This Is Not What I Signed up For...

A little late but here's something my mom did when I was a kid. She would do a load of laundry and hide a dollar or a quarter or whatever in the laundry basket and the rule was that the kid that put the laundry away (and found the money) got to keep it. The result: My sister and I used to fight over who got to do the laundry! Get the kids to help that way, it worked with us!

~V

I remember my mom giving me a poster to put on the wall next to my rocking chair with my first son. I cannot remember it all, but part of it said,,"So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep, I am rocking my baby and babies don't keep". It put everything into perspective for me. I went on to have 2 more children but suddenly a super neat house and all that went with that were not so important. I brought my youngest to college 10 days ago. I would give my right arm to have her back in my arms rocking her. Please pay attention to today. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

hi...you are not doing anything wrong...having 4 kids is tough..I have 2 kids but experiencing what you are experiencing right now, mind you I have only 2 kids...sometimes Im thinking wow I havent hug my eldest son, Im so busy with my baby because he's so fussy all the time, have no time to teach my eldest with his homework when baby is awake...I also do chores when they are awake because I have to nap atleast once when they are asleep or else I couldnt catch up with their recharged energy =(...My son is independent, we always teach him to do on his own like brushing teeth, bathing, cleaning up his toys, taking care of his little brother etc etc because it s a tough world out there...they have to learn to be independent while they are still young...I also want to finish all my chores but I dont have much time playing with them...sometime in a week, I dont do unimportant chores, I just spend a day with them playing with them, telling stories...they grow up so fast, I want to cherish those moments..chores can wait =)

C.,

First off, I'm also a mother of four. I completely understand how you feel. Mine are almost 4 yrs to 11 1/2. Not that I do it all the time (hey, I'm a mom of 4!), but I started years ago to try to do my housework according to a schedule I'd read long before I had children. It goes like this...
Monday -- Organize Matter -- Clean bathrooms, change linens, dust & vacuum, sweep and mop kitchen floor. Monday is a killer, but when I do it, it really works!
Tuesday -- Separate Water from Dirt -- Laundry day.
Wednesday -- Light and Dark -- Do all 'paperwork'... pay bills, update checkbook, make shopping list, fill out school forms, etc. etc. (and catch up on a magazine article or book... my treat to me).
Thursday -- Organize the Garden -- Pull weeds, plant, water inside plants, etc. (Some weeks this is the day I clean out the refrigerator so I can know what fruits and veggies I need)
Friday -- Use the Beast of Burden (my car) -- Grocery Shopping, run errands, etc.
Saturday -- Family Day -- Do a bit of chores, but spend as much time with my family having fun.
Sunday -- Day of Rest -- Rest (I go to church for this) and relax (a Sunday nap!) and spend time with my family. This helps to build me up for starting over on Monday.

I try to keep my 'chores' to a limited amount of hours (before noon or close to it) each day. I enlist the children (they have weekly chores). I alternate the schedule to fit MY schedule (I usually do laundry on Monday now because the day is too full with school and other things, then do the cleaning chores as I can and finish up on Tuesday. I also usually do errands/shopping on Wednesday because Friday seems too busy at the stores.)

And finally, that poem "...Quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep" is a great reminder. My house needs to be clean enough for me, healthy enough for my family, and most of all, happy for all of us. Sometimes blowing bubbles IS more important than whether the dishes are done. And who's to say that a swim in the pool isn't enough of a bath for the day!!!!

Good luck!

N., wife and SAHM, 4 children, Los Osos

Hi honey, hang in there!

I raised 8 kids (all grown now), and I am an artist. Here are my best tips:

1. Get a housekeeper, even if its only once a month. This is not (I repeat, NOT) a luxury item, and it’s much cheaper than therapy. Trust me, you gotta have one or the other.
2. Get a big, lightweight wicker trunk for every room. In just a couple of minutes all the toys, papers, socks, etc., can get dumped in. You can hire the 8-year-old to periodically go through the box and put things away (putting their own stuff away first, and then getting paid for the other stuff.) (Wicker is safer than a wooden trunk in case the baby opens it, and the lid closes on little fingers.)
3. Your house is probably going to be messy until the youngest goes to school. That’s life. From the perspective of feeling like you are drowning in toys, that may seem like a long time, but from the perspective of a lifetime, it is a pretty small proportion. So give yourself a pat on the back for all the stuff you do get done, and worry less about the rest.
4. Figure out jobs for all the kids. This takes some time – here’s how I did it: Each time I found myself doing some chore that one of the kids was capable of, I jotted it down on a 3 x 5 card. There should be several “jobs” that would work for your 8- and 5-year-olds: folding laundry and putting it away, (at least the towels) , taking garbage out, emptying the dishwasher, picking up the toys and putting them in the wicker basket, bringing in the newspaper, etc. Even some food prep like grating cheese, and setting or clearing the table. After a month or so, I had quite a few items on my cards. We let our kids choose which jobs they wanted – they are more likely to do it when they get to choose: If there are 8 cards of possible jobs for the 5-year-old, let her choose 5 or 6 of them for the week. The following week she can change if she wants. Make a chart (just one, a blank one, and photocopy it for future weeks Let the kids fill in the names of the chores themselves). They get to check the jobs off on the list when they do them, (or add stars or stickers) and they get an allowance at the end of the week. Treat it like a game, and everyone has fun. I didn’t yell or cajole, just gentle reminders at the appropriate time. (Spoken, preferably, in “Parent Effectiveness Training language.) If they didn’t do all their jobs, I didn’t harass them, I just didn’t give them all their allowance – that’s natural consequences, and it’s a good thing for them to learn, anyway. and even if they only do half their chores, - well, that's more help than you got before! At the beginning of this process, it seems like it is hardly worth it to spend the time to teach them to do a chore that you can do in half the time – but this REALLY pays off in the long run. Plus it teaches them alot about running a household. And kids really like to feel the importance of participating , especially if mom has a good attitude about it. (one way to make it fun: put on cool music for 5 minutes, and see how much they can get done before the music stops!
5. I took all the china out of the hutch, boxed it up, and put art supplies in there, in labeled plastic shoe boxes (for non readers, you can “label” with a picture cut from the box the items came in.) Lower shelves had supplies the kids were allowed to use at any time, upper shelves had special supplies that needed adult supervision. Encourage art activities and returning supplies to the cabinet, and plan regular activities that you do together with them. (Preferably the day before the housekeeper comes!) Be sure to display their artwork, and not just on the fridge. We had a picture frame for each kid (one of those plastic box frames, easy to open) and changed their "display" artwork whenever they wanted, leaving the previous art stacked up in the frame. They sure were proud to show their friends!
6. You have to cook anyway, so select some recipes that the kids can help with. I have a photo of my 22-month-old daughter kneading bread dough, completely naked except for a diaper, and covered in flour. Was my kitchen a mess? You bet. But she doesn’t remember that. She just remembers having fun making bread with mama. She was scrambling eggs at age 7, and later, she became a chef. As a teen, she cooked about half the dinners every week (and she was a great cook- NOBODY missed a meal when she was cooking!) Use paper plates once a week, you can get the recycled kind if you worry about that.
7. The yelling isn’t about the kids as much as it is about your own expectations. The best thing I ever did was lower my expectations, especially about the appearance of the house. I just hung up a sign that said, “An immaculate home is the sign of a life misspent.” Those kids grew up pretty fast, and before you knew it, I had a very clean, very empty house. And now, neither they nor I remember much about the dust bunnies, but we all remember the fun times.

And a couple more tips: play soothing music (try Mozart Effect for Babies) to keep things calm, hire a teenager to come in once a month to play with the kids for an hour while you take a nice hot bath, and check out the book, "Sidetracked Home Executives."

Good luck, C.!

C. - I'm sure you don't need YET ANOTHER response (you have the most I've seen EVER!). I've been having these issues myself and am only a stay at home mom of 2 (a 5 year old and a 2 year old). I always try to seek some internet info and did find this site which has actually turned my 5 year old around this week. This is one link helping with responsibility around the house, etc. But - it has a bunch of topics (homework - getting out of bed - keeping their room clean) - take the time to look it over. It helped me and I hope it would help you too. http://www.terrificparenting.com/parenting-problems/lack-...

Good luck!
Heather

I haven't tried this yet, but a close friend implemented it with great success. It's called "Accountable Kids" and it's a reward system for basic chores.

http://accountablekids.com/

I'm just starting to look into it at her recommendation, and it looks like it could work. (She didn't buy their stuff, she made her own from their ideas, so if $$ is an issue it can still work).

The reward that her kids get is 30 minutes of "screen time" (computer, TV, games, etc.) The reward can be anything creative that your kids like, as long as it's consistent.

Good luck to both of us!

Hello Fellow Super Mom!

I also envisioned being the "fun Mom". But reality sets in and so does the dirty dishes!

Our team plan? Hope it works for you...

Laundry: after kids go to bed... hubby and I fold together as we discuss our day. If I have a chance to do it sooner, it goes on the bed for later...

Dishes: A community job... You eat, You can clean!!

Reading time: Start bed time 1 hour early... bath, read, bed... Again, a team effort.
Your 8 year old can read to the little ones too!

Art Projects: Select a project per season or holiday. Start a tradition! Per week is too much...

Start a garden and section it off for each child. They will learn to love nature and getting dirty is fun for kids! You will be surprised how many veggies they will eat after they pick their own harvest...

Toys: Pick-up toys 1/2 hour before dinnertime. No Exceptions! (give 8 & 5 year-old incentives to help little ones) Eventually, you can cook dinner while they pick up!

Nap time: You get to relax.. if anything else, prep a little for dinner and clean kitchen.
this is not your time to do the extras!

Cleaning: Do it in the morning by 10am. Otherwise, just leave it until kids go to bed.

Do it simple with less stress... Hubby can help with the mess too!

Best of luck to you, My home is picked up and cleaner than most homes. It's because I pace myself and do chores in the evening. The house is nice and fresh in the morning and its a great feeling!

Blessings,
Shell

If all else fails.... try to get a once a month maid service

oh I so understand you and feel your pain!! I have 3 beautiful kids (16yr girl, 2 yr boy and 4 mth old boy). Sometimes I dont know which way to go, or which kid to spend time with! I have a great BF who helps out alot, so that works for me. My 16 yr old helps out as well. We try to rotate chores and kids to be able to get things done and enjoy each child. They are all so needy in different ways, and of course, the mess in the house is crazy! When I come home, I try to get dinner done and clean while I cook, whatever is left my daughter cleans. Then I play with the boys, watch some nick jr, and try to go to bed as soon as they do. It is very challenging, but so rewarding at the same time. I tell my BF things are so hectic right now, but in a few years when they are grown we are not going to know what to do with ourselves and our time! We are going to be so used to the hectic life, that we are going to miss it. Sometimes having the most spic and span house is not always the best, cause there will always be time for cleaning. You will never be able to replace the time spent with the kids, the laughter they cause, the tears when they hurt, all the goods and bads of kids. My rule of thumb is, as long as my dishes are done before going to bed and the toys are at least out of the way so I dont break my neck, then we are in ok shape!! You can spend a lil extra time for really cleaning on the weekends.

Dont ever think you are doing wrong, you are doing the best job you can. And having those guilty feelings only means you are a loving, caring person, AKA "MOMMY"!!! =)

My mother-in-law shared with me, some very valuable knowledge which I am ever so thankful for...

"Your children will never remember a messy house, dirty dishes...what they will remember is the amount of time you take to play with them and be an active part of their child hood"...

Great tidbit for me, as with 3 young children and a lovely, caring, yet messy husband...well, it is always overwhelming to me and I feel more like a "hired hand" than a mom and wife many days, yet the fact that I am a SAHM...well, I now "stop and smell the roses more" and dance more with the kids, and just let the rest work it self out, as it always does somehow!

Hi C.,
I just now read your request and I have to say that you had me in tears, only because I have four children and feel exactly the same way! Mine are 16, 12, 9 and 2. I feel even more overwhelmed and guilty about the time I don't get with them because I am a working mom and really only get 2-3 hours a day with them in the evening and it's filled with cooking dinner, cleaning up, checking homework, bathtime... and I find we are always rushing them off to bed to get a good night's sleep. Even with my husband's help there never seems to be enough time and especially not enough/any one-on-one time or quality time. I want to thank you for putting your heart out there because I am planning on reading all of the responses given to you to maybe help me with my situation also. I never thought to ask the moms on Mamasource for help, I just thought that it is what it is and kept hoping that some day it would get better/easier. Good luck to both of us. We need to cherish these times because they grow up so fast! :-) Thanks, L.

I also have four - ages 3, 5, 7, 9. I totally understand your situation. I felt the same way when I was married to their dad... now that I'm doing it solo it's even crazier BUT I changed my priorities when I became a single mom and some of that may be of help to you. I basically just gave up... not in defeat but in the sense that I know I can't do it all. I would rather have kids who know that I'm available than have a perfect house. Now I try to keep my room relatively clean and the living room decent (it may be in desperate need of a vacuuming but it's always about 10 minutes away from presentable). Then I make sure the dishes are done and the kitchen floor is swept. The kids actually help with this. My 7 year old unloads the dishwasher and my 9 year old loads it. My 5 year old loves to vacuum so she will do the kitchen floor for me. What's left is a floor that needs to be mopped but at least there's not food enough to feed an army laying around on the floor. I wipe down the guest bathroom when it needs it - and sometimes not till it's long overdue. I rarely worry at all about the kids rooms. Probably once a week I have them "clean" which never means clean like I would like them to be but I'm not going to make a battle out of it. Once in a blue moon I dig in with a trash bag and get the rooms CLEAN - though I usually attack that when they aren't home so they don't protest about every item that goes in the trash.
Just do as much as you can do without feeling like you are sacrificing important connections with your kids. The best piece of advice I think I was ever given it to do "one big thing" a day. When life is crazy sometimes your one big thing is to shower and brush your teeth. When life is calmer it might be to scour your kitchen or bathroom... just do what you can. One last thought, you really never know how long you will have them - my 3 year old neice died in her sleep a week ago - make sure you prepare them for life but never loose sight of the fact that you really need to cherish every moment.
Hang in there - I'm sure you're doing a great job!

Sounds like my days recently. We all get over-tasked and stressed out. Sounds like you could use some help. Have you considered hiring someone to clean your house a few times a month? It could take a lot of stress off of your shoulders and might be worth the money.

Pick a day to do very little cleaning, pack the kids up in the car/van and go do something fun. The house can wait a day.

Also, having them doing age appropriate chores is just fine in my book. It teaches them how to take care of themselves. You don't want a young adult away from home for the 1st time and have no clue how to keep up their room or wash their clothes.

You aren't alone. I feel like you as well some days.

C.,

Your kids and you are going to be OK! I can appreciate the feeling! Being a parent is an impossible job...there is too much to do, too much responsibility, and never enough time, energy, or patience. To top it off, we are imperfect!

I think you already know the solution, and you will find balance in things again! As you know (4 x's) that having a baby around can distract you from everything. You are all going to be alright!

as far as housekeeping is concerned, check out the Fly Lady at www.flylady.net I find she keeps things in perspective when my own perspective is not working for me.

Good Luck and know you are not alone!

my hats off to you for laying in bed at night & REALIZING that you have not hugged/kissed/looked at one of your children...that tells me that you are an OUTSTANDING mom!!

something i learned from 'flylady' (not sure if its .com or .net) is the 15 min rule. get an egg timer, and once a day (preferably at night before bed) have everyone(INCLUDING HUBBY) clean up all of their own stuff from around the house & put it where it belongs. if one person is done before the 15 mins is up, they help another person (maybe a younger sibling, for your 8yr old). this has worked great for me! i have noticed that they clean up after themselves MORE during the day, so that they have LESS to do at night!

also, if you have it in your budget (and its worth it to check) - what about a housekeeper once or twice a month? or, you can also try out 'dream dinners', that can benefit you in a couple ways....first, it allows you a couple hours once a month to go somewhere w/out the kids & make a variety of good meals all at once (its actually equal to, if not less expensive than shopping at the grocery store). second, this can help you in your evening hours w/dinner time. you can just pop the dinner in the oven & take that 30 mins or so to play w/your kids - give them your undivided attention.

lastly...have you instilled a 'work before play' attitude w/the kids? i have done this w/my boy (my girl is only 5 months) and he knows that BEFORE he goes to play or we go together to do something fun, ONE THING needs to be done. ie;dishes, throw on a load of laundry while folding & putting away last nights laundry,clean the bathroom, etc. i also instilled in him that if we work TOGETHER, it will get done even FASTER, leaving us both time to 'play'. you'd be surprised at how willingly helpful they can be if you assign age appropriate chores. even your 3yr old can clean the mirrors in the bathroom while you scrub the toilet! i know, it doesnt sound glamorous in the least, but it is the reality that us moms live, isnt it?! haha

everyone tells you to take time for yourself, and this is true, though i would imagine VERY difficult in your situation..but even an hour of 'me' time can refresh you, dont you think? let your man know that you really need this in order to continue your demanding job that you love...after all, people in the 'REAL WORKING WORLD' (sarcastic) get an hr lunch break, dont they? you deserve it, too!

