Thinking About Divorce

Good Luck! You're doing the right thing. I just left my 10 year marriage and I am sooo happy. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done, but you make it through the rough parts and a wonderful life awaits!

This is M. and well i know just what you mean and how you feel i have just went though the same thing and well let me just say that it is never eaisey and well my ex and i are on good terms as far as the three boys go and well that is about as good as can be. I can tell you that if you really feel that he is not helping and doing the best that he can well then why would you want to put you and the little one though that ? I know that it is a very hard thing to do and well i have to tell you the best thing to do is try talking to him and well you said that he refuses to go to marriage counsling and well it just sounds to me like he does not want to try and make it work. I hope you have good luck and if you would like to talk more about this to me then you can email me if you want. ____@____.com i hope to hear from you soon.

Oh girl, I know it's hard! You are NOT alone....I don't know one man who actually will willingly do housework. It definitly doesn't disqualify him from it though.
I have a question for you, Have you sat down with your man and had a heart to heart? Starting out something like this "I know it's harder now that we have a little one, but I'm seeing things aren't OK for you, can we talk about it??"
You need to make him feel safe. period. My husband shuts down and pushes me away when he feels threatened or rejected, could it be your husband feels you have all you need, now with your baby?? Having a child is a HUGE transition! After that much time being married without children the attention is now shifted away from your marriage and probably away from him. He needs you to be strong more than ever if YOU want this to work. Ok let me put it in these terms. It makes me think of two oxen working a field.....they would be tied to the same plow, if one slows down and pulls away, the other can do one of two things.
A. follow along and leave the field and job. or
B. The other stronger ox can keep the course and finish the job.
You and your husband are tied under one commitment and choice, to love each other until death, through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in strength and weakness..... he is pulling away (for whatever reason) you need to keep the object in mind....you love him, you choose to love him, you want it to work. That's enough to keep it going... Give him space and time, I truly believe it can all be solved by talking about it maturely. God bless, I hope what I said can help. T.

I am so sorry you are going through this and that your marriage has been so tough. I want to encourage you to not get a divorce and try to find ways to make it work. I have several family members who have divorced, and am a child of divorce myself. It does not benefit the child to divorce and you will still have to deal with your husband because you have a child together. I would be glad to talk with you over the phone to share more, but there is too much to be said just in a response. Feel free to email me and we can talk more if you wish.

K.
____@____.com

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. There are times like it seems forever and times where it seems like yesterday.

Marriage alone is hard - adding kids to the mix makes it WAY harder!! My guy and I went thru hard times - we do off and on. I went to see a counselor by myself.

When my oldest child was about 6 months old, I insisted that we go to counseling together. Not a bad plan, I think. But, if you do this, make sure you don't just close your eyes and point to pick a counselor. We went twice. Cost us like $80 each time. The chick spent all her time either 1) telling us how her relationship with her husband works or 2) asking me if I was sure my guy wasn't hitting me and/or having sex with my 6 month old daughter. Grand part of this story is he was there in the room the entire time. Oddly enough, he doesn't want to try counseling again - hmmmm.

Point is, if you can get him to go, make sure you research the counselor first.

Seems like you are getting some advise from many other mothers as well. I have to be real honest with you. If he says no to counseling then he is not committed to making it work. That is the bottom line. It takes two to make a marriage work and if you donot have someone who is willing then you can not make it work. You can settle, you can accept him for who he is. It is up to you and so so hard. You can continue this path and feel unworthy and unloved and as though all you do is unnoticed. That your needs are never important enough. I know there are those times where he does something here and there that reminds you why you love him. The thing is that it seems as though mainly on a day to day basis you are a mother of two. You take care of him as well and you get nothing in return. He goes out without you as though you are his mother rather than his partner. You deserve to be loved and to raise your son to treat a woman the way you would want to be treated. So start with you. Start to love you. Take care of you. Do not take care of you. If you are not being appreciated then you are not loving you by giving and giving without the balance of recieving. Divorce is so hard. It is no easier no matter what the age of the child is. If you feel that no matter what you do it is eventually end then I would go to a therapist as someone suggested and talk. Learn how to love you, how to respect yourself and how to know what you need and deserve. Good luck to you sweetie. I know it is hard and that when you just want it to work out to the point that your willing to stay just for the child's sake. Then you learn that you are teaching very poor habits to your son.
I am sorry you feel so spent out and that you are emptied to the place where you know that this relationship feels defeated. You are not alone. Remember that it is the hardest feeling ever to feel like no matter what you do it seems you are not able to make it work. It takes two. I would talk with someone like suggested. This way if you leave then you leave feeling you gave your all. You feel you tried all you could. Then there is the up side possibility that it may help it may work.

