Time Outs... - Belton,MO

I agree that she doesn't probably know what she is doing is "wrong" so I would just redirect her. If she keeps going, just remove what you can that is adding to the issue (lock it up, put it up, take it away) and give her a change of scene or an appropriate place for her to do what she is doing.

This is way too young to even consider giving time out. I used it from time to time, very sparingly, when they were 4 and up. And then it was more of just telling them to sit down for a little bit to settle down. There are so many things that aren't really as big a deal as we think they are. You are misunderstanding her behavior, she does not know the difference, although it can very much look like she does. Education as to child developmental phases is Key.

I'll be curious to see the answers to this, because my daughter is almost 14 months and I'm not sure I know the answer of when timeouts become effective. I know some people (including Love and Logic) advocate for timeouts really young (even under a year) but I know that most daycare centers don't/can't use them until at least after a child is two. It seems like one issue at this age is you would never be able to "keep" them in timeout, unless you put them in their crib. I personally am not a fan of the crib plan....took me way too long to get my daughter to be a good sleeper and like her crib, so I'm not going to mess that up! :)

I have only started using Time Out with my son, and he's four. And we try not to use it too often, but to reserve it for safety issues or repeat not-listening situations, where it's clear he needs a break to figure it out.

Before that, it was usually distraction and redirection or offering either/or choices I could live with. Sometimes, this meant getting buckled into a high chair or stroller because my little guy was doing dangerous things and I could not leave the area I was working in. For example, when he liked to climb on the table when I was making dinner, he had the choice of keeping his feet on the floor or sitting at the table with something to do, buckled in. If he ran toward the street while I was gardening, it was a clear "stay in the yard or you sit in the stroller". I let his actions guide my decision on what would help us best.

At fifteen months, I strongly suggest adjusting the environment (babyproof) to limit "no"s. Then, sometimes you can move your daughter along to a safe place to play, a safer activity. I would try not to do this in a manner of punishment, but a manner of teaching. You are teaching her which things are for her, which actions mean that she might be restrained or removed. For example, when little ones bite, I suggest telling them "no biting", setting them on the floor, and walking away for a minute or two. In that case, less attention = a better message.

Another idea is introducing appropriate toys for her to use. When she throws a truck, take the truck away and offer her a soft ball instead. "Here, you can throw this". (I once watched a parent tell a child several times not to throw a hard toy and then hand it back to him, and of course he threw it again. Do not give the first item back, just offer the substitute.)

So often, too, parents get upset, make a fuss, yell or talk and talk and talk. Less talk, simple phrases, and direct follow-through is more effective. Be sure, too, that the people around her are doing their part. If big brother is mad that sister is knocking down his activity, perhaps he can work at a table or in his room, or wait to use the floor when sister is napping.

And it may take a lot of repeated reinforcement before the child learns which things are allowed/not allowed.

Great question, J.!

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is great at explaining when time outs are and aren't effective and has other very effective principles. If you are calm, firm, effective and concise at this age, it will prevent many future headaches.

I have never used time outs with my son (he is 5-1/2). They never made sense to me. If you told me to sit in a chair and think about what I did wrong - I am pretty sure I would use the time to get madder and madder - not to reflect upon my motivation and learn - and I am an adult. At 15 months - I primarily tried to give my son words and redirected him to something he could/should do. So - he pulls hair, me ' hands are for hugging, not pulling, let's play with the blocks' . I tried to say yes a lot more than no (toddlers hear no all the time - I am sure it sounds like blah blah blah like in that Far Side cartoon with the dog and cat).

We have done 'time ins' . This means that if my son is very upset about something (whatever it is doesn't really matter - when they are hysterical the opportunity for rational thought and learning has passed) - we can sit together (hugging if he wishes) until he is calm enough to deal with whatever the issue was. I do not view it as a reward for getting upset. I see it as a way of reinforcing unconditional love, giving my son tools for dealing with frustration and anger and getting through the hysteria and on to the rest of the day way faster. That said, my son has never had a flailing on the floor tantrum. Hysteria about not getting something he wants generally lasts about 30-60 seconds.

You also do not need to use 'consequences' unless you choose to. Another mainstream idea that didn't make to much sense to me. Of course there are 'natural consequences' and your daughter will learn those - those are gravity and things that happen despite us.

We started my son with time-outs when he was 18 months old. We had just happened to be at a friend's house whose daughter is the same age as my son. I witnessed my friend's daughter get into trouble and she was put in time-out. The little girl calmly walked to her time-out spot, sat down and stayed there quietly until her time was up after a minute. I was utterly impressed and amazed. Her mom told me they had started with time-outs at around 15 months or so. I immediately started using this technique when my son needed a consequence for behavior. It is definitely worth starting. Just modify as needed, but be consistent. I basically gave my son one chance to redirect him to something more appropriate (and my daughter too when she reached about 18 months and started getting into mischief). If he continued to misbehave, then I designated a spot in my kitchen for the timeout spot and set the timer for 1 minute. (1 min per year of child's age). After a minute, I would say what the infraction was and tell him not to do it again. Then I would let him resume play or whatever we were doing prior to the timeout. Always using an empathetic tone. You will be surprised at how well they catch on. Sometimes we underestimate just how much our little ones are aware of what is going on around them! Good luck!
A.

I think I probably started using timeouts at around 18 months or so - very sparing at that point and only if he did something really wrong like biting. As he got older, I used them more and more, probably peaking at around 3.5 years old. I almost never use them now that my son is 5. Just the threat of one usually cures the bad behavior these days.

I totally followed the Supernanny technique - get down on eye level with your child, tell them in simple terms what they did wrong, put them in the timeout spot (1 minute per age), get back down on eye level, repeat what they did wrong, ask for an apology and then for a hug. Of course, at 18 months, getting a "sorry" is tough, but by 2 years they totally get it.

If my son came out of timeout too early, I put him back without saying anything. It's amazing - after the first time he stayed. For a while, he would scream throughout the timeout, but then I would just give him another timeout for screaming and that eventually cured THAT issue.

For me timeouts really worked. I think a lot of it comes down to following through and not caving in.

I started time outs at 1yrs and my kids may have not understood completely but they soon knew what they did was not okay.