OK Ladys, here we go. I have been divorced since my Son was a year and a half. I am Happly remarried, and my husband treas my (our) son as his own. My Ex has never realy been around and whill my Son know who is father is be choises to call my Husdand dad.
I hear from my ex MAYBE 2 times a year (he lives in another state). He dosnt tell us most the time when he is in town and when he is 9 time out of 10 he dosnt event ask to see our Son. He forget the boys birthday, and harly ever calls to talk to him. However, he ALWAYS rembers him on christmass. Every year he get my son a gift card with a few hundred dollars on it, and to tell you the truth he realy likes that.
For whever reason this year is different. He called me this afternoon (whill the boy is at school) and tell me he got my 8 year old and Xbox. I tryed explaining to my ex that we dont want a gamming system of any kind in the house (I love them dotn get em wrong but we have our reason for not wanting one). He got upset with me and said that he feels cheep jsut getting my son a gift card. I explained to him that he realy dose enjoy the giift cards. that he calls them his credit cards, and I let him get what ever he likes with them, with in reason. I then went on to tel him a few thing on the kids list that I knwo no one else got him. He said that they where cheep gifts and I was trying to steel all the glory for my slef, and hug up on me.
So here lays the problem. This coudl go 1 or 2 way. The first being that he get the boy a girft card or somthing else. Or what I am fearing is that he will go on and send the xbox, and that would cause untolled upset. I woudl be upset that he disrgared the wishes of my husband and I and what we deem ok to be in our house. SO what shoudl I do if this happens? I cant let the child open a gift that I dont know what init onley to find an xbox and then tell him that he cant have it.
Any thought on how to keep the upset down would be great. What do you do when a child get a gift that you dont want in the hosue. thanks for your thought!
Apon reading some of the comments, I relised that I never truly explained the reasons WHY I didnt want my sweet son not to have a gamming system. Both here and to my ex (The ex and I suck and comunicating...fancy that!). My Boy gets more than a little wond up whne he plays games of any kind. I call the ex back and we talked about it. He said he could understand that. So I made a deal with him. That he would sent him a gift cards to a few different places that the boy like. and then I would take a pic of him with all the things he bought with his fathers gift cards. Also when the time is right and he can handle a gamming system, and I would let me Ex know and PROMISED him that he could be the one to get it for him. This wasnt about one uping my ex Ladys, it was about what was best for my son (Who i am a little protetive over). SO sorry I jumped the gun, and thank you for your thought
You said the he already bought it right? I say let him have it but set clear ground rules such as the kind of games, the amount of time it can be played, etc.
It's his dad. Whether you like the gift or not you are going to have to deal with it. You don't want to make dad a cad nor ruin the gift by not allowing your son to use it. It's sticky, but I think you should go ahead and accept and put boundaries on it as if you bought it. Ex's will throw a wrench in now and then, one of the casualities of divorce. You gotta roll with the punches and make lemonade from the lemons when they come your way.
Don't feel slighted that it's an expensive present. It's not about you it's about your child.
Lots of moms out there would love it if a bio dad would send them an xbox I'm sure.
ADD ON after your "what happened".
So, if it comes what WILL you do? Some day your son will know that you sent it back or hid it from him (that could bite you later). Be careful how you treat this. Hopefully EX doesnt send it, you are doing bio a dad a favor by having him send the cheaper "gift card" for sure.
Good luck.
ADD ON after you changed your "what happened".
Good, it all worked out, yay!
Once again, I'm with Grandma T.
Curious about your "issues" and reasons and wondering why he can't have O. and some very age-appropriate games which he can play for a set amount of time each week?
If you don't want your child to have an xbox in the house, make a suggestion for the child's father of things you would approve of instead that you know your son would like that is along the same value and fun factor as an xbox.
That's okay you don't want a gaming system in your home, we all have our beliefs about such things, though I personally find it ridiculous, and would let him get the xbox. There are lots of fun and safe games and activities that can be done with the xbox, not all games are about shooting and violence, and it doubles as a dvd player as well. If you are concerned about him wanting to game all the time, you can have rules on times he can play and such, just as you do with watching tv shows, playing outside, eating sweets before dinner, and have rules on what kind of games he is allowed to play. Or, only bring the xbox out for him to play on weekends or something.
I have to side with the child's father on this one, he wants to get a really cool and more expensive gift that he personally picked out with his son in mind, not a bunch of cheap ones that you suggest and he doesn't want the impersonality of the gift card. Gift cards are enjoyable and your child can buy things he likes, but he won't be able to look at an object and say, "my dad picked this out for me and got me this!"
