The "Ex"

M.,

Twenty years ago, I married a man with 3 daughters. The oldest lived with him at the time and the youngest came to live with us a few years later. The middle one always only put up with me just when she had to and put forth no effort. Even though my husband had been divorced for 3 years before I even met him, I stole daddy from mommy.

It was never an easy relationship with my husband's ex. Don't sweat it that he has a history with her, you can't change that fact. If she is a nice person and trying to make friends with you consider yourself lucky. For years I hd to play the go between on the children between my husband and his ex because they wouldn't talk. I finally blew up at the both of them one day and put my foot down and forced them to talk about thier kids again. (When I get riled, not to many people will tell me no to what I want!)

There were difficulties all those years, I had to do my best to try to make friends with her because of the children. Children go through so much when parents divorce. They are the first priority. Not your feelings, your husband's feeling or his ex's. You have to learn to work together with each other. I would suggest that you do your best to have some sort of friendship with the ex. Siimply for the fact that it does make life so much easier when you have your step son. When he is in your house, you make the rules, not his mother. Beleive me kids will do thier best to turn the grownups against each other if they are not getting thier way. There are so many stories I could tell you of what my step daughters did to me, some of them would curl your toes. They are all grown now and have children of thier own. I am known as Nana. When my first grandson was born, he had 5 grandmothers and my oldest step daughter wanted a special name for me since I raised her and helped her through a lot of troubled times. My husband's ex is gone now, she passed away a year and a half ago. She and I were friends from time to time, had our differences but she was also easily swayed by her kids and I had a lot of trouble with that. You will just have to ride it out. Your husband will be there to help you but there always will be something that you will have to work out with her.

If you feel she is responsive to listening to you, then try to talk to her about your step son and how you will handle discipline issues in your house. Make sure you and she are on the same page so that the table can't be turned on you. Always always always, keep the lines of communication open if you can. This will not be easy and it will probably take more work on your part than anyone else's, but it will be worth it when you can have a fairly peaceful life with your husband and you can say when your step son is grown that you helped to make him the man he has become.

I wish you luck and patience. Heavy emphasis on the patience. You can send me a private message if you need to talk.

E.

Hi M., I was in your situation when I married my husband seven years ago. I felt like I didn't belong. I realized I didn't have to be her friend. I did have to respect her. My step-son was four when I came into the picture and is almost 13. It was awkward at first. But I realized how much I loved my husband and his son and how much I wanted to be a part of their lives. So I found a way to deal with the whole situation. I fist realized that he didn't want to be with her because if he did he would still be married to her. So their went the jealousy. But the hardest thing to deal with was the past that my husband his ex and their son had. I realize we all could make a future together. I made the best of the time that my husband and his son and I had together and I have NEVER bad mouthed his mother. When I became a mom I realized how important it was that my husband and his ex have a relationship concerning their son. They are raising a child together. I stay out of it unless asked and over the year she has thanked me for the role I have played. Recently my stepson started living with us. He was having some discipline issues. My husbands ex thanked me for stepping up and taking of the huge responsibility of helping to raise her child. It made me feel great. It brought us closer. Over time you relationship with her will change and it's up to you how it will be and trust me a polite relationship is better than a disagreeable one. Just do your best to support your husband and always be loving of your stepson he's the innocent party in it all. The only thing you can control is yourself. Your family is in my prayers. With time it gets easier.

One thing I do when I am having trouble with someone is to ask God to put a barrier between me and that other person so if they say hurtful things they won't hurt me. Also ask God to give you his love for that person. God commands us to love our enemies and that is a tall order. What it really come down to is obeying God. It is really hard to love someone who has hurt us or has the potential to hurt us. God only asks for our obedience. Since he commands us to love them and he promises to supply our needs then pray for God to fill you with His love for this person and your part is to obey God. If you truly want to obey God by loving this person then God will give you his love for them. He will give us what we can't as frail humans do. I know this is hard to understand but obedience is the key. Continually pray for this person and your husband as well and your relationship with your husband. It is also about trusting God with your marriage. Be open and honest with your husband about your feelings and fears and come up with ways he can help you; like telling you before he contacts his ex or talks to her, involving you in that relationship so she sees you both as one. Also try never to say bad or hurtful things about your step son's mom. If you speak well of her (you can always find something good to truthfully say about someone no matter how minor)this will bring your step son and you closer. It is hard for him. He probably feels confusing feelings like if he likes you he will be unfaithful to his mother etc. Pray, Pray, Pray. God Bless and I pray that you all have a peaceful Holiday Season. B. E.

