Timeline to Turn Adult Kids Room into a Guest Room

Tell her if she wants a dedicated room, she has to pay a dedicated amount for rent.

Or tell her when she dedicates a room for you in her home, you will do likewise.

Kids have a hard time seeing that mom and dad really are not responsible for them anymore and that mom and dad actually DO have a life outside of them!

Yeah.. but you moved into another home. It's not like you just went and changed her childhood room.. and even if you did, she is 23!

I think a little compromise could be in order, she does come home weekly, so I would allow her to have some clothes there, and put a few of her things around the room.... besides, how often do you have other guests coming to visit?

If she has her own apartment, her stuff should be there UNLESS, it's a small dorm type space she likely won't be able to take all her stuff.

When they are on their own, paying their own rent and no longer coming home from school.

I have younger ones, so they will be moving into the older ones rooms, but not one moment before they are ready to leave.....and I could really use those rooms lol

Nope Sorry, when you move out on your own, you old "childhood bedroom reverts back to the parents..

There is no rule a child's room stays a child's room for the rest of your life..
We all grow up.. He bedroom is now wherever she lives full time..

Plus this was never HER house, she never really lived there. . This is your home.. and she is welcome to stay as a beloved family member, but she does not live there.

I'm with you. She moved out. While I would allow her to have things in the home (like her toothbrush and some clothes), I wouldn't cater to just her taste for that room. She's a guest in your home now. You said she moved out to an apartment - which tells me she has a whole apartment to herself and does not need your roof. We have not changed SS's room yet (no need, and his long term housing is not settled) but we will return it to a guest room when he has his own abode. Then he will be man of HIS home and a guest in ours. We will maintain SD's room through graduation as she is likely to be here for summers and other breaks and has no apartment of her own. But after that? Well, not if she gets her own apartment. Once she's out, DD will get the big room, just like SD inherited it from SS.

Are your DD's friends moved out? Or do they only live somewhere else during the school year (aka live on campus when they are not home)? Big difference.

And did I read that right - you downsized 4 yrs ago and she's upset? What is she really torked about? She's had 4 years to get used to the idea.

She has her own place now for her things, I would keep the guest room as is, she does not need her own room at your house any longer, she is an adult.

My daughter leaves for college next year. As long as she is in school, and returning "home" for all school breaks, she will have her room here. Once she has her own apartment with a lease, I don't feel that adults need to retain a room at their parents' house. I'm really not sure why an adult who only lives 40 minutes away needs to stay over at mom and dad's on a weekly basis.
As for the friends, it's possible that their parents have kept the kiddults' childhood rooms as their rooms, but your daughter did not grow up in the house that you live in. I don't feel that you get to have it both ways. If you want to be a grownup and have your own home, live a life independent from your parents, then the parents get to do the same.

LOL... try turning it on it's head.

When is she going to get a bigger apartment, so you can have "your" room at her house? Hmmm?

I'm rather biased. By 23 I was married with a baby. I OFTEN stayed the night at my mum's house... but it was her house... not mine. In her home, I was always welcome (and am), but I am also a GUEST in her home. I'm visiting. Not living there.

snork! when the 1st boy moved out we turned 'his' room into a guest bedroom almost immediately. then our spare son moved into it, and my kid still gets mock-angry that it's referred to as 'spare son's room' instead of 'elder son's room.'
my younger just moved out. since his walls are painted black and orange tiger stripes, it's going to take more work to redo it, but redo it we shall. it'll be a spare bedroom too, but with a good quality sofa bed and a huge-screen tv so it can be the media room. that's what we're calling it, but actually it will be my dh's mancave so he can watch nascar with surround sound. i'm perfectly happy to watch my cooking shows and shakespeare movies on the living room tv.
i love it when the boys come home, and they do so a couple of times per month. but they are under no illusions that 'their' rooms will be kept sacrosanct!
:) khairete
S.

K., she's wrong. She wants to be doted on at home, and at 23 years old, that's just ridiculous.

My own son is 19, soon to be 20, and in his sophomore year in college. Even HE understands that his dorm room is his room, and now he doesn't have one where his family lives. He accepts that.

Your daughter has an entire apartment. Good grief. She wants you to give up your guest room so that she can be a diva. Forget it!!

Just tell her no and that just because her adult friends take over their parents' houses, doesn't mean that she needs to take over yours.

