Timid/Shy Daughter

I've got a three year old as well and she too is shy. She doesn't like new situations, she's easily frightened by new people and big group settings can overwhelm her. I was much the same, still am sometimes. We've found the best thing to do for her is to introduce her to a new "thing" whatever it is slowly. If it's a new group of kids/people my husband and I will sit with her at the door and watch the group interact for awhile, letting her adjust to the new faces. Then we'll move a little closer and give her the choice of joining in. The biggest key for her is that for a few visits, we don't leave. When we leave the first time (church/sunday school) we promise that we'll stay outside the door for awhile. If she feels afraid she can call out or cry and we'll come back.

It's taken time, it's a lengthy process but she's become used to certain settings and people and we now don't have the huge sobbing/screaming meltdowns. Sometimes, with doctors etc, those moments are unavoidable. We always congratulate her on how brave she is even if she cries, there isn't anything wrong with crying, it's how little kids, even vocal ones show us their emotions.

I don't know your daughter, but I say let her be a little shy. She'll adapt as time goes on. And if you are still really concerned talk to your doctor or pediatrician (just NOT in front of her, if your daughter is like mine her feelings are sensitive and she knows when we are talking about her) diagnosing your own kids via the internet can be dangerous. Not always wrong, but risky.

Good luck!

I encourage you to embrace your daughter as she is. I was a very shy child ... in fact, when my mom visited me in preschool, all the other kids were doing circle time music and I chose to sit on the side by myself. Apparently, my mom went home and cried, thinking something was wrong with me. There wasn't. I was just shy. It's not a bad condition or really something that has to be overcome completely. Outgoing isn't always better.

As I entered grade school, I made close friendships with a small number of children. I was never one to want 20 friends. I had maybe 5 at a time and we were really close. I still keep in touch with most today, many for more than 30 years now.

What helped me lose some of the shyness was recognizing my strengths. Receiving praise for what I did do well and hearing less talk about how I needed to stop being so shy (which was a downer and made me feel abnormal) made a difference. Some college professors really boosted my confidence by recognizing my talents and in the end I made a career in PR. I was even a spokesperson for two divisions of a corporation.

I still consider myself shy, but I function just fine in the world. Your daughter is going to be ok. I would recommend preschool (even I got through it) because it will build her confidence and independence to some degree before kindergarten. Even if she seems to hate it, with time she'll adjust.

I would get her involved in small group activities, such as story time at the library or a gym class for tots. You could also enroll her in a preschool next fall a couple times a week or put her in daycare a few times a week now. Get her into these settings and you will probably notice a change in her behavior.

My son is exactly her age. I am a SAHM so he was ALWAYS with me. We never left him with anyone else, so our family would always come over to our home to babysit. He just started preschool this past fall and it took one full week of school to be able to drop him off without any crying or screaming. Now, he can't get out of the car fast enough!! He LOVES school. So, I guess my point is to not give up after just one attempt. I know, it was probably embarrassing, but you are not the first mother to have this happen to her!

Good luck to you!

Hi,

My child development class taught that shyness is a personality type and should not be looked at as necessarily bad, but also you don't want her to be socially behind. I don't think daycare is a good idea. I think she needs to have small playgroups of one or two kids to play with, and you there but not allowing her to sit on your lap the entire time, but allowing her for the first few minutes. Children do sense tension and stress from their mothers, so if you are upset by the way she is behaving during the behavior, she will sense that. I think that if you act really happy and positive and tell her that she is okay, that she will warm up to a friend or two. You can gradually do this more and more. As far as Sunday school, have you tried sitting in her class with her for the first few minutes, or even the first class, and then gradually leaving? She will still probably cry, but while you are there, she will see that the SS teacher is nice and the other kids are nice, and so when you do leave, she will know what to expect from the class. And if she screams for longer than 5 minutes, you can have the teacher come and get you, and you can come back, but not take her out of the room, and tell her she is okay.

