The Right to Feel This Way?

They are more a part of his life because they have reached out more than you.

If you don't like that reach out more!

Do not say anything because what you would be saying is limit your contact because it is upsetting me. Adoption isn't about you, it is about that child.

So if you don't like the situation rise to their standard, don't try to pull them down to yours.

I'm frowning, trying to figure out how to answer this question.

I guess my 1st thought would be: if you were in contact with the adoptive family, what happened to break that contact? Obviously the adoptive parents welcome your family.....so how did you end up being out of the picture?

Your family is still there, but you are not. What happened?

Based on your own statements, your family makes sure they make the effort to continue this contact....& I think that's where the answer lies. They're getting the pictures & the updates on your son....simply because they have expressed an interest. & that's the only to maintain a relationship: continued interest & contact.

So did you drop out....or did you get pushed out? Sounds like you dropped out of your own choice. :) & I have to say: danged proud of your family for continuing the contact!

EDIT (after your SWH): I understand that you are conflicted. I stand by my words. You have the relationship you have actively, knowingly chosen. Please do not try/think that you have the right to govern your Mom/Gma's actions. They are adults, & are not answerable to you. Yes, they placed an enormous affront upon you at the birth of your son, but that was years ago....& in the past. I think their continued contact with your son is a Blessing, & I applaud the adoptive parents' acceptance.

M., I think you are perfectly justified in being jealous. However, you should do nothing about your jealousy. If I were you, I'd call the adoptive parents ever so often. Chat with the father. Tell him that you are glad that he has a friendship with your grandmother. That will soften him up to you, I believe. Mail little presents for your son to the father, with the father's name on the box. Ask the father if he would mind giving them to the boy for you. A book for a 12 year old would be nice, with your name and a kind note written in the front of the book. Maybe he won't give it to the boy, but maybe he might.

You have 6 short years to wait until your son is 18 years old. That's when you should try to meet with him. If he has gotten a gift from you ever so often, perhaps he won't think you are a bad guy. Tell him that you respected his family's wish to keep things separate and that you are grateful to them for providing him with such a loving family. At some point he will want to know why you gave him up. Be honest. Tell him that you hope that you two will have an adult relationship one day, and that you will be happy to know him. Tell him you've watched him grow from afar, and are so proud of him.

Please, don't rock the boat now. It won't help. It can only hurt. You aren't able to demand more. It is what it is, but if you walk carefully and don't push, perhaps you will have a relationship of SOME kind once he is an adult. Right now, the adults in his life want a more traditional relationship with his birth mother, which is really very little. You must accept that in order to have a chance later.

Dawn

You have the right to feel however you want to feel. In this instance, it might be worth taking a look at the situation from the other perspective. Your mom and grandma have gone out of their way to stay in contact with your son and his family. As a result, they're closer to the family than you are. They're probably less threatening too... they're just a grandma and great grandma. You're his actual mother. His family may feel less close to you because you haven't stayed in contact (did you send emails? gifts?). Not saying you should have... but since it's obvious to your son's family that his grandma and great grandma care, why wouldn't they invite them to a party?

If you want more of a relationship with your son now that he's older, then YOU have to make it happen. In the end, your son is lucky to have older relatives that care about him and want to stay in contact. Don't take that away from him. But you can add your love and relationship if you want too. If you go in with unselfish motives (ie - don't try to develop a relationship just because you worry what your son or his family will think), then it will add to his life and yours.

Think about this one. If your mom and grandma didn't have such a close relationship with your son, you'd be just fine with the relationship you have right now with your son. You fear you are being compared with their relationship.

You have a good relationship with your son. You, not them, gave him the gift of a stable, loving family. I am so, so proud of you. What a loving, difficult thing to do!

You family lucked up and got some one on one time with their family and have continued it. You could feel a bit betrayed by them but really, I'd say if it were YOUR daughter and grandson, you would have done the same because your whole family seems to be such a loving family! It is, what it is.

If you can deal with these feelings, and accept them, you have everything in place to be happy. In an ideal world, things would be different. Still, if you can deal, it's still a pretty great world! I think you are a pretty great woman!

It seems that you feel left out.
You're jealous because you think your family has a better relationship with him than you do.
And they may.
They've been there, kept in touch, live in closer proximity, etc.
But if YOU want a closer relationship, that's up to YOU to foster.
I don't think it's a good (or fair) idea that your mom and grandma have to keep their relationships O. half step below yours.
Concentrate in what YOU would like to change about the relationship you have, then act.
"Saying something" to them serves no purpose.
This boy (or any child) can't have too many people that live and care about him.
On the other hand, if you are happy with the relationship as it stands, don't take it our in your family, who are happy with the O. they have.
Good luck!

