Thanks for All the Input.

With my 3.5 yo DD, she STILL doesn't want to be a "big girl."

However, after watching Daniel Tiger, she LOVES being "big and strong!"

So, instead of asking her to do something like a big girl, I will instead tell her that whatever activity is what big and strong little girls do.

It's all in the wording. ;) maybe you can experiment a bit...

Big and strong, good helper, growing girl, something. Especially if you can relate it to a show/activity/whatever she already loves.

I understand the idea of taking the crib down for a few months only to put it back up again is not pleasant. It sounds like a lot of work, and you'd rather just leave the crib up. But t might go a long way towards helping you daughter through this transition.

Also, try to focus on just enjoying this time with her. Compliment her on new things she can do, but really just have fun with her. Two and a half months is an eternity to her. You have lots of time before the baby comes.

Relax, it will be ok.

Whether you realize it or not, there's a lot of talk about the baby coming. She hears everything.
It's scary for her; she doesn't know what to expect... how would you feel if your husband came home one day and said, "hey honey, look at this new woman I brought home. She's going to live with us. Aren't you excited??"
Validate her feelings. She is still the baby and she's needing reassurance from you. Snuggle her, cuddle her tell how special and loved she is.
Check out the book, Siblings Without Rivalry...

Aside from the crib, which is already done, don't take anything else away from her to give to the baby. She will feel replaced and will be more likely to regress if she sees that she will lose things because she's not the baby anymore. I also think a toddler bed is pointless. My daughter just turned 3 and is going straight from her crib to a twin sized bed. I don't see the point in creating another transition.

Anyway, since you have 2.5 months to go, I think you might be best off laying off talking about the baby for awhile. Why make her go through 10 weeks of feeling this way? It's not going to change her reaction when the baby comes. So give her these last few weeks to feel like your special baby instead of trying to make her grow up now.

Your toddler is not a big girl just because you are having another baby. Toddlers are toddlers, not big girls and boys. The fact that you are expecting does not make your daughter any more mature or ready for changes than a child her age who is not expecting a baby sibling. Kids tend to regress, not mature, when a new baby comes. Please don't depend on a not even 3 year old to meet your needs for when the baby comes. Your son's maturity was his personality, not his age or the fact that there was a new baby. Please, meet your toddler's needs instead of pushing her ahead at this time.
ETA: About the crib/beds issue, I would move the crib into your bedroom. Forget the bassinette. Put the crib in there now, where your daughter won't see it. You need to figure out some other solution than toddler bed/bunk beds. Toddler beds are for toddlers. If you keep the baby in the crib til she's your daughter's age, you'll have an almost 6 year old in a toddler bed, who may then not want or feel safe in a bunk bed.

Stop with the big girl talk and about sharing her stuff. She won't be sharing things for a long time. Baby will need baby things not her toys. She's probably wiggng out if you have a lot of big conversations about letting the baby share her stuff. If your daughter is 2 she's young to really grasp what's going on. Take the crib down. Put it out of site for the next few months. Baby will be in your room for awhile anyway. Give your daughter a rest from the New baby talk. When the baby gets here will be soon enough to talk about it. She might regress some do but she might in a couple months be more able to cope

Ditto the posters saying not to push her to be a big girl or tell her that she has to share with the baby. Bad, bad idea. You're setting her up for being jealous. If she wants to be held like a baby, hold her. However, if you are nursing and she wants to nurse or take a bottle, laugh at her and just say that she has teeth and only little babies do that! (Okay, not quite true, but that doesn't matter here.) Instead, offer her something that she loves that little babies can't have, and make a big point of it. Make sure that you tell her that little babies can only eat, sleep and cry and it isn't until they get to be big like her, that they can do fun things.

I also agree with asking her to be your special helper. Never say "I can't because of the baby..." Always say something else like "We'll do that in a little while..." and then follow through. You will need to really spend some quality time with her.

