The Goodness as SAHM?

We have no "issues" about finances.
We live on less than we make and we are in agreement on that.
Simple, really.

My husband works full time, I work part time. He pretty much pays all the bills. I handle the household budget and take care of the bills. He asks me if he wants to spend $ on something, but its more like do we have the $ not can I do this? We dont really have a lot of problems with the money. Once in a while he wants something we cant afford, he will throw a minor fit, I give you all my money where is it, lol. Its called a mortgage and groceries, lol.

I honestly didn't know (until I came to this site) that spouses had anything, but respect for what the other one does all day. It makes me sad. I suppose, I might just have it easy. My husband works and is the only income. He has never seen it as HIS money. It's our money. We both have access to our money, and he doesn't get more say...just because the check is in his name. I actually do all the budgeting, because that's simply not his strength. We enjoy peace when it comes to the house and money. I do the bulk of cleaning inside, since I am home all day. However, he helps a ton. On the weekends he cleans. He does all the outside work, except taking care of the veggie and fruit garden. He sees what I'm doing as invaluable, there is really no money that could replace what I'm doing with my son. He knows he could never stay at home with my son. (He is an amazing dad, but I also don't think he would be a great SAHD.) I understand it can be stressful, to have all the financial provision on his shoulders. I know he works hard, and he takes pride in providing. I appreciate his ethic. If you already have appreciation and respect for each other (like we did) I don't think that will suddenly change.

My husband and I have no issues with finances... his is our only income. We have a monthly budget, and are both relatively frugal. We don't buy things that we don't need, and I do most of the purchases. I grocery shop, household shop, and purchase all the things the kids need (clothing, shoes, school supplies, etc.).

We try to sit down together every week to talk about stuff.. our schedules, the finances, and every month or so we look out at our future for any future expenses (household repairs, car repairs, trips, etc.).

We have never had an issue with one of us spending on something, but like I said, we tend to discuss most every thing weekly anyway.

As far as the house goes, I look at it as part of my job to take care of the home and yard (as best I'm able). If he does some of it (laundry, dishes) I look at that as a bonus.

As far as me time, I try to get to the Y a few times a week (although lately that has been a challenge - spring is busy with school stuff for the kids) and try to schedule some kind of outing with a girlfriend (or friends) monthly. We are trying to leave our kids at his parents for one weekend every few months so we get a weekend to our selves, but he struggles with that because he's so busy at work.. he feels guilty not being there for the kids on the weekends.

I think if your husband is relieved you will be home, it is a good sign for things to come.

Yep AND Nope... Not on my end (my mums)... BUT I wouldn't trade those years home for anything :) :) :)

The only thing different I'd do is make sure I had a 'Homewrecking Hussy' account set up (or in my case Abusive Tool acct). All goes good... Then that gets used as gap year money for the kids, or 25th anniversary trip, or whatever. All goes south (as it did in my case), and I wouldn't be starting from square 1, ten years 'behind in salary/climbing/resume in a world where the SAHP often LOSES the kids (because the working parent has the good stable job), house (ditto), etc. GONE are the days where the stay at home is guaranteed a period of time to get on their feet and help/assistance in accordance with the years they put in.

My mum, otoh, stayed home with all of us, is coming up on her 40th anniversary, and she and my dad are best of best friends.

AHEM... She did have such a safteynet, btw... That my dad insisted on, and another one set up by my grandfather . Didn't find that out until my own divorce. Diamonds are a girls best friend.

In my experience, pragmatism has a large role in happiness. Whether that's assuring your spouses life after your death (will), or their solvency in the event that things head south shows a great deal of respect. Having walked (well, walking) this road... That would be one thing I would insist on for my spouse if they chose to stay at home (I couldn't do it again, I'm already 15 years behind the game. Before he could be a SAHD, 5-10% of my income would need to go into an account purely for him, as 'regroup' money. It would be part of how I showed respect for the work he was doing at home with the kids, and absolutely a love token.

Not my own experience, as I work full time, but a SAHM friend posted an exchange between her husband and pre-school aged son. Son said, when I grow up, I don't want a job, I want to stay at home all day and play with the baby like mommy does. Dad said, DS, Mommy does have a job, taking care of the two of you is very hard and very important work.

If you've got a foundation like that in your marriage, and the inclination and apptitude to be largely responsible for three little ones for the length of your sabbatical, I think it could be a blessing.

