The Worst Year of My Life...

I know what you are going through. I am divorced, my ex can't afford to get caught up in child support & we have 5 kids together (I have a total of 6 kids) I brought my parents out to help me w/ the baby who is now 3yr old. You are just going to have to hang in there. No matter how you feel You 2 love each other & this is a trial for everyone. When I was married (15 yr. long & my divorce was on my 15 yr anniv.) We went to United Way. Great place. You will have to go there, but they were worth it.

You are going to have to start believing things will get better. You have not hit rock bottom, yet. You have each other.

If you had the time, money and health to do anything you wanted, what would you do? To me, owning my life means having the time, money and health to do what is most important to me. I know a simple system that anyone can learn for building a successful home-based business that requires no selling and doesn't take a lot of time. If you are interested in more information feel free to contact me.

I'm so sorry sweetie. As a binge eater who is trying to get a handle on her own eating, I have a lot of information. There are several things that can cause this kind of eating, and you may have more than one. Stress and the emotions you are having to deal with can cause emotional eating. When I'm upset, I do the same thing. I have to work really hard to resist. You may be repressing some of those emotions (I have a problem dealing with anger, I repress it for years if I'm not careful) acknowledging those emotions seems to help some.
You are very likely sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation can cause weight gain and cravings. Fish oil can help with the sex drive. It's not very expensive and it makes a huge difference.
I suggest that you also try to be more forgiving and accepting of yourself. If you don't think you are beautiful, no one else will. You are beautiful. Old navy online has clothes for plus sizes on sale. I saw a dress for less than $10. Buy a pretty dress (call it Christmas, or birthday present) get your makeup on and do your hair. Then have a little romance with your husband. Be confident. Don't worry about being naked. Remember, you are beautiful.
E.

ML,
I completely understand your feeling of the worst year of your life. Things usually have to get worse before they get better. But, that's not a shining light. I'd like to try to help. I noticed that you said your husband is in construction. I'd like more information about that. What kind of construction does he do? What is he skilled in?
My boyfriend owns both a remodel company & a roofing company & though the economy is bad he is still mangaging to get work. It may not help much but depending on what your husband is skilled in, I could work on getting your husband some hours so that you would have a little extra income. It doesn't provide health care but I know from experience that every little bit helps. Please get back in contact with me..
C.

I am so sorry to hear about your year. My husband has been out of work for 9 months. I was out of work since May, got a job in November, but just heard today that my last day will be Jan. 7th. These are hard times, indeed. I just keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.

I am so happy that you have a new baby to bring you fresh joy. Every time a negative, depressing thought comes to mind, immediately replace it with a positive thought. I know how often the depressing thoughts can come! It is easy to dwell on the negatives, but I am getting better at replacing those negative thoughts.

Also, I read that someone did a survey once of hundreds of men and every single one said that they prefer their wife to some other model or actress because it was the love and respect of their wife that they want the most. I'm sure you married a decent man and he misses being intimate with you. It's not what you look like, but how you treat your husband. Be sure to tell him how much you appreciate him being willing to stay home and take care of things at home. I tell my husband that we are doing okay because he has been a good provider for all these years and that I know he will be hired soon. He needs to know that I love him and respect him even though he isn't bringing in a paycheck. He has had times when he gets depressed but I continue to tell him what I appreciate about him. I love it when he cleans and especially when he makes dinner (I don't enjoy cooking.) When you feel like you are just passing in the night, make sure that the "pass" is an affectionate one. He needs to know that you want to be intimate with him and that you haven't lost your desire because he isn't working. That is probably his biggest fear right now. Men need to know that we are attracted to them.

Don't look in the mirror if you can help it. Just start today eating better. Instead of depriving yourself of something unhealthy, just go ahead and have a little tiny piece. Then you won't be tempted to binge. Go online and look up healthy menus and find some new recipes. Get your endorphins going by taking the kids out for a walk in their stroller. Enjoy our beautiful weather here and see the joy in your kids as they see the world outside. Ask your husband to join you.

