Three Year Old Control Freak!!

It sounds like you are doing a great job. I have come to realize (with my 9 year old control freak) that sometimes the phase just has to pass. I truly believe it would have been worse for longer if I had not done what you are doing; being firm and consistent. However, I look back on it(she is now much, much better) like it's almost a handicap- you just have to avoid certain events or situations for a while to avoid the tantrums(don't let him know this because he will feel more powerful). Also- realize that as long as you are being firm and consistent, that some kids are just very, very difficult to deal with and it's not always the fault of the parents. You can only continue doing what you are doing. If it helps, this has made me a stronger person and also more empathetic(I don't always automaticly blame the parent when I see a child misbehaving now).Hope this helps...

M.

You are doing the right thing.
However, make sure you put him somewhere that he does not enjoy.
Make sure that he stays there 3 minutes at least and knows why he was put there.
I think it is just a stage and glad that you are nipping it in the bud.

It's definitely a phase. Just don't feed into it and keep trying to apease him.

If he doesn't like the way you dress him, then let him dress himself. If someone else picks up the toys first, then he can't have it. If he drops his food or it breaks, don't let him have anything else until the next meal or snack. If you're done washing your hands, then let him know. I'm all done. Ask him if he needs help? Then turn off the light and leave.

My three and four year old boys can pull up their underwear and pants pretty darn fast when they want to. If they think I'm putting on their favorite movie, getting a snack, getting ready to go outside, or whatever, they get their little butts moving.

Put his little butt in timeout to calm down. Don't let others feed into his tantrums or give him the attention. There are better ways to get his own way.

Teach him to say please for the toy, snacks, etc. Tell him to "use his words" to express being upset or mad instead of throwing a tantrum, screaming, hitting, or whatever else he tries.

Give him alternatives to find new coping mechanisms with his emotions.

If he's taking to long or dawdling around to control the situation, then count him. Tell him he's got 3 counts to do "whatever". He's not done, then you put him in timeout, or leave the room, or he's on his own, etc. Give him a 1 count and tell him briefly what needs to be done. Only use short phrases, just a few words. Wait 5 seconds. Give him count 2. Wait 5 seconds. Give him count 3. If he's not moving by then to do whatever needs done within 5 seconds, then put him in timeout, take away a toy, say he's not watching his favorite movie, or whatever.

When he listens, tell him he's doing a great job, he's a good boy, thank you, some kind of praise. Eventually you should not have to count him upon every request. It works great with my four year old. However, my three year old tests me more often. It's just the maturity level and he's a bit more willful. He thinks he can wear me down when I'm tired or busy or frustrated. I have to make sure to stick to my guns all the time. I tell ya... as soon as I let up they both key into it. In just a few minutes they can figure out a weakness and have the whole house tore up, messy, every toy dumped, start fights, spill food, you name it. I guess that toddlers for you!

Good luck. All of us moms need it!

-S.
P.S. try reading a book called 1-2-3-Magic. It really helped me gain control... for the most part anyways! ;-)

Sounds familiar to me! My newly 3 year old has been pulling the same thing for the last few months. We finally figured out (at least in our case) that it was retaliation against our 1 year old. The 3yo has been very controlling and throws tantrums over the silliest things. For example: Her brother got into her car seat while we were loading the car. All h**l broke loose. She went crazy and we had to remove her from the car completely. She does a lot better if we go on an outing just the 2 of us. If I keep up with it then she is easier to deal with when her little brother is along. The other thing that we do is use castor oil every time she acts out at her brother. We limit this to the worst offenses. My pediatrician said that it wouldn't hurt her and it tastes so bad that it certainly makes her think about her actions. The naughty seat just upped the tantrums, the castor oil stopped them in their tracks. We even have a tiny bottle that we keep with us in the store and on the road in case she tries for meltdown. It sounds harsh but allowing her to injure her brother or herself has just been out of the question.

We also give her certain things that she alone gets to be in control of. We let her pick her own video to watch and what clothes she will wear that day. She also gets to choose snacks and other things throughout the day. That way she has a sense of control and we remind her that her brother doesn't get to do those things.

