Thanks - Chicago,IL

I would plan a family (you - hubby - and kids) a weekend or maybe a week away the week of the wedding. This woman is being selfish and childish.

ADD: The more I thought about this, the more I thought that the talking to your husband thing is important. Your friendship changed over time, you both didn't communicate well. You were judgemental of her wedding planning. You let all of this get wrapped up into one thing. She handled it badly as well.

Both of you are grownups and need to act like grownups. Causing family strife over something that isn't really important - and this isn't. She's going crazy planning her wedding - 99% of brides are wound up by this stuff.

See if hubby can help you get a handle on things re. his sister's frame of mind. Once you calm down, maybe it would be worth taking her out for lunch and apologizing - because if you actually value the friendship, you'll want to REPAIR it. If you can get to a good place where you can ask for a 2nd chance because you'd like to be in the wedding with your husband and children, ask. But don't be bossy about it.

You both screwed up, but you need to be the one to make the first step because you went off on her.

ORIGINAL: Talk to your husband. If the situation were reversed and my sister said hubby was out of the wedding but I and my kid could be in it, I would say "Thanks but no thanks - we're a family and it's all or none. Have a nice day". But that's me.

I would be doing the happy dance. It sounds like it's been beyond stressful for you and I can't imagine why she even asked you to be her MOH if she doesn't even like you. I would send an "apology" email to her saying you are sorry to responded in anger and you understand now that you are not as close as you used to be and you likely won't have the relationship you wished you could have. Say you wish her the best and of course your hubs and girls will be in the wedding and you hope that you can attend as a guest as you are still family and would hate to have it "documented" (you missing in pics) that you were not there for such a big event. Then I would mention to MIL that you have been relieved of your MOH duties and will be stepping back from all planning. Done. Be nice and civil, don't speak ill of her in front of anyone and if anyone asks what happened, you just say it appears that we have grown apart but wish the best for each other. No other explanation is needed. I know it's hard to know that for whatever reason she doesn't want to be close to you so it has ran its course and it's ok. Try not to take it personally and move on. Good luck!

ETA after seeing Jill T's post: This actually happened to my mom and I with my cousin. She got pregnant very young, ended up in a shot gun wedding. We were both invited to that wedding and went. Then the same thing happened for her 2nd wedding a few years later. There were some underlying issues she was clearly having with us, although we could not figure out what. Although we were invited and attended the wedding, when they were getting all the "family" together for pics, they specifically told my mom and I that we could "go ahead to the reception". So we were not included (we are a small family, her and I only children so we were like sisters). So it was very obvious we were missing from the pics. So years goes by, she apologizes for the way she treated us and actually said that she hated seeing her family wedding pic because we were not included. My point being, you all may be fighting now, but that doesn't mean she won't come to her senses eventually, apologize and be nice to you again. So I think you should go to the wedding and attend and not make a big scene about the hubs and kids. Good luck.

So this is DH's sister? Talk to him. See if he still wants to be in the wedding or not.

What Doris Day said.

You're complaining about being "overlooked" and "left out of the loop" then you run errands, use the treadmill, demand notice of a visit of which you were already aware, then text her to leave your house?

I'm sorry--how was this mending the formerly close relationship?

She was right there. Couldn't you have asked to speak to her for a few minutes in private?

Look, the MOH main duty is to support and tolerate the bride, no matter how much of a B she gets to be.

This is your husband's sister and your children's aunt.
Be the bigger person.
Apologize and beg, yes, BEG for forgiveness.
Think of all of the future holidays, etc.
Mend this now.

I happen to feel sorry for you.

I'd bet when you were learning to negotiate things in your family, you learned to avoid confrontations and not to be assertive. In this situation, you tried to contact your sil but to no avail. Instead of clearing the air, you hide at every chance. Till the volcano of hurt feelings exploded inside you and then all over everybody. Stuffing feelings doesn't work in anyone's favor.
I would bet what you said wasn't as bad as you think, you just are surprised you said anything!

Try to work on being assertive. Not aggressive, assertive. Read some books and then change your way of reacting. Tell people directly what you want and need. Right now you want to be at the wedding. That's the best that can happen at this point. Find a way to make that happen.

Then your sil. Oy. There are some tell tell signs of personality disorder.
Some people tend to have very black and white thinking. They can relate very well to you while they are together but once you are out of sight, they compleatly can not relate. It's a kind of protective mechanism. Not sound thinking but that's what they do.

Then there is the complete lying and denial of truth to protect her reputation. She knows she should have been talking to you so she lied to her mother to cover. She will throw you under the bus if you come between her concept of herself and reality. Her denial of her conversation with her brother is the same thing.

So what to do? I am so sorry but your sil is not the same person she was. You need boundaries. You need to see her in a different light. I suspect a mentally ill one. Keep your conversations impersonal. Do not involve yourself in her life. Stop texting and no emailing. If you are speaking on the phone with her try to put it on speaker phone so you have witnesses.
You have a chance to disengage and I would take it in a heartbeat!