House cleaning is never finished and will still need to
be done long after your children have grown up and left home. As long as the place is above public health standards
don't let it take away a single opportunity to look at or listen to your four blessings from God. Children NEED hugs-
daily. Just because children live at home until they are
18 doesn't mean they are interested in hanging out with or
listening to their parents until they are 18. That interest takes a drop around age 12 - so if you have some life wisdom to teach your 8 year old, think of a way to say it as soon as the time is right. Try putting things into perspective by imagining what you want people to read on your tombstone in 80 years- "Beloved Mother" or "She kept a tidy House". Grandmother of 2 teenagers.

C.,

Welcome to being a mom. It sounds pretty easy now looking back on it all, But here's what I've learned.
1. What is dirty today will just be dirty again tomorrow.
(I'm talking about the dirty bathroom, the dusting, vacuuming, ect.) So it really don't matter if you skip it once in a while or put it of a day or 5.
2. Your house will never really be clean until your youngest is about 6 or 7, this is when they start to play in their rooms because they don't want you to see them play. That's when the toys finally leave the living area.
3. Take care of you (that's very important because no-one else will). Someone needs to feel up your bucket. example:
If you have a penny jar, and you constantly give out pennies for gum, doesn't the penny jar run out. Yes, unless someone feels it back up. Now, you being a mom, don't count on anyone feeling up your love bucket (heart) it will most likey be you, this is why I tell you to take time for you. To feel good about yourself again.
4. Don't let anyone tell you your not wonderwomen, anyone that can do 10 things at once, plus be a mom, cab driver, school teacher, chef, maid, laundry mat, doctor, Vet. & a gardner, plus keep a schedule for every member of the family is a wonderwomen. The End.
5. Find someone to go out with, or change kids for a few hours a week. Me and a friend of mine exchanged babies so that we could help in our other kids classes. It gave us a break from the baby and got us out of the house for a few hours, after that year we decided to do each 2 days a week this way we helped in the class one day each and the other was a day just for us to do anything we wanted. This was wonderful, shopping alone (ahhhhh), cleaning house when someone wasn't behind you making a mess, reading a book, your options are endless.
6. Don't feel bad that you are wanting to be away from your kids, this time away will make you love them more and be more patient and understanding with them. It releaves your stress and anxiety so that when your kids are telling you something you can actually listen and be interested.
7. Date night, Date night, Date night. Whether it's once a week or twice a month. Don't loss touch with your best friend. It doesn't have to be expensive, go for ice cream, a quick dinner at in-n-out, go for a walk, play a game in your room. Watch a movie together, make a picnic dinner or a desert and eat it in front of the fire place, where you can just talk. It's all about the one on one with him, it doesn't have to be hours just time to look into each others eyes with out being interupted. This is a great bucket feeler.
8. Your kids will only be little once, so think about what is important to you while they are little and make a time for them. Every early day do something fun, or every Friday, pick a time that works for you (remember the house will still be messy whether you clean it today or not).
9. You mentioned art, kids love finger paint, do this outside where you can spray it down with the hose, side walk chalk is great, then you can take pictures of it and make picture frames the next time. Shaveing cream on the kitchen table is a blast, or if you want try whip cream this way your baby can do it too, and you won't have to worry about them eating it. Sugar cookie play dough (make sugar cookies and make diffrent colors then let them make their own art with it when they are done cook it so they can eat it). Flower pots, decorate one time then plant something the next. Make memories now because tomorrow they'll be off to collage and you'll wonder why you thought the house being clean was so much more important.

Best wishes to you. I live in Corona/Norco area if you need a friend I could always use more. My kids are 17.5, 12.5 & 7.5. I love being a mother. I'm a total neat freak and really struggled with letting things go. But realized one day that my babies weren't going to wait for the house to be clean. When I finally had time they would be out of the house.

Dear C.,

I can relate.

I often feel guilty about not giving more of myself to my only child.

Now people have said to me that'"You have only one!" Maybe God only intends me to have one because that's all I can handle with our everyday problems. I have a disability but that's no excuse.

I want my son to have a better life than I had too.

He just finished kindergarten and is having his first summer vacation and all he wants to do when "he doesn't want to do it himself!" is "have fun when it was just the two of us."

You see, my husband used to work the nightshift which meant more income for the three of us (well, really four because he's paying child support to a daughter he has with a woman who won't let him see the daughter). So Jonathan and I were 24/7 companions. I'd take him to the zoo, grocery shopping, preschool that allowed the parents to be there with their kids...

So I ask moms I know how to enjoy now.

They respond...

These days are not going to last forever so treasure them.

Take pictures for you not them.

Make a schedule where you're going to give each child (including your husband's inner child) priority (even ten minutes) over everything even chores (there'll always be more).

Don't sweat the small stuff because it all really is small stuff.

Stop kicking yourself because were all in this together and we're doing the best you can.

List the things you have accomplished not the things you have not accomplished so you lift yourself up not put yourself down.

Spread the love because it's all we'll be remembered by.

I can tell you care and love your family and want the best for them. Don't forget to love yourself so you don't run out of love to give away.

Hope some of this helps. It sure helped me. My men or boys (depends on the moment) were driving me crazy this morning)

Sincerely,

M.

I had three and especially during the summer, I forgot about a lot of the housework, only washed the necessities (sheets can stay on the bed 2 weeks), and made sure that if the kids helped me in the morning by doing some clean up when the house was particulary horrid, we did something special like the park or pool in the afternoon. They grow up to fast and my mother use to tell me "a clean house is the sign of miss spent life." Your children definitely are your priority at this time in your life. Plan a trip to museum or the beach with them. Take a picnic to the park. Slow down on housework. Your relationship with them is far more important especially when small so you will have a good one when they get to be teens. Do only the jobs you think are absolutely necessary. They grow up way to fast! Enjoy the gifts God has given you.
H.

C.,
I think that there are many of us in your shoes. You have already started a change - realizing that you desire so much more with your kids.
I struggled for quite some time as well. Then I realized that dishes will always be there, but the kids wanting to have some time with me won't. Don't get me wrong - I don't allow disaster in our house and play only. I found a way to get both accomplished. My morning is dedicated to getting the kids fed with a healthy and warm breakfast then getting them to school on time. Once the two older guys are at school, I run any errand that needs immediate attention (since we are already locked and loaded into the car.) Once my errand is ran, I do a fun activity for the two younger guys (ie: park or play area, library or pool.) Once our activity is over I pick the other two up and feed everyone lunch. After lunch, kids all go down for a nap (or quiet time) and that's when my chores begin. I focus on one area of the house once a day. That way all of my house has been cleaned that week. What doesn't get done is then worked on when the kids go to bed that night. That way they don't feel like all I do is clean and I don't feel like I didn't get time with them.
I hope that helps you. I am sure you will have to tailor a schedule that works for you though.
Wishing you success.
P.

I know what you mean, I feel like this sometimes and I only have 2. My daughters preschool teacher told me just a few weeks ago, to just let it go. She said the kids do not care what the house will look like or if all the clothes are clean. Once I looked at it like that it helped a little bit. I don't worry so much what the house looks like in the middle of the day when it is just usand instead of expecting my daughter to help with picking everything up I have started to ask her to help which seems to work a lot better and if she doesn't want to help, then when she will ask for something later (to color or do puzzles, or a popcicle) I will either tell her no because she did not help to pick up earlier or I will tell her she can only have whatever she wants if she promises to pick up after herself. It is hard to tell her no but it does end up working later in the day. Another great tip that I have stumbled across to help things run a little smother, we bought a sweater organizer (the kind that hangs from the rod in the closet) and I pick all of my daughters clothed for the entire week on the day that I do her laundry. It saves time every morning from trying to decide what she will wear and it also saves a little bit of time for me because she will go in a pick out a outfit and bring it to me when she wants to go somewhere. It takes a little extra time on laundry day but save time every other day of the week.
Also I try to do things early in the morning while everyone else is still asleep, like starting the laundry, empty the dishwasher and then staring to refill it for the day. And my husband and I pick up the whole house after everyone has gone to sleep so the day will start out "fresh". I am not sure if these are options for you but I have found that they work great for us and I don't feel so stressed about the way the house looks. Maybe you can pick a activity to do with each of you children seperately to make you feel like you are taking the time for them. I hope this helps a little bit and just remember you are only one person, you can't do everything, but there will always be another day to do what you need to do. Good Luck!

You are not alone. I think every mother has or will feel overwelmed in her motherhood days. The good thing is you are such a loving mother noticing what you missed and the awesome qualities your children have. If you can afford a cleaning person to do the major cleaning weekly that would help very much and free up lot's of your time because with 4 kids you are already very busy with them. Also don't sweat the small stuff you will only have this time in your life to raise your kids and will have the rest of your life to clean your house. Make you kids responsible also have them clean with you and as soon as all the work is done then the rest of your day belongs to then. Also have them cook with you. I started just to spend time with each child.my 13 year old likes to cook us full meals ( last nights stuffed mexican chicken with rice was yummy)she asked on her own if she could start dinner and our 11 year old makes desserts and still helps me with dinners. I never force them it's one on one time with mom which me and my husband have always made a point to spend with each of our daughter(3). It can be as simple as a walk, the park or playing catch to going away for the weekend with one. So if they see there is a pay off for them and you take the time out for them they may be more willing to help. Trust me I still have my screaming fits and it's not perfect but I do stop to smell the roses more often. This morning I am off to see Mama Mia and lunch with my 3 girls. Sorry so long and trust me if you put in the time it will only get easier and better. Best of luck.

What about a special night life Friday pizza and movie night. You don't have to cook and you all sit down and watch a movie together. Maybe they get to stay up a little later too. Something fun for you guys that isn't work. Is it possible to hire some help to come in once a week? Maybe 4 hrs once a week just to do the deep cleaning like toilets, changing sheets, washing said sheets, cleaning the stove top, etc.

I'm the youngest of 4 kids and my Mom started make your own dinner night. It was my favorite as a kid. She could vito any choice but it saved her a night of cooking and cleaning afterwards and gave us more time. You could help the three yr old and obviously choose for your 1 yr old.

C.

I am late with the response seeing you have worked it all out. I just wanted to say, as you found out you were not alone. Becoming a mom is nothing like we thought, huh? No matter your expierence with children before hand you find once you have one of your own, the world, how you see it, you, your life, your marriage, everything changes. I too feel like because I am a stay at home mom I have no business asking or expecting my husband to do house work and I certainly had issues with hiring a cleaning lady. I did all the above though, I came to realize I am working too. I did not create this mess, dishes or laudry alone. This house is lived in by all in this family and it is everyone's job to maintain it, not just mine. As you said I had to let go of my pride too. I have since let the cleaning lady go but I have a great husband that helps and I don't have to ask anymore. My son is also willing so far to do his part too.

I wanted to add one more thing, try getting the DVD online called 1,2,3 Magic. It will help with the "shouting" I had that issue too. Short fuse due to too much stress and work. But that program helped us all out around here. It was recommended by a good friend and I am thankful I found it.

We all fall into this mind set it is going to be easy, I am not going to struggle I have it more on the ball than most. To be honest most of us do have it down, we just need to change it a bit here and there to accomidate lifes changes. A wise mom once told me..."the first step in being a good mother is the fact that all your short comings bother you enough to want to make a change. A good mother is one that cares enough about her children to better herself as a mother." She was right. We all do our very best, some days are better than others. The days do fly by...your idea to stop time a bit and look, listen and take it all in is a great idea. I will be sure to do it myself because I too fall into the trap of forgetting the more important things and that is spending time with my child, while hs is small. These are precious years. Best of luck to you and your family C..

C., one helpful thing I can suggest is to find a MOPS (mothers of pre-schoolers) group in your area. They are held at churches. At my church, our group meets twice a month. There is free child care - experienced ladies who do a craft with the children, who are in classes according to their age. You, as the mom, get 2 hours for you - a video or guest speaker on mothering, or marriage (our team mentor has 13 children ranging from 3 to 23), a time for discussion in a small group and a craft for you to do and take home. It helps us moms regroup and come out feeling refreshed! There are a lot of MOPS groups at various churches. Mine is at Lakeside Bible Chapel in Sterling Heights. (You can also check out the MOPS web-site at MOPS.org). Good luck, S.

First off, my hats off to you for raising 4 beautiful children. I only have two, so I can't imagine how you do it all.

Secondly, don't be so hard on yourself. Two things I have learned from having children are 1) My house will never be clean all at once. If I can get one room to be cleaned and stay clean for more than 15 minutes, I have accomplished something. and 2) patience (okay so I am still learning this one).

And if you doubt if you are doing the right thing with your kids...the "proof is in the pudding". You have 4 great kids...so you must be doing something right.

As Moms we are always worrying and feeling guilty for something. Everyday I feel just like you. I feel bad that my house isn't cleaned, the dishes aren't done, I yelled at my 3 yo, I didn't give out enough hugs, etc. But then when I see my 3 yo say please and thank you without being told to, or I see my 1 yo giving her brother hugs and see the two of them giggling and playing nicely, I know I am doing something right.

And then there are the days where I spend much of time asking God to help me with these two monsters :(.

Now for suggestions:

Can you come up with a cleaning/chore schedule for you and your kids? That way you know from 11-12noon on Tuesday you are cleaning the bathroom, but then from 2-4pm you and the kids will get to do something fun like play kickball in the backyard.

And don't forget to do something fun for yourself at least once a month, preferably once a week. My good friend and I go grocery shopping together once every other week. We combine doing something that we have to do (grocery shopping) and make it fun.

YOU are doing NOTHING wrong!! This is the life and rollercoaster we are on right now and the hardest job out there is being a mom! SO you need to slow down and just roll with it and set aside some time to organize your time! I was just like you until my mother in law (love her) gave me her advice -When hers were little and she stayed home with them -she said all she would do was CLEAN and she missed everything with her kids and she said wiping down the walls pulling out the fridge changing out curtains for seasons - NOW she says for WHAT? She told me this after she saw me in our playroom with my 2 boys and enjoying them ,and really prasied me for it-I know I only have 2 so its different but try to put the cleaning and laundry aside for you to enjoy the kids and play with them -I know its hard and overwhelming for sure but I try to fold laundry while I watch them play and talk to them or giving my oldest a coloring book to make me a picture while I fold - This stuff has to get done but at the same time its not going anywhere - I do BIG cleaning once a week usually Sunday morning's they watch a movie or cartoons and I buzz around I have found that keeping cleaning stuff in each bathroom helpsor a big bucket to carry around with everthing I need to clean- with that so sometimes I scrub the toilet while they are in the tub or brushing there teeth wipe down the counters and sterilze the sink while they are int he tub we have to be in the bathroom anyway- I clean them then they get playtime while I clean it- When they get out I spray down the tub and shower and put all the cleaning supplies closed up and back uder the sink- THere bathroom is done! I make a game out of vacumming with them they go on the couch and are on an island and stuck there waiting for the ship to rescue them and the vacuum is a shark so they cant go in the water (carpet) yet- so I have found ways to bring them into cleaning with me kind of - I swiffer the kitchen every morning while they have breakfast wipe down the counters at night after bedtime or if I am tierd in the AM when we wake up - I know its hard but take some time to enjoy them -you deserve it and they are not little forever its just alot with 4 for sure ,you sound like you are going to loose it soon so put aside your worries and have some fun with your kids so you all have nice memories do we think they will rememner a clean house or fun with mom?? sorry this is so long but I have struggled like I said and I just sat down and came up with a plan to fix it cause there memories of us are forever and I want them to be as happy and fun as possible and trust me there are day that I yell and it kills me but always say sorry and explain myself to teach them no bodys perfect but we try hard everyday- good luck and godbless your family !

Oh gosh! The demise of all mommies... I only have one 4 yr old girl, I can only imagine what it's like with 4 kids. But you have to do something different, it can't go on like this. I assume a paid housecleaner is out of the question. I think a little structure would do wonders. Give your older kids a job chart to avoid yelling and struggling to get them to help you. This has helped me a LOT. Reward them at the end of the week for how many stars they got, which also deals with the issue of buying toys. (Mine is simply a piece of construction paper and those metallic star stickers you can get packs of 200 at an office supply store.) And then for yourself, I think if you managed your time better you could make time for your kids and all those fun projects you don't get to. For starters, you need to draw the line at a time of day when you will NOT do anymore housework because it is your kids time. And you know the joke, "when all else fails, lower your standards" well, really, don't be so strict with yourself. Let the laundry go for one day so you can all go someplace fun. Make a job chart for yourself and earn yourself some free time. Do each chore once a week and let the kids do the easy stuff. Make sandwiches sometimes instead of cooking. Or pick up something to go. Pick one day where it is your kids project day. And talk to your husband about it. Maybe he will find a way to pay for a cleaning lady, or he can help you with some of the work, or at least give you a footrub to make you feel better. 4 Kids is an awful lot to deal with for anybody, and since you don't have any magical superpowers, it's only natural to feel totally overwhelmed. Most mommies of just one feel like they can't keep up. And don't forget that a one year old is a huge responsibility! No wonder you can't do everything. Babies demand your constant attention. You've got a lot going on. Kudos for not falling apart! Good Luck!

