Time Out Ideas for 19Mo Girl

Sending my daughter to her room for a time out and closing the door worked well for us because even if she has fun in her room and soon forgets she is even in a time out, it gives you time to do what you need to do, whether that is to cool down or get something done. I usually end up going and peeking in on her and she is in there playing away. And it is ok that she has forgotten. My attention was removed from her, and that is usually what my daughter's being naughty was after in the first place. I prefer that she is playing in there happily than crying, even if it doesn't feel like a punishment, it is effective in giving me my space for a while. Good luck, I hope this helps.

I agree with the previous post about T.O. being overused and losing its effectiveness. I'm lucky to have a couple of friends who are early childhood experts. One is a PhD psychologist whose practice centers on kids, the other has a masters in child development. Both are also moms to toddlers and preschoolers. They say T.O. should only be used to correct behavior that is either dangerous or aggressive. It should not be used for plain old frustrating kid behavior. In that case, you should still be using redirection.

How long are your TOs? I've read that they should be no longer than one minute per year of age. A 19mo should only get about 1.5 minutes in TO.

Also, my child development friend says never to confuse a command and a request when dealing with youngsters--you will only give mixed signals. For example, if your daughter needs a TO, you should TELL her she's taking a TO, rather than asking her if she needs one. That's offering her a choice in her discipline, and if someone is given a choice, they really should have the option of an alternative. In this case, the parent should be in the driver's seat. Choices are for things like "What pants do you want to wear today?" or "Would you like applesauce or peaches for dessert?"

I don't know if this helps at all. I found it interesting. Toddlers are so sharp, it's tough to outsmart them. Even subtle differences in your tactics can evidently make a difference.

Hi JJ,

I had to chuckle at first when I read your post...this is a very typical situation for parents with young children. Especially for those of us who experienced Time Out as a punishment ourselves as kids. I remember hating it. It sounds very much like you are trying hard to give your daughter a sense of structure in her world and to fairly discipline, and your little girl is having fun as you try out new techniques.This may be the root of your frustration with your little girl: she is playful and Time Out is a novel game to her, whereas, you are trying to make a point to her so that she will discontinue whatever she is doing that you find unacceptable.

When I first began working with children, I made the mistake of trying to "teach" toddlers and preschoolers that Time Out was indeed a "lesson"/punishment. Trying to drive this idea home to a very young person only succeeded in ending up making both of us miserable. Attempting to make a young child understand that "this isn't fun, you are in trouble" is a lost cause at this age, and rarely ends in the child understanding our purpose in making them sit. Or they hate sitting in time out and the full-on "wars" that we see on television shows like "Supernanny" occur. As parents, we tend to lose our cool after the umpteenth time of placing the child in the required spot. It can quickly become a lose/lose situation. The child is furious about the punishment and has learned nothing about how to curb the behavior the parent finds unacceptable, and the parent spends countless minutes engaged in a battle of wills with the child in an effort to show the kid 'who's in charge here'.

These are just a couple reasons I had to find better ways of changing behaviors that weren't acceptable to me.

I would agree with previous posters that asking your daughter if she "needs a time out" is probably not the most progressive way to go about things. First off, she can't logically comprehend this question. You are asking her if she thinks she's capable of changing her actions in order to avoid punishment. She may be smart, but young children just don't have the ability to process this question.

The second thing I've noticed with time out is that it is, as you've noticed, actually a distraction from learning the correct way of going about things. If, instead of moving on to the actions you are requesting, she's focusing on the time out, it's really not such a useful tool.

Because I have a toddler as well, I'd like to share a couple things I do with my son. He, too, thinks that Mama is all fun and games, and a big "no" just gets a laugh from him. Instead, we give him positive directions to redirect his actions.

For example, he LOVES to climb up on the kitchen table. This isn't something that we allow. So, when he climbs up onto the chair, he is given positive directions: "You may sit on the chair or stand on the floor." I don't mention what I don't want him to do, but rather what I do want him to do. He has a clear choice, without a lot of words. If he should go onto the table, I take him down to the floor and tell him, "you can stand on the floor."

If this happens a second time, I begin to redirect to a different area. "You can play here on the kitchen floor, or you can play such-and-such over there." Once again, these are two choices that are acceptable to me, and we are not discussing the undesired behavior.

The second thing I do is to adjust the environment to suit my needs, not his. I have an adjustable strap that goes around the chair legs (a big old high chair type strap) and fastens them together so that he can't pull the chairs out from the table to climb on them. This is great, because I'm not standing there redirecting, but can go about my cooking or dishes. Or I take him into the other room and close off the kitchen.

