The Kid That Won't Learn!!!

Meg, slow down. First of all, he is not a child any more, at 13 he is growing into a young man. Second, we raise our sons to be men, we want them to be strong and stand up for themselves. When they do though, if it is an area we disaprove of, we get upset.

Your young man believes that in your room there must be something of great of importance. Why does he beleive this, because you have proved it to him. If there was nothing to have, in his own mind he does not believe you would be so adament about him staying out. He thinks that you protest too much for there to be nothing of great value in that room.

At 13 he is curious about the life of adults, he is on his way to being one. He is curious about the life between men and women, and that also takes place primarily in the bedroom. He may be looking for things that would help him understand the relationship between men and women a little better.

If the quest a human being is on, is valuable enough, they will continue the quest against all odds. His quest must be very valuable. It must also be something that he finds to be very private because he is not telling you about what it is.

Your room holds a special interest to him.

You are now in such a power struggle that neither of you are going to win but your relationship with him will suffer.

There comes a time in every parents life when we have to realize that we dont know it all and at times we need to step back from the situation and begin again.

Sit down with him and ask him to level with you. Let him know that you are very curious about why he chooses to continue going there. Ask in a curious voice, not an accusing voice. His answer may lead you to a better way of taking care of this.

My guess is, until his curiosity is satisfied this will continue. Is it possible he would like to see what a condom looks like. Or is he looking for other items that would leave him just as curious?

Hi Meg...

First of all, I think you should calm down, and think a little more what you are doing or the way you are reacting about your son. I have read other postings of yours and, respectfully, I think that probably the way you "react" to things are making your son to behave the way he is behaving. Probably there is not a big deal about many things and because you get so impatient or nervous about them, your son responds to that. I mean what is wrong with him going to your room? unless you have something extremely dangerous or something pretty special for yourself, you just have to let him know and talk to him in a clear and nice way and tell him why he is not allowed in your room.
I don't have preteens or teenagers yet, but I believe that they go thru so many different phases and feelings and things that even they cannot understand that make them do things for curiosity, for discovering, for just do the opposite you want them to do, so may be the best is not punishing him the way you have been doing it, probably he needs to be spoken, talked and informed clearly about your expectations, and rules or ideas or limits that you might have in your house. Take it easy, things will be OK if you calm down, it is not easy but is the BEST way to achieve things, basically with the little ones and the teens.
Take care and the best of luck to you!
Alejandra

Meg,
I do not see any problem with expecting a child to respect certain boundaries, and at that age he should understand.
Maybe because you have made it into such a big deal, it seems an unknown temptation for him? First, ask yourself why this is so important to you, when you have thought it out I think you should sit with him and explain to him calmly why you want him to stay out of your room and why it is important to you. Do you give him privacy and respect as well? Respect is earned...and I mean that as a two way street...you can not expect your children to respect you if none is given. Some of the punishments seem pretty harsh to me for what appears to be a minor infraction, maybe there is more taht I am not aware of, I mean if he is "stealing" your things that is one thing...but that wasn't what I got from reading your post.
As the mother of a 13 year old son, that Just went this year to go live with his father...This time that you have with him is short enough...do not make the last few years he spends under your roof ones that you regret. I Miss my son every day and God knows he was not perfect...but I have two more little ones still here with me and I do know that you have to pick your battles...please just talk with him at 13 you can rationalize with him, and maybe even say that in the past you have gone over board...saying sorry, hearing that from your adult parent...That can be a turning point.
Good luck, please do not think I am slamming your parenting style or any such thing, its just no one is perfect and I am the first that can admit that at times I over react as well.
= )
B.

Wow! Is there drugs and guns in there or something? I am sorry if I sound kinda rude but it sounds like you are really overreacting and I think your reaction is making him curious as to whats in your room. Ill admit my room is off limits for my daughters toys. I want one room that I dont have to trip over toys but thats about it. I think of my house as their house too. My kids are welcome anywhere unless its dangerous for them. I think with a 13 y/o you really need to pick your battles and brace yourself, im sure there is a lot more to come and this will seem like nothing!

First, let me say I do believe you have a right to your privacy. However, I do think you are overreacting and THAT is what he is capitalizing on.

Ok, my recommendation is to try a tactic from Common Sense Parenting or Love and Logic. Ignore it. Yep. You heard right. Ignore it. DON'T let him get the rise out of you. That's what he's looking for. If you feel compelled to say something then ask if he found what he was looking for or if you can help to find it. And STICK TO IT! Eventually, he's going to get bored and lose the interest...but in the meantime, he has your attention: good, bad or indifferent. Also, I would NOT turn the tables and go venturing into his room. As a matter of fact, I would go the opposite. If you deliver laundry to his room, just set it on the floor inside the door. Don't go inside. Make him understand you respect his privacy too. A little really does go a long way here.

BTW- do you spend any quality time with your son doing something he likes to do? Maybe this is just a ploy to get attention. Bad attention is still attention no matter what you call it and if it's bad over nothing most kids will take the bad. Just a thought.

Good Morning Meg,

On one hand I agree with the other posters that it may be that since it's an issue for you, he's pushing buttons.
But I have to respectfully disagree that this isn't a big deal. I actually read your post yesterday and had to sleep on it so I wouldn't just react to what i was reading.
You did say he was taking things from your room while he was in there, so he is stealing from you. And, in my opinion, if he is going to continue to to this even though you have asked him repeatedly not to, how do you know he'd not "nosing around" other people's homes?
I see it as a complete lack of respect for you, your rules and your property/house. And an open act of defiance.
Our son is now 18 and our daughter 14. Our son, still today will stand at our door and ask if he can come in and talk. I don't know if he came in and rummaged around our room when we weren't home, but it certainly was not something I've caught him at and asking him to stop. And no we were NOT overly strict, if anything we are pretty liberal parents. But we did/do show a respect for privacy for our children and they do the same for us. Our daughter's room is a PIT! But she is very organized with everything else in her life and gets straight A's. Her room is her room.

Sorry, I don't have a thought as to how to handle this since it looks like you've tried and since I have not experienced the same thing. But I did want you to know that I do see it as defiant behavior and a lack of respect for you.

Good Luck.

Lori K

Have you tried turning the tables on him and let him catch you snooping in his room? Let him see how it feels then maybe he'll understand why you don't like him snooping in yours. Also have you tried talking to him and seeing why he is snooping? He is 13, hormonal and most likely curious about sex. You never know, he could just be looking for condoms.