Dawn

honestly, as a bereaved parent, I think you're both splitting hairs....

& creating a case of battling semantics....when you should be thankful that she wants to be in your life.

Look into your heart....she's on her own, she's independent, & simply wants a room in your home for the oddball nights there. For me, this is a moment to rejoice.....not to berate her.

My very 1st thought would have been to consult with her in the decor of the guest room....acknowledging her need to be a part of your life & allowing her to respect your need for a guest room. This could have been a partnership, a memory-in-the-making moment between you. & it's not too late. :)

Not sure what your question is, but...

You're certainly not obligated to keep her a room in your house. My little brother (age 20) doesn't have a room in our parents' houses any more.

If she has her own place, and is 23 (FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! Lol.) then she does NOT need her own room at your house...

At this point, it is YOUR house, not HER house any more... no matter how welcome she is to stay.

Maybe let her HELP with the decorating... but ultimately it needs to be done in a way that ANY of your guests will feel welcome in it.

When I lived in my aunt's home she told me it was my home as long as I stayed there but when i moved out it was no longer my home. I coud come back and visit but I could not come back to live there. So this is what you tell your daughter.

If my daughter got ill and had to come home she could until she was able to get back up on her feet. Other than that she comes home to visit on occasion bu has her own apartment. She stays she can't believe she stayed in the room the size it is.

Your daughter being 23 is now a full fledged adult with her own place. A few pictures here and there are fine but not a dedicated room. Her friends have their own issues and they do not apply to your new downsized home.

Good luck to you both. Tell her you love her but her home is now her apartment.

The other S.

PS This reminds me of the State Farm commercial where the son moves back home and mom and dad are living their live without the son. Son thinks they should be taking care of him (tv dinner in microwave). We were people before we were parents.

PPS When my son joined the Army, I thought about keeing his room as a room with my sewing machine(s) in it. Hubby took the bed down and said that he was out and that I needed more room. When son came home from basic he was a bit surprised to find his room was not "his" any more but adjusted to it. So there comes a time when the bird must leave the nest and fly on their own. He now has a home and family of his own and I visit him as a guest about four times a year.

A guest room can be used by your daughter without letting her make it her own and decorating it, etc. She can sleep the one night there and then go home. Those who still have little children at home really need to take advantage of using that room for the younger ones. The older ones can sleep somewhere and still be home but not living there as a permanent home and so don't need decorating and things to their liking in your home. I would never want them to feel it's not 'home' but not like it was when they were little and living there.

IMO once a person has their own apartment they no longer need a room of their own at the parents. While she is always your daughter, when she visits you now she is a "guest" in your home, so she gets to use the guest room.

It took my mom longer than I thought it would for my room to not be "my room" anymore. I thought it would happen the second I left for college. :) It ended up not happening until after I graduated. If she's got her own apartment, she's got "her" room. Your home, while she is obviously welcome there, is no longer her living quarters, and therefore she has no claim to that room. Sorry!

First, this isn't her house its YOURS. You do NOT have to decorate your guest room for her. No no no. Ours will be moving back out in the spring. I will change her room to the guest room the minute her stuff is out!!! If she wants to visit, she can but I do not want her to think she can "move back home". Nope, not an option!!

I would hug her and say she is welcome to visit but she is not living there, is not moving back and thus will not have a room. Doesn't mean you don't love her but she has her big girl panties on now.

Ah parenting. It NEVER ends!!!

I'm actually of the mind that it's a bit odd that she spends a night a week at your house. I'm 24 and have only spent one night at my moms house after moving out, and that was because we were leaving on a vacation together.

When she moves away to college. Generally, that is at 18yo. I suggest letting her add 1 or 2 items of personal significance to the guest room and leave it at that.

In our family we moved a lot (military) and got rid of lots of stuff to make the moves easier, so we never put too much emphasis on material items. My parents moved away before my senior year in high school (I stayed with a friend's family that year), and none of us (me and my 3 older brothers) had a special room in the house after that. Yet, we always managed to feel welcome in their home. Go figure.

I used to have a room for many years but then my sister moved back in with my parents and took over my old room since it had the bigger closet. My mother converted my sister's old room into a guest room so when I come to visit, my daughter sleeps in the guest room and my husband and I sleep on blow up mattresses in the bonus room that is filled with exercise equipment, bookshelves and a broken TV.

