Three-year-olds and Private Parts--need Some Perspective and Guidance (Please!)

A four year old said she "feels guilty and dirty"??? I highly doubt that.

I have worked in preschools, and if you are confident this is a good school with vigilant teachers, and the kids are on the opposite sides of the room, it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that your son put his hand down the girl's pants. How would he possibly have the opportunity to be so physically intimate with her?

I think the parents of the girl are targeting your family, at worst, or grossly mistaken, at best. There are some weird parents out there. At one preschool I worked at, ages ago, the parents of one child accused me of putting needles in his eyes, for crying out loud. It was the strangest accusation ever. And the child and I got along just fine.

I don't think your son put his hand down her pants or touched her privates at all, if the school and its teachers are as good as you say they are. Therefore, your son should not have to continue to endure a barrage of questions about this.

Can your son be moved to another classroom? If this girl's parents continue to target you (because you are the only white people in the class), and you can't put your son in another class, you might have to switch schools.

I believe your son is innocent. He's only three, and shouldn't be subjected to continued interrogation.

Is it possible for them to be completely separated at all times, to protect your son? Completely change classes? Or is their another school.

Kids at that age playing doctor don't feel "guilty and dirty". Those are adult words. Either the parents are putting words in her mouth, or maybe it's NOT your son and something more is going on and it's not your son. If something IS going on elsewhere in the child's life involving someone she thinks she would get in trouble for telling, she's not going to be able to handle it since she's so young.

She's very precocious for a 4 year old in this regard. Little ones of that age generally don't say they felt 'guilty and dirty' without having been taught the meaning of those words and being told that they should feel that way. She may be being abused by someone older, not your 3 year old, and she's transferring to your son as children may do with a doll in therapy.

My suppositions don't help you though. I can say you need to lay off on the body talks, because if you keep bringing it up when he isn't asking, he is going to start to worry something is wrong. Unfortunately, you may need to remove your child from the school if the people involved can't get to the bottom of this and find the truth. If it turns out the girl is being hurt by someone, I hope that comes to light so she can be helped.

I think that the girl needs to be questioned (gently of course, she is very young) about some details of this. WHERE did this happen? WHEN did this happen? It almost feels like she either heard or saw something somewhere else (hopefully did not really experience this) and is now seeing what happens when she says your son did this. She may like the attention. I know I am drawing a lot of conclusions here, and I am not dismissing what the girl said, but there seem to be many questions unanswered. The teachers were aware of an issue, so they would be paying very close attention to both of them. I just would, again, have someone not in the classroom (a director or another teacher maybe) ask her where and when this happened.

OH- And I have to agree with Jill who said that it is odd for a 4 year old to say she felt dirty and guilty. Again, those words feel "fed" to her or like she heard it somewhere else.

when has your son had the opportunity to touch her? It sounds like there is adequate supervision in the school - 4 teachers for 20 kids - so groups of 5...

I've never been to or lived in China so I don't know how to factor in that your son is the only non-Chinese in the classroom.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to help you. I wish I could say the right words. It sounds like you have done a great job so far. It sounds like the school is doing their job.

I'm bothered by the girl. I wonder if someone is doing something to her and she is blaming your son. I don't know.

My thought was exactly what is expressed below- that something is happening to the little girl, but by someone else. Maybe the someone else is some trusted, so it is easier for her to blame your son. I would not be surprised if the fact that he is non-Chinese makes him easier to blame, and maybe even easier for the parents to blame.
I have a three year old, and I know that they are not the most accomplished liars. If my son did something like that and I questioned him about it, I can't imagine him responding as your son did with "misdirection" like an older child might. It sounds like your son and teachers are telling the truth. I agree that you may want to either video monitor the class or move classrooms or schools entirely. You need to protect your son from these allegations, it would be a terrible thing to follow him.

i think you are a great mama to be concerned about this, and especially empathetic toward the little girl and her parents.
but it honestly sounds, from what you've posted here, as if the lines of communication are wide-open between you and your son, as much as they can be with a 3 year old, and as if the teachers are aware and pro-active.
so while it's still an open question, i lean to the likelihood that there's something going on with the little girl, and maybe issues with the 'different' kid, rather than something your son is doing.
so while it's vital to remain vigilant, i think you should back off from your son lest he start to pick up on the vibe that there's something *wrong*. if the teachers are doing their jobs, and it sounds as if they are, keeping the kids separated and under watchful eyes should preclude any possibility of these incidents taking place.
not easy for you to keep the energy calm. it must be very distressing. but you really have done exactly what you should, and doing more will create problems that may well not exist. a difficult tightrope for sure.
i hope it resolves soon, mama. good luck!
khairete
S.

