often takes my husband and I awhile to find an approach to an issue we can both live with and both actually DO, but eventually if something is important enough, we find an approach that works for our child and that both of us can support with our actions for as long as it takes to move the family through that particular problem.

2. You might try the book 1,2,3 Magic -- it's a system of discipline that I find incredibly simple and as the laxer disciplinarian in the family, simple is really what I am looking for. It's very easy, and it helps get stronger disciplinarians to be less emotional about disciplining, which can be a shortcoming of the stronger disciplinarian and a way that they may be reinforcing the very problems they are trying to address, and they get limp dishrags like me off our butts because we have a simple, powerful tool to address anything that may come up and little excuse not to use it.

3. Despite what the books say about consistency and being on the same page, I am convinced that no two parents are going to discipline in exactly the same way or react identically to the same behaviors. How loud is "too loud"? What can or should a kid be expected to do for herself or himself at a given age? How much do we comfort a kid who has made been goofing around, lost her balance, and stubbed her toe? So much of this parenting stuff is not black and white, and I comfort myself that this surely has an upside, as long as parents aren't getting locked into blame and power struggles over major issues. Out in the world, not every boss or teacher is going to be the same -- not all our friends are the same, either. Some of them will tolerate our tendency to be late to lunch sometimes, and some will be outraged. Some find advice comforting, some find it intrusive. people are different. I find it hard to believe that my husband's and my differences, so long as we continue to work with them in a positive way, with good communication and mutual respect, aren't helpful to our daughter. Maybe at different times in her life, she will need at one time a model of how to be tough and firm, and she'll have my husband for that -- at which point it will be good she didn't have just me as a model -- in a conflict I can be understanding and empathetic to a fault. Maybe at another time she'll need to know how to compromise, see the other person's viewpoint, and not get upset by the small stuff in the name of sticking with an important relationship or project, and maybe then it will be a good thing she has me and not two of her father.

Hope this helps!
M.

First of all you need to speak with your husband about what your expectations and needs are. Tell him your son needs to respect your home and your rules for bedtime. Each time he leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor, he is showing his father and mother disrespect for the home his father and mother have provided.

An erratic bedtime will make an erratic student. Let your husband know that if your sons grades are affected, he will be responsible for getting your son back on track.
You need them to be more independent. You are about to take on a full time job by going back to school and they need to be given more responsibility. It may be a good idea for you to study at night away from home so that your husband will appreciate what it is you do for them.

Next, your son is old enough to do his own laundry.
You need to decide the best way to handle this.

If you only have one bathroom, I suggest you purchase a cloths hamper for your sons room. Place it by his bedroom door so he can throw his dirty clothes in the hamper each night.

If your son has his own bathroom, purchase a laundry basket just for him and place it in the bottom of the built in hamper or under the bathroom sink in the cabinet.

Ask your son what day of the week is the day he would like to do his laundry.
Place a printed card with the day of the week on the hamper, clothes basket or his bedroom door (at his eye level), so that he will remember.
Set your Washing machine to medium load/ warm water. Mark the dial for a 6 minute load so that your son will know where to turn the dial to. Mark the on button with big letters "ON". Mark the measuring cup with a black sharpie to the level that the detergent should be poured. Be sure to set the buzzer, so that your son will remember to place his clothes in the dryer. Mark the timer on the dryer so that he will know where to turn the dial. Tell him when his clothes are dry to place them back into the hamper/basket and take them directly to his room. It is up to him whether he wants to fold them or just "stuff" them into his dresser. (once he wears wrinkled clothes to school the first day, he will want to fold them).

MOM, do not do any of this for him!!! If he does not have clean clothes, he will just have to wear dirty clothes. Not your problem.

Make your son part of the solution.

You've received lots of great advice on how to deal with your son. I think the bigger issue at hand is the communication issues between you and your hubby. It is very important to be on the same page with discipline issues, and when you are not on the same page it's important to discuss both your points of view and find a compromise. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your son to put his clothes in the hamper and to have your husband help reinforce this behavior. I would suggest to sit down and talk to you husband about this. If you have tried this and he still is not respecting you or your decisions then maybe it's time to get a counselor to help you sort it all out.

Men tend to not be very communicative about their feelings, but unfortunately we are not good mind readers. So there may be other things going on, or maybe because he feels it's no big deal he doesn't think anyone should, but that is not respecting your feelings.