L.,

I was in a similar situation and which my soon to be ex-husband was not an involved father or husband. There were some other factors (drinking etc) and I simply decided that my daughter and myself deserved better. I am a role model for my daughter and how she views mommy being treated is how she will expect to be treated when she gets older. I decided that she wasn't going to experience that.

We left approx 7 months ago. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy and he is fighting me every step of the way on several issues. But, I don't regret my decision. My daughter is thriving. I am happier and therefore a much better mommy and role model for my daughter.

My marriage hadn't been great for awhile and the drinking was the deal breaker. I thought about it for over a year before I left and I also tried the counseling route and he refused.

Whatever you decide, remember, you are deciding for you and your child. Being a positive role model is very important for the both of you. You may want to consider counseling for yourself. This helped me be able to separate the emotion from the reality and helped me find my inner strength to do what was necessary.

My ex and I are not on good terms. However, both my counselor and atty have advised that time is what helps the situation along with a dose of patience is perserverance. Remember, you can't change him or control him. You can only change and control yourself and how you react.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide. Please keep in contact and let me know how you are doing.

L.

Hi L.,
Although I wasn't married to the father of my first son, we had a very rocky relationship, and in the end we split. I also wondered if staying together for our son's sake would be the best for my son. I found out that it's not in the best intrest of my son to always see his mommy and daddy argue and fight all the time. As well as always seeing his daddy go out all the time without us. My son's father would very very seldom would do anything around the house or help with our son too. It was all up to me to keep up on the house and my son. When my son was 18 months old, I choose to end the relationship with his father and leave with my son. After the split his father and I couldn't communicate only because he was and still is to some extent a selffish man. It took years before we could communicate effectively without the courts to mediate our situation. My oldest son is 8 years old now, and has come out of the split very good since he was two young to remember anything that happened. It has taken my ex pretty much 7 years to grow up a little and not be so selffish and think of whats best for our son and not just what he wants. I believe I made the right decision for me and my son by leaving his father since he was unwillilng to change and wouldn't go to counsiling either. I am now with a great man who we have 1 son together and he helps me raise my 8 yr old as well. My oldest son adores my new fiance and has much respect for him, even though my son's father is in California and very rarely spends time or calls my son unless it's his court appointed time to visit. my son isn't lacking in anything because he gets what he needs from my fiance. I do believe in marriage and fighting to keep my marriage alive and prosperous. I do realize that if only one of you is willing to make things work, that can be a very big challenge and problem. Since I have become a Christian back in 2003, I go before God and ask Him what I should do, and start praying and speaking over my situation. This has been such a blessing to my relationship now with my new fiance. At first we had some issues to get over about what I expected from him and what he expected from me. During that time we had some heated and intense fellowship. But because we prayed and went before God to correct the other person. The changes in both of us made our relationship so much stronger and now we are able to move foward with our marriage. If only I knew how I could go before God to correct me and my ex when we was going through the roughest relationship I had ever been in, we may have been able to at least communicate effectively for our son's sake when we did split. Even though it took 7 years and my ex being jealous of my new fiance and going through the issues of my ex dealing with another man being present in his son's life and basically taken over his job of being a good father since my ex was hardly ever present for anything involving his son. It was worth the struggle and to see the smile on my son's face when his dad came to recently visit him outside of the court visitation and surprise him on his birthday. I hope this eases your mind, and I wish the best for you and your family whatever decision you make, I pray that it will be the right one without strife entering into the situation anymore than it has.

S.

I was in teh same position as you ladies. WE were going to get a divorec. Neither one of us were happy and we wanted to do different things. I would have been a single mom of 23 with 2 boys, 3 1/2 and 10mo. I read a book that helped me alot and I also opened the communication up between me and my husband. So far things seem to be going really well. It's not a cake walk by any means, but we have found a middle ground and are bother fairly happy with one another.

The book is called "created to be his Help Meet," by Debbie Pearl. Beast of luck to you on your decision... God Bless.

When my daughter was about 16 months old, I felt the same way as you. My then husband, was not helpful with our daughter and I felt like a single parent. Because he was emotionally-unavailable (to me) and I could see him being that way towards a baby he couldn't relate to....I decided I could definitely do better for both of us! So, we divorced. Actually, it was the best decision for the three of us. He learned how to care for her (on the weekends when he had her - he had to!) and
I gained a great deal of self-confidence for acting on what I knew was right. My daughter (now 8) and my ex-husband and I are great friends without all the bagage that we once had together. Now, with my new husband (of 6 years) we all three parent with friendship towards each other...and raise our daughter with a lot of love. Sometimes, it takes a village to raise a child, or in our case....three parents who have definitely grown out of our experience together.

Best of luck to you as you gain the courage to follow your own heart!