Even before my sister moved in, as soon as I moved out my mother repainted my bedroom wall to suit her tastes and re-arranged the furniture. Taking some out and bringing some in, so even though a bunch of my old childhood stuff was still shoved in the closet, the room got redecorated about six months after I was out.

I came home from school one day and my bedroom was a den with a loveseat, couch, TV, and mom's sewing stuff (no warning), and the former den was now my room but different. She hadn't mentioned it so it was a bit of a surprise, but whatever. Mom said she'd boxed up all my stuff for me to go through and that made me feel better---nothing had been thrown away and I could take what I wanted. I took some things with me to my apartment, took some things (yearbooks, etc) up to the attic because I didn't have room for them yet but didn't want to get rid of them), and 9 months later, I came home from school and my room was an office, lol. It's the natural progression of things. It didn't cross my mind to get upset; it was her house and I didn't want to live there either; I had my own life in another state at that time (age 20). However, I not only always felt welcome (after our very rough time from 18-19, from almost 20 on, I have always felt very welcome), I also knew mom needed me and wanted me around. I wasn't homeless or orphaned just because my room was changed, and I never felt that way.

If your daughter was 18 I'd feel for her a little bit, but at 23, um......NO.

She doesn't know 1 friend of hers that doesn't have their own room at their parents? Perhaps all those parents are still in the bigger house they grew up in and they just haven't moved so they haven't changed anything? She has her own apartment, and KUDOS to her for that, that's great. But that means that she is a welcome and loved guest in your home once a week, not a child who's still living with you. And it's not like you changed a room that she grew up in. You moved when she went to college, to a different house. With a different floor plan. Downsized. That's the natural progression of things unless mom and dad stay in the same house for 200 years. (Our children are 5 and 2, but we already know we will be downsizing when the youngest goes to college. An older couple does not NEED 5 rooms/4 baths to clean. Downsizing makes sense on a lot of levels.

ETA: It's your house, decorate it how you like, but I wouldn't see a problem with just a couple things to make her feel "at home" (I change the pictures out on the dresser in the guest room depending on who's coming in, lol.....photos of dad's family and a pic of the 2 of us when I was a kid when he comes to town, photos of mom and I when I was a kid and group photos of her side of the family when she comes, and next week my brother is coming and I've already switched the pictures to be their latest family photo and a couple of their kids piled on the couch with my kids.....hilarious pictures of my friends and I when we were "young" when they come to visit). They're all already framed, it's just a matter of what I pull out and set on the dresser....and I switch books around to peoples' particular interests in case they want to grab a book off the nightstand to read before bed, stock the house with a couple things I know they like to eat, choose flowers according to what they like, that kind of thing for guests.....so I guess while not making things permanent so that it's always that way (letting her decorate walls, bedding, etc) letting her know you still know her and think of her is good. Maybe she's just having a little difficulty taking that next step.

Oh my. No. No room for her. She has her own place, she doesn't need a specific room in your house. I would tell her that at 23 she needs to stop comparing her situation to that of her friends in order to justify her requests.

OK I understand all the answers. Own apartment etc etc/ Yes she is 23.
That being said sometimes it is just comforting, even at 23, about being home with Mom and Dad. There is a little girl in all of us. I say let her keep
a few sentimental things in the guest room. When I am sleeping in a guest
room, I really do not care if it is decorated as a nursery or a geriactic room.
Just is irrelevant to me.

I'm all for making sure kids can still come home whenever they want etc but she's 23 with her own place and you don't have the extra bedrooms. My parents did so they kept my room as my room for a really long time but I'd have understood if they couldn't. And I was a major homebody who loved to go to my parents' house until they finally sold it. Can you give her a chest or something in the room for her stuff? There's probably some room for that. And then I think telling her she's always welcome and she can have that bit of space in the room is not being cold. Do you have guests often? Maybe depending on the answer to that you can reach a compromise. If you rarely have guests, so long as the room doesn't look like a teenager's anymore, it'll probably satisfy you too to have it done nicely but with some of her stuff. And be flattered she likes to come home so much. ;)

When I left for college - the following week end my mom turned my room into her office. She knew I was not comming back home.

