Happy New Year to you all :)
I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for the great advice I read through before Christmas. So I guess this is a SWH of sorts, even though I wasn't the one asking the questions. I took away some good advice from responses and decided to give it a go over the holidays especially when dealing with some trying situations. And it was really helpful.
There was advice on how to deal with tricky in-laws and family members, negative personalities and such. The best advice I found was seeing negative people differently - using compassion. I think Marda may have been the one to suggest this. What a difference this made for me in dealing with my MIL this year. Typically I don't look forward to our Christmas visit because she complains throughout that we don't do enough. Instead of going into it with my defences up I realized she's just lonely. And anxious.
My husband and I had counselling on how to enforce boundaries and be firm with her. Which has worked all these years, but it takes effort to keep them up with her because she can be so needy. So I view her in general as tiresome, then I feel awful for feeling that way about my husband's mother. It's just been negative and it's one part of my life that I always wished I could do something about. That was the missing piece. Compassion. Because now I see her differently - not so much as a drain, but someone who's not really in a good place. We can encourage her to do more with her life, but it's not our responsibility. Funny - but that one change in thinking made all the difference. We actually had a pleasant visit and she didn't complain. Maybe our attitude going in was positive and she responded in kind.
You all share so much of your personal experiences - just wanted to thank you for all the good tidbits :)
I love this site for the very reasons you just wrote about.
Someone always makes me think differently or at least consider a different perspective.
Thanks for writing this ;-)
i'm often surprised at how much a little tweak of my own attitude toward something entirely changes the dynamic.
i'm also grateful to MP for reminding me frequently that i CAN do that.
i'm so glad you had a better holiday because of it, dear M.. i'll throw my thanks into the ring with yours!
:) khairete
S.
M., that was really nice. Thank you for sharing. I believe Marda is a brain-trust for a lot of good advice and perspective. And it's great you were able to find some compassion for someone who probably really needs it.
I hope your kids are enjoying their first day back to school. That freezing rain gave me a little cabin fever-- was great to be able to walk Kiddo to school today and know that we are back in the swing of things!
So glad you gleaned some helpful info. Amazing what another perspective can do, isn't it! I find what you have found, that compassion (even pity) can change how you see things - it's more about the other person's limitations than your failings.
My husband has a complicated relationship with his adult daughters. I think it has to do with them being raised by such a needy mother - now they are all about themselves and their own needs, can go a long time without seeing their father, and then they feel terrible and just procrastinate even more. It's a sad cycle. We were cleaning some old papers and I found a letter from 20 years ago from one of them saying "I don't know why I don't call you, I don't know why I do X, Y, Z" - and she's still singing that tune. He was a great father as much as his ex would allow (we did the slumber parties and the school projects and the table manners and much more, while she did drugs, withheld info and visitation, made us reschedule our wedding date and all kinds of other passive-aggressive stuff). One stepdaughter thinks she's supposed to be invited to send her father a birthday card, that she doesn't have to do it unless someone requests it! She thinks her father, mother and all her friends should call her every single day until such time as she decides to answer. She schedules get-togethers and then bails - goes silent, you know? With everyone. Crazy. Her Facebook post from the other day is this: "Never be angry at someone for being who they've always been. Be angry at yourself for not coming to terms with it sooner." I thought it was such a sad commentary on her life, especially because she recognizes it - and I'm working to stay compassionate and pitying, rather than frustrated.
So yeah, sometimes people just show you who they are, and you have to believe them. It has nothing to do with you - it's often their own need to feed their own pain.
It is amazing what a little compassion for our fellow human beings can do! And what a great example to set for your children because you never know, one day you might be that lonely mother in law.
That's fabulous. And what a wonderful growth experience for you. :)