As far as her later milestones, I think that is part of her personality, not her intelligence. I used to work as a Child Developmental Specialist. All kids develop differently. If she won't do something til later, and then all the sudden does it, and does it well, then that is nothing to worry about.

I have a daughter that acts shy, but when eased into situations, she relaxes after a while and does just fine, but is never the most outgoing kid. But she is still fine.

Also, when I was a kid, I was painfully, painfully shy, and it helped to be in smaller groups of kids, rather than a huge room of kids, and also my mom was shy, so I think I mimicked her behavior. Having your child learn new things and then praising her will raise her self esteem a lot.

Take care,
Marci

I agree also that a part time preschool/daycare program may be good for her. Many Kids R Kids locations have 2 or 3 days a week as an option. They are structured, so they have learning activities and play time. I bet if you get her involved in a program like that she will quickly adapt and make friends. She may still be a bit shy, but she will learn to play with others and then kindergarten won't be such a shock.

I love the Kids R Kids my son attends. The owner, director and all the teachers are very loving and encouraging and my son has a blast there!

One note, she will cry when you drop her off. Don't let that bother you. I worked in a daycare so I speak from experience. I have several children that were shy or had separation anxiety. They always stop crying within 5 minutes after mom left. So just drop her off, give her a hug and kiss tell her you love her and leave, quickly. I know it's heartbreaking but believe me I never had a child (that wasn't an infant) cry very long.

Hang in there, I'm sure it's a phase she will grow out of. My best friend is super shy but she is a fully functioning adult (and she has no developmental issues she is just plan shy!)

My daughter has SELECTIVE MUTISM. I diagnosed her at 15 months. The symptoms that you described sounds like you should look into it. I'd be happy to talk to you more about it, but you may get a lot more by googling SELECTIVE MUTISM.

Because from the time I noticed the SM signs until around kindergarten were so miserable for my daughter (and for all who loved her of ocurse,) I decided to medicate her. I tried placibos first without any result. The went to prozac (as shown in studies with SM). I started 4 weeks before kindergarten because I wanted her to start school off right if possible. MAGIC!

It has been such a blessing. She is a very social child now, and we never thought she could ever be so outgoing. Very seldom will she crawl back into that hole. (and we are lucky that she doesn't experience any negative side effects.)

Good luck and God Bless.

Not much to add to all the wonderful advice here, but I can give a couple more ideas--first of all, I had a little boy like this when I oversaw an extremely small church nursery in college. He was absolutely glued to his mother, and he would scream and cry for sometimes half an hour when she left. But, after a few weeks, the crying got shorter, and eventually, it didn't last long at all! HOWEVER, if she ever showed her face during the church service, "just to check up on him", and left again, the screaming started and wouldn't stop. I highly recommend, whatever you do, be deliberate and don't pop in and out during the activity. Incidentally, this boy was the best-behaved ~3 year old I'd ever seen! Poor thing would even put himself in a corner when he threw a tantrum. As he got over it a little more, he would cry for a few minutes and then ask to sit in the playpen. I think it was comforting for him. It took a few months, but he got to where he would even play with me.

Phew, that was longer than I intended! Okay, the other suggestion is what my mom did for me when I was a kid in daycare. I was just learning about reading clocks (I had a book with a tape about telling time that I loved). So my mom made me a little cloth "watch" on a velcro strap, and the clockface read 5:30 pm. That way, I knew that when the clock matched my watch, Mom would be coming to pick me up! I think it helped me relax, because if the clock didn't match, I just kept playing. That specific thing may not work for you, but maybe something similar! Good luck!

My god-daughter had similar problems with her 2nd son being so attached to her. I babysat her boys on a weekly basis for an
evening out with her husband so he was use to me. However, when
it came time for her to go to a mothers' share group at the church,
it was very difficult for her to leave him. So I went with him and
stayed with him at least two times, maybe 3. I got to where I could
stand near the door of his class and finally I was able to walk away,
always coming back. He had the opportunity to meet and interact with the other children and started to enjoy it. Hopefully, it is
just a short lived stage for you, as well. Good luck.