That is exactly what happens and will continue if u don't make a change. When I had my fourth with some medical conditions I found I couldn't keep up either. First I got a maid to help out 2x a month. It's something worth fitting into your budget and keeps you from going crazy. Have her do thngslike change all the bedding and wash and fold any,clean bathrooms,scrub kitchen and vacuum. YOU still have to do the wash,bathrooms and kitchen,vaccum in between. But I no longer do any dusting, or change beds and the day she comes is like a day off. The house is clean all at once. The kids have to pitch in the day before by picking up their stuff so it's not in her way. Then you and the kids leave the house for the day and have some fun. Also realize it's ok for the house not to be perfect. You'll always have housework but the kids are little for a short time. Every week pick days that you guys are going to do fun things(in the summer)like the beach, park, zoo,pool,movies etc. Get up do a few chores or not get and go. The other days do more house stuff but never all day long. Also what I do is cook dinner everynite except not on Fri or Sat. Those nites we pick up. Use coupons.If you have some friends with kids make playdates with them also. Get into a routine and it will flow better. Good luck and have some fun. Don't stress about the house so much. Get your husband on board with this also. That means weekends also aren't always about cleaning. Take 2 hours to do house work. Then go do things together. You won't reget it. D. G

Some simple tips that make a big difference...

1) teach your children to clean as they go.
a.When they wake up in the morning the first thing they should do is make their bed.
b. "Leave No Evidence Behind" Teach them to look at it like a detective. Use the words "leave no evidence behind" When they are done in the bathroom have some "wipes" ready either baby wipes for the younger ones or disinfecting wipes for the older ones. Everytime they use the restroom they should try to leave no trace of them being in there. If they splash water on the sink, they should towel it off after they are done with hand washing. If you have boys and they dribble when they pee they should wipe it up before they wash up. After getting ready in the morning make sure they put their toothbrushes, hairspray etc, away. etc. You can use this same principle when they have a snack or when they are playing toys. It's far easier to clean as you go then to try and tackle one huge mess.
2) Teach them responsibility with a job chart. If they complete thier tasks then give them a sticker or a poker chip. They can cash in their stickers or chips for extra outings or fun activities. Decide with them in advance what age appropriate rewards can be. For example, if you have 5 poker chips at the end of the day you can have 15 min extra of TV time or if you have earned all your chips during the week we can go bowling. That way there is no yelling or nagging. They will realize soon that if they want priveledges they have to contribute to the family responsibilities. Resist the urge to give in and do their jobs for them even if your house is a wreck. It may take a few weeks for them to get the idea and master the program.
3) Have them rinse and put dishes in the dishwasher that they use. Your job should be to keep it empty and running as needed.
4) Have them help fold their own laundry and put it away, as age appropriate. Even a two year old can take his/her own folded clothes and put them in the drawers if they are labeled with a picture.
5) Have your older kids help you set up craft projects while the younger ones are napping. Have them all ready to go with supplies needed in a paper sack. Then when the most stressful time of day comes (for me it's right when I'm trying to cook dinner and the kids get cranky because they are tired) get out the sacks and have the older kids help the younger do a craft at the kitchen table. You can supervise while making dinner. The older kids can have their own craft time while you or your hubby are bathing and getting younger ones ready for bed. Just figure out who can be close by or assist them with difficult tasks.
6) Plan outings with your kids at least once a week. You and them need a break from the day to day stuff. Give them something to look forward to and this will help motivate them. If you have a swimming trip planned on Wed. you can remind them how many poker chips they have to earn in order for you to go swimming.
7) Plan ahead as much as possible. If you can prepare meals for the week one day a week by setting aside ingredients needed or even preparing casseroles and freezing ahead of time that would help. Perhaps at night after the kids are in bed spend a little time (like 30 min) setting up lunches, laying out clothing, washing bottles etc.

Last but not least, relax a little. Have you ever heard anyone look back and say, "gee, I wish I would have vaccummed more? or I wish my bathrooms were cleaner?" NAH, they look back and say I wish I would have hugged my kids more or had more time as a family. Give yourself a break!!

Mom of four here. You know the answer, you know what you are doing wrong. I can tell by your question. STOP!!! Lighten up! Relax! Enjoy your kids!! You had four kids. If you wanted a clean house you should have opted for a hamster. :0) You have four wonderful, loving, smart kids. The change needs to happen within you, not within them. Change your mindset, lower your standards, and stop the insanity. When they are grown and gone, do you want your memories to be of all the chores you got done daily? How clean your house was? Nope. Do you want your kid's childhood memories to be of a screaming mom who felt getting chores done was more important than a happy family? You don't want that, I know you don't. I was where you are now. When #1 and 2 were small, I was nuts over getting chores done and keeping the house clean. I finally realized it was not a problem with my kids - it was MY problem. My mental issue. My compulsion. It wasn't easy, but I made the change. Sometimes, these days, I look around the house in wonder, remembering the old days when it was so much more clean and orderly. But that clean house came complete with a crazy woman. This house is much better - calmer, more relaxed, more kid-friendly. It is now a HOME. The home of a family of six. We LIVE in it. Why should it not look lived-in? If visitors think it is messy, who cares in the long run? What matters in the long run is the time you spend with your kids, the love you show them, the things you do together. You will have all the time in the world to keep a clean house when the kids are grown. Continue on this path and you will have nothing but regrets. Your 8 year old will be 13 before you blink your eyes. And if you think he/she is going to want to spend time with you then, you better think again. My oldest is 23 now. I know. Just stop. Just do it.

C.,

I have a 21 month old and a 4.5 year old (who has autism) and I work full time. My husband also works full time and works shifts. I feel like I'm pulled in a million different directions all the time (work, school & services for me 4 y.o., all the normal family stuff). I finally broke down and got a cleaning lady. She comes every other Saturday for 3 hours (and I usually do some cleaning before she shows up because I don't want her to know what pigs we really are!). No matter what else I'm doing, I spend those 3 hours playing with my kids. It is very worth the investment to me. I still end up doing a lot of cleaning myself but at least it frees me up somewhat. I've basically bought myself 3 free hours every other week. And I don't have to scrub my own tubs.

:-)T.

PLEASE go to FlyLady.net
Check her out, and be sure to find HouseFairy, too (there's a link at FlyLady).
I never had it together, but she has helped me TREMENDOUSLY.

Poor thing you sound exhausted! Well I don’t know if you even have time to read but if you do this web site is AMAZING!! www.flylady.net they break it down, and try to help you to not get overwhelmed. They have a lot of suggestions and other ladies testimonials to help give you encouragement. Well you seem to have gotten plenty of advice so I am just going to leave you with the site. Check it out I swear it changed my life I bet it could change yours too!

Peace~Love~Light
V.

It is so wonderful to hear another story that makes my family situation seem normal!
Someone I greatly respect once said to me,
"When your children are grown they won't look back and think of how tidy the house was all day, but they will remember the amount of time you gave to them"
I've never forgotten these words, and I strive to enjoy my children at some point every day!
I wouldn't say your doing anything wrong, but I would encourage you to put off the constant tiding, or forget about the dishes once in a while and just sit down with one, or all of your children and involve yourself in what "they" enjoy!
My kids LOVE board games and cards, we even get a little competitive to spice up the moment. Or just plop yourself down and watch one of their favorite movies with them.
It took me a little while to ignore the constant voice in the back of my head running down my "to-do" list, but at the end of the day I had built ever lasting memories, and kicked some 6 yr old butt at go fish!
Good luck~

I only have one, a almost 3 year old and i work full time as a teacher. We are spending the summer together and having a great time. I feel exactly like you do with just one and a full time job that often leaves me working at home too. I am dreading going back to work in sept. I feel like i cannot give her the attention she needs during the year and i feel so sad sometimes. I also have less patients for her too after working all day. My husband wants to have at least one more and i am barely surviving now. Everybody says they entertain each other and it is not as much more work, but i want to really be able to listen to them and take that extra time for my daughter to climb into her car seat instead of rushing her and having her crying i wanted to do it myself etc. If you get any good advice i'd love to her it. I also wanted to respond and say your not alone in that quest to have more hours in the day and be able to really be there for your kids.
Good luck
S.

C. You are a saint!!! You are an Angel!!! I have four kids 10,8,6,1 and praise God only one of them is still in diapers. you probably don't have that luxury!! Before you beat yourself into the ground just give yourself a break. What you're doing is incredibly difficult and you should be commended for being conscious enough to notice your short comings. That's a step in the right direction. second, get yourself to your closest MOPs (Moms of Preschoolers Google MOPS) group, register and go!!! They have child care! Crucial!!! You are giving and giving and giving you need someone to feed a little back into you. Fellowship with a group of women at MOPS who know and understand, eat great food and listen to speakers who can help you to figure out how to deal with the bickering, mess and loss of mental health :) Also, this too shall pass. It is only for a season that everyone is going to be sooooooooo dependent on you so bear down and push through it. You will survive this but be patient with yourself, let go of some of your strong holds, with four kids it's impossible to keep a room tidy for more than a hour. Let the dishes sit in the sink some times. Do your children love you? Do they want to snuggle with Momma? Then you're probably doing just fine. They are so closely spaced each younger sibling is just like another appendage to the one before. Just like an arm or a leg, they've always been there so I'm sure no one is conscious of missing out on love. Keep up the good work!

My advice would be to lower your standards of cleanliness. I know it's hard! But your kids won't remember 10 years down the road that the house was clean...but instead will remember the time you spend together. The time goes by SOOOOO fast and they are so precious! If you can, get a house cleaner...you can find some for as cheap as $60 a month...just to help out in the chores. Also, what works for me is my husband helps...we split up the chores. So, we get to take turns with our precious little ones.

You're doing awesome, congrats on having 4 children! WOW!

Good luck, I know it's hard!!!

I hear you! Thank you for being honest about the gap between what we want to do and reality. I feel like I am walking around being the only one who doesn't wear the title "mom" on their sleeve! I was feeling the same way with my twin boys (21 months)and I realized that I need to make sure that I sit down and play with them. I do get off-track and forget this, but I am hoping that if I remember to sit down and play with them first, they might give me a little time to clean up, cook a meal, use the restroom without them pounding on the door, etc.

I liked Michelle G.'s ideas and will try them myself! Thanks posting - you helped a lot of us!

P.

Hi, C.

Honey, you aren't doing anything wrong. You are living the life of a busy mommy of four. I have 3 myself and babysit on the side during the week. I know exactly what you are feeling. You feel as if you are failing and not doing justice to the little ones in your life. All we can hope for or expect of ourselves is to do our very best. Take a moment here and there when you can to look into your little ones' eyes, listen to their silly stories or jokes that take forever to get to the end of, and they will grow up knowing that you loved them and were there for them. Also, remember that you are only one person, and it's okay if there's a little dust build-up, or the laundry doesn't get done quite as quick as you'd like and that dishes pile up a bit. Housework can wait... children are children for only so long. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your children will feel that self-critical behavior more than they will feel like you weren't there... because when it comes down to it, you ARE there for them.....

Don't forget to rejoice in your own existence, and you'll see that your little ones are there rejoicing with you.

Best of luck,
L.

It sounds to me like you aren't doing anything "wrong"....you have 4 great kids.....but you are stressing too much on the small stuff.....so what if the laundrey doesn't get folded or the dishes put away......i raised three kids and have a full time job....but most importantly: my husband has been extremely helpful all these years....i don't think you mentioned whether your spouse helps out......maybe try doing chores with them, like everybody cleans the bathroom, or everybody folds the clothes...some of the best and most memorable conversations between myself and my kids have happened while we were cleaning the house together......and sock fights were a frequent occurance......just remember that they are young for an exremely short time, and before you know it, they'll be flying the coop......so stop being so hard on yourself and enjoy the short time that you have with your kids.......you sound like a great mom, and those of us who have kids know that your house can't ever be clean while there are kids in it.....specially boys.......just wait till they're teens........lol.....and if they don't want to stop what they're doing to help you out, have them do stuff BEFORE they start playing....straightening their room, picking up laundrey, take out the trash, whatever...and then they can be free the rest of the day, as long as they clean up their own messes.....oh,yeah...get some calgon bubble bath!!!!!!!

I have 3 kids, 4, 3, & 8 months. We have a "schedule" we go by at home. The kids are involved in every aspect. They help with the laundry, dishes, meals, vacuuming, anything that involves making our home run. My husband and I find that if we make things around her fun, they usually have no qualms about it. For instance, laundry time we take out all the clothes and separate them. Sometimes we do it by type of clothing, color, sizes, etc. We just make games up. Same for cleaning the bathroom and rooms. There is not a day that goes by that we are not together. They do the trash, pick up after themselves. Until we started this schedule, I was like you. Overwhelmed and missing quality time with my babies. We have been doing this for almost 2 years and we wouldn't change it. They kids are learning responsibility, teamwork and taking care of themselves. They each have their special time with both my husband and I everyday and here's the best part. All 3 of my kids take naps at the same time EVERYDAY! So for at least 1 1/2 hours I get time for myself. WHOOHOO. This is my time for myself. We limited their tv time to just 1 hour a day and created a "Learning Zone" in a spare area of the house. They play outside and have quiet time. This didn't happen overnight, it took at least 2 weeks to get it down. But it is worth it.

I have never felt like this is a "job", and honestly it shouldn't be considered one. Having kids is not a job. I know I am gong to get slack for this but choosing to have kids is a that, a choice. This is in no way directed to you. Just how I feel about what is going on in today's world. If you are not prepared, then get prepared. Take parenting classes, read books. Take care of babies, toddlers, older kids. It shouldn't be hard. You will have hard times, that's a given, but to consider it a job is wrong. I have never understood why people compared it to a job. You don't get paid, you don't get material benefits, no breaks, or lunch time. It's called life. We are no way perfect, we have our good days and yes we have our bad days. But I do not go to bed every night thinking, wow I did a good job today. I go to bed thinking I am so lucky to have a healthy and happy family and I am proud to be apart of it. There is never enough time in the day to spend WITH my family.

I wish you luck. You are not doing anything wrong. You just need to find what works for you and your family. Trial and Error. It will be hard, but you will get through it. Just believe that you can do it and you will. :)

C. W.
Wow! This is my first time responding since I'm brand new to mamasource. I feel drawn to try to help and advise you with this issue. It is very overwhelming to be a parent and try to do it all! I think that you should try a few things and see what works for you and your children. I know with my two it is better to make a list because than I am not standing over them demanding something gets done, instead I make it their responsibility with lots of praise (that gives them a feeling of maturity and indepenence). I started this first by saying I would like to spend more time with you all and I need your help and made a list of things that could easily done. Then I told them that if we are going somewhere the list had to be done right away before we left, if we are hanging out around the house they were welcome to do a little at a time and then do something they wanted for an hour or so as long as the list is done by say 4:00pm that day. Also, maybe try to look at this as one of your art projects or field trips, maybe making it fun and interesting even for you. You seem to have wonderful ideas and a creativeness about you, use that to your advantage.
This works for us! And it really gives them a feeling of accomplishment. I don't know what will work for you and I pray that you can get this resolved. My heart goes out to you!

H.

Hi C., I'm A.... a mother of 6 kids!!!!! and I understand how you feel. My kids are 15,12,10,8,4,3 and they sure keep me busy all day... besides my cooking, cleaning. I will tell you the one thing that keeps me from getting a nervous breakdown is my faith in the LORD!!! I take little breaks thru the day to say a little prayer... and I take time at night before bedtime to read the bible, and its really comforting to read it in the mornings for a couple of minutes and pray for guidance and wisdom, just know that the Lord Almighty is ready to hear from you!!!

