It's a long story and I'll try to keep it as brief as possible, but the short question is I need some tips on dealing with their elderly and their loss of independence, books, recommendations? The background is that my grandma is 90. She still lives alone in a townhouse with the help of her neighbors, my dad and my brother. She does not have dementia, although she is periodically a little confused or forgetful for short periods of time. She is capable of handling most of her own finances, affairs, etc. We help and monitor. She is going through a difficult period of loss and transition (that is an understatement) because my mom, her only child, died in October. We are all still adjusting to our new reality. My grandma no longer drives, but does have a valid driver's license and still owns a car. For the last couple of years she only drove short distances in her small town. She quit driving altogether a few months ago when a grandma driving her grandchildren was involved in a fatal accident in our area. Years ago, before I could even imagine my oldest son driving, she promised to save her car for him and give it to him. It seemed so far in the future at the time that I would just nod and say "We'll see" and she kept insisting. Well, the oldest son turned 16 in July and got his license in September. Suddenly, that 2001 Buick of Grandma's with low mileage looked pretty good and we told her, yes we would take her up on her offer. She seemed genuinely happy. We initially told her we would take it sometime spring of 2013, but then for a variety of reasons told her we would like it this winter and started making arrangements. We purchased new tires for the car and paid for the license tab renewal. Although she wanted to give my son the car, for legal and financial reasons we must purchase it. So we started looking into preparing a bill of sale. Suddenly, Grandma has changed her tune a little. She keeps coming up with excuses to delay sale and delivery of the car. She periodically gets upset that we are "taking her car." She wants her neighbors to use it to drive her to the store, get her haircut, etc. It's not safe for Grandma to drive. It doesn't make sense to have the car sitting in her garage. Even when her neighbors drive it that is only once a week or every other week. Her neighbors own cars they could drive her in and she is very good about giving them gas money. I know she wants my son to have it, but she is struggling with the loss of independence. I get what is going on here. She suffered a huge, unimaginable loss with the death of my mom and now she is going to lose her car, which represents independence to her. So how do we help her with this transition? Do we just go ahead with the sale as previously planned? Do we postpone it or is that just postponing the inevitable? How do we talk to her to ease her fears? Any books any one can recommend on dealing with the elderly? This is obviously just a first step and we will face future issues with her, especially if she is no longer able to live alone safely. Oh, my grandma and I have always been very close. Even when my mom was still alive I was often Grandma's confidante and she would tell me things she didn't tell other people. We are even closer now and I talk to her every day, but since my mom died I have noticed periodic tension in our relationship as we both deal with the loss and change. TIA!
Yes, we are very prepared legally. We have all the necessary powers of attorney, I am listed on her check book and bank accounts, and we have the power to make medical decisions. I am an attorney by background and my dad is very experienced in the legal care of elders. This is more of an emotional and relationship question.
In an effort to not make this any longer than it already was I did not originally include that my dad and brother are strongly encouraging this transaction for reasons that are ultimately financially and legally beneficial to my grandma (hard for her to see that though). They also feel uncomfortable with her neighbors driving the car and I think also fear that in a pinch grandma might decide to take it for spin, which is really not a good idea. If not for me dragging my feet and somewhat advocating for Grandma the car would probably already be out of her garage. I am going to look at any websites or resources that were recommended. Then I am going to sit down with grandma in person and have a heart to heart talk, acknowledging her feelings and concerns and seeing where she wants to go with this. I think deep down she really wants my son to have the car, but she wants it done on her terms and schedule. Thanks all.
ETA May 2013: I did not totally drop the subject, but I did back off a little and let Grandma determine the timetable. It turned into a lose-lose situation for a while because when I suggested she might want to just keep the car and we will look for a different one she got REALLY upset. She signed the title last week and I think we will pick up the car this weekend. She had a recent health scare, was hospitalized for a week and is temporarily in rehab. She is in a mood to get her "affairs in order." She wants her garage available to sort through her stuff and she doesn't want to pay her next car insurance bill. BTW, she will be 91 May 15.
Put it off for now. She is not ready to part with it. Let it go for now. I think if and when it is her idea it will work out fine. Please do not push the issue
I work in this area. Driving retirement is really traumatic and can be a very depressing time for older (or any) people. This website has some great resources about how to actually go about having the conversations you need: http://www.thehartford.com/advance50/publications-on-aging.
There are a lot of transport and other services out there designed to keep people like your grandmother independent. Have a look for Community Transport in her area. Approach it as a way to keep her independence - she doesn't have to rely on family or friends, and can get about as she needs to.