Marriage is full of little bumps in the road, but once you work through them your relationship will be stronger than ever. I'm sure with a little communication and effort you will get through this without a problem! (If you don't already have a date night it may be time for one!) Good luck!

Hi C.,

The only other thing I would add to your responses is that time with Daddy is very important. I was injured during delivery of our second and couldn't give my 15 month old a bath for months afterwards - couldn't get down on my knees by the tub, so dear hubby took over the bath and bed time. The first few months drove me crazy because he wasn't putting them to bed when I thought they should be going to bed. But then I realized that this was his main chance all day to spend time with them - he didn't get home until 6:30, so by his putting them to bed later he actually had more time with them. And I so want our children to have time with their father - time to have real relationship, time of hanging out every day if possible and not just rushing through dinner bath and to bed.

It's been a long time since those days, but I guess my point is to try and look at the bigger picture - I am all for teaching kids life skills (love the book Life Skills for Kids by Christine Field) and I know they do better with routines, but perhaps there are some things that we as the Mom can let go and do the way Dad would like.

Hope I'm not coming across harsh - but especially as you will be away more and your husband and son will be running things in your absence, if there are things you can let go and allow them to run their way, you will probably find yourself happier.

And I think someone else mentioned www.Flylady.net - she has great ideas for home management while not getting all uptight over it - which used to be my tendency.

God bless,
A.

Just a dumb way to get the tables turned, but put the pile, starting day one, IN your sons bed. Under the covers, on his pillow EVERY DAY.......... he will wonder why........ tell him to ask daddy where the dirty clothes go.

Put a hamper or clothes bin right next to his bed, so he can put them in himself when he doesn't like them on his pillow.
(It is just as easy for you to put them away, but he will have to fess up to dad that he isn't putting them away if you do this........)

Leave the dad out of it til son has to bring him in. I'm guessing he will just put the clothes in the hamper/bin!.... Kind of leave it alone and see if you can after a week or so, just "mention" as he walks out of the bathroom, could he drop those in the bin, so he doesn't have to do it later!

About the bedtime, set a timer on the stove, and then one on the microwave if you can- before you leave. Tell him that is get ready for bed time, and then go to bed time. If he tells you that he went to bed when he was supposed to, try a reward of a daytime activity with you. Something he likes to do but doesn't get to do often!

Just a few ideas.
Your husband may not see these things a vitally as you do. You may have to pick your battles. Try making the sense with your son, and letting your husband see how good the results can be!

relax, breath. its ok. he is only eight and you will have to constantly remind him about things even brushing his teeth. make a chart for him to check off ..morning make bed, put p.j.'s in hamper, eat breakfast, evenings ... put school clothes in hamper, before bed.. pick up toys. you get the picture but if dad isnt on the same page about improtant things then its time to get frazzled but going to bed at 9 30 isnt going to stop the world neither will laundary on the bathroom floor.

Punish or lose reward for your son when not cleaning up after himself, no matter what Daddy does. Daddy is daddy and does not have to follow the same rules, even though that would be nice. As for routine when you're not around? Let it go. If Dad's in charge, let him do it his way. You can remind him (not nag) about school and lack of sleep, etc. But, you will have to let it go and be glad that you get to back to school and that your husband is willing to help out in that regard. Write down a daily routine for your husband to consult when necessary. But, don't freak out when he doesn't follow it. Just remind him it's there. You sound obsessive and he sounds laid back. Same with me and mine, but reversed depending upon the issue. We've both had to learn to let it go for everyone's sake. We're still learning too.

Does your husband put his dirty clothes away, or does he just leave them on the floor. If he leaves them laying, then your son is just "being like Dad". If the son is the only one that is lazy you can do any number of things. I used to charge my boys money for every garment I picked up. I kept a price chart on the wall and I did make tham pay up. Or you can establish a merret/demerret system. At the end of an agreed upon period, if he comes out even (start with a specific number) he gets a priviledge, but if he comes out in the minus column, he loses priviledges until he brings them up to norm. Dad needs to grow up and understand that the boy needs a good night's sleep in order to do well in school. Don't let him have any extra sleep time on mmornings when he went to bed late. At report card time, if he is not up to par, point this out to Dad and ask if he realizes he is the guilty party? You have to have complete co-operation with your husband, or it will never work. You may have to remind your husband that you aren't going to school to be a "coed" but to be able to contribute to the financial future of the family, and he has a responsibility to help you in any way he can.