Oh C.,
I so relate to you. I have raised my children while doing child daycare in my home and when my children were little I sometimes felt the same way you do after they are asleep. I wanted to wake them up and play and hug. I bought a little poem/picture at a decorating party and I don't know who wrote it but it made a huge impact on me. It goes like this: Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow... For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow... So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep... I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep! I learned to smile no matter what as I looked my children in the eyes. Years from now it won't matter to me who thinks what of me, except my children and husband. My friend also had us over for dinner one time and I noticed that there was a square of lasagne taken out of the dish prepared for us and commented that someone must have been hungary. She replied that it was her husband. I giggled and she smiled at me and told me that her family was more important than company, although she loved us and was glad that we came for dinner. I also learned to do as much cleaning, sewing, etc., after the kids were in bed as I could. I knew that this was only a season in my life and that it would be over all too soon, and so it is. My children are now 33 and 27, and have children of their own, and I cherish them. :) Your babies won't keep. Smile. It will help you not to have regrets at bedtime.
God bless you and your family,
V.

C., I'm late responding but wanted to be supportive. I love a lot of the suggestions! It does not sound to me that you are doing anything wrong, but are doing a lot right (your kids are well-behaved, compassionate, smart and loving--and they help out!). You have four children; I only had two and I sometimes felt the same way you do; that no matter how I tried I didn't give them enough of my time (I had to work full time). They are now grown men and we have the most wonderful relationships. They have both told me that I am their best friend! I find that so very reassuring, that I did indeed give them enough of myself. They have both been through some rough times but in the long run have turned out to be exactly what I had hoped (well-behaved, compassionate, smart and loving!). Be confident that you are doing a great job, and try to take some time for yourself. The only suggestion I might have is to not worry so much about housework. It sounds like you like to keep a neat home, and with four children the ages of yours, I'm sure that is a real challenge! As someone else said, your kids will remember the times you spent with them, not whether or not the house was messy. I'll bet a lot of moms out there would be envious of your great kids! Hang in there, and may God bless you!

Hi C....First, please don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job raising your kids. We live such action-packed, stressful, high expectation times with little time to stop and smell the roses. You just need to come to terms with the fact that something's gotta give. I might suggest that when you are feeling torn ask yourself a simple question...when your children grow up will they most fondly remember how clean the house was or the special times they shared with their mommy? Let that be your guide. I wish you all the best.

Here is a fun short story.

http://powerofmoms.com/articles/67/1/From-Princess-to-Que...

By the way, I am familiar with the place you are at.

The best advice I can give is to read The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute. Ask your husband to read it too. We have 5 children and this book was the leg up we needed to keep riding the horse of life as it has grown taller, so to speak.

Hello C.,
First of all, my heart goes out to you. I understand what you are going through. I am a mother of five, ages 23 down to 5. What is different about us is I had a little more time in between kids but when I hit four kids I started losing too. Before I share my little bit of knowledge born of experience I will recommend a book to you - A Joyful Mother of Children by Linda J. Eyre. I read it years ago and continue to glean the fruits of what I learned. It is a small book, so perfect for a busy person to read when possible.
As for my own experience, affection keeps me going and reminds me what I am doing it all for. Any chance I get during the day, every time a child passes my path, whether around the kitchen island or in the hallway, I give them a hug and or a kiss and love them. It's like taking multiple vacations every day! Over the years they just come to expect it and it feels so good! As for organizing chores and giving assignments I am confident that a loving, well-intentioned mother like you will find your way and again, I refer to the book for some practical advice. I want to encourage you to not give up on the dream of the kind of mother you want to be - it may have to be modified but the results are within reach - happy and fruitful relationships with wonderful little people who before you know it become wonderful big people. Much love, A.

You aren't doing anything wrong, you're doing everything you're suppose to do. There are many days that I wish I had a clone! One of my biggest hopes is that my kids will remember their childhood as a happy one but I fear they will remember all the other stuff. It's not easy and I feel like I'm always saying "I'll be there when I'm done with _________" and feel bad when I try to rush through a boardgame.
I may not have the answer but at least you know you're not alone. Let me know if you figure it all out! Good luck...

Hey C.

I have 3 children that are 18, 17 & 12. I didn't think they would grow up and then I looked at them and they are texting on their phones, have jobs, graduating high school and not needing me all the time.

I always refer back to my favorite poem. It is called "Babies Don't Keep."

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
for babies grow up we have learned through our sorrow.
So, quiet down cobwebs; dust go to sleep,
I am rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!!!!

This is the 5th verse of a poem wrote in the 1950's. It is actually called "A Poem for the 5th child." It is pretty amazing. I watch my kids and I am proud of them and I don't regret anything I have done with them. I have worked in their classrooms from K to 8th grade. I help out at their schools through FFA adventures and field trips. I try to be their for them if they need a hug or if they need to be scolded or just a pat on the back.
Just don't kick yourself because you have to do other things to take time away from them. And remember, babies don't keep. I am not saying spoil the baby, just give them a hug because sometimes the kids are not the only ones who need a hug. Mom's need to be appreciated too.

D.
Stay Home Mother of 3 (4 if you count their dad.) :-)

C.,

I have only two children (4 and 1) and I work full time and I feel the same way you do. You are not doing anything wrong. I too thought I would be able to a lot of fun things with my kids and find myself now yelling at my 4 year old a lot and struggling to keep up the house. But, I have found that if I make a list of only 2-3 things that I want to get done and spend the rest of the time with husband and children, I tend to be less stressed and enjoy myself at home more. My problem was that I saw all these things that needed to be done around the house (or re-done because my husband didn't do it the way I would have) that I couldn't relax and spend time with my kids because I hate to say it, but I felt like I was wasting time and should be cleaning up. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my children and I know it's not a waste of time to do so, I just thought that I should be multi-tasking. Anyway, I found that sticking to only getting a few things done on any given day gave me the satisfaction of having gotten something done AND spending time with my family. Try it, it works. I pray the best for you!

I would suggest doing chores at naptime. Also, I do chores in the same room that the kids are in. For example, at snacktime, I'll empty the dishwasher or vacuum the kitchen floor while they eat. If they're playing in the playroom, I'll fold laundry in the family room (that's right next to the playroom.) Another idea is, turn on a video, and do chores from the beginning to the end of that. If you're not done with the chore by then, so what? You could also make a chore chart (for yourself) and only do certain chores on certain days. I vacuum three times a week, clean bathrooms four times a week, etc... I hope these ideas help. :)

Hi, I only had three children and the last was much younger than the first two and we travel a lot and lived in different places, but I would think this might help.
Hard as it sounds, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Take the whole gang to the park, playground, mall,public swimming pool, anything. Plan outings, picnics, hiking, the zoo, the beach, mini golf,McDonalds. It will give you a break and tire them out.
Go to the library. There are story times for some of your kids as well books on where to take kids for outings. Hang out in the children's part of the library. Even a visit to the local shelter would be fun. Oh and also if you don't have a dog. Get one. Animals give undivided love when you forget. You take care of the dog and board it when you must. It is good for the kids. Even the short life and death cycle of pets is sad, but important.
Also look for movies that have daytime shows for parent with kids. It is a bit costly, but Kid Museum in Pasadena is great and you can join and get a discount. Again books at the library or book stores will give ideas on outings.
If you afford it, join a health club that provides baby sitting. You can work out or dance or swim.
Some Y's have this. Talk to them.
I used to collect coupons and spend a few hours at the super market letting the kids find the stuff. Be creative and get them out of the house. Don't be a "stay at home Mom." I never worked, but I certainly wasn't home all the time.
Good luck,
B.
Also I read a lot and always had a book open to distract me from the kids. Non fiction is easier to come back to than novels. Keep you own mind as a grown up. Just a thought...

mabey a little scheduling would help, i have 4 at home and i work a full time job.you dont ever want to regret anything!!
mabey, schedule work around kids,make chores fun,they get rewards, mabey if you clean your whole room you get to stay up 30 minutes later. and pick your battles not everything is worth fighting over , breathe.. big breath in ... hold it..
and let go ..now deal with the children. you think your the only one that thinks that at night, what about i didnt even get a hug from mommy today, why dous mommy not want to see my picture, trust me we all go to bed sometimes thinking mabey if i would have just done this differently, well dont just think it ...do it

Trying to find that balance for everything is hard. Just remember to stop and spend at least 15 minutes of refueling time with each child each day. That way, they know you have spent quality time with them daily and never feel neglected. Once you are able to find a routine with your chores, those 15 minutes will begin to stretch to what you can handle. Chores will always be there, those daily moments come only once in a lifetime. Avoid the words "I'm too busy, later, not now" Refueling time is great for you and them. Then, of course throw in a date night with hubby when you find the balance with the kids & house. Good luck.

I have four children also, 6, 4, 21 months and 4 months old. I feel the same way as you do. I keep thinking that if I get through this year it will be easier. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I think it is great that you are teaching your kids to help out. Negotiate with them that if they pick up their room, you will play a game with them, or if they take out the trash, you will throw the ball around. Also, you can just pick one day a week to do something special with your bunch. Take them somewhere away from the house so that you don't feel the pressure to "get things done". Good luck and remember that you are only human and doing the best you can.
P. R.

The only thing i see you are doing wrong is not taking the time to spend with your kids. I used to do all that just like you. I have four kids myself.
I finally made a schedule for myself and them. that way they new when it was mommy time and when it was clean up time
or homework time. they all loved having the schedule.
Your baby's are only going to be this age one time and although the house is a wreck and stuff goes undone sometimes, it is your home and you need to make it a happy one.
do an art project once a week. make sat clean up day, and every day while you cook dinner the kids pick up all the toys and collect the laundrey, and help with what ever else. Get a routine going. it will pay off for everyone.
Good luck. It is a hard job, i know this. But the most important thing is raising your children, loving them, molding them into great people that will do great in the world when they grow up.
My kids are 3, 11, 13, & 14 now and you should still see the way my house looks.. lived in by a wonderful loving family. it is not dirty but cluttered. cluttered with all the stuff i know i will miss one day.
God Bless
B.

I had your life for about a year, I tried to be super woman but keepong up with that many children can literally keep you moving all day and it can wind up depressing you. So now I break down my chores into managebale increments and only do house work in the first few hours of the day, after that I am with my children! My husband has at times grumbled but I ignore it and EVERYONE is happier, trust me.

LOWER YOUR STANDARDS!!!!!!!! It's the only way to survive with young children. So what if there are toys all over the floor all day, make picking them up part of the nighttime routine. The dirty dishes will wait -- go play with the kids. Stop vacuuming while your toddler shows you his latest project. The world will not come to an end because you didn't vacuum the house every day ( once a week became acceptable to me). Redefine clean, and quit driving yourself crazy -- this too shall pass! Enjoy each stage of your kids lives; they grow up soooooooooo quickly (my 'babies' are now 20 and 25, and my house finally stays pretty clean). Oh -- the kids should be expected to help around the house, so make chores age appropriate and at first, try to make a game out of housecleaning. Take a deep breath and before screaming at the kids, remind yourself of what your priorities really are, and give yourself permission to let the cleaning wait. Good luck.

check out Flylady.net. her babysteps will help you gain control of the chaos. don't be so hard on yourself. many of us have been there whether we admit it or not.

Hi C.,

I feel the same way. I have 3 boys 8, 6 1/2 &6 months, I sometimes think the very same thing its crazy it seem to go so fast. Sometimes you need to make each day for 1 chore. Like mondays laundry and tuesday for moping and bathrooms, things like that. That way you are not trying to do everthing everyday and never getting it all done. Then you open up more time for the pleasures in life. Sit down with you husband and make a list of important things to both of you, things that need to be done on a daily basis and then mark the most important ones and then go from there, and make sure cleaning the house dosent become more important than your kids or husband! the house work will always be there your kids wont they will grow up before you know it and have there own life and you will have missed it so that you have a clean floor or one less load of laundry to do.I am not saying become a slob just prioritize your chores. Its hard at first for husbands to understand but really it will make the whole family happier in the end. God gave you those kids as a gift dont overlook them. No one makes a bigger impact on them than a mom and dad. Good luck let me know how its goes if you choose to take my advise, I was in your boat just a while ago. Then some one gave me the same advise and well now I see my 8 year old son has the most beautiful eyes and my 6 year old, his smile could melt butter and well my baby, it just doesn't get any better than that.they are Toooo sweet to overlook any longer! Let me know how it goes, ____@____.com

Wow, I sometimes feel this way and I only have 1 14month old! My suggestion would be to maybe create a schedule and also not worry about your house being perfect. Perhaps you can set aside even just 15 mins to spend with each child alone or maybe an hour or two to do a project with all. If you plan to go on a "field trip" let them know either the day before or that morning of and that before you go they need to <insert chore here>. That way you're not worrying about a sink full of dishes while you're out or their dirty clothes strewn throughout their rooms. I don't know from personal mommy experience but this is how I remember my mom doing it and it seemed to work for us 3 kids.

C. - Know that you are not alone. And it seems that you are getting some great advice here. Just keep reminding yourself that each moment you have at any given time of the day and however long that moment, that moment is a memory and something to cherish. Yes, it is hard with four kids (I have three and can't imagine four!) but they are your blessings in life. I too worry constantly about dividing my time between the kids, myself, house work, work at the office and my husband. But just do as you can and don't guilt yourself into thinking that you are not doing enough. You sound like you are a very generous, caring and dedicated mother and that is what matters most. And always remember.......the house doesn't have to be perfect! Just maybe sometimes you need some space to walk through it without stepping on a toy or two! HEE HEE! This is my moto! Good luck. God bless!!!

It is exactly as it should be. You are attaching the meaning. My advice, decide what is more important, a clean and tidy house or a child who knows he has been loved today. You put the importance on things. You make it a reality. What is going in on your reality?

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have your hands full with four kids under age 8. Maybe when the 5 and 8 year olds are at school ,you can give more time to the 2 younger ones. Hopefully the 3 year old still take naps, so when the 2 little ones are napping, you can give some time to the 2 older ones. I know it's very hard to do fun or crafty things for your kids when you have several(I only had 3 under 7 years and then 2 others later) Things will get a little easier as time goes by. Make cleaning and chores a "fun" thing to do.You can make almost anything a game. Where's daddy? you don't mention him, but he needs to help some. Do you have a mommy friend that you could do things with jointly? I found it easier if another mom and her kids tagged along for some of the fun too. My kids behaved better when they had friends along. Or maybe you could exchange "babysitting times", so you can tackle housework with out all 4 kids underfoot. Be thankful your kids are as well behaved as they are, give them lots of hugs and love. They grow up too fast,enjoy them while they are young, even the messes they make. Mostly, don't be so hard on yourself. Gook luck.

Hi there!

One thing that is helping me stop and appreciate my three year old (who believe me, can be very challenging -- as sweet as she is) was to make a 'positive reward chart'. Every time she does something good (potty, using her happy voice instead of whining, using good table manners, being patient while I'm on the phone), she gets a sticker. Then, she can trade stickers in for things she wants as she fills out the chart.

I know that your older ones are getting past the sticker as a reward in itself -- but it does help them, and you, remember to both do their chores and helps you to see what they are doing right in the midst of all your frustration.

Good luck!

Wow what a response you have received from all these wonderful ladies and I'm not sure I could include anything that hasn't already been said...other than...YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I feel like that you do on a DAILY basis. I have six kids ages 2-8 years old. That's a lot of little kids in a house that is not all that big. It makes for a mess about 24/7. And lately, since school started, I find myself screaming all the time. I said to myself last night, gosh...I screamed all night. It's harder this year than last year. My youngest two little ones are the least helpful of all my kids, or even when my olders ones were their age so that makes it harder. Then I get it from my parents who make comments that my house is a mess....and from my mom "well I had three little girls and my house was always clean"... YEs, she had three girls all three years apart. A little different from me having 6 kids each one year apart in 4 of which are in sports. They dont' get it, and it's aggrivating.

Anyhow, I am usually the one that gives the advice...kids first, then house...but it's harder to practice than to preach. But I did sit down yesterday with my two little ones and played a few preschool games. It was nice to take the time, something that I had forgotten to do recently.

I'm afraid there will always be a constant battle with the mess in my house and perhaps yours. Laundry is my WORST problem. My husband helps out by washing it, then throwing it on my bedroom floor for me to put away. Do you know how hard it is to put laundry away for 8 people by yourself, all the while having two little ones basically messing it up as fast as your are folding it? Apparently my husband doesn't know either and also the reason why there is about 10 loads of clean laundry on my floor!

You are not alone, and I appreciate the fact that you posted this so to remind me what I need to be doing. And kudos to everyone and their great responses!

My mom always says she regrets that she didn't play with us kids. Its true that I don't remember my mom ever playing with us. I often wished she did. I think its a good idea to schedule in once a month a mommy date with one of your children. The child gets to choose the activity and you just spend time doing that activity alone. Its amazing what just once a month can do to build a good relationship. You can catch up quite a bit in an evening with quality time. Even if the whole house is a mess you still go. Family before housework.