Also, we read the book "The Strong Willed Child" and "Making Kids Mind without Losing Yours". Great read!

I think your 3 year old sounds absolutely... NORMAL. Control and independence are developmental milestones and as frustrating as they can be, they are necessary. I must say that I get so frustrated with the advice to always see a specialist, or your kid must have some sort of labled disorder just because it's frustrating and inconvenient. I honestly think that what you describe is not anything out of the norm. Each child is different and him being your thrid he may feel "lost in the middle" somewhere and his tantrums and fight for control may be a little more pronounced than your first two. (Plus, we always do forget EXACTLY how bad it is/was, right? lol) I think you're doing a wonderful job and being consistent is basically the key that will get you both through this. Also maybe GIVE him more control in situations where you can. Let him pick his clothes, help you with cooking or housework, give him 2 or 3 choices of what he wants for meals or snacks. There are many things which he of course absolutely cannot control, but if you find that there is an opportunity throughout the day to let him have that choice and control the outcome of something, it will make him feel good. Good luck and keep us posted! :-)

I completely agree with Stacee's post! I have the exact same 3 year-old child and I'm so tired of people telling me she has sensory issues or some other type of disorder that needs to be diagnosed or needs immediate attention or therapy. She is WILLFUL and I'm sure if you think back over the 3 years, you will agree that your son has probably never been what others would call "easy-going." It's the parents that don't have a willful child that always assume it must mean something is wrong because their experience is so different. My daughter has always known exactly what she wants and it just means that I have to be clear, calm, and consistent 100% of the time. I have to constantly remind myself that I am the parent and I set the tone for what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and leave no room for her to find a loop-hole or try to wear me down or boss me around.

I also use the 1-2-3 method and it works really well along with taking away her favorite things when necessary. Time-outs have never worked for her although I still use them when I need to remove her from a situation or to calm herself down during a highly emotional tantrum phase.

Believe me, there are days when I just want to throw up my hands and say, "I give up." But, she's at her best when I keep control of the situation as well as my response to her actions. And I also tell myself that her willful and strong personality will someday make her a wonderful leader and she will do great things in this world. This personality trait is just hard to deal with at 3. And, if I can set clear and consistent boundaries now, it's not as if this will be a "problem" her whole life. There is nothing wrong with your son.....embrace your son's personality instead of feeling like you need to work against it. Believe me, it's made things much easier on me to relax, keep my wits about me and accept that this is who she is and I wouldn't want to change it anyway, just to have peace in my house all the time. I knew that being a parent would not always fit into a perfect little package and I'm okay with that.

All the best to you and your family!

- S.

hmmm, sounds like my son a few months ago. he did grow out of it!!!... and while he still likes things to be his way he's learned to be ok with other people making choices that are different from what he wants.

sorry, i SO understand, and it's really frustrating!

one thing we did that seemed to sink in after much repetition, was talk about how mommy gets to make choices for mommy (like how long mommy washes her hands) and you get to choose for yourself... but you don't get to choose for mommy. everyone makes their own choices, some choices are for you to make but sometimes you don't get a choice about something. that sort of thing clicked for him. he realized he wasn't the only one who wanted things done their way.

you might also try to talk to him (while he's calm, not during a tantrum) about how he can calm himself down when he's mad, without hurting anyone or throwing things.

give him lots of choices when you can, and lots of positive attention for good behavior.

good luck, i hope it doesn't last long!

oh one more thing-- my friend noticed her son freaks out a lot worse when he's hungry or tired, so you might try feeding snacks more often and see if that helps.

Yikes, seems like you have a hard one on your hands, so can't blame you for feeling crazy. But yes, the day will come, if you are firm, when he will get it...that you are the mom, and you are in conrol...that is, until they turn to teenagers....it does not stop!

