Three-year Old Girl Likes Keeping up with the Joneses - San Francisco,CA

First, I would stop buying her things because she cries, you really are just enabling her to "keep up". If she is doing this in Kindergarten, you are going to be in big trouble when she hits Jr. High. My girls see things all of the time that other girls have, my almost 8 year old wants things like an ipod touch desperately...well, she's not getting it. Your daughter cries because she has learned that if she does cry bittterly (as you put it) she will get what she wants. You can keep giving her everything that she cries for, but you are creating a monster if you keep giving in every time she cries for something. You need to explain when she sees something that she needs to ask for that for her birthday or for Christmas. If the girl next door gets a new coat and your daughter already has one and wants what she has, you need to tell her to put it on her Christmas list. Once her list is done, if it's too long, you need to tell her that Santa will probably only bring x amount of the gifts and have her put them in order of the most important to her. That coat that she is crying for ...because she needs it sooo bad, probably won't even make it on her list. My neighbor has done this with her kids, especially her oldest who is a boy, she will say he wants it because so and so has it or better yet she just doesn't want to listen to the whining. Well, now he is let's just say, not a nice kid, talks back to his parents, mouths off, not nice to his siblings. He is in 5th grade now and still whines and I mean whines and cries, until he gets his own way, she can't stand to listen to him, so she gives in. Trust me he knows how to push her buttons and this is exactly what you can expect to happen. I can hear everything in the summer when the windows are open and to listen to a 5th grader whine and complain, even my daughters think that he is a big baby.

I wouldn't think that at only 3 yrs. old she's actually trying to "keep up with the Jones'" as much as recognizing things outside of herself and her home. Now, a crying fit has already proven to work and gets her what she wants, so that's why she does it when she wants something ~ She's being trained to. When she first begins behaving this way, try redirecting her attention to all the great things she already has and offer to go and play something with her immediately. Grandparents love to indulge their grandchildren, but maybe a gentle explaination that you value their time with her and the great memories she will make with them as well... over the things they might buy for her that will eventually break, be outgrown or become uninteresting to her. Encourage them to invest their time to acheive your daughter's happiness and explain that you're concerned about the messages she's getting from the patterns of: see, want, cry, get. Remind them (gently) that they have a lifetime of lessons and a great oppurtunity to teach your little girl lessons that she will take with her wherever her life leads. Unfortunately, this is true of any lesson, so help them to see beyond her fits and into the future they (and you) are molding for her.

Your daughter is pretty typical. All kids want what the other kid has. What you need to teach your daughter is that we don't always get what we want, we don't need to have everything that everyone else has and how to handle disappointment. If you (or your parents) continue to give in to her, you will sooooo regret it when she's older and the things she feels like she has to have cost much more than the things she is wanting today. Also, she won't be able to handle disappointment which will be a real problem. Point out to your parents that these are the things you are trying to teach her and ask them to keep that in mind when they are trying to resist her tears. Good luck!

let her cry. yes, it's hard. tell grandparents to leave it to you. when she's calmed down talk to her. tell her what to be grateful for. tell her about how it's cool to be different. tell her that if you bought her everything she wanted nothing would ever be "special." tell her it's not her birthday or xmas/channukah/kwanzaa and that's the only time she should get gifts.

good luck mama!