C.- First let me commend you. Four children and nursing a baby. It sounds like you're doing alot right! You are only one person and I can only imagine that finding the balance in a day that can change at any moment must be challenging. Okay your kids are compassionate, loving, smart and help out!I hope that at sometime you will cut out a bit of time for you. It sounds like they are happy and thriving. Over the years many women had many children. How did they do it?! I have one which I had at almost 42.I, too sometimes feel like like I'm giving enough. I work p/t and get home at 8 2 days a week. I feel so guilty. At the same time, I wish I had another so my precious daughter could have a sibling. I grew up in a family of 4 kids but we were far spaced (the oldest is 14 yrs older than i am- the youngest). So i write this only to give support, not from experience. i think as the young ones get a little older it will smooth out. If some of the housework doesn't get done so you can do more mommy time the world will not end. I hope you are having a great day. Best, H.

hello,

why are you doing all the work if they have chores? do they have charts so that when they finish they can check it off or use a sticker? then after they earn a certain number of stars or checks they can earn a special activity. having 4 means good time management. the house cleaning is ALWAYS going to be there so take a couple of hours and get out of the house. heck even take the whole day with the kids. and if you have family or friends close by drop one with family for some special time and one with a friend and then have special time with just 2. usually only family will take 3 at a time. and dont forget some time for yourself. it is possible, but you have to plan. maybe a teacher planner would help. it is usually divided into different sections for the whole day. and the internet has many wonderful sites for age appropiate idea's and activities for children.

good luck.

Where is your husband? He can clean, do dishes, clean up....or he can hire you someone to do these things!!! Also, he can give you some me time! You need to take time for yourself even if its a quick walk! You sound like you are having a rough time and you need some TLC. let the little stuff go...your children won't remember the dirty floors or piles of laundry but they will remember that stuff was more important than them.

maybe have team meetings and do household things together- kids like to feel needed and their sense of self worth will strengthen when they have ownership in their home.
good luck. you are an awesome mom. get that dad doing some stuff! even if he works, so do you and you are a 24/7 job. DO NOT feel guilty for putting these mundane household chores on him. its his family too!

I can empathize with you, I have 3 and it is still like a mad house in our home. My only advice and it is what my mother did with my brother and me is to cut yourself some slack!! Here in our home is that the family comes first, so if the dishes stack up, they stack up for now. I let them know ahead of time what is expected of them. We have a chore chart and they get marbles in their jar if they complete their chores without whining!!! When their jar is full, we do something special together as a family. I also let them know ahead of time what I would like to do around the house for the day. And set aside an hour or so to do some picking up, dishes, laundry ect. during that time. I tell them that if they want to help I would appreciate it, but that I can't play until my chores are finished. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't!!! There is one other thing we have at home and that is game night as a family. This is time with no other distractions. The phone is not answered and the TV is not on. Our kids count down the days until game night, and in the summer we have more than one day in the week!!!
Give youself a break. What I try to remember is that at the end of our life, we will not be rememberd by how spotless our house is nor that our clothes were always clean, we will be remembered by the gift of ourselves that we gave to others by our time spent with them.
Good luck!!

Hey C.,

I am a SAHM of 4, ages 15, 13, 3 and 11 months. There is a huge age gap of 10 years between my 2 girls and that is a great help. I would try to put your household on a schedule, something like this: Wake up 7AM, have coffee, feed the kids, nurse the younger one and then try having the older 3 color while you do dishes or start a load of laundry, then you sit and color with them when the baby naps. Or read books to each other, have your 8 year old read a book and then you read one. You can always have them help you cook a meal like breakfast or lunch, have them get the things you need that they can reach. YOu can always take them to a nearby park, or even just a quick walk around the block to get outside for a while. You can try to spend one on one time with one kid on Monday and then the next on Tuesday and so on, that way they know on that particular day, mommy gets to spend special time with them.

Our house is a whirlwind, especially during the summer when they are all home and I have my step-daughter here too, she is 14. The older kids have a chore schedule for the entire week, so that helps with the sweeping (we have hard wood flooring in most of the house) and the mopping of the tile in the kitchen and bathrooms, they also take out the trash daily and they have to pick up dog poop. All this said, I still have my chores to do, like dishes of the little ones, although I have my 3 year old bring me her dishes when she is done, she is to put them on the counter by the sink, I still have laundry to do and other things, like cook/. I have my 3 year old help me in the kitchen whenever we are both ready and willing. You can assign them chores that they do daily and then reward them with a sticker or a treat from the store, something small, and they need to do it weekly to get the reward

I know it is hard and some days I am just exhausted and I nurse my 11 month old, it seems all the time! But rest assured, it goes by fast and before you know it they will be 16, 11, 9 and 7 and then they will all be out of high school.....time goes by fast trust me!

Give yourself a pat on the back! :) I feel for you and if I can be of any more help, please let me know! Your doing a great job, just slow down a bit and try to spend more one on one time with each of them, even if that means maybe watching a favorite 20 min tv program, or a movie. I do that sometimes, when the babies room needs cleaning, I will put a movie on that my 3 year old will watch and take them both in there and then start the movie and then start cleaning and then before I know it she is helping and we can watch the movie with all our attention.

Hugs! M.

C.,
You have so many responses I didn't even try reading them first...but I just wanted to stress to you that you need some time to yourself at some point in the day for at least an hour. Before anyone wakes up...during quiet time...or before you go to bed. I have only 2, but a big home and I acutally spread out my chores throughout the week. I'll vacumm upstairs one day, down the next, bathrooms one day, dusting the next etc...Sometimes I'll combined them. I try to keep laundary up through the week so I don't have astronomical piles that get overwhelming. I love a clean house so it does get hard when all you do is chase the kids around picking up their messes. Try not to overwhelm yourself thinking you have to do so much activities... Have play date one day, a swim day, an art day. Just a few things spread out through out the week that only last an hour or two. I've actually typed up a schedule to kinda help me get through the week so I have a reminder of what I'd like to be accomplishing during each hour of the day. It doesn't always go exactly to plan but it helps. If you try to plan out your week and your days and even your month you'll feel a lot more on top of it.
If your able to finacially get a gym membership at 24hr Fitness and take the kids to Kid's club... that way you both get time. Anyway...I can go on forever. I just find it easier and feel more calm when I have an agenda. May Sunday your planning day and a day to relax with the family with out feeling you have to constantly do something. No cleaning aloud either other than light tidying. You need to cut yourself some slack and breath! Get some Yoga videos and do them in your room when the kids can be distracted or asleep.
Find away that you can break free and just be you.
Good luck.

Hi C.,

You're not doing anything wrong! I feel the same way as you, and I only have one child- and she's 11. My mother gave me the best advice a few years ago. She said, "At the end of the day, does it matter if all the toys aren't picked up, does it matter if the laundry is still in the dryer? It doesn't matter. What matters is that you listened to something important your daughter had to say, you drew a picture with her, you made ice cream sundaes, you read together on the couch." I try to remember that everyday. You're not a maid, you're a mother. Clean up once (with the kids), at the end of the day. That's what I've learned to do, and my days are much happier. Good luck- don't despair- we all feel the same way!

S.

It isn't what I signed up for either. But this is what we've got. I've got a military spouse and two children (3 1/2 and 1 1/2). I never planned to be a "geographicly single" parent. I'm learning to take care of my home and teach my children to do so as well. I saw someone else reccomended FLYLady. I'm also trying to learn the FLYLady way. I'd like to also reccomend The House Fairy. There is a link on the FLYLady website. Good luck with your situation. I wish I had real answers but I'm in the process of finding them myself.

Hey I am a mother of 2. Boy and girl, 5 and 3yrs old. I also work part time as a RN(nightshift). My husband is a firefighter. I feel like a single parent because my husband's career keeps him away for 3 or more days a week (at a time!!) Many moms feel the way you do, you are not alone. What I find that helps me is to let go of the things that are not worth the battle. Take a deep breath and ask yourself is it worth it? Maybe try making it a group effort for a certain amount of time. Lastly, give your self a time out. This gives you time to just breath and calm yourself, and just think.

Hi C.:
It sounds like you are so over-welmed with everything right now.You could use a little break from all the action.First, I'd get someone to stay with the children,and take a few hours to just pamper myself.Go kick back, and get a pedicure manicure and take a breather. You sound like a wonderful mother,who adores her children,but you are over-come by attempting to accomplish everything in a mere day.You aren't super-woman. Stop expecting so much of yourself and learn to say...(to hell with it)It will be here tomorrow! Lets go have some fun!!In all my years of experience with kids,including 6 siblings. I discovered,that when kids hear yelling,they tune you out.Its a known fact, that if someone speaks softly,you strain to hear what they are saying.Kids are no different.Its not as easy as it sounds sometimes,but experiment. Take a breath,and remind yourself,that they won't hear you,if you yell.They need to know,their mother has self control,and it teaches them to have it as well.Kids can feel over-come to sometimes. They don't know where to begin,when theres a mess.We know that feeling right? They need to feel that your working as a team. I love the idea of working with music. Its a proven motivator. Have them work with you,and after you've accomplished a task, (All of you take a break) Let them help you make cookies or decorate cup-cakes afterward. What ever would please them,or reward them after their hard work.I like having a clean and tidy home just like the next guy,BUT don't let it consume you,or take precious moments you could other wise be spending with your children.Learn to relax,and slack off a little. I wish you and your darlin kids the best C..

I read the "what happened" and was intrigued, I couldn't remember the original question so I went back and then I remembered. I only have a 6 month old right now and between me and my husband, I feel like we are doing a really good job so far. Reading so many of your responses makes me a little nervous about what's to come when he gets older and we have more children (at least one more we plan). In that same respect, I feel like by having this awesome network I will have a headstart on what's to come and maybe be able to gain some insight I can use when I start to feel like I am not giving my child(ren) enough. I noticed a lot of the ladies mentioned getting someone in to help clean the house a couple of times a month. I know that can be expensive and I don't know your financial situation, but there is a company called Transition Services that works with people who have disabilities. They start small businesses and provide supported jobs for people who can't find them in the regular workforce. One of the businesses is a house cleaning biz. Because their mission is to provide work, they are ridiculously inexpensive and do a great job. You can stay at home while they come or take the kids on an outing and come back to a clean place. The website is www.tsilasvegas.com. Or you can call them at ###-###-####. Best of luck!

A. W.

Although I am not a stay-at-home mom with 4 kids, I am a full-time working mother of twin 6 year old girls. I did stay home the first 3 years. The best thing I learned and advice I could give is to prioritize because you can't be perfect at it all and the most important factor is the kids. They aren't going to remember that your kitchen was messy or the clothes weren't put away. They are going to remember having fun with their mom and her not being stressed out. What I do that makes a difference is spend individual time with each of my girls separately at some point on the weekends. Whether it's going for a walk or reading a book it's our time and they love it. Try to carve out individual time with yours, even if it's for 30 minutes. Just make it all about them. Also, let things go in order for you to carve out time for yourself periodically - find a way because if you are healthy and feeling good on the inside it will reflect on your children. I know for some it is hard to live in clutter and not have things orderly, but in the grand scheme of things it just doesn't matter. If you can afford to, hire a cleaning woman - lose the guilt. Whatever creates more quality time for you and the kids - do it!

All the best~
K.

Wow, where to start :) I have 8, also very close, my youngest was born when my oldest was 12. Oldest is now 17. Still cleaning a lot, but yelling less. :)
Some random advice.
Pray every morning.
Keep the television out of the front room, it stays cleaner that way since no-one wants to be in there much. If you get to nothing else, clean that room first so it feels better when someone comes over. Next do the guest bathroom (in case guest wants to use it :), then kitchen. Don't sweat the rest.
Clean your own room before leaving it every morning. It will be an example and provide a clean refuge if you need a timeout for yourself.
I can't stress this one enough, ONE ROOM AT A TIME! and clean that room WITH the child responsible. Accept the fact that they are children, and don't want to clean anymore than you really want to.
Here again, also stress the idea of cleaning it before they leave it in the morning, then tidying before they go to bed.
Big one: Have them clean their own area bedroom/bathroom before they start TV/playing etc (should only be making their bed etc in the morning, then let them play, then do a tidy up before Dad gets home and before dinner. Cleaning can become an all consuming task that never ends that they will resent if they are cleaning all day. Keep your own kitchen clean throughout the day, then leave the clutter for the tidy before dinner.
Biggest tip!!!!!! If you feel you have to organize all the time. You have TOO MUCH STUFF!!!!!!!!!! THe more stuff kids have, the less they care about it, and the less likely they will take care of it. You may have to go down to bare bones, a weeks worth of clothes, 2 favorite stuffed animals, 2 puzzles, 2 dolls, 2 cars, etc until they learn to put it back where it belongs.
If clutter and organization are an issue I strongly recommend the website www.flylady.org its free and well worth the time even if you don't follow the program entirely, it will help create a shift in attitude.
Remember, your job is to teach your children, not to yell at them for not being perfect adults yet,
Remind yourself that you are not yet perfect, so how can you possibly expect them to be. your life is a journey, you don't want your children to be anxious to get away from you. Believe me, I am in the process of reeling back some teenagers. Keep a smile on your face and a hug at the ready, and remember that a clean home is not as important as love and a hug. Go for love and smiles first, meals on the table second, sanitation third, tidiness fourth.
SMILE!!! Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.
PRAY EVERY MORNING. Have your own room in order, GET DRESSED and have a plan for breakfast before you leave your room every morning.
Wow, I can ramble on :) but I TRULY know how you feel. I have had the same feelings. Don't beat yourself up.
Lock the television until the basic morning tidy is done.
If the bedrooms are done every morning and the family room/toys etc is done at night, half should be clean half the time. Make yourself primarily responsible for the kitchen and bathroom and floor being mopped and vacuumed.
if this is a problem - lock up snack food, my kids tend to help themselves to cereal, snacks, cookies etc, then theres food all over which is frustrating, keep the "food all over" mess to a minimum by locking up easy to prepare, fun food . Sounds a little barbaric, but eliminates a multitude of mess and meal problems, the more kids you have, the easier it is for them to get into stuff when you aren't looking, or when you are nursing etc. If you control the kitchen, you control half the mess in the house.
GOOD LUCK!!!Hang in there. Keep yourself healthy. Eat properly, sleep the best you can.
Too much advice, pick one thing and try it today :)

PS. While your husband may need to help more, I wouldn't put this burden on him. Acknowledge the burden he carries by providing for you, and make sure he's fed. Don't allow this stress to create a marriage issue. Keep your bedroom clean so he also has a haven and so he understands your marriage is a priority. Make sure you have lots of smiles for him too. He is much more likely to want to help a smiling wife than a pouty miserable one. You may have to fake it, but that bond is very important. You need his friendship and support more than anything. And he needs it also. Be his friend and his girlfriend :) even when you don't feel like it.

You are not doing anything wrong, you're AWESOME!!!! Being a SHM of 4 is a huge deal, especially these days when there is so much pressure to be "Supermom" all the time. I think you should give yourself a break and lower the expectations you have placed on yourself to do the elaborate crafts and field trips; I think our kids are appreciative of a smile on our face, a simple "I love you", and any time we can give them that let's them know they are loved. Remember that a safe and clean place to live shows our love for our family as well as home cooked meals but the reality is also (especially for our older children) that our homes don't clean themselves; it takes a team effort and the sooner the team can pitch in and help, the sooner that everyone can benefit with the time leftover for fun. And truth be told, a little dust left on the furniture is going to hurt anyone so if our homes don't end up quite as clean as we'd like, the world doesn't come to an end. So lighten up on yourself; all we can do is the best that we can for that day. Hopefully, God willing, we get the opportunity to do the best we can again tomorrow. If you are raising children that are well-behaved, compassionate, smart and loving as you already admitted they are, then you are doing your job and doing it well. Don't doubt that about yourself ever. Good luck and God bless you!!

First of all I want to say Thank you for the wonderful work you are doing as a mother! You are running a household, caring for children and still have the desire to nurture your children even more! It sounds like you are having trouble adjusting to the "fantasy or dream parent" you thought you would be and reality. It is hard to live up to a dream. There is the "dream" family we always thought we would have and when we become a real family it can be hard to accept it is not the same.