I don't get it. You were obviously important enough that she asked you to be her MOH. Unless she has no other friends, she must have thought pretty highly of you to ask you. I understand why you have felt out of the loop since she neglected to tell you important milestones in her life but your response when she is around is to go run errands? What!?! She then tells your husband she is coming over the next morning but that is not good enough for you. She must communicate with you. Why? I would open my door to any neighbor that stopped by on a Saturday to visit but instead you decide to get on the treadmill then text her to leave your house. Yikes!
Brides are often self absorbed and selfish. Quite frankly if I was the bride I would not want the drama either and understand why she kicked you out of the wedding party. Personally, I think you should go as a guest to the wedding because of your husband and kids. Do not make this about you again. It would be so wrong if you make your husband miss his sister's wedding.

I'm sorry she is being so awful. I would have your husband tell her that you, him and the kids will not be at the wedding. You are a package deal. She can not exclude just you. I hope your husband stands up for you and fully supports you and is with you.

Oh, man, this is all too juvenile for words. She sounds immature, or something, and maybe you too, if you "let loose with a barrage of things and spared no one's feelings.

You do owe her an apology, regardless of what she did. And you don't have the right to decide that her decisions about her own wedding are "hasty and reckless" -- it's her freakin' wedding, no matter how much of a PITA she is.

Be the better person, apologize profusely without expecting an apology back, and let your husband and kids be in the wedding without you. Sit in the audience and take pictures. Let all animosity go - it is pointless.

That's what I would do.

In the future, refrain from letting loose with barrages that spare no one's feelings, there is no excuse for those.

Reading below: Package deal my a$$. Do you really want to turn this into a decades-long war? Who freakin' cares? Your kids will look cute in the wedding, and maybe your husband. Enjoy watching them.

ooh it bugs me when people delete their questions!! Now I have to read through other people's answers - and I don't like to do that - I don't want my words influenced by others. I saw the title before I went to dinner with my girlfriend and was going to respond...guess I shouldn't have waited!

So let me get this straight - you were kicked out of the wedding. Because you told her you thought her wedding plans were "reckless and whatever"....so she's a bridezilla and you are hurt and you don't your husband and kids to participate in the wedding?

It's HER wedding. NOT YOURS. Doesn't matter what you think or believe - it's HER wedding. As a member of the wedding party - it's your JOB TO SUPPORT HER. If she's freaking out - fine - tell her she's freaking out. but really? You SUPPORT HER.

So what do you do now? You be an adult. You smile, attend the wedding and take lots of pictures of your handsome husband and beautiful kids. It's THAT simple.

Someone used "butt hurt" today on facebook. I laughed. thought it was funny. So to ADD levity in this - are you butt hurt over this?!?! :) You really should be smiling...as this is how it is intended...to make you laugh.

Press on....be the adult...go to the wedding....have your husband and kids in the wedding. Don't make an issue. Really.

How does your husband feel about it?
Does HE want to participate in the wedding with the kids without you?
Do not confuse her wedding with what you didn't have.
You and Hubby can re-affirm your vows at any time and have a wedding experience for yourselves.
SIL has not been communicating well for awhile now.
What ever her problem is, it's HER problem.
Talk it over with Hubby and if he wants to ditch his sister's wedding, then you, him and the kids can go do something fun as a family away from bride-zilla when she ties the knot.
If he wants to be in it (with the kids) then you can come along as a guest and enjoy yourself without dealing with the wedding party goings on.
He'll just be walking down the aisle with a fellow witness (who happens to not be you) to the signing of the marriages certificate.

I think you both handled things poorly. I think your husband / her brother probably needs to step in... unless you think you can apologize for your part and initiate a conversation to let her get whatever she is feeling off her chest. Clearly, she is having some issues that have not been resolved.

Asking your SIL to admit how hurtful she has been may or may not be in the cards, so it's good that you recognize that. I think you just call her up and tell her you miss your relationship and you're not sure how things got so out of hand, but you want to try and fix them before the wedding.

It sounds as though you let things bottle up so much that your emotions made things worse. I guess I would approach it looking into the future. This is and always will be your husband's sister. Visualize the wedding, future Christmas get togethers, Easter, birthdays, baptisms, weddings, funerals, reunions, etc. and make a plan from there. You may have to be the bigger person if you want future extended family time to feel somewhat normal. I would NOT approach any apology of yours expecting an apology back from her. You could be setting yourself up for another blow-up.

Okay, part of me reads the quote "my husband and I did not have a wedding, nor have we ever been invited to be part of one, so it's just very disappointing for me." as maybe you are looking to use this opportunity to live out some fantasy regarding weddings. If that is the case stop it now - this is NOT your wedding in anyway shape or form.

SIL acted hastily, and so did you. YOUR reaction to her action is what caused the permanent damage here, hers could have been taken back after she thought about things. The all or nothing attitude that I am getting is also going to cause more damage and your husband may not be willing to pay that price for your words/actions.

At this point you need to apologize, you need to move forward with your family members in the wedding and you need to show up to that wedding happy and ready to "eat crow" because it's for the good of the family. AFTER the wedding and such if you feel you need to "hash things out" go ahead.