You can make things better! You can rekindle the fire between you and your husband. You can start eating better and walking more - ask your husband to help you. If you give him specifics, he will be happy to assist. Work together - that's what marriage is all about. Some day you will look back on these days and feel so victorious that you survived the storm. Your marriage will be so much stronger and you will all be so much happier.

I am excited that you reached out for help and that you have the chance to improve your life. There will be peaks and valleys, but with your family by your side, you will be able to do it. You have so much to live for! God bless you!

you are SO not alone. I found a post-partum support group to be REALLY great, if you can't go because of work, see if your hubby can go. Kids are welcome and they have someone there to keep an eyeball on them while you talk. Surrounding yourself with supportive people can make such a difference in hard times.

Chandler Regional Hospital - Groups meet in the Morrison Building
(next to Chandler Regional Hospital) 1875 W. Frye Road, Chandler, AZ. 85224
• Postpartum Support Group - Every Wed. at 1:00pm-2:30pm
• Breastfeeding Support Group - Every Wed. 11am-12:30pm
• New Mom Support Group - 1st & 3rd Tuesday, 10am-11:30pm
Mercy Gilbert Medical Center - 355 S. Val Vista Dr., Gilbert, AZ 85297
• Postpartum Support Group - Every Mon. at 6:00pm-7:30pm
• Breastfeeding Support Group - Every Friday, 10am-11:30am
• New Mom Support Group - 2nd & 4th Sat., 10:30am-12:00pm

Hi M L,

I bet you are really attractive, but the way you feel on the inside is making you not see your natural beauty, both inside and out. I know that you will get out of this, one way or another, and that when you do, if you want to lose that extra weight, you'll manage fine. I don't have your troubles (only one kid and no financial worries), and I, too, am gaining weight and have little or no sex drive. Eating is one of the few things that I have been able to do really for myself, at any time of day! I, too, am still breastfeeding and I understand that often lowers libido.

Stick in there, and I really hope you've found a good buddy to go for stroller walks with and talk out some of that horrible stress you're under!

I'm in the Foothills in Tucson, if you like coming to La Encantada, let me know and we can meet up!

This has been very helpful to me through the years. http://www.fhu.com/meditation-downloads.html
God Bless you.

I am so sorry you are having a bad year. The antidepressents create a low sex drive, so you have to weigh the advantages and disadvantages on that one. But it sounds like it is not helping. You have a difficult schedule right now and your health is suffering because of it. I notice with myself that when I don't eat right and don't exercise that my outlook suffers. Try to get back into the exercise routine slowly. Try once per week and do whatever you like: walking, exercise video, etc. Start slow and do 20-30 minutes and I would recommend before work, take a shower, then go to work. Then in a month, increase to two times per week and slowly increase the workout length of time. It is all in the mind and you have to committ to changing. The only way I loose weight is by recording my calories and I try to do 1500 per day and I write it all down in a notebook. You can look on www.calorieking.com for numbers of calories (it is free). If you cannot diet and exercise right now, just start with diet - you will feel much better. Breast feeding does increase appetite, so that is normal, but eating lots of sweets will increase depression. I try to get everything ready after I go grocery shopping (cut up vegetables, wash lettuce for salads, etc.), so during the week, I can just grab things and not have to prepare so much. Please hang in there and this is a temporary situation,so it won't last forever. Try to schedule 20 minutes per day to cuddle and talk with your husband - that will make a difference in feeling loved and connected.

You are NOT alone. Believe me - we have all had our ups and downs, some worse than others...I feel sorry for myself all the time and have a pity party every so often - then I pick myself up and think of the things I am grateful for. There are many around who do not have a job - you at least are able to provide until your husband finds something else. You at least have access to food stamps - your kids are eating. It is hard when you do not have supportive friends...I am so sorry they have turned away from you. Do you belong to a church group? maybe look into that avenue - I know I have a great group of friends I found through church...I moved here a little over a year ago and have found a wonderful group of women who I feel comfortable talking to. I also suffer from depression - it is an ongoing fight for me and I was taking Zoloft also. I gained quite a bit of weight when I was on it and asked the doctor why - he told me that Zoloft is a "Happy" pill and that it will help make my mood lighter and increase my appetite...that was the reason for the weight increase. See if you can go on another drug - I went on another one after discontinuing the Zoloft - I can't for the life remember what it was as I have been off anti-depressants for a couple years now...but that could be why you are having trouble with your weight. I know it is hard - keep looking up - it isn't easy..but you can look around and see others who are struggling also and be thankful for what you have.