OK! I could go through a whole thing on being "Christian", but I won't. Firstly, you don't have to be "friends" with the ex. Being a Christian doesn't mean you have to be "friends", you just have to accept, understand, be cordial, and "loving" in a Christian way. Continue praying as that is what will help. Turn this concern over to God. Let it go, because it is obvious you are not able to handle it and God is up 24/7 and CAN! You need to stop studying Christianity and put it into practice. This may sound harsh but we love to say we are Christian but we need to walk the walk if we are to talk the talk. We have to take it outside the building we know as a church. The other thing you have to sink into your head is that you ARE the other woman in this situation. You ARE the third person and you are NOT your stepson's mother. Your stepson may be having a hard time with this situation emotionally. His parents are no longer a couple-his perfect world of a family has been broken. You can't be the one to fix it at this point. Don't push anything. Be a loving and nurturing person and he will grow to like you maybe as a friend, confidant or eventually a "step-mother". It is not in your time, but God's time. You need to pray for this as well. Pray for strength, compassion and patience for yourself and understanding, and patience for your step-son. You will have to make this relationship between yourself and your husband's first family work. Be a good mother to your own child and you will be a mother by positive example. Your step-son will be watching you and how you treat others. Let him see the goodness in you and he will come around. Your husband's former wife will thank you for being a good person to HER child and your husband will love you for what you have done for HIS son. This is what Christianity is about.

Everyone has a past. Since you married someone else their past becomes part of your past. Your husband and his ex will always be connected because of the child. That happens when you have kids with someone. You dont have to be best friends with her. Nobody should be pushing you to be best friends with her. You do need to learn how to "get along" with her. I dislike my husbands ex because she cheated on him when they were married and now he is forever worried that I am gonna cheat also. She also dived out of her responsibilty of taking care of their daughter which adds another child to me. She is completely out of the picture but keeps popping up all around me. I know eventually I will have to get over it. We have been married for 7 yrs and it is still a problem I deal with.

As for getting closer to the step-son.....that depends on how old the child is. The older the child the older the problems. They get set in their ways and then it is hard to fit someone else into the picture. Sometimes you have to just "get along" till the ultimate of them leaving the nest happens. I know I was 13 when my dad remarried for the 3rd time. I am 33 and still do not like my step-mom. You shouldnt be trying to be his friend just let him know that you care about him and you are willing to help him when he needs it. Be willing to listen to him about anything without "being mean". Step-moms have that rap even from fairy tales. Find something that you both enjoy and go with it. If you are fair and show him you care the relationship will develop on its own.

Relax. Give yourself time. Some people "click" and others don't. You and his ex may not click, and may never be buddy-buddy, but you can and probably will become more comfortable with her as time goes by and you feel more solid in your new relationships and make your own history with your husband, stepson, and the ex. Don't pressure yourself to feel things immediately that are out of a story book, because you know real life isn't that way. Be nice to the ex, let life go on, and someday you will probably feel much better about the whole situation. Same with the stepson. Don't be in a rush. Do the regular stuff of life and let the feelings grow slowly.

M., You have to understand that your husband and his ex will always be part of each others lives because of their son. It is not optional. It sounds like she is trying to be civil to you. You can thank God for that. At least she isn't trying to start trouble. I am sure that she does not want to be your best friend but she wants to keep peace. She is absolutely doing the right thing for her son. The more her son sees that everyone can get along the more secure he will feel. That is the most important thing. Imagine if there were always harsh words exchanged and he was having to choose sides. It would be horrible for that child. You should thank God that your husband and his ex have this civil relationship even though their romantic relationship is over.
I understand that you feel awkward right now but it will get easier as long as everyone keeps doing what they are doing right now. You just let that little boy know that you love him and will always be there for him. Tell him everyday. It's not hard to love a child even if it is not "yours". Your husband married you because he loves YOU and his 1st marriage is OVER but the relationship with her is not because of his son. It doesn't mean that he still loves her and she still loves him but that they collectively love their son. That love will never be broken. Keep that in mind and that may help with the feelings of awkwardness. Also realize that he had a life before you came along and you also had a life before he came along. Best wishes to you and your new family!!