Do keep the baby in the bassinet in your room until you feel for sure that your daughter is happy around the baby and no longer jealous. Talk to your ped about additional things to help. If they have to share a room while the baby is tiny, you want to make sure that the baby is safe. Your toddler is barely out of "babydom" herself and has poor impulse control. You have to really supervise.

First, I would encourage you to drop the words "big girl" from your vocabulary.

You are wanting her to be more mature than she is, because she may be feeling like she has no 'spot' of her own. She obviously doesn't want to move from the crib, but I wouldn't have included "baby will be using the crib" in that conversation, just "now you are old enough for a real bed", period. I'd also take a break on mentioning the baby for now. This is an enormous new unknown for her. (Think about all of the moms on this site who had a hard time transitioning their little ones from the crib to the toddler bed, without the added stress of an unseen-yet-considered sibling....this is very normal behavior.) She doesn't understand how much her life is about to change, but already changes are being forced upon her. She needs to grapple with these already-challenging changes on her own without the added element of 'well, grow up, sweetie, because you don't get baby status any more'.

I'd change the language to calling her Baby#1 and Baby#2 can be in the womb. She needs you to let her feel little, still.

Please do not compare how your son did in this situation to how your daughter is doing. They are two different people. She may want to help, or she may want a baby doll to do some 'parallel' caregiving play to what you are doing with baby. That, to me, would be a more neutral inclusion of your daughter at her own level of ability. Older siblings run a range of emotions when a new baby comes.

Personally, I'd consider moving baby's crib to your own room in the first few months. My own rule, when I was a nanny, was to never leave two young children alone together unsupervised.Even if I had to go to the bathroom, I'd put baby in the crib and have the older child in a different room playing. At these ages, leaving them alone together is not smart. It's very easy for a young child to unintentionally hurt the baby (even bringing too many stuffed animals to the crib, etc.) If it were me, I'd move that crib into my own room, because I'd want big sister to sleep well AND I'd want to know that baby was safe. That would be my own solution.

I should add, too, that in my time working with children, I often see the most stress and upset from children when their parents are actively trying to 'prepare' them for something. Here's why it is often a mistake: children do NOT think the way we do; their mind's don't work the way ours do. They live in the present and any situation they have not yet personally encountered is only abstract to them, therefore, unreal. They don't have the base of knowledge to draw upon that we adults do. I have seen parents do this time and again-- they 'talk up' something (new preschool, moving, kindergarten) and the child, instead of being reassured, is upset and angry. They aren't being allowed to just stay in the present (which is their norm at your daughter's age-- ALL she knows is the present) and then the parents are asking them to understand something they have never experienced. So, to most well-meaning parents, trying to do transitional work ahead of the game seems reasonable, but to the child it is a giant imposition upon their sense of peace and being accepted 'just as they are'. I hope this explanation can help you perhaps understand your own daughter's possible perspective on this. This isn't just my observation over 20 years of working with kids, either, it's an observation you will find in a lot of child development text. Your little girl is just fine!

I understand what you are saying.

Each child is their own person. They develop in different ways at different times. They do this as THEY develop.

We can introduce ideas to them, but until they are ready, they will not budge. We can withhold ideas but sometimes, they develop a lot faster than we plan or really want.

But they over all cannot be pushed if they are just not ready. If it is a strong child they may rebel and then revert to a younger self for preservation. She is telling you she is just not ready.

Yes, they will share a room when the new baby is ready to be in that room, but won't you have a bassinet for the new baby for first few months in your room? Is it something you would consider? This way the Crib could totally be put away and brought back in about 6 to 8 months..

This way your little girl could have a real transition.

I would also quit teasing her about being a big girl. She is not ready for that responsibility yet. She needs to be able to follow her natural maturity. It is good that you give her praise for her "big girl moments", but she is actually using her words to tell you, she is still a baby girl.

She is almost ready to be your "big helper". When the baby comes, ask her to be your "Big helper" and bring you a baby diaper. Always tell her thank you when she does this cheerfully. Ask her to hold the container of baby wipes. Ask her to hold the blanket until the baby can be swaddled. Again, what a great helper. But wait a while until you start using the term "Big Girl". She is sensitive ti this term.