Dearest dear M L,
I can understand your feelings & that you feel very overwhelmed, I am sure. You probably are younger than older =D and have a lot on your plate.
So many people fear the taking of any prescibed drug is SOOOOO bad or that that must mean you are mental or crazy or whatever..so not true. Especially nowadays..not that they have a pill for everything, but they can narrow your symptoms with the most effective-less side effects drug to help you. Zoloft is a milder drug to take. The sex drive may be a side effect and you can look online to find out who high a % of people do. OR you may something else..hormone imbalance?..etc..you can be prescibed something else that may help more.
Try Magellen (sp?) aka the "new" Value Options that is a service for the poor to receive the services for free/low cost evals, prescribed drugs,counseling,monitoring etc monthly. If you had a bad experience or had a issue with a paticular person/doctor etc..ask to see someone else for personal reasons..they wont care and probably wont remember after time goes by.
Make time set out each week to do something nice for each other. Ex: If he likes the feet rubbed and you LOVE the bubble bath ran and your 1 hour soak of relaxation are what you like - do them for each other on a set time each week. Everyone can do something to change for better. Your hard times are no new news to any of us..we all are or have been there I can only assume..and you guys need to see that "this too shall pass" it WILL get better. The hard times should make you stronger. If you are falling apart now when it gets rough..think about how important that relationship is for you to keep. Find the little things that are making you get through today.
Thank God you CAN still physically work.. and have and can do a night job at that..with 3 young kids to take up more time than you have in any 24 hr day..=) =) Look at it that way maybe.
Maybe a playgroup with the same kids/ages would be helpful so you can get a "support system" of people who are dealing with the same trials and tribulations and WHAT WORKS FOR THEM that may help you.
Email me if you wanna vent or discuss more.
God luck to you. =)

I feel very badly for you. It sounds like a very hard year. Unfortunately some are worse than others. I can offer this for you to try. Have you looked into the WIC Program to help supplement food needs? It's a great program. Also, do you belong to a church? Talking to a minister can be a great help in times like you are going through. God is always there to listen, even when it feels that He is not. Hang in there. Try to exercise when you can, watch the sugars, they are horrible for moods. Do you work with anyone who is trying to lose weight also. Try to go for walks with your husband and kids. Sorry this is all I can offer. I'm the mother of 4, ages 15 - 7. My husband was in the military and we had a lot of separations. It is very hard when they are small, no matter how wonderful they are. Take a deep breath. Hang in there. We are here for you!

I am a certified personal trainer and a mother of 3 boys. I understand how hard it can be to find time to take care of yourself when everyone else is demanding your time. I would be willing to help you free of charge. We could meet at a park and exercise with the kids in a stroller. If you are interested email me or call me at ###-###-####.

There is a lot pulling on your life right now, it is only normal for you to feel down about all that is going on.

It sounds like a number of things do need attention, but try to look at one thing at a time and make positive choices in one area a little at a time rather than to look at it all and be overwhelmed by the impossibilities.

I think most importantly is to be able to have some time with your husband. If you can talk through your concerns, fears and bond together through this it will impact so many areas of your life. You both need each other and are going through the same thing, gain strength through that.

Christian churches offer free counseling and can be a great way to gain support through this time. When I go through tough times, I know God, creator of the universe and lover of my soul, is able to bring peace that I can't get on my own. I don't know where you live, but if you need a recommendation, I could probably give you one for your area.

MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) is also a great resource. It is designed just for you and other moms overwhelmed with young babies and toddlers.