Good luck.
My grandmother lived into her 90's and although she didn't drive herself, she absolutely would not agree to having no car.
May aunt took her to regular appointments in the car, they took it for regular service checks. When my other family members travelled from out of state to stay with her, they used her car as opposed to a rental.
It was a nice car in superior shape, and she simply wasn't ready to part with it. No one forced the issue. When I went back and stayed with her, we had a vehicle that we could use to go anywhere we wanted.
She gave up driving because it made her too nervous, but she certainly loved having a car that family members could use when they were there.
I know she mentioned your son having the car, but I wouldn't press it.
I really wouldn't. In her heart, I'm sure she meant it, but giving up her own way to get around isn't really worth it, in my opinion. Not until she's truly ready.
My grandmother lived to 94 and she had a pristine car parked in her garage.
She had already accepted that she couldn't drive it herself, but giving it up all together was not even an option. She held steadfast. She had the money to pay for all the service checks, insurance, registration, new tires (which were rarely needed because of the low mileage).
To the day she died, she never did give up her car.
Your grandmother has been through the loss of a child. She seems like a bit of a sharp cookie who isn't ready to sustain any other losses.
It's just my opinion, but I would tend to let the issue with the car simmer down until she can feel like it's not just another loss.
She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do.
My elderly aunt had me travel 10 hours, one way, to get things that were special to her for safekeeping. A week later, she wanted them back because they had been sent to her from Japan while her husband was a merchant marine. He had recently passed away and she wanted me to keep them safe, which I was happy to do, but after thinking about it, she decided she couldn't live without those things around her.
I love her and wasn't mad at her, but I'd have been better off talking her into just keeping them in the first place.
It wasn't easy to get those things and it certainly wasn't easy to get them back to her. But, I did.
Her happiness was more important than "things" that she wasn't truly ready to give up.
I think that you have to respect her for not being ready.
Just my opinion.
I admit I am not an expert on this subject, however if I were in your place I would stop pushing Grandma about selling her car. She isn't driving it so no immediate reason to worry. Let her know you'd be happy to assist her when she is ready and drop it.
There are a ton of resources for seniors-unfortunately many in your grandmother's age set dont like to reach out. There are social workers that would work with her on the transition.
We put my father in a senior living apartment building. It was great because it was easier access in his wheel chair. They had a ton of get togethers and trips to the store-he rarely participated. You can lead a horse to water....
Have you tried suggesting to your son that as a condition of you buying the car for him he would have to visit his great grandmother XX ( I would sugguest once a week depending on your son's schedule) often? They might both like the idea-there would be bonding time, he could run errands or take her places. I did this with my grandmother in my first car and when she passed I was grateful for all the additional visits I had thanks to my snazzy car :)
I have a knot in my throat after reading this.(keep reading my heart is in a good place promise) All I can think is back up off your grandmas car. Its hers. She isnt driving it but has it avalible to take her places as she can still get around and wants her neighbors to help her and all she has to offer is the use of taking her car. It is your grandmothers car. Put yourself in her shoes. One day you will be old, very very old and your family will start to take your car away, your home, make chioces for you that your capable of. How would you feel if today your family came to you and said were ready for you to give us something major that your not ready to give up yet and we can MAKE you do it too. This so upsets me because she isnt driving it herself / she isnt harming others by being a unsafe old lady driver. But it is hers. In the sweetiest, bottom of my heart, i feel your pain, my granma will be 85 this yr,.... back off your grams. show her a little more love and understanding that is her car and she earned it and it is hers to give when she is ready....or not give if she chooses to do so. she isnt dead yet...she isnt ready yet to give a GIFT yet either.
i agree with Patty K. Do not force the issue. Its really not a big deal if she is not ready. You can find another car. It is not worth the pain it will cause her. Growing old is hard. Growing dependent is even harder. She sounds young at heart (and mind)...which only makes losing one's independence even more challenging. Take it slow. Respect her feelings. Keep your relationship in tact.
First of all, let me say I'm sorry for your loss:(
Additionally, I totally get what you're going thru! I just recently went thru all this with my Daddy. Maybe your laws are different in your state, but as financial power of attorney I was able to just transfer the title of my Daddy's car to my sister; no problems.