The way I see it is this has less to do with your mom and grandmother reaching out and more to do with your own feelings about you not reaching out as much as they have. If you truly desire to know how the child you gave birth to and unselfishly gave up is doing, then be woman enough to reach out to him.

I wouldn't send gifts but I would reach out to his parents and let them know you think of him often and would like to know how he is doing and have some current pictures of him. Since this was an open adoption, his parents should comply. Just don't get too desperate to be in contact with him and make his parents gittery about your intentions.

Talk out how you are feeling with a counselor or with some trusted friends but don't fault your family for having contact with him and them and not telling you. They probably don't want the drama or perceived drama of emotions from you. Just let it go and reach out to them about him and it may help you feel much better.

Also keep a journal, it may be something you can share with him in the future if he ever reaches out to you as an adult. My prayers for you are for peace.

As an adoptive parent I can tell you that it is good that you are getting some contact with your birth son. Our birth mother didn't want an open adoption so we don't have this issue. However, I know a lady who has an open adoption with her birth son. She schedules visits with him. She sees him twice a year during holidays that way she feels that she is not intruding.

In order to have a close relationship with your birth son why don't you talk to his family about scheduled visits. Even though your Mom and Grandma see him more often he will know that you are there too and will know when to expect visits from you.

If you want to go to the Baptism call the adoptive parents and tell them that you heard he is going to be baptised and would like to be there to show your support.

Most adoptive parents want their children to know their birth families. We are making a life for them with the beliefs and standards that we believe in. What we don't want is a birth parent thinking they have rights to our child. We are not babysitting for the birth parent we are raising a child that we love. So don't make the adoptive family feel that you have more rights than you deserve. Yes you did give birth but you placed him with a family to become their family. You don't want to push your birth son or his family away.

Buying gifts is not the answer. I'm sure he has what he needs. For your situation talk to his adoptive parents to work out a time that you can see your birth son. Just don't over do it. You don't want them to keep you away from him all together. Ask the adoptive family their feelings about staying in contact with you. Let them know that you are not being intrusive and that you want what's best for your birth son. Good luck!!

Why can't you contact the birth parents and just tell them that you haven't heard much recently and would really like to know what he's up to, how he's doing, etc? You don't have to bring the situtaion with the rest of your family up. You can ask for information without asking "Why are you talking to my mother and not to me?"

There's an old kid's classroom poster I see around from time to time: "All Feelings Are Okay, It's What You Do With Them That Counts".

You do have the *right* to your feelings. That said, it sounds like you understand the precariousness of acting rashly or doing too much to rock the boat.

It's a long road for families who deal with adoption. I know this because I was legally adopted by my mom's second husband (whom I call my 'growing up dad'). Those relationships with both my bio and adoptive fathers have been a long road and didn't really resolve until I was well into adulthood.

What I am saying is that you have a lot of time ahead of you to make connections with your son. What I would encourage you to do for now is to find a counselor who helps families dealing with adoption and adoption issues, and to find some support in this way. Your parents are likely far more emotionally 'safe' for your son's adoptive family to keep in contact with than perhaps they feel you are. Not because of anything you've done, but there may be some questions coming up for their family or the boy which are already hard for them. ( I know that I was about this age when I started pressing to meet my bio dad. This was very difficult for my parents.)

For now, the best way to handle your feelings is to find a counselor or empathetic listener, and to process all of this in a safe, supportive environment. You don't have to 'do' anything beyond what you are doing now, which is just staying available. At twelve and early adolescence, this would be a time where I would just be 'open' and not press too much. It's likely that you would be able to develop more of a relationship as he becomes older and is emotionally ready to know more, to ask questions... and when he is old enough that his adoptive family will know that they do not have to 'protect' him so much as to let him suss things out on his own.

A couple of years ago, a woman I knew socially decided to find her birth mother-- it turned out to be my stepmom's sister. Even in her thirties, they have made great strides in developing a relationship with each other. Even in her thirties, it was also still very painful for her adoptive parents, too.

All this to say, please try to take care of yourself first, and then let your son reach out to you when *he's* ready. Be patient, and know that by giving your son to live with a family who wanted him was the kindest, best thing you could do for *him*, given your situation at the time.