As hard as it is, realize this is a season and you will not be there forever. Your babies will grow up, your emotions will change, your finances will recover.

i am so sorry for your situation. our family ahs also had some really hard times. but we have been gien the opportuity to see others that are worse off than we are and it helps. it seems like the end of the world. at least you still have each other and you need to make and effort to keep it that way. i know its hard with nursing and stuff but you need to see that it takes time to lose baby fat after the second child its even harder. at least you dont have to buy formula. i too ballooned bafer my second child and i was going through a divorce which didnt help. i divorced and moved to another town where i knew no body and i gained even more weight. i couldnt go on eating binges because i didnt qualify for food stamps cause ihad a 10 yr old car that barely ran. i was making about 300 a month as a wiatress. we made it though. i finally got out my depression and lost a lot of weight in two years i went form 179 to 104 today. a lot of it had to do with health problems but it made me learn to eat better. anytime i feel like i have to eat something i drink a glass of water slowly. il send you my email in a private message so i can sent you what i eat if you wnat some tips. the oloft has to do with the decreased sex drive but it usually goes away after a while when it gets to an acceptable level. but i think most of it is the depression itself. actually achhs has better menatl ehalth coverage than private insurance. my sister and her husband also lost their consturction business, they lost their home and thankfully had a rental. now they hae also lost the rental and she is the only one working also. i am helping them move this weekend. her son, my nephew was diagnosed with mulitple brain tumors right after they lost the first house. but they are still together and they are tyring their hardest to make it. this christmas the only gift my nephew got was what we gave him. i gave my sister money but she wouldnt take it so i bought a frys gift card and she took that. i didnt get anything for her husband because he wont just take any job, it has to be a high bpaying job and he has no skills other than his contractors licene that he is about to lose because they ran out of money on some of the builds. he jsut stays home and naps or watches tv

Since you can't afford weight watchers you can try thedailyplate.com. It has the tools to keep track of your calories, exercise, and groups to join that can offer support. I really like the group free and practical advise. I have taken Zoloft and it was very helpful for me. Good luck.

First of all I just want to say I am so sorry to hear about the extremely difficult time you are having. You are facing many many obstacles and it is not surprise you are finding solace in food. I wish I knew the perfect piece of advice to give besides all the typical words of wisdom. I guess I would say first of all give yourself freedom to feel like &$(#&#(! Often I find overeating is a reaction to guilt - not letting yourself fully experience the emotion you are undergoing. Fully plunge into the despair you feel - write about it, cry about it, throw things, fully go to what I call pity city - no guilt attached. Maybe bring your husband along too to help him deal with the stress and negative feelings he is surely experiencing. Stay there as long as you need fully embracing all that you are feeling - maybe an hour, maybe a couple days, maybe even a couple weeks. Then once you get it all out - it is easier to come out of it with a fresh mind. I feel so often we deny our emotions and they come out in other destructive way such as overeating. Sometimes even with the responsibilities we have at hand (raising two children, working, etc.) we have to go inwards to heal and then we can come back out of ourselves refreshed and ready to move forward facing the obstacles at hand.
Whatever you do - know you are not alone and you will feel better!
xxoo

I wish there was something tangible I could offer that would help you. I can only offer some encouragement. My husband lost his job the beginning of this year and was out of work for 5 months. It was the most stressful time of our life together. We also went through the process of obtaining food stamps and ACCHSS (that process is truly humbling and emasculating for everyone!)and though it was hard to swallow that pill, it really saved us from loads of debt and we had to remember that those programs are in place for those who are in need and we needed it. I guess my advice is just to use them wisely and appreciate it. It's hard to see our husbands suffering from feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment, and equally hard to continue encouraging them and loving them without ever showing criticism or frustration about the situation, which they take very personally. Looking back, I would have held my tongue more. But being perpetually positive is exhausting without some help. I couldn't have done it without turning to our Heavenly Father constantly and seeking his support. I also think a physical outlet is necessary to let loose stress, and BOTH of you need it, separately. I walked and listened to loud music and had access to a pool. My husband didn't try this much, but I think it would have helped him if he had. Maybe if you try something small, like walking, it will help your mood and your feelings of self-esteem that are tied to your weight. Don't forget to date each other, as stupid as that sounds. It helps to feel like you are lovers sometimes, and not just team players. I know it seems limiting when there is no money to spend, but there are lots of free things to do if you look for them. Swap babysitting so it's free. Also, I think you are amazing for taking a job - that's rough when you have small kids, and the given situation. Maybe think about quitting so your husband has more time to look for work and it could also help his feelings of inferiority. I know it seems impossible without the income you make, but if it helps him find good work more quickly it could be better off for both of you. I wish you the very best, I really do. I have an inkling of an idea of what you are going through, and I wouldn't want to do it again! But, it was also a time of learning and growing and seeing the hand of God in our lives. Maybe there will be some good from it. I'm sorry I don't have any help for you as far as depression and counseling, but keep seeking help - you will find it!