**********I read your update, it sounds like a great compromise!*********
I'd let him get the get the x-box for your son but you can have the control on when he uses it and what games he plays.
Or you can one-up your ex and give your son the Kinet that goes with it and turn it into a family thing.
I would let him have the X Box. Your son lives with you so you have control with how often he uses it. We have a Wii. During the school year, they are only allowed to use it on the weekends for a half hour each day. During the summer, they are only allowed to use it during the week only a half hour a day. Any time I need to discipline them, it is a great item to take away.
We control what type of game they play with and always make sure it is appropriate.
This way, the boy's biological dad gets to feel good about what he is giving and yet you get control over the issue.
Good luck.
If he sends the xbox, sell it and use the money to buy a gift card. Or if you dont think you can sell it before christmas, buy a gift card with you own money and then sell the xbox (and repay yourself whatever the gift card cost).
Hopefully he will respect your wishes. It seems as though it's a toss up, sadly. If he does send an X-box I think you'll have to deal with it and I don't think it would be right to take it away. Although I agree dad sending it wouldn't be right either, you can't put the child in the middle. I would suggest discussing with your husband now about the rules that you would set up for the xbox if it did arrive. I'm not sure what your objection against it is but if it's a game thing, I'm sure they sell games that aren't graphic or violent at all. Set strict time limits for it if that's your issue or make it just a weekend thing or make a time chart or whatever works for you.
In the end, I don't think I would take it away. If I really didn't want it, I would try not to make an issue out of it too much, b/c that will only fuel your son's desire to play with it, and set up a plan for its use. I'm sure this is very difficult for you and I hope it works in your favor, but be prepared in case it doesn't!
**After reading your 'what happened' I would just tell dad basically what you wrote to us and then I'd say...send at your own risk. I would also intercept the mail and slightly open the package that it came wrapped in. Worst case scenario you have to re-wrap the gift that dad sent. If it's an x-box don't tell your son and send it back to dad. If he asks where his present is from dad, ugh, that's tough...depends on what dad says if you have to send it back. Maybe say that he called and said it would be late?? I don't know, you don't want to get into lying....you'll have to play that part by ear I guess. In the end, you're the mom and if you don't want it, you don't want it. I can respect that.
If you don't want it in the house, then call the ex and politely tell him that you and hubby have talked it over, and if a gift arrives that is obviously NOT a gift card, you will open it to see if it's an XBox before giving it to your son. If it IS an XBox, it will be returned to him for the boy to use when he's visiting. So, if he wants to get himself an XBox, this is how to do it. If he wants his son to get anything from him, he has several choices, but XBox isn't one of them.
You need to wait and see what he sends. When the gift gets there, just open it, if it is the XBox then exchange it for a gift card or something else your son would like. Problem solved. Your son will never know. You can just tell your ex what you did before he speaks to your son and finds out that way. He can carry on all he wants but you are obviously the only parent here so who cares what he thinks.
Good luck!
If the ex gets him the XBOX if he sends it to him. You must know what size it is. I would open it and not give it to him. Sell it and give the money to your son. To tell you the truth, your ex should feel more that cheap! He does not even know his birthday!!! i understand completely why you do not want the gaming system. I would not change my mind on that either just because ex wants to be a dad once a year.
I get that you don't want the xbox in your house, but you can't control what your ex is going to send his (plural) son. So unless you indend to open the gift before your son gets it to screen it, you're going to have to deal with a really pissed off and upset little boy when you tell him he can't have it.
My suggestion is to ensure that your son only play the game when there's an opportunity for him to get outside and run around immediatly afterward to burn off that extra energy.
Gaming systems are not that bad if you set rules. We have playstation and the WII, my son doesn't get to just go play them at any point. He has to play with his dad and they set a time limit. It is kind of a reward to play on them. He has to do homework, be nice, etc. It looks like you have your mind set up but you truely need to have that open communication with your ex so things don't get out of control. You just need to be honest with yourself and others. Good luck in your relationships with your new husband, son, and ex because they all will be in your life forever.
I'm not sure what your objections are to the x box as you can still set the rules for the use of it and the games. It's a nice gift for his dad to buy him and someday it will mean something to your son to have a good relationship with his bio dad. It doesn't mean he won't recognize who raised him and who was there for him (you and your husband). You guys need the confidence of knowing that no one can replace what the two of you are doing for your son and a nice gift from bio dad is just a nice thing along the way that will make your son happy.
Open the gift when it gets there. If it is an Xbox return it to the store and get a gift card. Then wrap up the gift card. There will be no hurt feelings and then have your son send a thank you for the gift without saying what it was and that he loved it.