In other situations, I can put forbidden items out of reach, put away hard toys that are being thrown, or clean up the markers and have him help me wipe the floor clean where he's drawn, thrown food or spilled water. I like the idea of kids being taught how to make amends, and cleaning up messes is one way of doing that. Making amends also teaches children a valuable lesson in ethics and values--mistakes are rarely permanent, and can be addressed and corrected. This is very encouraging for our kids and prepares them for situations later in life, when doing the right thing becomes more of a moral dilemma.

I'm not saying that these scenarios are what you are dealing with, but suggesting that presenting acceptable choices, positively redirecting, adjusting the environment and assisting in correcting mistakes/messes can all become very effective tools in your parenting toolbox.

Young children *do* take a long time to learn our boundaries, but with repeated redirection and less attention for actions we would prefer them not to repeat, they do learn. Interestingly enough, Time Out gives children a terrific amount of attention,just in all the conversation around it and the physical enforcement of it--far more than any of the techniques I've suggested. I my opinion, Time Out can actually encourage some children to continue the actions we don't want them to continue.

I hope these suggestions encourage you to relax about time outs (so popular!, but so incredibly negatively focused!) and are effective with helping your daughter figure out how to move through her world. It's great that you want to help her have boundaries and provide some solid discipline. My best wishes to you!

Another book to suggest: "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" by Becky Bailey. She does not advocate using time outs at all, rather that they need connection at the times when they are acting out. I have had a lot of luck using this book, but it's very different than "mainstream" parenting advise and really focuses on changing yourself (the parent) to then better help your children.
Good luck.

I got some great advice from the author of Sit on Your Hands. It is not available for sale yet, but she talked about how her kids would happily sit in time our and play with their hands or goof off while still obeying and sitting in time out, and they just didn't get it. She started a new rule. Not only is talking prohibited while in time out, but the kids must sit on their hands. This made an immediate difference, and suddenly, the kids hated time outs. When sitting on their hands, it is more boring, but there is also a sense of loss of power.

Some of the responses were too long and I honestly didn't feel like reading them :) Short and sweet, keep the naughty spot for timeouts since she is familiar with it, but make her time longer than a minute. When you feel she's been in timeout long enough ask her to explain to you why she was in timeout. If she doesn't know why then, based on her behavior when you ask, either have her stay in timeout longer to think about why she is in timeout OR sincerely explain it to her. Timeouts are great, but there's different ways to carry them out. Figure out a system that gives you the best results and good luck!

I agree with Gigi, read Parenting with Love and Logic. Time-outs quickly became ineffective with my son, he just sat there smiling until I let him out, and he went to play like nothing happened. I started applying the book's principles of giving him small choices throughout the day to curtail bad or annoying behavior and give him some sense of control, and I almost never use time-out unless he is overwhelmed, hitting someone, etc. Obviously, a 2 year old can't decide everything for himself all day, so I learned to be very creative in my options, making both of the choices appealing to me, but knowing he would choose the one I really wanted. The book has helped a ton, and my son is a lot more cooperative and happy.

I think you are learning that time out can be grossly overused. I personally would only use a time out if the child or another person was in physical danger, or if the child was so angry he/she needed space.
So, she is 19 months old. Do you really think that a 19 month old is developmentally ready to analyze and think about what she has done wrong? She is developmentally ready to read patterns and adhere to them. ie-your example of her figuring you out
I encourage you to ask yourself what you or her are really getting out of the time out experience. Can the time out be replaced by a gentle reminder or simple redirection? At 19 months, what is developmentally appropriate is that you will have to teach a concept or rule at least 16 times before the child will be able to absorb and apply the information. Good luck!

RESPONSE TO "SO WHAT HAPPENED?"-

You are the one who said the timeouts were not working. We are only giving you what works for us in our lives.

Just because a child is physically able to walk does not indicate they are developmentally ready to analyze their own behavior.

I have a toddler, and I am in school for my degree in Early Childhood Education. I work at a Child Development Center in the toddler room. I know what I am talking about. I have invested a great amount of time and money into learning about positive guidance strategies and child development. Redirection works, is kind, and is appropriate for teaching children this age. I use it in my personal life and at the Center, and it works. It works because it teaches the child what behaviors are acceptable in place of the bad behaviors.

redirection example-

Child starts to climb onto table.
Parent/teacher takes child down from table and says, "It is not safe to climb the table, but you can climb the couch.", while guiding child to couch.

This example recognizes that children need to climb things at this age, and needs to learn appropriate ways to do it. The parent verbally tells this child what to do, and gives her physical guidance on where to do it. This example am supports the child's physical needs.

time out example-

Child claims table.
Parent puts child into time out and tells them they are being bad.
Parent has struggle with child to stay in timeout.

The only thing time out teaches is that children are bad. Time out does not support children's natural development.

If you say that your child is advanced, why would she not be able to learn from redirection?

Below is my post for another mom about hitting. I hope it helps.