Think twice, 3 x's even...it is horrible to go thru. And hate to be crass, but if you do it...guys can all of a sudden get interested in the children, treat you like you are the worst mom on the planet, and all of a sudden be suzy housekeeper wanting all sorts of time with the kid, ...and yes, child support. You are working, ...you may get stiffed for alimony too.

So, he may be a jerk, or maybe you can work things out.
Look at the reality of the end result.

Is it going to be better in the end?

If it just the housekeeping,..hire someone, and let him eat hot dogs instead of steak.

The child is his too, maybe you ought to go out with the girls and leave him with your son.

Counseling..seldom works from what I have seen. It may help you unload, and not worry about things getting back to him via the grapevine.

All I know is if you let someone walk all over you, they will continue to do it.

I would not say anything mean to him...be loving...but give him consequences to actions or lack thereof.

You may just be surprised that he gets the hint.

Also...not to give legal advice, but I'd stay married and just leave, (..unless you own a home together)... and wait for him to get on his feet before filing, so he can show that he can take care of his bills, and you establish primary household that your son is used to...or just wait til he files. Make him make the effort, and from I have heard, the one that is not the petitioner has better end results.

Big thing too COURT COSTS(possibly his too)...indifferent psyhologists, and judges that are looking at docket to see what is next. You will be turning your life and your son's to the courts, and everytime you want to make a change, your ex can drag his feet thru the molasses of the courts keeping your life in limbo.

And then again...maybe you both just need QUALITY time together before things spin out of control and can not be repaired.
As others have said too, take time for you, no matter what.

Good luck..life is not always pretty, and what looks like a solution, may be worse than you can imagine.

I learned too late.I think I would still ended up divorced, but I think I would have taken different approach. Taken things more into my own hands and done more to have life/support of my own with not even bringing him into those parts of my life.

You may want to read:
Mom's house Dad's House

and other books on single and co-parenting

Hi L.,

Marriage is soo hard. I have only been married for 5 years and it seems like much longer. My only advise before making a final decision about divorcing your husband would be to go to a counseler by yourself and talk to them about what's going on and maybe get some advise on how to handle it and go from there. Sometimes talking to someone outside of the marriage helps and maybe someone who deals with marriage counseling might have some helpful advise on how to handle your situation. I wish I had more advise for you. I hope it all works out. Hang in there and feel free to contact me if you want to talk. Best wishes.

T.

Hi L.,

I have seen that you have gotten many varying responses to your posting and I just wanted to comment to you that I am in sort of a similar situation in that my husband and I have contemplated divorce, threatened it to each other during some of our fights with one another,, and when we first had gotten married we promised to one anotehr that no matter what we would not could not get a divorce or even mention the word.. MY husband and I have been married now for 4 1/2 years with a 16month old son, and are contemplating another child but dont think its such teh right timeing with all this marriage difficulty that we are having,,
Sorry I dont think i am helping you any,, just venting ,, and sharing my thoughts on your post and my marriage..

I hope the best for your,, whatever you choose to do, Think about it and pray about it,, I hope things work out for you and your family for the better,, whatever that may be..

M.

L. I was with my hubby of almaost 20 yrs I got with him at 15 we have 3 kids 1 boy and 2 girls he was a wonderful father but verbally and physically abusive to me I stayed way too long but now we have been divorced for 2 1/2 yrs he isnt a good father any more I left him so my kids would be spared but now I feel selfish my kids had a great dad but now he has a new life one he dont share with them please make the right choice and think it through very careful go with your heart mabey a trial separation good luck...A.

I know what you are going thru. I am considering the same thing! i am just scared to death because i have a 5yr old boy and 18mth old twin girls. I am working FT and hubby hasnt worked in 18mths! cuz of a stupid injury that he got wrestling with our son. I have told my hubby over and over to get a frickin job and he's making excuses left and right. the other prob is, he doesnt clean the house, barely makes dinner, I barely make enuf money to pay all the bills and groceries and sometimes come up short all together. I am scared cuz how am I going to pay for day care and work? and if i kick him out..how is he gonna pay child support? I could use some advice too...best of luck, I know we both need it!

C.

The best advice I have ever gotten was from an older friend of mine, like 20 years older, and married for a long time with very difficult issues. It was: Find one thing about your husband that you do like and TELL HIM, once a day. I know this seems hard and difficult when you have needs that feel unnoticed. But I was in the same place and it is amazing how much it changed our relationship. I decided that I would make a huge effort to treat my husband the way I wanted to be treated, and that opened the door for discussion, not arguing, and now we are more in love than we when we were first married.
Adding children adds a whole new level of work, but it is well worth it. I don't know what you've tried or how your relationship is, but I hope you continue the effort to rejuvinate it. I wish you all the best