Okay, bear with me as I am not feeling good and only came on to read, but this one has jumped out at me.

You do have the right to feel the way you feel, and as others have pointed out you have chosen to take a step back and watch your son from afar, where as your family has decided, with the adoptive families blessing, to take a more active role in your son's life. There is nothing wrong with this, not at all.

I have a 16 year old brother that my mom placed for adoption...I'm 41, and she did do the right thing, and like you she has chosen to sit back and let his parents raise him.

About 2 years ago, my sister found him on FB we have always known his name and where he lives. She did friend him, I stood back and stalked him cause I didn't want to step on anyones toes. We are friends now, he is such an amazing young man, we chat often...usually when he's bored, but he's 16 :) and I am glad for that opportunity. My mom still sits back and watches from afar.

You know he understands, he understands that she is letting his parents raise him without her stepping in, he understands that it is hard for her, and he also understands that what she did, she did out of love. It was the most unselfish thing my mom could have done for him. Their day will come, as will yours and your son's.

Your son is being loved by many people.....wasn't that what you wanted for him? If you are feeling left out..then you need to fix it.

Sue H said exactly what I would have said. I hope you answer her questions.

You always have a right to your feelings. I think some jealousy is kinda normal, BUT you might need help to deal with them in a positive way. If the agency through which you placed your son is still around, perhaps they can refer you to a counselor. The important thing is for you to deal with this on your own and not say anything to the family. It is not their fault, and it is SUPER IMPORTANT not to make the child feel crappy and weird because you are having trouble dealing with the situation.

I don't understand exactly why you are upset that your mom/grandmom have a relationship with the the adoptive parents - they met each other and built a relationship. If they were invited to have a relationship by the adoptive parents, then it is not really an issue of "behind your back" - it was a separate relationship and continues to be a separate relationship from yours. Somehow you need to get some help to manage the jealousy and build a healthy relationship and perception. Being too angry will be a bad thing and will turn you into a bad guy.

Getting help to find out where you fit in his life - which is probably more like an "Aunt" - may help. Part of the issue is, a grandmother role is clearly defined. A birth-mother role is more difficult because you gave up your rights and cannot operate in the relationship as his mother because the adoptive mother fills the primary role now. You are jealous and angry probably because you don't know how to fit. Finding out how to fit in the family, and being ok with NOT being his "mom" could be the key.

You did a wonderful thing for your boy. Do your best to get help to deal with all your feelings. Hugs to you.

I praise you for giving your son a better life; I know from my own experience that this is not an easy decision...we all have that feeling of did I make the right decision?

You have every right to feel the way you do, these feeling will never go away no matter what happens.

It was wrong that your family went behind your back. You are/were in enough pain, and they should have respected your decisions. You needed their support, and receive grief. I think this was a situation that was out of their control, and that this was their way of trying to control things (still is.)

Why did you lose contact? Do you feel that you are being intrusive? Or was it the adoptive family that made you feel that way?

You have an open adoption, but no rights. Go ahead and email (call/write) the adoptive family and express your feelings. You do not need to mention what your family has done; as they may not even know that they were doing this behind your back. All you need to care about is the feelings of your son. Your family never cared about your feelings, why should you care about theirs.

Believe me; you do not want to go on not knowing for sure how your son is doing.

NO, It's too late, if you try to stir things up the one you will hurt the most will be the child. Either keep in touch with the family and your son (in a nice way) or leave it alone.

You family cared enough to keep in touch all these years and develop a loving relationship with their grandchild and the adoptive family. Don't resent them for doing what you have not done.

If you thought it wouldnt hurt your relationship you have with your son I would ask his parents if it was ok if you sent more cards and did more. Tell them you backed off as terms of the agreement but you have seen and found out over the years that your family has more contact. I would send this question so they have time to think about it before answering you. Be perpaired that they might say no. But it sounds like they have welcomed all loving family members in to there sons life.

BTW major congrats on making such a hard choice. I realize it was years ago but its still a wonderful choice you made. A very brave one too. You saw you werent able to but gave your son the chance at a great life anyway.

You have a right to WHATEVER your feelings are, and I soooo hear you. I'm sure that you also feel like this is YOURS, you know? YOUR situation all the way around, and YOU should be the main point of contact or at least have some control and be kept in ALL the loops when it comes to his/their connection to your family. It feels like you are just being disregarded, and they don't care, and even hinting at this feeling will likely make you sound small to them. I'm sorry.