hi, the best thing you can do to get closer to your stepson is to get along with his mother. i have 3 steps of 21 years and things wear not good at first between their mom and dad. i decided to be kind and open and positive with the wx and very quickly thing got sooo much better. to this day we are friendly with each other . now that there are grandkids we see that side of the famliy a lot. also my husband and i have a 10 yr old and 8 yr old together and they love there brothers and sisters mom. they even call the steps grandparents nanny and paw paw. i think what the heck. they can never have too many people who love and care about them. anyway. i would try to be friendly with her. you might just get allong pretty good. this is also a good example for the children to see. your step son love his mom and he will see your kindness and take note. good luck. mama of 7. R.

M.,
I also am a Christian and have stepchildren and no it is not wrong to not want to be friends with the ex. Ask yourself this. Does your husband expect this of you? How does he get along with your ex? You can be cordial to the ex when she is dropping off or picking up or whatever without going on a girls day out with her.
I have to wonder why she want's to be friends with the new spouse, she should not be in your and your husband's life that much unless she is discussing the child. How can he move on if she won't go away? I would be feeling awkward and questioning her motive.
Of course it's awkward being around her just remember to build her up in front of her son, don't get "catty" with her (unless she starts it!) and not in front of the boy. When it comes to our kids me and my ex make the final decisions for our kids and my husband and his ex make the decisions for his kids so she and I or my ex and hubby don't have to get upset with each other. As a christian we are supposed to love one another but I say keep your eyes open. Trust your gut, maybe you have a problem around her because you are sensing some motive here.

M.,
Like you I became an instant mom to my oldest, but I have 8 years experience at it. He still calls me by my name and I am fine with that. My husband and his mom do not have the greatest relationship now, but they are cordial. I actually do most of the correspondence with her. We were both from the same small town and have several of the same aquaintences. As for creating a relationship with your son, I suggest finding an activity that is just your's. It can be anything from a video game to an outing. My son and I used to go to a matinee movie once a week. That became harder when we had other children. We still try to give him the individual attention that he doesn't get at his mom's. Good luck!!

M.,
She has probably just wants to make life as easy as possible for her son, and that means getting along with you. You don't have to be friends with the ex, but you are going to have to find peace with the whole situation for the sake of everyone. That means coming to terms with what it is that is causing you to feel insecure and face it. She is going to be around whether you like it or not, and when everyone can be comfortable and communicative, then the better for the child. The son probably picks up on your insecurity and awkwardness with the whole situation, and that puts him off. Kid are intuitive like that. I think that once you put these negative feelings behind you, then your relationship with your stepson will grow. These things take time, so don't be too hard on yourself. It's obvious you care a great deal and that is the most important part.

Hi M.! I am in a similiar boat. I have just become engaged. I have two daughters from my first marriage and he has a son from his. Both of our ex's live close by and we maintain very amicable relationships. We have actually formed relationships based on what we feel works best for our kids. While his ex and I are not best buddies, and probably never will be and vice versa, we are able to spend time together for the benefit of the kids. We trick or treated together (my fiance and I and both of our exes and the kids) and we have invited his ex to spend Christmas with my extended family as she has nowhere else to go. It was awkward at first and our friends all think we have lost our minds, but this has allowed all of us to be with our kids for special occassions. I think this has been possible mostly because I am very secure in our relationship and am positive what their marriage was based on is no longer a factor. Keep in mind that you should find what works best for your family and what is in the best interest of the kids, and do not let others dictate how you should feel. Good luck!