Hi V.,
I could have written your post except my child is a boy. He started Nursery school at 3-1/2 and it was a rough couple of weeks. Know this though, even though he cried when I (or my mom) took him, and it had us freaked out for the rest of the day--the teachers say they are almost ALL fine after the parents leave and they get interested in something. My son is soon to be 7 and his teacher laughed at me when I asked if he is too shy in class or afraid to ask for help if he needs it!
When kids are mostly home (like yours and mine) they are very attached to their caregivers but they do adjust. Sometimes the show is just for you. LOL. Some kids even feel guilty about having fun without you there. make sure she knows you want her to go, play and have fun. O. more thing--don't let it show that you are upset when you leave her. Keep it light, brief and upbeat. I'd try the Sunday School again...and again...she'll do it! Good luck!

how about not giving her the option to sit on your lap durring the play date. get down on the floor and play with the girls. play dress up. if she does sit on your lap dont make a huge deal of it let her sit then say super excited oh look at this or lets play with that! then say oh i am going to go get a supprise stay here i will be right back...when she wines or follows tell her " oh stay here its a supprise brb" and go grab a snack or something fun for tea party. as far as the church nursery we had the same problem with our son. he hated the nursery we ended up swiching churches and he is still fussy at the new nursery but not nearly as bad. he gets over it in about five mins. or less. if your ok with leaving her she will eventually understand that its ok when mom leaves.

My son was similar to your daughter in several ways. What worked best was seeking out ONE friend (a similar personality) and meeting in a "no fail" environment for a short period. If this child and this environment is successful, repeat being extra careful to govern the particulars until she's ready for more. She needs LOTS of small successes. Good luck!

Wow....you got a lot of responses...I was only going to add that I was in a similar situation (late 30's, only child, trying to improve his social skills). The way I resolved the issue was to become a childcare provider so that children would come into my home and socialize with my son and me. This helped my son because he was still in his comfort zone (his home) but he learned to share/socialize with other children his age on an ongoing basis. He always knew I was there and I'm sure that helped him be okay with it all. I did it part-time and then grew to full-time over the course of a couple of years.
Just a thought,
Jen

I think your best bet would be to continue to have playdates, but foster their activities. Sit with them and play a board game, do a craft, or join them in playing a role playing game such as house. This will be a good start and a model for her. When she seems confortable, then introduce her to more independent play dates - preferable to someone elses house, so she can't cling to you. I used to teach Kdg and 1st grade, and I bet she will be fine by then, but it is good to foster the skills in her now!

If you attend a church, nursery might be a good place to begain, other than that see if you can have her stay with a friend once in awhile that does have children. She will start to learn from them. Also you do need to bite the bullet and just leave her, tell her that you will be back to get her. When you do make a big deal of it...

Hi V.,
Have you ever considered an aupair program? Maybe with someone she can trust taking care of her, she might be able to flourish her social side. Someone young to became her friend and take her to places with other kids. You can find more information and testimonials at www.goaupair.com
Hope that helps a bit!

My oldest little girl (the second child) is 5 1/2 (turned 5 in September), and she is also incredibly shy. I have had her going to a Mother's Day Out (just 9-2:30) since she was 1 (1 day a week when she was 1 and 2, 2 days a week when she was 3 and 4, and now 3 days a week when she's 5, but we still had attachment issues when she started back to school this past fall. For a good month and a half, close to two months, she cried every time I left her at school, Sunday School, or dance class, but after that transition time (which seemed like a long transition time to me!), she is actually smiling when I leave her at all those places. She's still shy at new places and around new people, though; we can go to a birthday party with kids she knows, and she'll cling to my leg for close to an hour before she'll warm up to play with the other kids.

I'm telling you all of this so you'll know that I know where you're coming from. But here's the thing. Even if you leave your daughter screaming and have to have her pried away from you, within minutes of you leaving (usually), she'll be happily playing with others. I know how hard it is to leave your little one crying his or her eyes out, but it's really harder on you than it is on the kiddo. And by giving in to her screaming by not taking her back to the places where she screams when you leave her, you're teaching her that that's all she has to do to keep you with her.