Let's put it on paper, though. You are NOT his mother in the sense that you get to have this kind of say. If all of this were being done and the people raising him were kept out of the loop, then that would be a big no-no. When you signed over your parental rights, you signed over all of that, and your family members are just nice people who get to share in the life of a little boy. His parents get to choose whom they want in the presence of their son, and those two women happen to be two of them.

I like the point that someone else made, too, that you are more threatening than they are. They get to have his biology and genuine love for their son wrapped up in the packages of two little old ladies. Having you that close might not feel as comfortable, in the same irrational yet rational way that you feel what you feel today.

I don't think that you should talk to any of them about this. You'll either get your feelings hurt or you'll make them feel so uncomfortable that they'll either back off from the boy or start hiding it from you. Or both, and you don't want any of that. I think that you just need to talk these feelings out regularly with someone who will help to validate them for you and then offer you some tools to deal with these feelings. A trusted friend? A therapist?

I think you should have a heart to heart talk with the birth mother, and tell her that since this is an open adoption and your son knows about you, that you would like to be in his life in some way.

It's possible that they didn't think you were that interested....

It's hard to believe that they would be perfectly open to birth grandmothers, etc., but be closed to you. Go ahead and make the move. It's HEALTHY for your son for all adults to be open and friendly about this. A kid can't get too much love. It's healthy for all adults involved to stay in contact with him, as long as everyone is loving, reasonable, and respectful of others' feelings.

Contact the adoptive mother. Can you meet face to face? Best to not do this by email or text. At least a phone call. Don't sound hurt, just tell her you would like to be in her son's life in some way.

This is a complicated situation, and I can certainly see why you would have mixed and upsetting feelings about it.

First, I would sort out exactly what your feelings are. Do you feel like your mom and grandma are leaving you out and being dishonest with you? Do you feel like the adopted family is keeping you out? And whatever is the case, you mention feeling jealous. Anything else? You also mention being worried that your son will perhaps grow to like them more and resent you. So perhaps this is a life stage issue for all of you.

Once you are more clear about your feelings, and who they are directed at, you need to decide what to do about them. I wouldn't say much to the adopted family. You don't want to risk them feeling like they are in the middle of your family's mess, this could make them pull away. Let your mom and grandma know how you are feeling, and get some clarity with them. Ask them why they keep their contact with the adoptive family from you. Listen to their answer. Don't just make demands on them, find out where they are coming from. Then it's totally fine to let them know how you feel and if they are open to anything that might be helpful to you (like could they let you know when they plan to see him, etc.). But this is a two way street, make sure to find out their position and be open to compromise.

If you want a little change with the adoptive family, think it through first and then let them know. Just write them that as he gets older, you want to have a relationship with him that is comfortable for everyone. Ask them what kind of contact they are ok with you having, and then keep to that. You don't want them to feel like you and your family are fighting over him- again, this will overwhlem them all and end badly.

I get that your mom and grandma want to have contact with this boy who is related to them. But you are daughter and granddaughter, and I would think and hope that is the priority for them. It should be.

Good luck.

Well, if it was an open adoption then you do have some rights....these were spelled out in the adoption papers right?

My daughter has an open adoption with 2 of her kids and the papers have that she can see them once per month if she wants to. The adoptive parents are obligated to allow this.

Open adoptions are unlike normal adoptions. If yours was not open in writing but they were willing for you to be part of his life. So you could see your child if the adoptive parents are willing to do this now.

I think it's wonderful your family is part of his life. It must hurt you a lot though to know they are in his life but you're not. Contact the parents and see how they feel about your stating up with the cards and pictures again. Since you did have contact with them in the beginning but lost contact they may be happy for you to do this. They may also not want you too if your lifestyle is not what they want around this boy.

But I think it's worth the effort to try.

Hey Mama! I want to send you hugs and kudos for giving your son a chance to have a better life when he was born. I know that took a lot of strength and love! You did something so heroic. I think painful feelings are part of doing the right thing sometimes. I think some of pain you are feeling is tied to the over all loss you feel in giving him up for adoption. Find comfort in knowing you did something wonderful by putting his needs before yours. Have you had any counseling for this loss? Maybe it would be good to talk over these feelings with a supportive professional. I am puzzled why your mom and grandma have not kept you in the loop more. I would take matters into my own hands and work on fostering a stronger relationship with your son and his adoptive family if that is what you want. I would try and let go of the hurt feelings with your mama and grandma and focus on making things how you want them independent of what they are doing. Blessings!