I love my son, but I feel blessed that I have an office to report to come Monday.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Make sure that your Husband, UNDERSTANDS, that a SAHM is not a 24-hour shift 7-days a week.
He still has to help. In the house and with the kids.
I am a SAHM, and for me, though my Husband works... to me, that does not mean that the Husband is therefore a hotel guest, once he is home. He is not exempt, from family life or its duties or its upkeep. Because- He is STILL A PART OF THE FAMILY, even if his Wife is a SAHM, and he still has to do things. Too. That is what a family, is. And we all have our roles and it overlaps.
A SAHM, does not get paid "vacations" or holidays or sick leave.

I would sit down with your Husband, and you BOTH talk about it. What are his "expectations" now that you will be home? What are the presumptions that he has, about what *You* will be doing? What will *He* be doing????
Otherwise, if you don't talk about this, the SAHM usually ends up, doing everything. And some men, may think that just because he works and the Wife is home, that he therefore does not have to... help with anything once he gets home.

Also, SAHMS need "me" time too. Discuss this with your Husband.

As far as hobbies, that is good, you are doing things for yourself.
But have a schedule of things that you do, what you need to do per the kids and household, and daily.... and when you can fit that in.
And make sure, your Husband realizes... and understands... that your "hobby" is something you need time to do.

The SAHM life is very busy.

As far as finances.... I assume you and he have a joint account?
You have 3 kids. Things needs to be gotten for them and for you.
Husband needs to realize this.
It is DAILY costs.
And if you both trust each other per purchases and the reasons, and are rational about it, then you both can come up with a fair plan of expenditures and for fun or necessities. For both of you, AND for the kids.

Ultimately: YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND need to discuss this. Because, Men/Husbands, OFTEN have different "views" of what a SAHM is, what they should do, what they can do, what the Man expects her to do. And this can often be, incongruous of what really is.

Being a SAHM, is busy.
I have 2 kids.
I have been a SAHM since my eldest was born.
I am constantly busy.
I don't have time, for hobbies.
But being a SAHM, is very very precious.
My kids, tell me "Mommy I'm glad you are home with us..."
SAHM's are not SAHM's because they are rich.

I am a SAHM and we have a wonderful situation. We moved in together the summer I graduated from college (he graduated 2 years before me). I was a teacher and we decided to live off his income as long as we could and save mine. We did that for the first 2 years. Then we moved (military) and I had the opportunity to go to grad school full-time, so I did. We continued to live off his income. I got pregnant my last semester of grad school and never went back to work. I've been a SAHM for 7 years. We are 100% on the same page about daily finances and investments. He has NEVER made me feel like it's his money...ever. I do not have to ask permission to spend a dime. He totally respects my job as a SAHM and tells me frequently. He appreciates my willingness to put my career on hold and be home with our three boys. I appreciate his trust and respect. We've lived off one income and shared all accounts since day one, so I know that has helped.

P.S. He even encourages me to get sitters occasionally to have lunch with friends or spa days!

I've been a SAHM for 12 years. I love it. I wouldn't trade my job for anything. Yeah, I miss my financial independence but I'm home for my children and have seen all of their "firsts" first hand. My husband brings home the paycheck and he trusts me to handle the finances. I do the bulk of the housework but my husband helps too. There are upsides and downsides to being at home as well as upsides and downsides for those who work full time outside the home.

Mine! We balance each other out! I love washing clothes but hate hanging them up so he will do that if I will put away towels, socks and undies, he likes loading the dishwasher so he will do that on his days off(HATE loading and unloading the dishwasher too). He will take the kids outside or off my hands for a few hours even if he has pulled a 15 hr day just to give me a break, sometimes he will pick up the occasional rotisserie chicken so I won't have to cook. He pays the bills and keep track of our spending, I'm in charge of scheduling-he goes when and where I tell him to. All it takes is some good negotiation BEFORE you stay at home so you will know what to expect of each other, mutual respect and you must be willing to compromise!!! Don't forget what it was like to go to work every day and be sure to tell your husband often(and show him) how much you appreciate him working so hard so you can spend some more time with your precious babies.
Sorry this is so long but I just remembered 2 more things! Try not to fall into the trap of being a mom all the time-remember you are his wife! We have weekly date nights and before he comes home I make sure I look neat and am not in sweats-I brush my teeth and try a bit of makeup and always greet him with a smile and a kiss!

We sometimes have arguments over money, but for the most part, we are very happy with our arrangement. My hubby works hard at work, and I tend to almost everything else. He does cook, and when he is home, he spends most of his time playing with the kids, so it's all good in my camp. I wish I had a bit more "me time," but since he doesn't get any either, I can't really complain.

In terms of finances, he earns it, I manage it and spend it ;-) I do all of our financial planning, and always have. He has no interest, and trusts me to make good decision --I am very frugal, coupon, and we save tons for retirement.