I would suggest you take some time for yourself and get some counseling or just read some good books on self care and time management (counseling/therapy will be better because you can sit, relax and talk with an adult!) Set some goals of time management, and exploring your expectations for your self, making time for self care and for developing a respect for yourself as a mother (and/or what do you need from yourself and others to gain that respect for yourself)
You are a mother of four and that is an amazing feat! So please know your not alone and that you having a very normal reaction to the work load you have. Take care
M. M.S. MFT
www.supportfornewmothers.com

you have received such great advice! I understand they way you feel. I am a mother of an 8 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old. I used to do housework everyday all day. I would feel guilty because they would play by themselves and I didn't feel in "touch" with them. Know I know that housework is not the most important thing in the world, they are. I do follow a routine. When we wake up in the morning, which I like to do before they are up, I put 1 laundry in the washer, make my bed, and be ready for the day. When they get up they each make their bed (except for the 2 year old) and no one is allowed to go downstairs until the beds are made, they are dressed and teeth brushed. Then breakfast, and I have a chore for every day of the week, for example monday, clean bathrooms, tuesdays, kitchen floors, wednesday's, my room and kids rooms, and so on.... Most of the time, they are really good at helping me. After that, we spend time together. Having a routine and schedule, helps keep the house in order and every week, cleaning each day doesn't take much time since it's just keeping up with it, because it's pretty much clean. To get rid of clutter, get rid of whatever the kids don't play with anymore, and donate to salvation army, or by bins where you can put away toys and they know where to put them. You can have an area where they can play and not worry about seeing toys on the floor. I do laundry pretty much every day, so it doesn't build up. But the best advice I can give, is enjoy your kids. We are blessed to be able to stay home with our children. And yes, one day they will be gone and we will miss these days and want them back. The time spent with them and what you teach them will remain for them forever. I wish you happy days.

I go through periods like this also. I am stay at home mom who used to be an early education teacher (infants & toddlers).
When my two were little I had a good schedule going. Twice a week we had play groups, one day was an arts and crafts day and the other two were for hanging out around the house. The kids did the hanging out I did all the cleaning. When they were little they actually did help pick up toys or dust, things like that. As they have gotten older it has gotten harder,seems like pulling teeth to get my son to take his dish to the sink.
Sometimes just recognizing that things need to change leads to change. This is what I try, (when I remember) before I am about to yell, take a breath and walk close to the child I want to talk to and in a very calm voice I explain why I am frustrated by their actions or lack of. This usually works. I also agree that age appropriate chores are a must. Put on your favorite music and blast it while you are doing housework, it makes it go faster.

I don't have too much in the way of advice, but I do relate. I have 4...9,6,3 1/2 & 10mo. A lot of days seem like that. Something I do ,when I remember, is write in a journal either my own or I have a small one for each child (except the baby right now). When they do something cute, helpful, surprising etc...write it in their journal so on those hard days you can remember how special each one is in their own way.

I only have 1 child so I can't imagine 4. But my 5 y/o DD is a whirlwind. Sometimes it feels like I have 4. The only cleaning I do on a daily basis is the dishes and kitchen counter and make sure the bathroom is tidy. I leave all the toys and books on the floor and straighten up maybe 1-2x per week, but make sure there aren't any items blocking the pathways so no one gets hurt. I make sure we work together as a team when it's time to clean up. Sometimes we play music or compete to see who can put away the most. Winner gets a "whoo hoo" and high-five. (My husband could care less about the mess.) There are no privileges until I'm satisfied, and i don't expect perfection. Like the other mom suggested, bring in a cleaning person a couple of times a month and don't sweat what doesn't really matter. With a family that size, no one, not even you, should expect perfectly clean. Good luck.
M.

Hey C.,

You are not doing anyhting wrong but being too hard on yourself!! I have two teenagers now but helped my twin raise her 4 daughters as well!! I say, children are the hardest job I ever had and continue to have!! And if you have a spouse like mine who thinks that he only has to put the bacon on the table then it's even harder!! But I learned!! If the house is messy, it's messy cause spending time with the kids are more important, they grow so fast and when you turn around they are getting ready to go to college (like mine, who will be next year) Don't beat yourself up, figure out what's important for you and your family!! And what works for me is "to do" lists, cleaning one room a day (with the exception of bathrrom and kitchen which are rooms we are in everyday) and yes, getting your kids use to helping is a great idea!! Your a great Mom, pat yourself on the back and thank God they are healthy, you have a roof over your head and food in your stomach cause believe me from what I witnessed in other countries (just went to visit South Africa) we are so lucky!! Remember don't sweat the small stuff!! Good Luck!!

nessa

Hi C.,
I feel your frustration. I remember those days so vividly. I remember when my third one came it pushed me over the edge of feeling not only overwhelmed but also alone. The responsibilities seemed so much bigger than me. I too wanted to be the perfect consummate mom.
Now, many years later and another two kids...I have come to the understanding that if something isn't in it's place, it is okay. I was so defined by the perfect house and the perfect kids I couldn't see I was putting the image in front of the people. I don't know if that is what is going on, just sharing my own realization.
My suggestion is to bring in the kids. Have a family meeting every week. Talk about the situation, get everyone on board with the understanding of division of labor and family responsibilities, ask the kids, how they think the group should participate, get them brainstorming and part of the process. Kids (and people in general) are much more willing to pitch in when they feel part of the process. Then make sure you give praises and acknowledgment and have equal time with the kids having fun.
The other last suggestion is that you find one thing a week you can do for you. What is it you like to do? Take a small amount of time for you, rediscover who you are, what you like and make the time for that, even if it is just 20 minutes a week. Start small and let that area grow again.
Good luck,
K.

Hi There-

I only have 2 so I can only imagine what it's like with 4 kids! Maybe you need to lower your expectations regarding cleaning- easier said than done I know but for the next couple of years it's a losing battle. Regarding the chores- maybe you can use it as a way to get one on one time with each of your kids. "Hey (5yo)- let's go clean up the bedroom together- we can pretend we are wall-e and pack up all the toys! (for example) I've found that I need to incorporate cleaning into our play...and sometimes we just play and the toys can be picked up tomorrow. Plan your elaborate field trips for mid morning- get up and do a quick clean, pack some snacks and leave your clean abode- it will still be clean when you get home and your kids will be too tired to make a mess at least for 15 minutes! (Not a guarantee!)

Focus on what you are doing right- compassionate and loving kids don't make themselves!

Hang in there mama,
T.

I think that everyone gets to the point where they lose their temper and raise their voice. You may have gotten there, but you also see that its probably not helping and you're seeking alternative methods to deal with these issues. That shows what a great mom you are!! The ages they are now, it would be difficult to sit them all down and have a family talk. I would suggest doing what my mom did. She came up with a couple chore charts. There were three of us growing up in an enormous row home, she had the same troubles as you I am sure.

At the tops of the charts was each person's name. Even hers and my fathers. Below that would be the chores they were responsible for each day before dinner. Like put away your toys, put away your laundry etc. If at the end of the day you didn't do those things, you didn't get desert. That was the daily chart. There was also a monthly chart, whoever got the most stars for the month got a special reward. Like my dad would take us for an ice cream or for my brothers who were older than me, they got some pocket money.

She even had a bathroom chart for bathdays, teeth brushing, you name it!!! It really worked and got us all into a routine that we didn't have to be told when to do things. Hope this suggestion helps. I think positive reinforcement works much better with kids. I know that my son in particular is totally unaffected when I lose my temper, at that point I've only punished myself.

Wow! That is amazing all that you have to tend to. I only have one child, a daughter who's two, yet I can understand and sympathize with you. I know you're level of stress is many times more with so many schedules to deal with... But, I just had to write to you and say that it seems like you already know what you need and want to do. Sit down and color with them instead of doing the dishes, the dishes will wait (and so what if it's tomorrow). There isn't a day that I don't think, "this will all seem like a dream someday". I want it to be a very vivid dream that I look back on and it sounds like you do too. Anyway, more practically, why don't you (if finances permit) get a cleaning service once every two weeks or once a month to do the really hard stuff. Sometimes I will say today is the day I care about the carpet and I do that and nothing else cleaning-wise or maybe the kitchen floor or whatever. The kids will never notice the clean house but they will notice your extra time with them. I don't want to sound preachy especially coming from someone with just one child (easy!) compared to you. But, you sound like a great mom who worries too much and just needs to do what you already know is right. Good luck!
KJ

lower your expetations. As hard as it is let some things go.
The eight year old can to dishes and if not then no one eats.
If the five year old doesn't put her toys away then they go in a plastic bag and they go.(i put them away and most of the time mine doesn't notice they are gone) Delegate laundry and for certain days only. Somethings just will not get cleaned up.
The kids are young and they will learn but they need your attention most of all. They don't see the stuff we see and it's not a priority. Quality time not Quanity is best for each. Slow down and take a breath. Lower your tone and speak softly but carry a big stick. Consitentency is the key.Let the oldest know she is the leader and therefore sets the example so you need her special help but only at certain times. You can not do it with out her. Good Luck
Practice,Practice,Practice and you will do fine.

Hi C., I have no advice for you, but I wanted to thank you for being honest about how hard having multiple kids is. I have 2 boys and have been considering trying for a 3rd(girl) I feel that right now, even though some days are tough, I am a good Mom to 2 and if I threw a 3rd in the mix it might be more than I can handle.

Now that you realize where your down fall is, maybe you can set aside a hour or so each day to do just that, take time to smell the roses. No cleaning, no phone, no errands etc. Just be w/ them.

Cheers~D.

You have gotten so many responses some of which are so long I am not sure you will get to mine. But here are my 2 cents anyway. While I hear you saying that you are overwhelmed with kids and chores, the deeper sense that I get is that you may be experiencing a mild depression. I get the sense that you are feeling like you have lost yourself and are feeling a little hopeless. It sounds as though you are not finding pleasure or energy in doing things that you once derived pleasure from. That so not a fun feeling. I agree with all the folks who made suggestions about getting help with housework and letting go of the need to be perfect homemaker etc. however, I most agree with the person who suggested counseling. It sounds like in addition to getting some support from your spouse or family it would be great for you to be able to have an hour during the week where it is all about you and your needs. You are doing nothing wrong and I think we all experience these feelings in our lives at one time or another. It is my belief that getting treatment (even for mild depression) is important, makes a world of difference and provides tools for the rest of your life. I wish you luck and hope that you begin feeling better soon.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It is totally stressful to have children and a clean, livable house at the same time! I also feel like my life is the "Bermuda Triangle" of laundry, kitchen, and market, with additional trips to school and activities for the kids. It often seems like a choice between one or the other. I've completely let my house go, and it seems like I'm never going to get it back. If you like a clean house like me, it's so hard to accept that choice of kids over house. I don't even understand why it has to be a choice, but I've come to the realization that there are so many hours in the day. I tried to sit my kids down and explain to them that more needed to be done by everyone around the house, but they looked at me and told me they didn't care what the house looked like, but they did care about being able to do stuff with me. I do recommend that while they're young, you teach your children how to help you out. Better they understand now than fighting them on this later (like me!).

Also, I know there aren't enough hours in the day, but I suggest you find some time for yourself to recharge. You don't mention your husband, but can he watch the kids for a day on the weekend once in a while so that you can do something for yourself--go to a museum, take a walk around the neighborhood, hang out with some friends--something, just to give yourself some space to breathe!

Good luck to you. Just know that you're not alone.

I think you're the greatest. its a hard job.. Stay focused, its physically demanding... don't yell at them, use your indoor voice

Wow! My heart goes out to you! It sounds like you've gotten lots of really good advice so I'm not going to add too much. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. I have 3 under 6 now and yes, we can get caught up in the daily grind. Some days are better then others and ultimately they go by so fast. You'll be surprised at how good it feels to just sit and watch TV with the kids or have them read to you. Try to slow down a bit, you don't need to do everything in a day.
God bless you!

C.,

I hope I dont get too nosey but where is your husband? From what I understand, you are still married, and you didnt mention him at ALL amidst explaining your homelife and love for your family in detail. It were as if he wasnt even in the picture.
My guess?...a few reasons, for your feeling this way....

Does your husband really show you he appreciates you or are you two in such routine that you just automatically say, "of course he appreciates me."? Do YOU truly show HIM your appreciation likewise, for his role in this family?
Have you lost touch with emotion of worth?

Remember these are just trial and error things I'm throwing out there.

Are you strict enough with the children about tidying up? Seriously ask yourself this, and truthfully answer, because I myself am really bad about not being hard enough on my two girls about this. Mine are 15 and 3, and I'm a single mom working 2 jobs, and I constantly feel as you do. I have no husband so it's easy to feel unworthy, unappreciated for the neverending chores that I do day in and day out. I literally go on strike and it gets so bad I just blow up and clean it all.

Your children need to constantly help. Make a rule that if they take something out, they put it away, before ANYTHING else is allowed...PERIOD. It works if you stand your ground. They will at first be SO mad and complain and whine...but YOU allowed this...for them to complain and whine to make you so exhasperated that you give in and do it yourself to get it over with. STICK TO IT. They will fast know it wont work and they will get NOTHING.
And where is Mr Husband? The guy who helped create these beautiful babies that are overwhelming you? Where's his half in the responsibilities around your place where all of you reside? EVERYONE has their share. I dont care who "works" because BOTH of you do(and you know t stay at home person has the most difficult occupation).
Make a chart of chores and pin it up. Follow it faithfully.
Go out to dinner with Mr Husband, without the babies, and dont talk only about the children! Look in his eyes.

Your oldest can sort laundry.
Your second oldest can get a chair and "help"(in training)wash dishes, and load the washer/dryer with clothes.

Take a walk with one child at a time, around the block or two, or park. Listen to them one on one. Draw with them at the table or set a table up outside at sundown, only with one child allowed with you at a time. The others need to be completely out of the room, or inside the house if you are set up outside.

To start the cleaning routine, before it's in full swing, you need to do a super clean. Hire a teenage girl for a day to organize and lable. Then you're ready to lay the law down.

Your husband needs to be on the chart that's posted of chores. He will likely behave as the children do at first!But it's not a laughing matter for long....

Do it all with a smile, but if you get the predicted resistance, INSTANTLY cut the humor and mean business.

Hey, write me back C.. I am so curious!
You are fortunate to HAVE a complete and large family that's still together. Work for it in YOUR appreciation of THAT in itself. Put your love for your children that you were talking about, into your determination to keep this lovely household!

Wendy

You aren't foing anything wrong, take a deep breath. I would suggest that in the overwhelm of taking care of 4 kids you also want to take care of your inner child... the one who like to do art projects with other people's kids. Now your responsible adult is very busy with the real chores of a big family and thinks it can save time by cutting out taking care you you. THis leads to you getting resentful of your kids who get to play while you clean. this is not conscious, but it does have an efffect and then you lose energy doign all the take care of things chores because you are also fighting yourself not having fun. schedule in an art project that you like that you want to do, and do it when the children are NOT THERE at first. give your playful self one on one then you will find it easier to do all the chore things, becuase you have re-filled your energy/fun pool. THen schedule 10 or 15 min a day to do a project with your kids. Go easy on your self, you don't want to have to convince your inner chore manager that you are just goign to make more of a mess... coloring in coloring books, or drawing in chalk outside are good easy clean up activities. Commit to to fun part, you may be out of practice. Don't try to cheat yourself and clean while you are playing 'house with the kids' - you can do that oo, but it doesn't count for fun time to refill you. Then as you make time for yourself, and have time for fun with your kids, then you can get them more involved with your home care activities. My kids like to tie baby wipes to their feet and 'ice skate' across the floor. My littlest likes to spray glass cleaner and wipe the back door, floor, etc. yes this takes a little extra time to supervise, especially not using the whoel bottle at once, its true. As they participate with you they like spending time with you, and you spending time with them. You can be teacing them how important it is to take care of their space and theat they deserve (and you) a clean happy home and that that takes effort. YOur eight year old and even your 5 year old are ready to do little chores. Empty the dirty closes from their rooom into the laundry pile. They are old enough to sort (although you have to check again when you load) because these are also learning things to and will help them in school. Make a chart, do what ever works to keep track (i don't - haven't got around to making chart.) Just dont' get made when they didn;t do it. They haven't learned cleaning skills, time management or even focus and self dispiline... yet! That is what you are teaching them be getting them involved. WHen they complain explain that this is what mommy is doing that and it is because our family is worth it and that now they are responsible enough to be able to GIVE back to the family... this makes them important, too. Tidying up after them selves is just like eating good food every day, drinking enough water, getting sleep, even cleaning their bottoms and washing their hands after the bathroom. THese are not optional things, they are the daily activities of life. Not horrible things to be avoided. Be patient and compassionate, as they learn to help out. I found myself trying to get rid of them, and check out so I could 'focus' on taking care of household chores... but that only led to me feeling more alienated from them, more cranky and resentful when they made another mess. (Also make sure your partner is seen to be taking an active roll in home care, or make sure you talk about how they are outside the home working and putting effort into taking care of the family, even though the kids don't see them doing work in to home. It is all the family doing their part to take care of the family, provide a home, food, etc. THey don't know strawberries grow on the ground until someone teaches them- they don't know the effort that is goign into the family unless it is lovingly pointed out- they'll get it, don't worry) Now that you all will be spending more time together both taking care of your shared space, and more time playing because you will be connected again, and you won't feel alone in the world of doing all the work and getting no fun.

REmember that your children are great people, compassionate and loving because they have a great compassionate MOm, remmber to point some of that Compassion and love back to yourself, also.

MAny Blessings, ELiz

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this with all of us. I only have one child, but between school, work and keeping the house up I feel the same way you do. It's so good to know I'm not alone in this. I've also gotten some great advice from reading the responses.