Since you are worried about the socialization of your daughter as well, I would recommend putting her in a Mother's Day Out part-time, a couple of days a week (the kids who go two or three days a week usually have less trouble adjusting than the kids who go just one day a week), or if you don't want to do that, try to have a regularly scheduled playdate once a week with some friends with kids the same age.

Something my daughter's teacher this year suggested to help in the transition period was for me to leave a picture of me with her so that when she's missing me she can look at it, and that really helped her. It was a big deal with she finally announced that she didn't need the picture anymore!

I do have to admit that after years of this, I've become rather inured to my daughter's crying. She would cry at places where I know she has fun and wants to go (like dance), for no other reason than that "she wants me" (I hear that chant A LOT!) While it's still hard to leave her crying, I also don't give her a choice about where she's going, and she gets over it. (Though it really helps if the person in charge where I'm leaving her will get her to do the activities rather than just letting her sit there and sulk.) I'm really not callous about it (well, not too much!)--when I take her to school, I still stick around for the hand-washing routine and at least 4 hugs before I'm able to walk out the door, but it feels so much better to leave her with a smile rather than tears.

Finally, I will leave you with a thought that someone shared with me when my daughter was crying everywhere we went this past fall: she's a child who will always want to come back home for the holidays and visits. When I'm frustrated and worn out by my daughter's crying, I remind myself of that, and it's some comfort to think of a positive outcome to her attachment to me.

Here are some good suggestions by Dr.Kyle Pruett
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2009/10/30/...

Have you discussed this with her pediatrician? The doctor should be able to help. It almost sounds like you personally need to talk with a counselor/therapist/psychologist to help you see that you are not helping your daughter grow up. "The best things we can give our children is roots and wings." It will be harder for you, but you must learn to make her separate from you. As a single parent, I had great mentors who helped me see that I needed to let my daughter learn to do things on her own. Counseling was very helpful.

Honeslty? either have your friends add in children or put her in daycare for one day a week or something. When you leave her make sure that you tell her you'll be right back.

She may not be socially ready to play with other kids yet and that's okay! My daughters started preschool at 3 and 3 1/2. They were both pretty shy and quiet. They didn't really form friendships until around age 4. They did what teacher's call "parallel play" which means playing next to other children, but not with them. Which is perfectly normal for a child of that age. Some kids are more social earlier and some later.

My oldest is now 6 and in kindergarten. She is doing very well and has lots of friends. My youngest turns 4 next week and is just starting to make friends at her preschool. At home she is very talkative and plays a lot with her sister. Now she is starting to become more social at preschool.

Give your daughter time to develop socially. Don't worry that this is how she will be in 2-3 years. She'll make lots of developmental strides by then. :)

To Encourage her:

Sign her up for gymnastics, a music class, take her to library storytime so she can get comfortable with groups of kids with you still around.

Enroll her in 1/2 day preschool next fall, two or three days a week, so she can become comfortable in a class setting away from you. It may be a difficult transition at first but she and you will get through it! Preschool teachers are used to dealing with this. If she has this experience then she will be much more ready when the start of kindergarten comes around.

V., First and foremost DON'T let other people tell you that your daughter being shy is a bad/negative thing or something you need to fix. My daughter was the same way until age 6. She didn't do well around others and wouldn't even speak to others even when spoken to. I tried to put her in a mothers day out program at 3 and she freaked out and I had to take her home. At age 4 we tried again and I had to sit in a corner for the first few weeks. She rarely played with any of the kids, but instead sat by herself and watched them play. The main thing for you to focus on is to make sure you don't do too much for her. Make her speak for herself. Arrange play dates to give her the opportunity to play with others or at least watch others play. Join a Mommy and Me style class of some type. Give her lots of opportunities to be around other children, but there is no reason to make any experience traumatic. With dilegence things will improve, but she will most likely always remain shy. That's who she is and it's not a bad thing. My daughter is now 13. Not near as shy as she once was, but by all means not a social butterfly. She is a straight A student, she is a perfectionist, she is responsible beyond her age, she has an amazing moral compass, she does not gossip, and she is not involved in cliques. She still gets nervous about answering the telephone or the door or having to speak with a stranger, but we still work on those types of things on a regular basis and I do see improvement even though it's just baby steps.