I do think being a SAHM can be very hard for some women. In fact, I am so sick of one of my friends because she hasn't worked in a while and she needs to go back to work! She has serious self-esteem issues about just being a "mom." If you need a job or income to feel worth something, staying home will get to you. In fact, this one friend goes through periods all the time of asking "don't you miss doing X? Don't you miss Y?" It drives me nuts because I knew before I even got pregnant that I was going to stay home. I am doing this because it is the most important job in the world, end of story, and kids grow up fast. I want to be there, 24-7.

My ex was an abusive tool so not a good measure of normal.

I know I could quit work right now and other than a budget Troy wouldn't say boo to me about access to money.

Pretty much what I am saying is if you have a controlling husband you are going to have a rocky road, if you have a normal husband don't borrow trouble.

How to spend money will always be an issue amongst marrieds, but the attitude is that its our money. I think this attitude was fostered from the beginning when we joined our saving and checking from the get go. I think when you maintain separate checking the issue of "our money" is muddied. I work as hard as he does- and here's the key: he knows it and appreciates me for it. So if your husband appreciates what you are doing for your family, and it sounds like is will, then this thing will go well for you. But i am frugal, and my husband is generous with me, so we have more than enough grace in that arena.
I think there is one big difference amongst women who can't stand staying home and women who find it rewarding, and that is : do you think its enough to "just be a mom". I think "just being a mom", is what I was made to be. That does not mean I cannot or will not play other rolls in my life. But for now, I don't just think its enough, I think its the most important thing that I can do. My husband wanted to buy our dream house and have me working, but now that our children are here, her thanks me every day for refusing to live extravagantly but rather raising our children. I don't buy the societal lie that says its not enough to "just be a mom", that fulfillment if found in your career. But any woman who has let this lie enter into her beliefs will not find her roll as SAHM fulfilling. And the sad thing is, for many disillusioned women, they still won't find it at work either.

I love doing things with my kids and just being with them. This is our time! I don't work, and likely will when they go to school so we are making memories and having a wonderful time doing it. I know the time will fly so I try to slow down every day to play with them and just be. Buts its not a bed or roses, they still drive me nuts!

As for hobbies and time for self, I think thats all good in theory, but unless you plan on hiring babysitters, the idea that you need hobbies to pass the time is something you will soon realize is not necessary. If you are trying to maintain a sense of self, thats all fine and dandy, but like I said, you will need some hired help, or a willing Grandma. Nothing wrong with that. When I had one child, I was good at keeping up with a side business as a fee lance artist. But when I had two, the nap times had to be for house work, not hobbies. I almost never went stir crazy with one, but I have much more with two. And have for the first time had that sense of loosing my identity. But I know its all temporary and the feelings are fleeting. So in the meantime, I try to get a baby-sitter once a week so I can go shopping alone even if its just the grocery shopping, or better yet get a pedicure, or anything thats just for me.

I know a lot of SAHM's who find their rolls rewarding, that aren't clamoring to go back to work. their husbands are on board with it. Even more, their husband respect what they are doing, thats the key. You'll be fine. Your husband sounds like he gets it.

I am sorry all the negative remarks about being a SAHM has got you scared. To be honest, I think most those comments are made in moments of extreme frustration and irritation. Kind of like complaining about your job, when you have had a bad day at work. Even if you love your job, there are days when it drives you nuts; the same goes for being a SAHM. Trust me, it takes a little work, and some getting used too. I think it took me a little longer than most people because I was an extremely independent person who always worked full time and didn't have to check with anyone else about finances. It took me some time to realize that my husband was completely OK with me asking him for money to do what ever I wanted/needed to do, on account of that we still have separate checking accounts, that was my choice he couldn't care less if we had one account or two. It was me who had the issues with having to ask. We are very open about our finances with each other, we both know what needs to be paid and when, we also now how much we have in the bank. Communication is going to become even more key to your marriage and family.
That being said, after the time period of adjustment, again, it's like starting a new job (That might sound strange, because it's really not something "new" you are already a Mom and it's in your home, but it's still a new thing for you), there is always that time where you are getting used to your new settings and situation, things have been great! I won't say it's all sunshine and roses, but a vast majority of the time it's really wonderful. I love being the one to watch my kids grow. I love that I don't miss the landmark moments anymore. I love it all.
It takes some effort, but just like everything that is good, it's all worth it.