Thanks again,
M.

i have twin girls who are 6 months old, were premies, and had some health issues. I had a really rough time in the beginning and found myself wondering "can i really do this?". when i read your posting it brought a tear to my eye.

i am happy to see you have worked out a plan and also that so many other mothers are being supportive. i have learned that us women are much stronger than we often give ourselves credit for.

best wishes to you!

You're not doing anything wrong except maybe being too hard on yourself. It's never going to be perfect and idyllic so just give that dream up now. Enjoy those little things that you mentioned, decide what you can just let go and get help when you can...maybe you have someone come in and clean the house for you every two weeks or have your groceries delivered...I do this with vons.com. Just try and enjoy the moment. They go by too quickly to worry about some of the "small things"...

Good luck!
-M

I have four as well 10, 9, 22m, and 19m. (Adoption is fun) Some days are crazy. Stop and breath. Does it really matter if the house is perfectly spotless? Laugh and have some fun with them. I reward my older girls with prizes when they get caught being good or helping with chores etc. I don't spend a lot, mostly dollar store things.

Remember these choldren are a gift. They and you are more important then anything else. Do take a break and get a few minutes for yourself everyday. Keep your chin up and know your are not the only one who feels this way sometimes.

B. V

C.,
I know you are not alone. We live chaotic lives and it never seems to stop or let up. But I don't believe its meant to be that way. I grew up in a christian home that observed Sabath. It was such a bummer as a child to be forbidden to turn on television, or do our normal routine. But looking back, Sabaths where the best memories of family time together. There is no question in my mind that Sabath made a closer stronger family. We had friends over for lunch, went to parks for picnics, and did family bike rides. My mom read to us on Friday evenings, often accompanied with back rubs and we spent quiet relaxing time together.
Christian or not, its a wonderful principle. Frankly its brilliant, because the work will never end. Truly, you will never find yourself on top of it all. But take a manditory family break and do it without guilt. This takes some planning. My mom started on Thursday with cleaning and shopping so that Sabath could be observed. In my adult life I left this practice. I am recently returning to it and cannot tell you the peace it gives me. It is truley a delight. Its more for the adults than the kids. But it is in the kids best interest to have refreshed parents, so it is indirectly for them too. By experience I can tell you, you will get more done in 6 days with a day off than you will in 7 without a break.

I have not read it, but Dr. Laura Schlesiger wrote a book called the Ten Commandments and she addresses sabath there. I hear its inspiring.

I am far from a perfect sabath keeper. But I ask myself these questions when chosing how to observe: Does this activity allow me to relax? does this activity enhance my relationship with God? Does this activity enhance my relationship with friends and family? I hope you give it a try even if it seems counterintuative.

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:30, 31.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Mathew 11:28,29

With 4 children it becomes a job, a big job. You shouldn't blame yourself for not having fairy tale exsistance. Children are messy, noisy, and hmm, they don't care to do chores. The only way to over come that is lots of imput from you. It take's tremdous effort to train children to do chores. It's much harder job than doing it yourself. Consistancy and routine help. A reward system for chores they have to do each day is a good idea, with some sort of penalty system for when the rewards don't work. Just remember to make the penalties something you can easily enforce, and that they don't turn out to be harder on you than the kids. With that many little ones to deal with you may have to relax your standards of cleanliness to keep your sanity. "Good enough" is truely good enough.

I just prioritize my children over the house. My house is a little messier than I would like, but I feel good about the time that I spend with my children. When they are a little bit older and a little bit more self-sufficient, the house will be cleaner again.

You will have the rest of your life to have a clean house, but only this short time to spend with and teach your children.

C.,

Have you tried a chores chart and rewards? Let them pick out the chores and the reward for doing them which makes them accountable for their actions and the reward. If they don't do the chore they don't get the reward. If they do do the chore they get what they picked out. The rewards can range from spending time with you, your husband, a material thing, be creating and make the reward meaningful for them. Good luck!

M. P

Dear C., God bless your heart. You seem like such a wonderful mom. The world could use more women with a heart like yours. No, you're not doing anything wrong. Those stresses and disappointments are all part of the mom "experience". This too shall pass...enjoy your moments. I felt and (at times still feel the same way), even though my children are older now (14,12 & 10). It's definetly challenging and rewarding having them so close together. I think it makes all the seasons more intense. Someone that helped and gave me tremendous inspiration and encouragement was Sally Clarkson at www.whoelheart.org. I've read her books, blogs and gone to her conferences. She has five children and has the same wonderful asperations for her family as you have for yours. Besides her family she has dedicated her whole life to helping moms. Check-out her website and blogs. I love her book Season's of a Mothers Heart. Good luck and don't forget "your" quiet time everything else gets better after that. Cathy

I know it may be hard to do, but remember that you need to stop and play sometimes, not just for the children's sake, but for your own. Sometimes you can let the house go for a day and just concentrate on those you love, or have a "mess" day and make messes in the back yard, do art projects, finger paint, blow bubbles and catch them, or just dance. Often as mothers, we feel the need to be perfect for everyone, and it is not possible. We get so consumed with work that we forget how to laugh and how to play. I have 6 children so I understand the not having time to do everything and keep up the house. I lost the ablility to play and have fun. I would love to turn back the clock some days and just romp through the house playing hide and seek or run through the sprinklers with them, but they are all grown up now, struggling with the same decisions I had to make when they were small. Now I try to play more with the grandchildren. It is ok to have the laundry not put away and cobwebs on the ceiling for a few days. Give yourself and your wonderful children a play afternoon or evening every week. You will never regret it.

Give yourself a break first. Then, maybe reconsider priorities. Your house really doesn't always need to be tidy. Make chore charts for the older kids so they can do the stuff more at their pace than when you expect them to drop everything they are doing to do what you want. Say, before dinner tonight you need to have x,y,z chores done. Then have a consequence if it is not.

Decide what you can just let go so you can spend more time enjoying your kids. Get them all out to the beach or park or pool each day so there is something for them. My guess is they are pretty happy even if you aren't--they are kids after all. I often leave the house without totally cleaning my kitchen. My bathrooms get cleaned every other week by a cleaning service, and sometimes the pots and pans from dinner wait until the morning. It just isn't that important to me that everything be perfect each day. As a result I am much more relaxed. The house gets really clean twice a month and I try to keep it in control the rest of the time.

But most importantly--appreciate what you are doing not what you aren't. It's just not realistic to think of doing decoupage masks with 4 kids of different ages (one really little still). You are there for them and that is the most important thing.

You aren't doing anything wrong!!! Nobody said motherhood is easy! I don't know how you do it with four..I only have two and many days find myself yelling at them too. Do you have any family who could come help you a all?
Don't know your financial situation, but can you get a person to come once or twice a week to help with laundry and cleaning up? I was told by several of my sons teachers (at different times) to assign chores...and keep a chart that is really simple that they can see. Give a reward such as a star sticker after each chore done. Then at the end of the week, if they have gotten all or most of their stars they get a reward like an extra scoop of ice cream... The key I think is consistency (don't switch chores around from child to child(..they get confused) and obviously the older kids get the harder chores. My kids fight to help me do things around the house. They can fold laundry, (it wont be perfect but who cares!!!) my kids love to go around and each armed with a windex bottle, clean windows! Make it fun and if the kids feel like they are helping Mommy and being important, they will help. I have also found with my 4 year old daughter who is very resistant to picking up her room, if I make it into a competition or time her putting her clean clothes away...she begs for more!!!

A good friend of mine rotates weekends with her kids...they have a special Mommy (or Daddy or both ) night with one of their kids. So one night she or they will take one kid out to dinner and a movie and get some much needed one on one time. Hope this helps, hang in there you are doing the best you can. We ALL feel guilty for one reason or another...and it usually involves the kids. The times I have cried in bed for yelling or saying something I shouldn't have to my kids...good luck and try to get some help and squeeze in some time for yourself!!!

I, like yourself have 4 children and am a stay at home mom. I worked up until I had my 10 month old, and I don't know how I ever fit work into my schedule, because like you I feel like I was cleaning all day. So the kids (16,12,7special needs, and 10monthold) and I worked out a plan where first thing in the morning we do chores. The kids are mine for 15 minutes to do whatever I need them to do. Then I do about an hour and a half of work, and then the rest of the day is ours to do what we want. Obviously, during school time we tweek the system a little, but it still runs pretty smoothly even then. The thing that I learned though is that it is not quantity time that you spend with your kids,because I'm home with them all day, but it is quality time that counts. So wether you are working or have a new baby that takes up a lot of time, as long as you still find time to do something special with them once a week or so, and have one on one talks with them as often as you can you are doing a good job. I grew up in a family of 8 children, so my mom was a very busy woman, but I don't feel like I was deprived of time. Your kids will remember these special times as their fondest memories. If you had jam packed arts and trips everyday they wouldn't be special anymore, and they would come to expect it. The good thing about having more than one child is they play together and build bonds together as well. Also, be flexible with the house cleaning. The world won't come to an end if everything doesn't get done. But a childs world may seem to fall apart if you don't take the time to see the new picture they drew or the next level they got to in their game.I know you are doing a great job because you are so concerned. We all feel like this often. We cannot be the perfect mom, but when you do your best everything works out.

I didn't read all the responses so bear with me if I'm repeating someone.

I understand where you are coming from.
Perhaps you need to allow yourself to let somethings slip. Maybe a simple meal a couple nights a week, or leave the mess during the day and before the first bed time, everyone takes 20 minutes and picks up things. Then you aren't cleaning all day or by yourself. But you need to give yourself permission to let something go. Soon, they will be grown and you can get to a spotless house.
Once a week, set aside one hour to do a craft project. You might have to plan it the night before when they have gone to bed but put it on the calender and don't let the chores overcome you for that hour. Start the load of laundry before you sit down and play so you feel something is getting accomplished. The next night, throw the dinner in the slow cooker and play for 30 minutes
Also when you enlist their help it could be part of play. Have the three year old sort the laundry by colors. She may not do it perfectly but when you are loading the machine, you can make any necessary adjustments.
Lastly, LEAVE THE HOUSE. If you guys go for a walk, or end up at the park, stroll through Toys R US (tell them before hand if you will buy anything or not)... you can't do housework and you are allowed to play. I work from home and often feel drawn into the office to check the fax or email but when I leave I seem to relax and not think about work.

I think the biggest challenge I have is giving my self permission that if I'm not cleaning, it's OK.
Good luck!

It looks like someone beat me to recommending www.flylady.net. It's an awesome website. She even has sections for things that young kids can do. Even though I only have one child, he makes 4 kids' worth of messes, especially when his friends come over to play. Even when I'm tired after coming home from work, I can find 5 minutes to do my "flylady task of the day." My son has to do his daily 5-10 minutes of "Fly Guy" in his room. The Fly Lady's philosophy is that any little bit you do is an improvement. Breaking down chores into 15-minute increments helps give you time for the more important things in life. Even if you only have 15 minutes a day for house cleaning, that's better than nothing. My husband has noticed the difference since I started following the Fly Lady system. Good luck.

While you may not realize it, this is what you signed up for, i'ts called being a parent. You're not doing anything "wrong", maybe you just need to change your priorities and expectations. It's easy to focus on the fun stuff when you're a friend, alot different when you're the mom.

I think it's great to expect the older kids to help out, perhaps you can let them choose (within reason) at what time they complete their task. Also, you might try a sticker reward chart, with an extra star for when they do it right after you ask. Let them know that the quicker you all get the chores done, the quicker the reward - a trip to the park, an art project etc.

I don't know your financial situation, but getting someone in to help with the cleaning would really help. Try things like paper plates etc to lighten the load.

Finally, what about your husband, can he help out in any way? Ask him to give you a few hour break weekly so that you can spend some "special time" with each child alone. Also, you might want to consider therapy to help you deal with your sense of failure and disappointment. Good luck, and hang in there.

Cludia, I understand what you are going through. I was like that until I was diagnoised with breast cancer in 2004. I wanted my house clean and perfect for fear someone would stop by. Now I just want to spend time with my kids and if my house is not perfect when people stop by then to bad. Life is short and our kids are only kids for a short time so enjoy them and life now while you can.

flylady.net
Free website that has helped me so much.
Good luck

I feel you! In order for me to be a stay at home mother I take care of 6 D.D. boys. So that is 8 in my home at all times, showers, laundry, toys, meals.....I used to get so stressed. It took me awhile to find a balance, and one of the things that helped is simply to STOP. It is just housework. It is just laundry, it is not worth stressing over. I still keep up with the work, but the less I worry the quicker and easier things just get done. The best lesson I learned was that MY MOOD was their mood. The stress and yelling and fighting created more stress, more yelling and more fighting. I really understand what it feels like, there were times I would just look around the house I had just cleaned or the laundry that is never finished and I would just be so tired, let alone play time and stories and all that other stuff. When I realized that I could truly change the day by making a change in myself and my perception in my life and choices, life became easier. I will be thinking of you and hope everything gets better:)

The only thing you are doing wrong is being soo hard on yourself! You sound like a great mom. Any chance of getting help like a cleaning person once a week?

don't know how you feel about schedules, but your 8 and 4 year old may be able to follow something simple. My cousins give their kids a penny every time they clean up and they lose a penny if they don't. they keep them in a clear piggy bank for each child and then have some sort of reward system after they accumulate enough penny's. the kids are 6 and 4 years old. it's really worked well for them. and the kids seem to really like it and have fun with it and learn about consequences when they don't behave a certain way (lose a penny).

god bless you and your beautiful precious family!

Hi C.,
I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time. Raising children is a full time job, and so is maintaining a household. Have you ever considered getting a housecleaner to come once a week? That will free you of some of your responsibilities and allow you to enjoy your children more. Also, I would suggest not fretting over the orderliness of your home. Maybe pick a few chores that are the ones that make you feel your house is messy, and set a time limit on doing that particular chore each day. Also, having the children help with the chores is great. Children love to feel like grown ups and so having them help with the easy things can be helpful. I would suggest that you choose a time each day for your chores and make it a family time where everyone participates. That would free up the rest of your day to do those things that you have wanted to do with your children. Finally, take time for yourself. Hire a babysitter for a few hours one day a week and get out of the house. Allowing time for yourself will help you see life in perspective and will refresh your soul making you a more loving and patient mommy.

You didn't mention your husband/partner's role in this at all, but I hope you'll share your concerns with him--what struck me was not your frustration (which is understandable) but your disappointment...you need to change how you spend your time, for your sake AND your family's. This could mean adjusting to a new level of "clean" (or rather, unclean) around the house, or getting some help with the cleaning from your partner or from an occasional housekeeper. If you do well with lists (like I do), consider a short list of 3-5 "goals for the week"--like giving a hug to each family member twice daily, or making it to a mom's group/playdate, or planning a once-a-month trip to a museum or beach or whatever. It's time to reassess your priorities.

I know the laundry doesn't do itself, but you need to spend your time differently. Before you know it, your kids will be too old to happily splash around in a pool or play board games with you or sit in your lap to enjoy a book together. Find the one chore or other activity that is taking up the most time and solve that one in some way. You and your family deserve to have a happy mom--I wish you the best of luck in making some changes so that you can do some of the things you dreamed about doing with your family. Be gentle with yourself.

You are not alone!! It's nice for me to actually hear someone else speak the same language. We have an 8,31/2,and 2 year old and are expecting again Dec. 7th. It's hard to keep up with everything, and especially the fighting!! I can't stand that part of parenting:( But, I joined a MOPS group about 2 years ago at our local church. It's great, and their are so many other moms going through exactly the same thing. I would recommend joining some sort of moms group, in order to get to know other moms experiencing some of the same things and a chance for your kids to make some new friends! Good luck:)

C.,
Hats off to you! You are a supermom of four! I can understand why you are feeling you on a hamster wheel and feel like you are getting now where. I think it is great that your are teaching all the children to pitch in and be responsible. To make it easier for you,maybe having a chore board with each child's name on it with their respondsiblities for age appropriate chores each day. When you make the board have them involved and set times for the chores. Like picking up laundry and putting it in the basket each day at 11:00. Having them pick up their toys and having separate color coded bins for different toys and labeling them so they know where the belong. Brushing teeth, baths etc are a set time each day. When you have their schedule in place then it will be easier for you to make your schedule. Make your meals at the same time everyday, and stay on schedule. If you can get them organized and on a consistant schedule, your free time will become more before you know it. Cleaning your house consistently is not giving them quality, and not giving you quality time. If you make their chore board and you have your board with set days and times for laundry days,or times, dusting days etc, having that visually where you can stay on track will help you to enjoy what you want to have. A fun board is good to have as well. Tuesdays are 2 hours at the park. After breakfast and cleanup a morning walk, older ones can ride bikes, etc. After lunch, nap time and the older kids on laundry days can help fold or put away clothes while you watch a movie. When dad gets home he can help with baths or a night walks while you get some down time, reading or meditating or going for another walk together as a family.
Let me know if it works!
Good Luck,
D.