Realize the stressors you're facing and take it easy on yourself. Nurture yourself the same way you would your best friend. Don't feel guilty about taking an anti-depressant. Sometimes that's what it takes to get over the hump, or slump as the case maybe, :) - especially when you're still dealing with hormone aftermath. It's still important to pursue counseling. If that agency is the only one available, be honest with them about what didn't work before, and what you need. It seems you know from past experience how to eat right and exercise. It also seems you and your husband are still there for each other, so if you're not feeling amorous, acknowledge your heart connection, continue nurturing each other and showing affection and know that it WILL get better, that you're in a temporary situation.
Meanwhile... spend some time EVERY day writing down what you are grateful for. This has worked wonders in my life and others I know who practice it. You could even keep a separate gratitude journal where you and your husband share what you appreciate about each other. Every little thing counts. Try to come up with at least 5 a day. And look back over them frequently.
Every morning, the first time you look in a mirror, pause to look into your own eyes with real Love and say, "I have arrived, I love you". Keep at it until you can see your eyes shine. When you put on lotion, comb your hair, etc., do it consciously with the same love and tenderness you do for your babies.
Watch funny movies, AFV, your kids, whatever makes you laugh. Avoid any heavy, gloomy shows or books, the news, even romance novels or love story movies can be depressing.
I feel for you and will pray for you... know in your heart you'll get through this.

Blessings to you!
I hear your desperation and I know first hand what it feels like to have no outside support, no self esteem and feelings of no way out!
Please find anything at all to be grateful for.............
It sounds like your husband is truly a great guy. Thank God for him! Thank God that your children are healthy and well. Know in your heart that help is on its way.....you found the courage to ask for help, and when you ask, you are answered!
Write down all the things in your life you are grateful for!
During the day, when you get a negative thought, replace it with, "Cancel that thought, I am so grateful for having the ability to walk (or what ever you are grateful for)."
This little tweak in thinking will have you pulled out of your lower vibration and then you will find new ways of pulling yourself out even further! Stay hopefull and thank God all the time for life changing for the better!
Love,
R.

I hope I can offer a little advice that might help. First, I can completely relate to having "2 under 2" as my kids are just 18 months apart. It IS hard, and I just want to tell you that it really does get easier! Mine are now almost 5 and 3 1/2, so we've already been through those tough first few years. As much as I love and enjoy my kids, those were THE toughest few years of my life. I also turned to food as my comfort and gained about 20 pounds by the time my youngest was 6 months old (on top of the 20 pounds I had gained and not lost over the 2 pregnancies). I truly had a binging problem, and would eat anything and everything I could get my hands on as long as it was full of fat and/or sugar. I feel like I've been on a long road to recovery, and I'm still dealing with some health issues that may very well have developed because of the way I treated myself. I can finally say that I've "recovered" from that way of live, and just want to emphasize -- it is SO important that you eat well to cope with your current financial and other stresses. I cannot stress it enough - If you eat really well and just put the brakes on junk food entirely, it will make more of a difference than you can imagine. Your entire outlook will change and you'll be much more able to cope. I know when I eat a junky diet, I have no patience with my kids and no motivation to get things done, which just adds so much more stress to the whole situation. Eating poorly sets off a chain reaction of vicious cycles that can be very hard to break. PLEASE if you'd like to discuss or feel you need more support, you can contact me via. I regret so much from my poor decisions, and I SO understand where you're at with respect to the binging and stress of dealing with 2 under 2. I've learned so much over the past year or two from experience and various things I've read. If I'd had more of an understanding a few years ago of what I was doing to myself and my family when I binged and didn't control my diet, maybe I wouldn't have gone so far down that dark road. I really wish you all the best. I know financially it must be very hard, but if you arm yourself with good nutrition you will be amazed how much easier and brighter your life will feel!
--S.