I am struggling with that one right now. My son is in high school and will be going away to college. We have our younger son and daughter sharing a room. (4 and 5 yrs old) Would very much like to split them up when the time comes, but don't want him to be felt he doesn't have a place at mom and dad's house.
Interested in seeing the the answers.

There's no reason she needs to have a room in your home specifically for her. She has her own place, and it's unreasonable for her to expect you to "save" a room for her. I wasn't moved out 2 weeks before my room became my youngest sister's room (and no, she didn't live with my mom and stepdad; she lived with her mom). It's the natural course of life, and you can find other ways to stay connected to her.

The day my daughter left for her junior year in college and continued to remind me that she wasn't planning on coming home we started painting over the HOT PINK and LIME GREEN walls. We all wrote silly notes on the wall and said goodbye to the decor that she chose when she was in 7th grade. Now its a beautiful guest room with an antique bed and beige walls that is welcoming for her and others who come to visit. The first time she came home he was a little bent that it wasn't HER room anymore, but she got over it. Don't feel guilty. Celebrate your daughter's growth and independence AND the fact that she still sometimes feels like she wants to be your little girl, but stand your ground, it's YOUR house.

I suspect the issue isn't so much about whether or not she has a bedroom in your house as much she wants to know she always has a place to come home to. The fact that she spends one night a week in your home says she's not quite ready to cut the cord.

Becoming a self sufficient adult happens at different rates for different people. I wouldn't push the issue. Wait until she gets a boyfriend and stays the nights at his place instead.

My daughter is 22 and lives three hours away. Her stuff is still in her room. The furniture is different but she has a shelf there and her pictures, some of her clothes in the closet.

Sorry, got to give your daughter this one. It is not so much keeping a room in your house so much as not being kicked out.

Like this weekend she is coming in town, we have guests staying, she is staying with friends because she gets it is a guest room. The thing is it doesn't effect its ability to be a guest room just because it has some of her childhood stuff in it.

I would keep her pictures and stuffs in the room as long as they are not taking over valuable 'real estate' (things like pictures on the wall, her library books on the shelf, or a few items in the closet, etc.); I don't mind seeing her things and think of her time at home. However, these things should not hinder the new use of the room.

I think it's fine. She does have a place to stay and should be grateful for that! When I was 21, I was totally on my own. I've never stayed overnight at my dad's and my mom lived 3 hours away. I didn't drive up to stay with her until about a year had gone by. Your daughter is lucky!

Wow, so much "yours" and "mine" here. I'm with the bereaved mom above. Think about the feelings behind your daughter's request. She needs to feel connected to you, that she still has a safe place to land if she needs it, and that you haven't forgotten about her. She's 23 but she's still your little girl. I know we have a kick-out-of-the-nest culture but it isn't that way everywhere, and her feelings are not abnormal or wrong. You don't have to totally make the room into her bedroom to let her know she's still got a home base with you. Even a good talk with an acknowledgment of her feelings might do the trick. Beyond that, maybe she could help make some design changes or keep a few things in a secure place in "her" guest room.

My thought is "too bad that her friends' parents aren't treating their children as adults". I agree that letting her 'personalize' the room a bit is OK, as long as it isn't made "her" room totally. I can also understand how she may feel a little bit nostalgic for when she was still living at home. (Believe it or not, but even these many years later, I remember how it felt to be leaving the comfort of my childhood).
Our son went into the Army a year after graduating high school. After his four year 'hitch', he returned home and for several years lived back with us in his old room while he attended college and worked. The day that he was ready to move out on his own, I sat down with him and had a talk. I told him that up to that day, we had allowed him to continue in the role of a child in the home with his own room. But, I told him that as soon as he had all of his things out of that room, I was going to take it over for other purposes. I assured him that if circumstances required that he return home to spend any extended time ever again, he was always welcome to do so, but that from now on, his returns would be as an adult guest in our home. Our children know that should life throw them any curves requiring them to come home to stay for any length of time, our home is open to them. But they know that we respect them as adults and that we expect from them the same respect. We also know that if life throws us any curves for which we need help, we are welcome in any of their homes ... and in fact we had a situation a few years ago which led us to live with one of our children for almost two years. Once our children are grown, our relationship with them needs to become an adult to adult relationship that still continues to acknowledge our roles as parents and children. This isn't always an easy transition, but it is an important one.