Theres No Way I Can Fix This So Why Dont I Let It Go? Inlaws

I don't really have a solution for you but I can emphasize.
My father is terminally ill and will not be around too much longer.
He wasn't the best father growing up and then did something that really set my brother off as he was living with him in the past.
They got into a huge fight saying all kinds of nasty things to each other and I had to offer for my father to come move closer to me.
My brother and I don't live in the same state.
Anyway, here is my father not knowing how much longer he has to live and my brother won't forgive him.
Now on top of that he has even stopped talking to me or my sister because we are helping dad out!
I have tried to talk to him to let him know he is going to be gone someday soon and way down the road he is going to regret all of this.
My father has repeatedly emailed him and told him he was sorry and to please forgive him.
Nothing we do works so I do know family disputes stink and sometimes one is just stubborn and no matter what you say it won't matter.

This is so confusing trying to comprehend who's who. Let me try this. Your hubby's sister and paternal grammy don't get along. Right? Does your SIL blame her dad for the breakup of her parents? Or does she maybe resemble the ex mom to grammy?
Basically, no you can't fix it. Maybe your hubby could encourage both of them to grow up and resolve this while they're still alive. I never got to know my dad's parents as they were both dead before I was even a glimmer in dad's eye!
Is your father inlaw still around? Maybe he could encourage them both. Sounds like there are issues in accountability that have never been healed. But this is your hubby's family and you might want to be a peacemaker, but it doesn't always work. From personal experience it doesn't always work! If the two are visiting you for the holiday, I would actually put in a contingency clause that if they don't resolve their quarrel, they will not be admitted into your house for Christmas. No one needs that hostility on such a joyful and blessed day. That might sound contradictory to the holiday, but why should your and hubby's day be spoiled by their toxicity?

I don't think you can do anything. You can't control others, only yourself.

I wish people would get over waiting for an apology that they most likely don't deserve. Is it more important to be right, or to have family? Your SIL must be a very sad, angry individual.

Molly, here's a way to look at it - see if it helps. Your 95 year old grandma who is not really "with you" anymore can no longer be hurt by your SIL and her own choice to cause a problem with her regarding the wedding. The person who will live with this for the rest of her life is your SIL. She is the one who can do something about this before your grandma dies - no one else. Certainly not you.

If you want to try to talk to her about it, that's one thing. If you think she will punish you because you tried, then don't. If she tries to punish you, then it's her guilty conscience talking. Don't let this be your guilty conscience, because you aren't the one who has done this thing.

Dawn

My uncle and my mom had a parting over stupid stuff. Both were wrong, both were right, neither could admit the other had some valid points. It went on for 18 years, crazy I know. Once in a while I would try to get my mom to make the first move, once in a while my cousin would try to get her dad to make the first move.

After a few years I just accepted it was their issue and continued the same relationship I had with my uncle and my mom. Which really pissed my mom off. I told her clearly I can't control you so maybe you need to accept you can't control me. And so it went on...

They finally made up some years later. Then a year later my uncle died and my mom was in the later stages of Altzheimers. What a waste!!!

All I can say is try enough that it doesn't drive you crazy but continue you life as if it doesn't exist. The only part that sucked in my life is our whole family, so far as our big family gatherings go, fell apart because of it. A lot of great family memories were never made. Again, what a waste!!

Not much you can do, as you know already its there issue. You can make a concerted effort to mention it to each to do a little more to see each other but if your SIL feels so strongly she may have more issues with Grandma than you know about. Seems a silly thing to be so mad about but then we all have our quirks.
I lost my mom when my oldest was 9 months, she never knew my other 2. That is so hard. I still have my dad but he is a no show grandpa at best, he has gone on to get a new lady in his life and as far as he is concerned her family is his only family now. Even though my mom passed at 60, with 4 grown adult children and 9 grand children, he feels we dont exist most often. I try my best though to take my kids there and invite him and his entire second family here. I am trying not to let it make me sad but occasionally I get teary and emotional. My husbands family is in India. My 4 and 2 got to go there with dad for a month and got spoiled ROTTEN by baba and mama. We talk to them weekly via skype and I feel they know there paternal grandparents better more than the grandpa that lives an hour from here. We are planning another trip soon for India, and then the next year they are coming to stay for a few months.

Why not sit down with the SIL and tell her what you just told us? Yes grandma was in the wrong, but she has tried to make amends. Let her know how you feel given that your kids can't know your grandma and they have this opportunity that they are blowing. If the SIL blows you off, tells you it's none of your business, then back off. At least you tried to help repair the family. When grandma passes, and the SIL is left with guilt because of unresolved issues, it's on her.

I think you should tell your SIL to suck it up and call her grandma! I think you should tell her to think about how she will feel when grandma is gone. I know she must love her grandma and once grandma is gone, she will feel awful if she has gone three years without speaking to her and telling her that she loves her. Making peace with grandma and enjoying time with her and seeing her bond with her baby is much more powerful than any argument they may have had. You need to encourage your SIL!

You can pray for them for sure. Since it is causing such an uproar...affecting the whole family, if I were you I would call her and tell her to swallow her pride, forgive grandma for whatever it is and mend the fences. Your SIL is being selfish and immature. She needs to be reminded that grandma won't be around forever...how would SHE feel if she were grandma? Do unto others....???

Molly,
If you are religious, pray for a change in your SIL's heart.

As for the comparison between that situation & you & ytour grandma--I know EXACTLY what you mean. My MIL and FIL fight like cats and dogs, talk each other down, insult each other and then I look at my mom, who would give her right arm to have another week with my SD, who will be gone 5 years this month. Grrrrrrr.....makes my blood boil.

Maybe you SHOULD express something to your SIL, something nice but straight to the point, like:
"I wish I could talk to my grandma, she doesn't even know me now. I wouldn't waste O. day on any hard feelings, I'd enjoy her."

Maybe, just maybe, she'll connect the dots!
Hope so!

I can't really see anyway of you fixing it. You can't force anyone to see things the way you do. It is sad that the grandma reached out and she refused her. She will regret it later on in life, but that’s her own doing.
Does your husband have a relationship with her (his grandma)? Maybe he can talk to your SIL and see if she would be willing to forgive and forget.