So far it's the worst year of your life... and I am sooo sorry you are going through this! Have you talked to your husband about the way you feel> including the sexual and feeling unsexy to him part? The only way for a relationship to continue growing is to NOT suffer alone and share your thoughts! I bet you will be surprised by his answers and the communication (both talking) will strengthen not only your relationship but, your own mind. Having someone to talk to (as long as you both can) is the greatest help to getting over the bumps in life! Good luck to you and I really hope this new year will be a happier one for you and your family!

Hi there,
Sounds like your situation is pretty complicated and I won't even pretend to know what you are going through . . . financial stress takes such a toll on everything else, doesn't it.

I just wanted to send you a quick note, because a few things you said made me think of something (no sex drive, sugar cravings, belly fat and gaining weight). I know for me, overeating and gaining weight is such an emotional thing . . . but I wanted to tell you something I recently came across. Check out this website and see if it rings any bells with you. After months of muscle issues, weight gain, low sex drive, moodiness, cravings etc, etc. It all got really bad after I had my last baby and it comes and goes with hormone changes. I found a doctor who believes in Candida and prescribed me Nystatin and I also follow some other healthy habits that he suggested to get rid of yeast overgrowth. I can't tell you how much better I feel! Just look into it and see what you think. Good luck to you.

http://www.yeastconnection.com/default.htm

Hi,

If you are in the Phoenix area, our church offers counseling, food bank, and a wonderful support system. Please check out Vineyard Church at 63rd and Peoria.

I hope this will help,

Take care,

D.

Wow, sounds like you have been through a lot! You are doing the right thing reaching out for help and support. You both need it and deserve it! You might consider trying Overeaters Anonymous meetings. I have been attending OA meetings for 5 years now and have found a great deal of relief from my eating compulsions. I also found it very helpful to find a group of people who did not judge me or what I was going through. Everyone is extremely supportive. Best of all, the meetings are free! You can find meetings in your area through the website: www.oa.org. Whatever you do try, I wish you much happiness and blessings in 2009. Take care of yourself!

I am so sorry you are having a hard time this year. I am a SAHM of two and I just wanted to let you know that Zoloft is not for everybody and if it is not working you need to tell your doctor. There are other medications out there if you need any at all. I know what you are going through with your weight issues. After my second child I also have been struggling with my weight. Make sure that your doctor also checks your thyroid. I found out I had hypothyroidism. Once I was able to balance the hormones I felt better and was able to loose a little weight. If I can help you in any way please let me know.

Hi ML:

Zoloft is known to reduce libido and sex drive, another
med "Effexor" has less "side effects", talk to your Doctor.
Good Luck!

I know all about the "two under two"...just that is enough to make you crazy let alone all the other stuff you're dealing with. I don't have any earth shattering advice, but the one thing I would suggest is to try to get a little exercise...even if it's just a walk around the block. The fresh air and time alone will do wonders for you. I know it's easy to feel as though taking time away from your family is selfish, but you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of them. It will clear your head and it will be easier to "see the forest through the trees". Or take everyone out for a walk...good free family time and everyone benefits! Then once you start feeling better about yourself, you can add the intimacy back. But your youngest is only 5 months and you're nursing!! No wonder you don't feel very sexy!! Give yourself a break on that. That will work itself out. I was on Zoloft for awhile and I really noticed the negative affect on my sex drive. Maybe you could talk to your OB and find a different med that will still help your mood but not affect your sex drive as much. Good luck and have a Happy New Year. I know 2009 will be better for you...just concentrate on one thing at a time and it will all come together.