She may even announce she is now a big girl or a Big Sister. Follow her lead. But avoid overwhelming her before that time.

Toddlers are not big girls / boys - they are still babies. Show her how much you love her. Remove the crib - because she will want it if it is available. I also second the no bunk beds thing - it's too soon for that. Even without another kid - toddler beds can be a mission and it takes quite a while to come to terms with them. Mine just woke up and decided she doesn't want to sleep in her bed - she'd rather sleep on cold hard tiles!

You are going to have jealousy - and the only way to curb some of it is to make her feel confident that she's not somehow losing with the addition of a sibling.

Why won't you take down the crib? Seems logical to me that as long as the crib is there she will want to sleep in it. I suggest it's unreasonable to expect her to quit using a crib that is available. You said the baby won't be using the crib for several months and the room is crowded with the two beds. I 'd let her sleep in the crib and put the toddler bed away. I would also skip the toddler bed. Using your logic, a toddler bed is not a big girl bed.

As for being a big girl, I suggest you look at her behaviour in terms unrelated to the comparison between big girl and baby. She is working through the idea that there will be a baby. She is asking "will you still love me?" by asking you to still treat her in ways that give her comfort. Let her be a baby when she wants to be a baby. It's to be expected that she will at times be a big girl and at times be a baby. Growth is a process and not an either/or.

The more you treat her from where she's at, a baby, the easier it will be for her to become a big girl. She and your new baby can both be babies. She shouldn't have to give up who she is.

aw, she IS still a baby! and she is clearly freaked out by the impending baby about to usurp her position.
i think it's time to quit 'preparing' her. let the big girl talk go, and ease up on talking up the baby. maybe if you don't worry so about the jealousy and transitional problems they won't be as bad as you think.
let her be the toddler she is, and let her express her worries to you as well as her limited communications skills will allow instead of telling her how she SHOULD be feeling.
she is very small, after all.
khairete
S.

She's insecure about the new baby. If you can stop talking about that, it might help. She's not really "excited" of course - as you say, she has no idea what you're talking about or what it will mean. She just knows that she's being asked to be different than she is, and that's scary and causes insecurity.

I think you have to make a decision on the bed: either she stays in the crib now and you forget the toddler bed, or you remove the crib entirely and she doesn't have a choice.

Everything she's doing, every privilege she has, she associates with RIGHT NOW - and that means with her being the youngest. She doesn't want to give that up. If your son has additional privileges as a "big boy" she may yearn for some of that, but it has to be gradual and not in line with talk about the new baby.

Try to line up a LOT more extra help than you think you might need, so that you can do things with the older kids while someone else watches the baby, and so that she can have extra fun doing "big kid" stuff rather than sitting home with you and a baby who naps. It's a little harder to arrange big kid stuff in the winter when you are restricted by weather and shorter days, but if you can put a structure in place now, that might help you do less planning and arranging when the baby comes.

Some of the regression you just may need to deal with and be patient with. One thing I would NOT do is try to push potty training with your daughter - you don't need another battleground. Just bite the bullet and plan on having 2 kids in diapers.

Good luck and congrats on the new baby.

Not sure if anyone mentioned this below, but unless there are space or logistics issues, you could possibly put the baby's crib in your son's room. He might do better with that than your daughter would do with having the baby's crib in her tiny room, right there as a constant reminder that she's been replaced as the crib's occupant. If the new baby is a girl there is still no reason at all she can't be in a boy's room for a time, not at these ages. Some people would say, oh, you can't put a girl in a room with a boy but there is zero logic behind that for a baby and a five-year-old.

Perhaps best of all was the suggestion that you have the baby in your own bedroom for a time at least. Many, many families have a newborn in a bassinet in the parents' bedroom for the first few months (not forever - that's not great for mom or dad). That could give your toddler time to adjust a little more.