I'm glad you've gotten so many great responses. I was like this as a child. I can remember crying and pleading to stay in the car so that I didn't have to go play softball with the other kids when I was 5. I was petrified. We do get over it and go on to become successful adults. Please just have a tremendous amount of patience with her and encourage her. She needs practice and lots of baby steps, but as another poster said, don't make her feel inferior for being shy. She needs to feel safe in order to try things that are uncomfortable for her. Also, the sooner she learns not to care what other people think, the better - meaning it's ok to make mistakes. Shyness and perfectionism are often linked. Thank you for looking out for her. She's going to be just fine.

I haven't read all your responses, hope I'm not overloading with more. I just have to comment because I have two little girls and my first was exactly like yours!!! Totally cautious about everything. I'd take her to singing time or story time and she'd carefully watch from my lap, never ever being one of the kids at the front joining in on everything...she never joined in. Potty training was late. I wanted to work part time at a mother's day out program but they wouldn't let her be in the same class so I heard her devastated cry all day long in the next classroom. (We lasted one day.) So what we did was when we started nursery at church I faithfully stayed in there with her for 3 months. Just sat on the floor against the wall. This made her feel safe. In the beginning she would come and bring toys and sit on my lap to play with them. As time progressed she participated more and more without coming to me. It felt like an eternity, and that she was never going to get used to it, but for this kind of child, this kind of temperment, it worked like a charm. Leaving her screaming, which might work for a certain kind of kid, would only traumatize her and set her back. She is now 5 and loves her school. When she started at 4 I came everyday for a week with her, and we spent one hour there. Then she knew it was a safe place and could go without me. She is still careful and cautious, but has become very good socially. Don't worry about that part, it will come quickly once she starts attending school. I am proud to report that she is confident and secure so just keep up the good work!

My 5 year old isn't necesssarily shy or timid, but he had only ever been cared for by family and close family members while I was in school and he didn't play well with kids his own age. The kids he had exposure to were at least 2 years older. He had no patience for kids his own age who maybe couldn't talk as clearly or didn't know how to share, etc. Then we found out we were having twins and we decided that he needed a social outlet and we put him in pre-school last spring. We started with 2 half days a week, and then in the fall we moved him up to 2 full days, and this January he went to full week all day. From what I've learned in my education is that if we let kids to get their way without putting them in uncomfortable situations, then they will not make the effort to be sociable, and they will learn that throwing a fit gets them out of things. However, it's not good to just throw her into things either, she needs to be around other kids and interact, but take it somewhat slowly. Is it possible for you to sit in her Sunday school class with her for a few weeks, and then gradually wean yourself out, leaving her in there with 15 minutes left of class then 30 minutes, etc? Also, is it possible that you could be projecting some of yours and your husbands conditions/fears onto her. I find myself doing this quite a bit, it's a hard habit to break, especially if you're not aware you're doing it.

Your child may have sensory integration issues or some other sensory spectrum issues. I have a daughter who had this. A good neuropschologist can evaluate this for you. There is a good book out there by Carol Kranowitz called the "Out of Sync Child". See if this fits. On the upside, my daughter who had similar issues had physical therapy to help her with her motor skills (also common in kids with sensory issues) and we also had therapy with a good learning specialist who actually did metronome therapy (our daughter had a brain issue- expressive language delay and vestibular sensory isuses0 she could not balance herself in space or ride a bike) She is now 13 and doing great. Most of these kids are very bright, but their brain has a deficit. We did put her in a smaller private school setting for several years to keep the sensory stimulus down, but she has adapted well and is doing great. They will improve, but you will want and need to invest the time and therapy to make it happen. Find out what your child specifically has and it will become easier to get her help and you a piece of mind. Good luck and God Bless. T.