I feel bad that you see so many negative views about SAHM out there. My personal opinion is that being at home does not create the mistrust you speak of. If it's there, then it's always been there, perhaps staying at home has just magnified it. If you have a strong and trusting marriage t star with, then staying at home isn't going to change that. My husband and I were married for 3 years when I got pregnant and quit my job. I had left a successful 12 year career, which btw is how we met. Our relationship has never fundamentally changed. Even when I was working, we viewed all our money as going into one pot. When I stopped working, the pot got smaller, but we compensated for that in our lifestyle - both of us. He has never once in the 6 years I've been at home since made me feel like the money he made was his. In fact, I handle all our finances and I spend money on myself based on what our budget can allow. staying home is probably the hardest job there is. It's definitely harder than working, IMO. You'll learn that there is far more privacy in the busiest office than there is when you are hone all day with small children. My husband completely respects my role and knows how ard I work each day to keep our family on track. On Saturdays, e takes both our kids out with him running errands for the day so I can have a break and get the house all to myself. This is just the kind of husband he is and the kind of marriage we have always had, both working or not. We love, trust and support each other through it all.

Not sure if this answered your question or gave you what you were looking for, but at the end of the day if your marriage is strong, you gave nothing to worry about except some small adjustments. Mostly, staying at home will be hardest on you personally. You might find your identity is challenged a little and you no longer have co-workers or a boss to positively reinforce how well you're doing at your "job". You will have to find that within yourself and it takes some getting used to. But in the end, it is so worth it. I wouldn't trade being home with my munchkins for anything. You're right, they are only little once. Good luck! And relax - enjoy these times!!

There are lots of positives to being a SAHM. I love being one. I love having time with my son and being able to play, laugh, and teach him things. I see him growing so fast, and it's a great feeling that I am there to see what he's learning day to day.
My husband and I have a great relationship and he loves that I stay home with our son. He likes being the one to go out and provide for us and I like being the one at home making sure everything goes smoothly. Its a hard job for sure like any other. Making sure my son is happy and dealing with when he's not, and taking care of the house and dinners, making lunches etc Not to mention doctor appointments and all else, is work too.

My husband understands all that I do at home, and says thank you every night when he gets home for all I do, and I thank him for all he does. It lets us both feel appreciated for what we do that day.
We have mutual trust, and respect for each other. And I never worry about where he's at during the day because I know. I trust him, and we keep communication open.

Finances have never been a problem for us, we both view it as ours. We both "earn" it in our own ways.

It will be fine dont worry! As long as you both have mutual respect and appreciation for what the other does then you will be fine :)

It took my husband and me 8 years to figure out financial harmony, but we have "yours", "mine", and "ours" accounts. This works out great for us. All of our money (his paycheck) goes into a joint checking account. We use this money to pay our bills, fund our savings and retirement accounts, and save for vacations and major family purchases. Each week, we get an equal amount of money deposited into our own individual accounts too. We can each buy whatever we want with our "allowance". This way everything feels like it is split down the middle.

Good luck with the transition!

While, I may have difference with my husband regarding discipline of our daugher, regarding all other aspects of household and finances particularly we are just fine.

The important thing is to work out in advance how it is going to work financially. Are you just going to paying bills out of joint accout, are getting an "allowance", or a lump sum each much to cover everything and anything left over is yours to spend or save? This seems to be where most of my friends get tripped up.

The other area is household chores, that division of labor should be re-addressed to make sure that he does not think you will be doing everything. Beinga SAHM is hard work, nevermid being chief cook and bottle washer on top of it.

Once you work both of these out, you should plan to revisit it at one month and three months and then as necessary to make sure that it is still working for both of you.

My husband and I really have it worked out fairly well (every plan has its hiccups of course) and if you and your husband truly want this to work and really talk about your expectations then it should!

Good luck!!

I stayed home for 3 years & we have never had any disagreements about finances. Our money is our money, no matter the situation.

I think you tend to hear about the bad more than the good, because people tend to complain more when they are unhappy than when things are smooth.

My husband was a SAHD until just recently. It took some adjusting for him not us as a couple. He went stir crazy at first and we had to get him some part time help. He prefers to live life mimicking a headless chicken so the fairly slow pace of babyhood/toddlerhood just wasn't enough action for him. As 2/3 full time SAHD he loved it. We never argued about money (it’s ours and we know how we want it spent/saved) and I never expected him to accomplish anything other than feeding, loving and playing with our son. Perhaps my standards are low but I never pushed him to get any chores done. We did the chores when I got home and on the weekends. Then again we are not busy people. I prefer to be as slow paced as possible, spending the bulk of our off time at home. You have more children than us and they are older as well. So you’re particular family dynamic will undoubtedly differ. As in all things in your marriage communication is critical. I will say when my husband went back full time to work it tore him up. That first week at work he’d call me at work and ask nothing other than ‘what do you think our son is doing right now?’ He misses our son terribly so how’s that for a motivational speech? Good luck.