I am really surprised that nobody has mentioned a "control" issue. Let it go, be flexible. You are making yourself tired. I have 5 children(ages 4 to 11), went back to school the August before last(when me twins were 3) and have managed to realize things do not have to always be perfect. I now have a full-time job, run kids to YMCA games (even coached!), pick up after everybody, cook, clean,do laundry....Your son needs to have responsibilities(doing dishes, making bed, picking up clothes) and if he doesn't fulfill them and you have to do them, it will be time taken away from the fun stuff you could be doing with him instead. Make it clear the expectation and consequence. Leave room for flexibility or you will tire yourself out trying to control it all and cause yourself to have bitterness and anger. I've tried it both ways and the letting it go is better! So what if he doesn't get to bed at the exact same time everynight, but try to do it as much as possible or as close as possible. Your husband is not you and we (I say we because I have been there)seem to think we can do everything better, but the truth is if we died tomorrow, would it matter if your child went to bed late a few nights a week? Life can and will go on without us. I am not saying live in a pigstye or anything, just realize flexibility will alleviate alot of your stress. The only person you control is you. My neighbor was so uptight with things to be done around the house that she made laminated cards she hung around her kids neck with their lists of chores that needed to be done!!! OVERBOARD! I always see her YELLING at her family and husband. Who wants to live with that?!?!? The only thing I can say is I am so glad that I quit sweating the small stuff..........However, I do know it is easier said than done too! :) Be Blessed!

M.

Hi C.,

You've gotten some really good advice here :) I just wanted to share my situation with you. I don't know if it will help, but it surely won't hurt :)

I have 2 step children, a 9yo boy, and an 11yo girl. They have both been picking up after themselves for at least the 2 years that I have been in the picture. For us, routine is vital. If our routine gets messed up - the kids really suffer the next day. Our bedtime is 8:30... but of course we're flexible on nights like tonight because of church. But even allowing for the flexibility, they are in bed no later than 10 on a school night. As for the laundry in the bathroom, here's what I did. When I moved in and took over the household duties (laundry, dishes, cleaning, getting the kids to school, etc) I told them both that if they wanted their clothes to be washed, they would put them in the clothes hamper. I get ready to do laundry - I go in their rooms and get the hampers. If any clothes are on the floor, I leave them there, and they don't get washed. There have been a couple times for both kids that they didn't have clean socks, or a specific shirt that they wanted to wear b/c it wasn't in the hamper. They also put their clothes up in the dresser, or hang them in the closet once they are washed and folded. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect him to do the same.

I agree w/ the poster that said it's disrespectful for them to not pick up after themselves... and I think the idea of putting his dirty clothes on his clean pillow is pretty creative too!

Sometimes you just have to try different things until you find the thing that works best for your son... Lord knows I've done a lot of trying - and I'm still learning!

But - all in all, pick your battles, keep a sense of humor, and most of all, put your trust in God and pray about it... it will all come together sooner or later !! :)

I hear you. My husband is the same way with our 2y/o daughter. I am so sick and tired of the pacifier. And as much as I take it / throw it away he just turns around and hands her another one. Same things with bath and bedtime. It seems to get done when it's convienient for him. And I can't be there all the time because I work 24/48 as an EMT. So who knows what else she gets away with. With some people it does work to sit down with them and bring up in a "non confrontational" manner what you're seeing and how it makes you feel. With other ones you just wish you could throw something heavy at them. I don't really know what else to tell you as my DH is the throw something at type. Best of luck to you.

I have a great chore chart that breaks down things into daily activities...for example:
SUNDAY
Errands & Catch-up MONDAY
Front Room TUESDAY
Office Area & Family Room WEDNESDAY
Kids’ Bedroom & Bath THURSDAY
Kitchen FRIDAY
Misc. chores SATURDAY
Master Bed & Bath
and then it lists specific activities of the week...laundry, kids activities, etc. If you want to give me your email address I can forward.
Also, I work for Aetna full time from home from Katy! I've been with Aetna for 10 years this month...hope you are having a great telework experience!

hi C.,

well first thing first, you have to get your husband on the same page. He has to think this is important do to the fact that it teaches his son to care about himself, about his things and he will really feel like a member of the family when he contributes to picking things up too.
If your husband does not care about these things you have to at least get him to agree w/ you and agree that he will continue to ensure his son follows the rules while you are not there. Then you have to trust husband.