As for your Grandma not being ready to give up her car, don't force her! Especially if she's not driving it - if she were still driving, then I'd say hide the keys!! It is very painful emotionally for her in so many aspects right now (as I'm sure it is for you as well); I would drop it for a little while. However, I WOULD point out to her that if someone else is driving her car and has an accident, she would be liable for everything. Maybe approach a discussion in that direction. (There is no way I'd be letting someone drive my Daddy's car without owning it and paying for the insurance themselves!!!)
With my Daddy, I dreaded the thought of having a discussion about his car - that was definitely his last thread of independence - but then came a day when he realized for himself he couldn't drive any more and told me to go ahead and transfer the title. It about killed me (and I cried at the motor vehicle place) but I knew it was the right thing to do.
Good luck and God bless; I know this is not easy!!
At 70, having dealt with this over the past few years, I suggest that you focus on how she feels. Encourage her to talk about how losing the car and losing her daughter make her feel. Steer the conversation to helping her understand that it's normal for her to feel this second loss especially strong because of the first loss along with all the other loses she's experiencing. Talk about loss. Do this over a period of several weeks. Empathize with her. Help her express her feelings.
Then talk about how she wanted to give her car to your son. Talk about how responsible he is and how much you all appreciate the gift. Suggest that your son will come get her for grocery shopping etc. if she wants him to do that. Suggest that he'll take her for rides. Focus on how this is a gift instead of just a loss.
What will help is if she feels that her feelings are validated; are important. That you do understand, as much as you can at your age, what all this means to her. Don't tell her you understand. Tell her you empathize. Give her time to deal with her feelings. Accept her time table for having this happen. That means that gradually you build in a time table in your talks. Gradually she'll accept the time table and will hand over the car with a bit of encouragement.
So sorry for the loss of your mother.
I think you need to postpone the transfer of the car until your grandmother is ready to sell it. As you stated she does not have dementia. It is her car so it would be wrong to force her to sell it.
I"m wondering... gahh this sound bad, but if you give her a guilt trip. Like we'll we really want jonny to have a car for his part time job. Since you do'nt seem ready to part with it, we have looked in the classifieds and there seems to be one that will work, ti's not as nice as your and it has more milage etc but it will do, we will go look at it next weekend. that might bring it into focus and give it a time line, and she might see that keeping her car is silly, or she might be relived and it would offer her a way out and she could keep the car.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I would talk to her about it one more time directly and give her one last opportunity to either sell it to you or back out. Just let her know that either way, you need an answer soon to relay to your son. If she wants to back out, let her know it's ok. Don't make her feel guilty about it. She's dealing with a lot. Forcing this issue now may drive a wedge between you two. But I don't think it's unreasonable for her to give you a straight answer on her decision.
My own grandmother was the same way, and she just had to give up her car when she was good and ready. She also flip-flopped on the issue for 6 months before finally deciding to sell it.
How nearby are you and your driving son? It is one of biggest losses of independence, to lose one's ability to get up and go in their own mode of transportation.
Can you genuinely offer to have your son take Grandma shopping or to her hair appointments as part of the sale? Rather than her asking her neighbors and depending upon them, or her wanting to offer her own car as part of the favor, your family could fill in somehow?
She is in space that for whatever odd reason, needs to be respected, no matter how illogical it seems. What's unfortunate is that your family has already invested money towards the maintenance of the car for the upcoming sale.
I would recommend that you kindly remind her of your honest intentions to purchase the car at a fair market value, plus you have taken steps towards towards maintaining the car with the new tires and tabs, etc. But you are sense that she needs to wait a while and that you will respect that.
My worry in these situations is that has she started promising the car to someone else? Yikes if she has headed down that path.
Listen, I've had 5 aunts/uncles pass away this past year. All 3 of my aunts were scammed. It is very unfortunate but it happens all the time.
This is hard for your grandmother to let go of the car. To her this represents her independence, even if she doesn't drive it much. You should make arrangements to buy a different car for your son. Let her car sit in her garage because its her's and she's not ready to part with it, so find another car for your son. This is how you avoid causing her any more distress. Take the easy road on this one. If you think she's living unsafely, you might conult adult protective services to guide you. At 90, this will eventually be necessary, but don't make this about the car.
Yeah, what makes sense in reality,well, they don't live in reality. Still she is not a child and what she says now, goes. You can't force the sale.
Bummer, I know. I sure hope you have things like power of attorney and medical power of attorney in place. You need to have someone on her HIPPA papers at all her doctors. It's not like this is a surprise.
Too bad this didn't get taken care of by your mom. No matter how much she loves you and your kids there will be differences of opinion. There ought to be a department on Ageing in your county. Also look on Medicare's site for planning.