I just finished a toddler guidance course this semester, and I teach in a toddler class at a Child Development Center. I am also majoring in Early Childhood Education.

When he touches inappropriately, say very firmly, "STOP (whatever the behavior is), that hurts". Take his hand and put it softly on your arm and tell him, "Give gentle touches."

Teach him gentle touches when you are playing with him at other times. Put his hand on your face and show him how to give gentle touches. Show him how to give his toys gentle touches. Play with him and his playmates, and show him how to give his friends gentle touches. Keep teaching him. And keep teaching him. And teach him again. Teach him every day until he learns. If he forgets, teach him again. If he forgets again, TEACH HIM AGAIN!

He is not a bully, he just hasn't fully learned gentle touches yet. He is only 26 months old, he does not deserve to be spanked, "bullied" in return or put in time out for being slow to learn concepts and appropriate behavior.

I agree with Laura U about consistency in any practice. I do not agree that it should be regarding discipline, I believe we should be consistent with our GUIDANCE:)

Good luck!

At this age, time outs are not so much a punishment as it is just what it says - a time away from whatever it is that is causing the disruptive behavior. A mini coffee break, so to speak. Toddlers can get so overwhemled with stimulation, new emotions, and newly found skills that they often just need a short break, rather than punishment. You should be proud of your daughter that she is learning when she needs a minute or two to cool down. Many adults could learn from this, too!

JJ - Time outs work just fine for 19 month olds. Just make sure you are doing them correctly.
Daughter hits someone.
"Oh no, we do not hit our friends. You will sit in time out for two minutes."
"Thank you for sitting in time out. You went there because you hit and we do not hit in this family. I love you, but I do not like hitting. Can you go and apologize to your friend?" Make sure she apologizes, be it a "sorry" or a hug or kiss.
Your daughter is not stupid. She will understand a time out, even if you have to repeat yourself a few times. We, as parents, can not underestimate our children. If you feel like she may need a break from everyone, she is seeming overwhelmed, then yes, a distraction may work. But, if she is being naughty, time out!
I started my kids and the girl I nanny on time outs at a young age (1) and they ALL get it and got it right quick. Make sure time out is a boring spot, nothing to look at or play with, and she will behave
Good Luck, L.
Just an ad-on, anyone that has told you "terrible two's" is lying, it's the terrible three's! So, get her to understand the rules now so that when she does hit 3 you already have a pattern of discipline!

One time out that she can't control is you. When she is doing something that she shouldn't (I am thinking screaming) remove yourself from the room. I did this with my daughter--and she was a screamer let me tell you.

Taking toys away works well at that age and doing it with calm and control is important. Putting her in a corner or a time out place for a minute is appropriate. Don't expect her to stay any longer. If she repeats the behavior keep putting her back or remove her to a different room.

I know what it is like to have a strong willed 18 month old girl. I had one. You think it will never, ever end. It will, but first you have to get through it. She will grow into the most wonderful strong and beautiful soul if you can manage these years. And it is important to manage these years.

As she gets older the time outs will get longer and will have more impact on her. She will get madder at you about them. And the temper tantrums will come more often. That is to be expected. Just hold on with calm and control and maintain your rules about what she can and cannot do.

W.

Hi there,
I love some of the ideas Hazel suggested :). I have a 18 months old and hear you :). I also started giving choices on where it is allowed for to do what he wants to do vs. just saying no. He responds to it sometimes well. If I have to repeat myself 3 times and he is about to or already is throwing a tantrum I use a time out. But I just carry in the middle of the hallway, sit him down facing away from me, tell him no and very simply what he's done wrong and walk away. I don't make him sit there. He usually gets up right away, crying and comes to me. He usually wants to pet my face as for "gentle" and this has become his apology. I think it's because I started doing this when he started hitting other kids, which he does rarely now, but remembers the "gently" when I'd pet his face as I was explaining how he has to be gentle.
This really works for us. He is usually done with the tantrum in no time, listens to me what I have to say or is gentle to the things he was throwing or whatever the problem was. And it works even in the mall. I had to use it only once, and I didn't have to walk away, just turned partially away from him and it had the same effect. I think just removing him from the place where ever he got frustrated or naughty is enough to get him thinking. I know he understands a lot. Although there are times I have to do it 2-3 times in a row and I think that's fine. He is getting the message what's allowed or not.
If he makes a mess I have him help me clean up and he loves that :). I think kids in this age love to engage in what we do so then even a clean up time is a fun time.
I also still use redirection, mainly when I know he is doing something wrong because he wants my attention. I don't think I can really get upset at him for that...but I am stubborn too and we all have our little fights :). Sometimes I really just want to finish cooking dinner first... :)
Good luck

Parenting with Love & Logic book, by Drs. Kline & Fay.
Libraries have them. Churches or community centers have classes on it. Works miracles!