As for the rest of the adjustment, and the fact that you are expecting too much from your toddler and need to ramp those expectations way back -- see Nervy Girl's excellent response. In particular I hope you never say to your toddler that "Son was fine when you were born and I hope you'll be just like he was!" because that will get your daughter resentful not only of the new baby but of big brother too. No comparisons.

If you haven't already, I'd get several good books on child development to help you reset your expectations for both your children when this big change happens.

Some kids really want to be a 'big kid' and for them, using this language is a great motivator.

But other kids see their role as NOT the big kid, and you can't push them otherwise.

So, change your language. Start telling your DD that she is your 'best little girl'.

As for the crib, I know it's a hassle to take it down, but it sounds like you need to do this, and tell your daughter that it's time for her to sleep in her little girl bed (the toddler bed).

Okay, bunk beds are NOT for kids as young as yours so you need to rethink that. Put your stuff in their room and let them have the bigger room if you need to.

My long time friend from jr. high lost her elementary age son when he fell off the top bunk and hit his head. She was right there too, he just missed the edge of the bed and fell off and died. Don't do bunk beds.

As for the toddler bed, they are for toddlers and not pre-school age kids. You said you had no choice so I do understand this. She's really to old to be in a toddler bed and if she's a normal size kid it won't last long for her.

I still think I'd move her and the baby bed into the largest room in the house so she can have more space to play and enjoy her room.

If at all possible let them have separate rooms. Once she is 3 she will have toys that are choke hazards for the baby. If they share a room ALL toys will have to be moved to a room that is not accessible to the baby at any time.

I don't normally put different genders together to share a room but with this situation I'd put the 2 older kids together and the baby by herself. It sounds like you'll only have room for a comfortable chair and the baby bed. This way the older boy and the girl can have their toys and play without having the stress and worry about lego's, hot wheels, doll shoes, shoe strings, etc...being where baby can pick them up and put them in her mouth.

A few months may make a big difference.

Your girl is doing the best she can. She may be older than her soon-to-arrive sister, but she's still *very* young. Don't push her. Don't use "big girl" as a manipulative term. You may feel like tearing your hair out at this point, but it's hard to maneuver a toddler, and you don't need to, probably.

When the baby is right in the family, it will be different. Your "bigger girl" can look at her, help with her, and become aware of the differences between them. She will get it worked out in her head that she's still important *as herself*, not just as the family baby. She may be much, much more willing to upgrade to a bed after that.

You are correct, if you don't address this properly you will have jealousy issues when your baby comes home.

I had jealousy issues with my oldest, and I did not address it correctly. I tried reasoning with him and trying to convince him that he was the big boy. THAT DOES NOT WORK.

What works, I learned later on, and the only thing that works, is to mirror their emotions. That means that when she says she's the baby, you say, "Yes, you are the baby." And you can add, "And this is your new baby bed."

I guarantee you, you will NOT talk her out of wanting to be the baby. But if you mirror her emotions, you will get more of what you want. When she has these feelings, agree with them. Do not try to convince her otherwise.

Find a way to agree with her, yet make the necessary changes like getting her a new bed. Keep mirroring her through all or any jealousy she exhibits once the new baby arrives. Always mirror her emotions. Hold her like a baby if she wants it. Feed her like a baby if she wants it. Addressing these needs, and "filling her cup," so to speak, will get her to act like a big girl much faster than any other technique.

I have many regrets that I learned this technique a little too late. My home would have been a lot more harmonious if I had given my oldest son what he needed. I promise you mirroring their emotions works.

I like the idea below of putting the baby in your son's room or your room. All great advice below.

We switched my son (2.5) to a big boy bed a month ago since we'll be needing the crib for his new brother come spring. To try to minimize the "I want my crib" whining we just bypassed the toddler bed completely since it's basically just the crib with the side off and went to an actual bed (mattress on the floor until he's big enough to climb in an actual bed). The crib and crib mattress were taken apart and put in storage. Out of sight, out of mind. He's not mentioned the crib once since we made the switch. She might do better with a bed that looks more like a real bed rather than the toddler/crib bed combo. Good luck!