Hi M.,

I also have a an ex wife that I got, by marring my husband and a stepson. At first it was really hard but as time went on it did get better. It was difficult for me to know that this woman that I now have to have in my life, was whom my husband wanted to spend the rest of his life with before me. But things happen for a reason and you need to find the reason for you in your husbands life and your stepson.
Being a step child myself is sometimes difficult. My step son knows that I am no way here to be his mother but I am an important fiqure in his life and he has to respect me like I do him. I have had a easier time, because I meet my step son when he was two and he is now turning eleven. So he knows nothing but me. Instead of thinking about how you feel about your step son, think about how he feels and what he needs from you.
I wish my ex wife and I could be friends. We are civil to each other but we really only talk when it is time to get our son. I do send her birthday and Christmas cards every year. It is important for your step son to see you respect his mother. Also, think about your husband and how he might feel about your child from your previous marriage. How would you want your husband to treat him or her?
Another great example of this blended family is Will Smith and Jada Pinket. I do not really follow stars but I do know that she sets a great example of how a step mother should be.
You are on the right path for being a wonderful step mother, by praying and asking advice. Have an open heart.

God bless,
R.

Divorces are tough on children. It is always easier on the children when the adults try to get along. When you don't get along it often forces the child to choose sides. That is an uncomfortable position to be in for children. You don't have to be "best friends" with your husband's ex, just be pleasant, communicate, and don't ever say one negative word about her in front of her child or when her child is in your house and life will be much easier on everyone.

well you are married now. and in a strange way that makes you family. if you dont feel comfortable around her then just see her when you have to no one said you have to be best friends. good luck

M.,

You've already gotten some worthwhile advice. One thing that's true is everyone's situation is different. You didn't specify how old the children were, but if they are still young, that's better! :) I married my husband six years ago and he had custody of his 10 & 6 yr. old boys. (I've known them since they were 6 & 2) Being a step-parent has a lot of stereo-typical things that come with it and it's NOT easy, but I love these boys like my own children. (I have two more now, as well). Just love them, care for them and that will translate to them in there own way to help them form a relationship with you. Kids are resilliant. My boys still see their Mom (some holidays, one month in the summer - she lives in another state) and I remember knowing from day one that they needed to know that I wasn't there to "replace" their Mom, nor did I want to do that. I don't know what the arrangement are for you guys, but even though we have limited encounters, it is still hard for me (after 6 years) as well. I am a Christian also, and I can get along with anyone, for the most part, but I think it is our human nature to have those feelings about the "ex". The other's were right...the past is the past, and there is a reason that he is married to you now and not her. My husband thinks that when the kids are 18, we won't have to deal with her anymore, but there will always be ties, so keep praying (as am I) that God will change your heart on this matter. That she is trying to be "friendly" IS a good sign. Proceed with caution...be cordial....because the kids are watching and it will affect them. And you can't control what happens or is said when they are not with you, but don't ever speak badly about their mother in front of them, train them to be good people, treat them as your own and just love them! It may be what they need most!

I wish you the best!
B. A.

Well, your request is . . . . different. Usually the 'ex' is causing trouble! Is there an underlying REASON you find it hard to relate w/her? Have you heard horrible stories, do you think she's two-faced, or that she's trying to win your husband back or something? If so, go by your instincts. If not and she's genuinely truing to be cooperative and kind, you'll only harm yourself by resisting her kindness. Here's my guideline:
If you're trying to convince yourself (and/or God, friends, . . . whoever) that you shouldn't have to interact with her, then you probably already know in your heart that you SHOULD. If you're trying to convince 'whoever' that you should get along with her, you probably already realize that it's not prudent (or even possible) to. You're the only one who can work this out. No one else can tell you.

M., you did not say whether or not your stepson lives with you. That can make a lot of difference. If he doesn't, and you are only around the "ex" for birthdays,sports events, ect., my advice is to be cordial, but keep your distance. Remember, there was life before your marriage to your current husband. There is a reason they are no longer married, and being friends with an "ex", can brew more trouble than you can imagine. You will ALWAYS feel like a third wheel when it comes to your stepson. Most stepchildren feel that the new husband or wife broke up their home, even if they didn't. I tried at one point to be friends with my husband's ex, and all she ended up doing was picking little nothings that she would obtain from our conversations, and convert them into things to try to turn her daughters against me. They spent every other weekend with us, and when they would start spilling these things that their mother said, it was devistating to me. I gradually found other things to do on occasions when I would have to be around her. If it was a birthday, I would have a small celebration at our house on the weekend they were here, and send a gift to the "real" party. I always ask them how their mother is doing, and NEVER, NEVER say anything negative about her around my stepdaughters. Life is much better when you leave the past, in the past.