Hi C., you didn't mention a husband, but I will assume since you are a SAHM. You are married. The only thing that I can see that would say you are doing wrong, is doing it all yourself, your 3, 5, and 8 year old should pick up their toys and clothes, a one year old can even learn that by watching and copying. I know you have heard the old saying that a mother and house wife's job is never done, and it is true. I can share with you what worked for me and my family. My kids are grown now, my youngest is 19. I have 3 kids, I have been married to my husband for 27 years, he retired as a Chief in the Navy in 1996. Early in my mother hood days I did most of it myself cause that's the way i wanted it, but 11 years ago I opened up a daycare, and i can no longer do it all myself
since you have 4 kids, have one special day of the week for each child, for a project or mother child day out, when my kids were little my husband had a day of the week for each child, and they got to chose what they wanted to do ( within our means) that gave me a little break, my daughter always choosed dairy queen, I was the kind of mom who's house always had to be neat and tidy, my kids played in their rooms, toys were not scattered through the house. I found that if you do things on a daily basis, it's easier, becasue you have stayed on top of things, I used to do most of my house work in the morning and at night after I rocked/and tucked my kids in, make sure your husband is a hands on dad, God gave kids two parentsm I think becasue it is to much work for one person. C. the house work will always be there, but our kids won't, I turned thr vacum of to listen to my children, i've dried my hands while doing dishes, just to hang a picture they drew on my frige, those things that sometimes come accross as annoying when we busy, are the things that our kids are going to remember when their older. You eight year old can read or color with your 3 and 5 year old, while you bathing the one year oldm or feeding or what ever. I'm not sure but I think, you think you have entertain all 4 kids have the same time you don't allow them to entertain eachother, so you can some things done at home. As far as the laundry, My 2 boys shared a room, my daughter of course had her own room, so I put a hamper in each room, in their closet, and it made it easy to keep clothes off the floor cause they had a hamper right there, I had certain days, for the boys laundry, and certain days for my daughters, another day for mine, a day for hubbys, and then a day for towels and lennons, i know that sounds like a lot of work, but I did the laundry at night, the outer clothes i put on hangers, and hang them in their door ways, and the under stuff went to the dryer, basically i tried to do things in the night, to free up some time during the day with the kids, when I just had my two boys they always played together, I always got everything done, the my daughter came, and until she was old enough to play with them, I had to entertin her a lot, but by two she was very endependent, kept her room tidy, boy but at 19 you should see it now. Now here's what you do since they are older, you tell them pick up your clothes and your your, and you give them so much time to do that, then you go in and you take everything thats on the floor that does not belong there, hold it captive for awhile, if they don't learn quickly they ill run out of clothes, and toys to play with, it worked with my kids, they caught on very quickly, although my kids were never overly messey, my 21 year old son is still neat and tidy, my 24 year, is not and my 19 year old daughter is not. There's more things I can share with you, but I don't want to write you a book, if your husband is not actively helping you with the kids encourge him to do so, now in my home, my husband has 3 days a week from work, he cooks for me on those nights. J.

C.: I have to agree that being a stay at home mother one of the hardest jobs in the world. and with four little kids you are definetly outnumbered. My advice to you is to realize, your house may never be clean nor all the chores done or every meal cooked to perfection. IN fact sometimes my kids have a bowl of cereal for lunch. I am not so lucky as you and have to work except in the summer. Then I try to plan one fun and inexpensive or free activity each day. Its on my calendar and it may be go to the library for story time or go to the park or swimming or hiking or whatever. When we do this thing I try to just have fun with my kids. And I try to forget about the laundrey the dinner the mess and just focu on them. They are only 3 once and it is too easy to miss the cute thing that Johnny does before he goes down the slide or nancy's favorite book. Also don't be ashamed or afraid to take time out for yourself. Go to the gym, go for a walk get to gether with friends anything where that house isn't screaming to be cleaned up. when your kids move out you'll have plenty of time to clean then.

Show me a mom who doesn't struggle with those issues and I'll show you a mom who has a full time nanny & houskeeper! In fact, I know some moms who have that and they still struggle. This was a problem for me as well then it hit me, in a blink they'll be teenagers and I'll miss this time very much so I decided to make an effort to live in the moment. I set small goals and try to get my work done at certain times. Believe me, it's not easy. I still get stressed and mad but things are better. We all need a break too. Maybe you have family that could help out? My mom passed away and my mil lives a few hours away so I don't have that type of help but occasionally my sister will watch them or I'll get a sitter for the afternoon. Check out this website:
http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php
Watch the video on the power of attraction. This philosophy has helped me and many others I know.

Hi C.,

Your not doing anything wrong. I know the feeling and I only have two children and an 80 year old grandma to take care of. I seeked the advice of Martha Stevens a mother of five children. She wrote: Raise Your Kids Right The First Time Around, There Is No Second Chance. She gives some really great advice and techniques. Our household is still in process of making changes but I tell you it is working and we are all much happier. I have posted a link to her information on my blog site -
Mama Of Two Angels - www.mamaof2angels.blogspot.com
Hope this helps and don't forget to take some time out for yourself. I know easier said than done, but we all really need that time for ourselves.
Good Luck and Best Wishes!!!!

Sincerely,
D.

First of all, have them climb into bed with you for 5 min in the morning and cuddle. We do it and it makes sure they each start their day with hugs. Second, get a housekeeper. Even if she comes once every other week, it will give you more time. Third, ask your husband to help more. Maybe he can do dishes twice a week. Schedule time during the day for all of the kids and you to dance or something. Say, "It's 3:00, dance time". Turn the music up and dance around and be funny. The kids will love it. Try not to yell. I found myself losing my patience too and when I found that I was going to yell, I just said for them to go to their room. Within a few min., I was cooled off and they could come out. Then we'd discuss it. Hope this helps.

I too am in Ladera and you are definitely not doing anything wrong. Believe it or not your kids will grow up knowing that you loved them because you were at home for them. You did not drop them off at daycare and let others care for them. Do you try to have special days out with one or two at a time. Even for a short "date" to the ice cream shop with just one, it means the world to them and they will never forget it.
Also are you in a Mommies class just for you to stay sane and talk to other moms. I would suggest MOPS. It is every thursday from 10-1115 at Coast Bible church off Marguerite by Capo valley high school. You get a morning to yourself and other moms let the kids play in the nursery right next door and eat and laugh. It is great!

Boy, do I hear you! I don't have four, just 2 sons (14 and 10) and chores are an ongoing challenge. My husband, bless his heart, has two jobs, so he isn't around much to help. Here's what helped me...

First, I had to let go the idea that my house had to be perfectly clean all the time. I strive for bathrooms once a week, vacuuming once a week, and clean dishes. General tidy is ok with me, although I live with a fair amount of clutter.

Second, we have a standing house rule that the boys cannot do their "fun stuff" until their chores are done. Period, no negotiations, that's it, baby. After each chore, they have to ask me what's next until I say they're done.

Why will your kids want to help out? One, they get a happy mom and we all know that if mom is happy, everyone is happy. Two, moms who aren't spending all their time tidying up, thanks to great family help, have more time for activities and special mom attention. If they don't help out, they get tired, grouchy mom and that's so not fun.

I've been really working this with my boys for the last five years or so and, while not perfect, it does work. We spend a couple hours each day (we're all on summer vacation from school...I teach) doing chores and the rest of the day playing. Once a week (thanks to obnoxious gas prices), we do an affordable "field trip." During school, the more we get done during the week, the more time we have for fun stuff on weekends.

I realize your kids are much younger than mine, but there are age appropriate chores. And there are ways to make it seem like a game. My best friend would make up sing-along songs for each chore and her girls loved that. It's hard--harder, I think, than doing it all yourself--but at least it's positive time with your kids, not screaming time.

Good luck to you and take care.

I am also the mother of 4 children who act just like yours when it comes to cleaning up. And I do get frustrated with the messiness if the house. I have found that if I make small goals for myself, like 'today I'm going to get my kitchen clean', then I don't get so overwhelmed. My children also seem to work better if I work with them. This way we are getting the chores done and spending time together at the same time. There have been times when I just haven't felt like doing my work, so I don't. I take a break and do something I want to do. After I've recharged it's easier to get the work done. Other times I've put off the work to spend time with the kids. The work will always be there but the kids won't. If you're consistant at getting the kids to clean up, it will get easier because the kids will know what's expected even if they don't like it. Good Luck!

First I want to say THANK YOU for asking this, I have felt this way many times with my three kids and thought that I was just not doing my parenting job! From the advice so far it sounds like you are not alone and either am I. I am trying the schedule thing, it has taken about two weeks and I am finally see some of the stsuff stick in the kids little heads! Basically EVERYTHING is taking twice as long, the cooking, laundry, setting and clearing the table, putting the toys away at specific times each day (before meals, and at bedtime/bathtime) but it is starting to show! Take about a month and REALLY calmly talk to each child and teach that child how and what he/she has to do. I started with my oldest (9) and now she does her part out of a habit with very little of me jumping at her, we are currently onto the the second (4) and he is clearing away his plates/cups and the before meal clean up of toys is getting there. In another week we will start with child #3 (3) and see where that leads us. I have found that not yelling is working better then the yelling (very hard for me to stop yelling but I think I am almost there) And that teaching only one kid at a time is making huge headway! I still did 90% fo the work for the other two will child #1 was being taught what her job in the family was and so forth per kid. I have also taken a look at the kids basic schedule and found at least ten mins a day to cuddle with each child; oldest is a night owl so her and I can sit together and read books or visit after her brothers get to bed. My baby is a morning person, so he and I love to hang in the morning over coffee and milk, the middle child seems to need the most cuddles right when we get home from daycare, so he and I sit with a snack and a cuddle. I was as miserable as you sound and knew that I had to make a change before the days had more stress then laughter and mom can NO longe be that overworked or no one will be happy! It takes time!! Prepare yourself that these changes are going to be FANTASTIC, but they are not going to be that way overnight. God bless and good luck to all of you!

You are not alone! I get this way sometimes and only have 2!!! Some things that have worked for me.....There is a website: www.flylady.net. It is about keeping your house clean and organized...15 minutes at a time! It has helped me a lot. I've worked to enlist the help of my hubby and kids to pick up after them selves: the kids have to put away what they play with before they move on to something else. The thing that has helped me the most is reorganizing my priorities: My family is #1, not the house. My kids are not going to remember that the sink was shining: they will remember the time we spend with them and the love we give them. When I get really frazzled and caught up in all the "have-tos" I make sure I spend little moments with my kids. It is so hard to balance, but you just have to keep working at it.

It sounds like you would like to change the emotional environment of your home but aren't sure how. If you believe in God, regular family prayer will add peace. It only takes a second to say, "I love you" - say it to your kids whenever you think of it. Lastly, smile! Practice smiling, and it will lead to laughter. Laugh with your children and you will be happy.

NOTHING! You are giving it your all with what sounds like help but only from the little ones.

I mean I make my 2 yr old have a chore chart and so do I. We try and get things done but if we dont there is always tomorrow.

Just remind your self of that.

Good luck.

Do not feel bad. We all have this problem. Just continue doing the best you can.
Lots of luck!
A

Check out www.flylady.net - don't beat yourself up! We all struggle with similar issues.

Let it be dirty!! Or make it a family project. You only get to grow your children once, you can clean for a lifetime.

Can you get someone to clean every other week? I do that for a friend of mine (she pays me of course) and it makes her life easier.

Tell your guests they can write in the dust but not to date it.

If you live in the San Diego area and want a housekeeper let me know. I am great at it and could use one more house.

Oh, C., you made me cry!

Lots of great responses (and more misting up from me).

I rely on Dr. Sears' great mantra of parenthood, "If you resent it, change it!"

The one thing I wanted to add was that my husband was 1 of 4, and the 4 kids had to rotate as Kitchen Helper every day. (I realize your 1-yr-old is too young right now, but in a year won't be.) Partly because it was a lot of work cooking for 6 all the time, but also as a way of getting some one-on-one time. Other benefits include getting your kids some cooking experience, and many will eat more enthusiastically in means they've helped make. It also helps show them how much background work goes into making a meal, from meal planning and shopping to cleaning up afterward.

For the youngest, "help with cooking" might mean mostly carrying stuff to the table, or just helping you dump measured amounts of ingredients into the pot. There are lots of books about cooking with kids...it's a creative act too, like art. So let them help you plan the meals on their help night, and find the ingredients at the store. I realize it's more time-consuming but the work has to be done anyway, so you might as well incorporate them into it.

Blessings and best wishes to you all!

I think what you're going through is noral, but needs to be dealt with. I have only 2 kids and it's kicking my butt. you need to get "you" restored, and the rest will fall into place. I'm working on just how to do that too. it's not easy, i understand. good luck!

You are not doing anything wrong. In fact you are in the vote as many of us. I have 3 small children myself and it is difficult to have "quality time" with each one every day, but I do tell them I love them constantly and that I appreciate them helping out with making their beds in addition to helping me with the youngest. Sometimes just so I am not upstairs by MYSELF folding laundry them downstairs watching tv or playing. I make it a group thing and we all fold laundry and tell jokes or do math or spelling games so the little one can learn too. Just hang in there it goes by really fast and believe me they know you love them even when you don't have time to brush your hair or theirs. They are very lucky they have a mommy who stays home.

I am a first time mom of a 4 month old so take my comment as only "food for thought" since I definitely cannot relate. However, have you thought about getting some help with the housework? Getting a maid to come in every couple of weeks may help to ease your mind and free up some of your time. Since I am an older mom, I got a maid so I could just concentrate on the challenges of a newborn and I really enjoyed the time I could spend with my baby. Everything I've read says "don't worry about the house" and you can do that to a certain extent but after a while, the house just has to get clean. There are also other things you may be able to get help with, you just have to figure that out. I think you just need to get some help where you can. Best of luck to you!

G. T.

I'm a mother of four too and often beat myself up on what I'm not getting done during the day. There simply isn't enough time in the day.

So my suggestion is to stop beating yourself up and what can't get done today will still be there tomorrow. You aren't doing anything wrong your just living the life that is yours and doing it to the best of your abilities. Once your realize that the rest will fall into place.

Remember there is only one of you and four of them of course you are going to feel overwhelmed at times. The fact that you care enough to want to do it all shows that your a great mom who wants the best for her kids.

Just give yourself a break and know that you are doing your best.

Oh my gosh, C.! I can see you got tons of great advice here . . . I just want to give you a hug! Hang in there, girl, and know that you can do this!

D.

C.,
I have read some of the responses and WOW.... what great advice!! I have 2 kids and my oldest is getting ready to leave for college on the East Coast (we are on the West Coast).... I just want to encourage you to enjoy your KIDS while you can. Before you know it you will be watching them graduate from High School and sending them off to college. I didn't know how fast it would go and I wish I would not have stressed so much about the house. My daughter is now going into High School and the house is still not perfect, but I want to enjoy them while they are still here this summer and go to the beach, go on weekend getaways and have fun.... The house will be clean some day! Just NOT today!!!!!

This is late; I'm responding after you wrote your follow-up, but I hope you'll see this. I just want to say thank you for being so brave to share this. I am so grateful to find out there is another mom with this same struggle. I was a teacher before and stay at home now and often times feel bad for not giving my boys as much time as I used to give other people's kids in my classroom or as much time as I give to cleaning my house. I know cleaning is an escape for me, so I get stuck in a loop of feeling guilty for cleaning instead of playing with them, then letting it go, then going nuts because the house is a disaster.

Anyway, thanks for sharing this. It helps!
:) Hope you're doing well.
Liz

I know I'm late but I just ran across this and I wanted to say that I'm so glad I'm not alone. I only have 2 children, ages 9 and 6 but I also have 2 dogs who also require my attention. Sometimes I feel like I get nothing done and that nobody wants to ever help me. I also feel guilty when I scream at my kids for not listening, or not helping me out enough with either the housework or the dogs. We are not bad parents. It's just that there is so much to do. The housework will always be there, it will never be done. As long as it's tidy, the main stuff can always wait. I always make sure that my kids are in bed by 8:00pm. This gives me the time to get stuff done before I go to bed. I also get up between 5:30-6:00 so I can try and do stuff. Or so I can just sit down with a cup of coffee and catch up on my email or read a little something before the day begins. I know we want our home perfect, but I have come to terms that it will never be perfect and as long as it looks decent and people aren't tripping over tons of stuff to get around then it's just fine. Our kids will be grown before we realize it and they will want to hang out with their friends more than us. I want to look back on this time and know that I made a good life for them. That they will remember the good times that we had instead of a crazy mother, screaming at them on a daily basis.