The important thing will be for you to talk ahead to him and tell him of the consequences, and if he still goes through with them, make sure you follow through with the consequences. As far as consequences, you will be the best judge of what works for you. I had a friend who had her kids stand in the corner with the arms up and that did it for her. For me it was spanking, nothing scare the yibees out of my sons, as a belt. I'm sorry to say, but sometimes spanking is the only solution. Make sure you do it gently and he feels the consequence is directly related to his actions, meaning do it right after the action.

Don't give up, S., or you will have a brat for always! Remember you are the mom and you are to be in control! And DO take the time to give yourself a break, get out of the house and take a bath to aleviate your stress...I know that type of kids can consume and age you from inside out.

Lovingly from one mom (who's been there) to another.
A.

I have a degree in psychology, and honestly it sounds like your son has OCD. My sister has it as well. There's not much you can do. It's out of his hands as well. He can get therapy to help with the severity, but there's no 'cure'.

Aww....all I an say is that I know what you're going through. It can be extremely embarrassing and frustrating and a whole lot more. On top of everything, my 4 year old daughter needs to run, run, run all day long and bores VERY quickly.

I agree with Stacee and Heather G...they use the 123 strategy. I'm a SuperNanny fan and she uses a similar strategy. I believe it works because it lets the child know that mommy and daddy are in control yet they have their OWN decisions and choices to make that have consequences.

Anyway...you received many wonderful tips. All I have to add is: Read SuperNannys book. AND...stay calm, cool & collected and maintain consistency.

Kudos to all us parents!!!

It sounds maybe a little like "Asperger syndrome," sort of related to Autism.

I think you are doing the right thing by ignoring the tantrums! Hang in there; I can imagine how hard it is.

One thought I have is to try giving him yogurt and/or research "fermented vegetables." It sounds crazy, but some researchers have found a link between lack of the proper digestive bacteria and autism disorders.

Another thought I have is to pray WITH him (as well as for him.) Maybe you do this already? :) We find it helps the situation to have the kids apologize out loud (for screaming, throwing, etc.) & tell them they are forgiven out loud, too. Also, sometimes God will help me find a Scripture to help my kids, too Of course 3 years old is pretty young to understand a lot, but sometimes they understand more than we think! :)

Hope things get better!

Sincerely,
C.

Dear Mom,
You mentioned that your oldest has sensory processing disorder, what you discribe about this child sounds very much like sensory processing disorder. There are a whole range of potential diagnosees that these behaviors are typical. Without making a diagnosis I encourage you to read up on autism spectrum disorder. That is a umbrella term that covers a variety of disorders. D.

Rigidity of this kind is a red flag in developmental screens. He is not just imposing disfunctional rules upon himself, he is trying to impose them on other people too, which is, in and of itself, another red flag.

Contact a Developmental Pediatrician and get him an evaluation. Early intervention is far and away the most sucessful, and you do not want him to feel so miserable and out of control. Your pediatrican can make the referal, or contact the nearest children's hospital and make the appointment.

This appiontment will take a very long time, the waiting list may be months long, but if nothing improves in a few months, at least you will be on the right track to find out what is going on. It is as miserable for him to be so stuck on "order" as it is for you to try and live with a person whose need for routine is so imposible to meet.

M.

Does this child have any of the same signs as your oldest with the sensory issues? A behavior therapist told me to just ignore the child when they tantrum and when they are done then acknowledge his good behavior when he is over it and try to help him move on. I would suggest when he throws his food away that you don't give him another and he may stop doing it. I hope this helps. I know how frustrating it can be with 3 boys of my own all on the autism spectrum.

Perhaps you should read the book Indigo children.

That sounds just like my daughter! She is also the third child. All I can tell you is that it has been a long, hard road, but is getting a little smoother. She is 4 1/2 now, and sometimes we can go 3-4 now without a meltdown. Hang in there, it will get better. The alone timein the room was the only thing I could think of, too. Now we are to a point where I can sometimes stop a tantrum before it starts by asking her if she needs some alone time, and every now and again she will tell ME that she just needs a little alone time and go there herself before it gets to the fit point It's funny how she can play in her room alone happily for hours, but if I send her there for alone time, she hates it.