We went through something similar when my stepson was younger only on a much bigger scale. In the end it turned out that the little girl was being abused but it wasn't my stepson who was doing it.

Unfortunately this is he said/she said with small children. It's hard. If I were either set of parents, I would be frustrated and concerned. Is there a group he can be moved to where he has no contact with her? I'm wondering if she's pegging him for behavior from someone else. It might also be something to ask the teachers about - maybe instead of watching him like a hawk, they need to focus on her and see how she interacts with other kids for a while to interpret what she's saying in context. It sounds like the teachers don't think he's really done anything, but of course allegations must be investigated. It's a hard place when the kids are only 3.

You might also have a chat with his pediatrician to see if the doctor has any ideas or suggestions.

Please teach your child the CORRECT names of body parts in both Chinese and Mandarin. It will help to protect him.

Not to blame anyone ever, but those parents need to really look into why there daughter is saying this over and over. I am sure they are very upset but your son is three. Seems like more may be going on her little world.

Good luck to you.

I would have to agree that there may be some issue with the fact that your son is the only Non-Chinese in the class. Are there any cameras in the class? It sounds like you are doing all is right but the only thing at this point is you need to make sure your son in protected in this case, be kind to their daughter but don't let them make you double guess your son anymore without proof.

EDIT: I know that everyone is saying the words the little girl is using (guilty/dirty) are not normal for a child of this to use - keep in mind that there cultural differences also going on here.

Hugs. Seems to me that you are a very thoughtful and kind mother. I don't have experience with this, but wish you, your DS and the little girl all the best.

F. B.

My daughter is 3 years old. She would NEVER say that she felt guily or dirty about something. She wouldn't even know what that means.
Something is fishy about this whole thing. I would believe the teachers. If you have gone in to the classroom and watched them and they are saying nothing is happening then I find it hard to believe that he has done anything.
HOWEVER, kids this age are naturally curious. I remember coming outside when my son was playing with a neighbor boy. He was 5. They were both standing next to each other comparing penises. (my son is intact, the other boy was cut) It was fascinating to them, I guess. So the other mom and I just very calmly talked to our kids about private parts and not being in each others business. It sounds like you have talked A LOT about that.
Something seems to be happening to that little girl, but it doesn't sound like your son is the perpetrator.
L.

You say you would believe your child if they were the one accusing. Why don't you believe your child when he says he didn't do it? Especially when the teachers say nothing happened as well.
There are lots of reasons a child might falsely accuse. Being the only white child in a group of kids can make him an easy target. At this point, it is not about your child, it is about the accusing child. She has learned to get attention from this. Perhaps the first time she accused was after a lesson about not touching private parts and she tried to see what would happen. OR someone else is doing this to her and she doesn't know how else to tell except to put the blame on someone that cannot hurt her. But at this point it is not your son's fault. Protect him and then see how you can protect her.

I agree with the other responses that question her vocabulary. A 3 or 4 year old would not say "guilty and dirty". Sounds like something is going on at the girl's home. If you (and the teachers) really don't feel that this is happening, you need to stand up for your son. He's done nothing wrong.

I hate to say it but you should seriously consider moving him to another school. Whatever is going on (as others have pointed out) with the girl, should not hurt your son, but it very easily could.

At an absolute minimum ask for him to be moved to another room.

He's only three can you just pull him out of school altogether? Different child care arrangement? Make sure he does not get the impression its his fault, just move him.

I think this little girl is being abused by someone and has picked your child to blame it on. Ask the teachers if he can be shadowed by another adult until little girl makes this claim again. Then the teachers can adamantly say they were with your child at the time she claims this happened and he was doing xxx or xxx. They will know beyond any doubt that he is not doing this.

Do they have camera's in the classroom so parents can log in and watch their kids during the day? Ask them if they'll have someone check the video's to see what the little girl is doing all day. They can just focus on her and see if anyone is doing this to her in the classroom.