You sound like you have your head in a good place and you have a solid relationship with your hubby. You have things lined up and ready to go. Don't expect it to always be perfect but you sound like a good organizer and on top of your game.

A lot of it is attitude. Be secure with yourself and know that you are doing the hardest job on earth and the most rewarding because you are mom.

I've been SAHM for most of my career years but at the same time, acting as hubby's admin because the companies he has worked for in the past have HQ elsewhere and he offices out of the house.

For the last almost 4 yrs we have worked together from home running our company which is the same line of business, raw materials, he has been in for 25 yrs. We have accomplished our forecasted goals for the business each year and this past quarter we were up over 20% in sales... ! It takes a lot of effort to work together with employment and as parents to be a successful team.

We've always had joint banking and never any issues with financials. I have always managed the books personally and I control the company finances now. We have complete trust with each other. Gees... he must trust me because I have full access to all assets of the business and personal and have ample opportunity to set myself and daughter up quite nicely if I were that type of person!

We don't do "allowance", etc. If we need to run to the ATM or make purchases we do it. I am very detailed with my finances and I am online with banking for personal and business several times a day.

I can see if a SAHM has no access to $$ it would create some resentment. That would not fly around here. I write hubby and daughter's paycheck just like I write mine.

You have to balance everything out and keep communication lines wide open. Also, a priority for us from day one was to never, ever miss a weekly date. When we paid sitters weekly, we paid out $60-$80 a week plus whatever we did for the date but it is SO worth it to make that time together a priority.

Enjoy your time with your children. They grow up WAY too fast.

I just want to say I am completely jealous! My fondest, most luxurious dream is to be a sahm.

My husband stayed home for a year and I can tell you that depression set in pretty quickly. My one piece of advice is to get on an excercise routine right away. Get plenty of excercise and sunlight.

Hi Lucky,

Being a SAHM has it's less than wonderful moments (what doesn't), but for the most part it's great. The biggest thing that will help the transition is if you and your husband have an understanding about just what staying home means for you. (in terms of chores, etc) Having a family budget has really helped us too - we each get a little bit of "fun" money from each paycheck that we can do whatever we want with. Spending cash is also part of the budget and we only have to explain where the money goes if we go through it super fast (like all $40 to $60 is gone in a day or two).
We each have activities that we do outside of the home and we agree to let each other have that time, but we try to make sure we have a couple of nights at home as a family each week.
Staying home is rewarding and can be a lot of fun, but it's also a lot of hard work. Taking time for yourself, even if it's just a few minutes by yourself is important. My husband is great about just playing with the kids so I can go fold laundry or whatever and have 30 minutes of quiet time.

I recently made the transition from full-time working to owning my own business (but it is well organized, so it's not full-time, and I mostly work from home). Anyway, in the first few months I was really not bringing in any income, and that felt weird to me. My husband was fine with it, though! We have always had a joint checking account as well as a joint savings account. We do not have separate accounts for ourselves, and we never have. We view it as a joint effort (just as we did when I was the primary breadwinner and my husband was doing his apprenticeship). All for one and one for all. :) I love being at home with the kids (mine are older so I work when they're at school during the day). You're right, they grow up very fast and we don't want to miss it!

It goes back to how you were raised and how money was handled and talked about.

We have never had fights over money. He says it's our money and as long as the bills are paid and we have enough to do things we do them witthin reason. If there is something big we do talk about it and save for it.

When hubby got ill and could not work any more he felt as if he was a loser because he could not provide for the family. I had to point out to him that he provides for us every month by the military reitrement check we get. After a while he ewas able to see it and feel comfortable. After the SSDI paperwork was completed he recieved a large amount back dating from when he was sick that really helped us pay and catch up on mortgage and be solvent. But we never had the huge fights I read about over money.

Since I will be reitiring in the future we are making a list of things we need before I do stop and we will mark them off as we get them.

Staying at home as a SAHM was nice but I needed to be one that works outside the house. It could be volunteer work just something where I interfaced with adults. I do love my children but my children are not my life. You will find your balance with this.

The other S.

Lucy is right. Keep yours, mine, and ours accounts. Don't let yourself drop into a mindset I see here sometimes of women thinking that they shouldn't spend on themselves because they aren't doing paid work. That's a crock. Don't let yourself feel guilty for it. You are at the family's beck and call if you are a SAHM and there is value in THAT and everything else you do. If your husband had to hire someone to do what you do, it would cost a big pretty penny.

Dawn

Only in marriage does 1 + 1 = 1. Am sure you will find your balance.