This sounds just like my 6yo son. He's been like this since he was about 2 1/2 or 3 but I was just told that he's very energetic & doesn't know what to do with all his energy. I really think its more then that though. good luck with your son & if you ever want to talk, I'm only an email away.

I highly recommend the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It helped me tremendously with my son 15 yrs ago when he was 6. We had blow ups over socks, waffles, unplanned events (surprises), etc. I highlighted almost the entire book - I thought the author had been living in my house with us! Once I knew how to deal with him, our house was much calmer, and as you can see, we survived. He'll celebrate his 21st birthday the end of this month - now it's other issues!

Good luck!

I think this one needs checked for a disorder too. He sounds OCD to me, but probably is something else. God bless you.

How much do you talk about APPROPRIATE & INAPPROPRIATE behavior??? Commend him when he is patient, acts appropriately, etc. Have you talked about WHY he freaks about a broken granola bar? Remind him that when he eats it, it's going to get broken up a WHOLE LOT MORE! TAke EVERY opportunity to remind him that the world and everything around it is NOT perfect......whether that is a tree, situation, etc, but you LEARN to adjust, and deal with it.

Kids are capable of understanding WAY more than most people think they are. I'm a former pre-school teacher -3 &4s. I talked to them about ALL kinds of things, including nutriton, cooking, dining out, etc. You'll be AMAZED at what they comprehend if you bring it down to their level. On top of that..at that age...kids are sponges.

Have a planned project that "doesn't go according to plan" and make something out of it. That could be a painting project....painting a flower pot or stepping stone, a splash or drips of paint get onto the stone that was "unplanned". Turn those drips or splashes into flowers, an umbrella, a duck, etc. LEARN TO MAKE SOMETHING FROM YOUR MISTAKES. THOSE ARE LIVE LESSONS!!!

Simply put, you're the parent and you need to take control of the situation so that you can have some sanity. It does sound like he is Obsessive Compulsive and you may need to speak with a child psychologist to best deal with this type of personality.

Since he is a "control freak", do not apologize for something not going his way. It will just validate to him that his way is the best way. Instead, give him choices when he begins to get upset about something.

For instance, if he starts to get upset about you not washing your hands long enough, tell him that you are done washing your hands and you can either help him pull his pants up or you can turn around and give him some privacy. If he tells you that he wants you to wash your hands longer, tell him that is not one of his options and reiterate what his options are. If he throws a fit anyways, then let him know that since he chose to throw a fit, which was not one of his options, you will leave the room now. Then do it and let him throw his fit until he is done. If it takes an hour to end, you must make him understand that you mean business. After doing it consistently, it should curb this negative behavior.

I know just how you feel! My daughter is about to turn three and has gotten very controlling! I didn't know it was like this at three as well as at two so it's been a bit of a surprise for me. The meltdowns are anything but fun. I know she's just trying to establish her independence and I try to give my daughter choices with as many things as I can. Sometimes, when there is a huge meltdown, I take her into a quiet room and hold her, talking softly to her. When she calms down I ask her why she is upset and talk with her. She always feels better after these little sessions and I usually have at least a bit of time before the next meltdown! I hope you find something that works for you! Good luck!

I read a book called the step way to raise a child or something similar since my 20 month old child has melt downs too sometimes. I got the book from a friend of mine who is a psychologist(sp). The one thing that I learned that was invaluable for my son was that I needed to give him more choices such as what did he want to wear that morning. Also I needed to let go of some of my control issues if your son dosn't want help dressing himself then let him take his time and do it if it takes an hour does it really matter in the long run? As far as him not wanting to eat fine it isn't going to hurt him to miss a meal he will learn really quick when he has to wait till lunch before he can eat since he didn't want his cereal. Same goes for his snack. If he throws himself on the floor in the bathroom since you will not stay in there with him let him have his tantrum when he is done he will come out. The whole ignoring the actions is the best, but make sure that is what you are doing. Don't pick him up to move him because that is giving him attention. I hope this has helped some.
Gob Bless.