OR

You can decide that it's too late now and simply face the situation head on and be prepared for a family feud that will effect everyone as long as you both live.

You need to call her and ask her if you can speak in person. Tell her everything you are feeling, and find out why she is acting like she is. Communication about everything is what will clear this up. Don't make any rash decisions because it will effect your family life forever.

I agree with Osohapi except I wouldn't ask to be allowed to come to the wedding. If she can't respond with that much grace, I'd want to skip it. It's just a wedding and no one is going to scrutinize pictures someday. Even if she lets you come, you likely wouldn't be in formal pictures anyway. Tell your kids someday you did the picture taking of them and your husband. I'm sorry for how it worked out bc I can understand being really excited to be in a wedding. But she sounds ridiculous. You are better off without any more of this drama. Be done with it and be glad. Treat yourself to something nice and fun while they're at the wedding!! I bet you don't get time to yourself much. And be gracious when talkign to people vs bitter. Rise above all this and be the classy one. Remembe,r you can't change her, only your reaction to her.

While you were hugely and horribly in the wrong to text her to leave and to "let loose" with your barrage -- that was all extremely immature -- the damage is done.

After you apologize and apologize sincerely and at length (and do it in person), it is then up to your husband, NOT you, to tell his sister that though he knows you were told not to attend the wedding at all, he needs you there to help with the kids if he and the kids are in the wedding. Period. End of story. I would NOT use the inflammatory term "We're a package deal." Husband needs to say -- IF he still chooses to be in the wedding; he can choose not to, and if so, HE should pull the kids out too -- but if he is going to remain in the wedding party, he needs to tell his sister that the kids are going to need you there on the day.

Be aware: SIL likely will respond that MIL can handle the kids on the wedding day so you shouldn't come.

Husband needs to be prepared for that response and say: "This is a huge day for our mom, and she does NOT need to be chaperoning several young kids on this day; mom will want to focus on you, the bride. My wife needs to come because of the kids and my wife needs to come because I want her there, and I am in the wedding party, and I am your brother. My wife has apologized to you profusely and knows she blew it. I agree that she blew it. But she is not asking to be IN the wedding. She wants to be there because once long ago you were friends, and so that the children in your wedding party will behave appropriately and look good on the day."

In other words -- own up to your fault here (you already do, I know, and good for you for that) and then it is husband's responsibility to deal with his family. If sister says no way can you even darken the door of her wedding, it's husband's call whether he wants to bow out and take the kids out with him. I would wager that SIL would then ban you all forever from her life -- she sounds like the type. But this did take two of you to get as bad as it's gotten.

I wonder: You mention early on that you and she once were very close and you felt that she lost all touch and didn't care once she moved. I think that may be behind a lot of this drama. I wonder if there was some perceived slight she felt you gave her before she moved that caused all this--long, deep roots of your current conflict.

I'm curious what your husband's opinion is . . . he knows his sister and may have some good ideas on how to handle all this.

At this point I think I'd fall on my sword and apologize to her verbally. I'd tell her that I'm sorry things spun so far out of control, but that I love her and would like to serve her on her special day in whatever way she deems appropriate. And then I'd see where it goes from there. I'm not suggesting that you are totally in the wrong and that she is right. My suggestion is more along the lines of creating family peace.

I would NOT put anything negative in an email. Once it's out there it's out there forever.

Make a sincere verbal apology (leave her a voice message if you have to), stay positive, and take it from there.

Meanwhile I think I'd let my husband handle most of the dealings with his family from here on out. And I would let him know that if he does not do a good job setting reasonable boundaries I am going to hold HIM accountable.

JMO.

Haven't you ever heard the phrase that brides are "totally self involved" and don't even realize anyone else has anything going on.

She was busy planning her wedding and life was good. She is forgetful and only interested in her dress, the colors of her flowers, getting every slot filled with someone she wants to be part of her day, and what she's going to do with her hair and what shoes she is going to wear.

She has no interest in anything else.

She was being a bride. If this was any other event in her life her attitude would have been different. Probably different.

I think you were out of patience with her and you totally let it take you over. By avoiding her and not actually picking up the phone to call her, to ask what was going on with her, you got jealous of her life with new friends and not knowing what was happening with it. I think this would be a normal feeling to have, especially when she's talking about all the changes in her life that you don't even know about.

I think your relationship is terminally over. It cannot survive your tirade at her about everything "you" didn't get. I agree it should have been handled differently. You should have spoken voice to voice to her or had MIL do it. Showing up for the bride on her big day is an honor, not a special calling that says you get all her attention, even if it is for stuff about her. She should have responded to each and every message. But she was busy with her new life and she didn't, you got left behind.

I don't know what to think. Hubby and kids would be going if it were me. I'd be going to but sitting in the back so I could help my girls get ready and have some pictures.

You were both acting wrong IMO. But in the end you need to sit down with your husband and see how he feels about standing up without you and letting the kids be in the wedding. Discuss it with him and come to a choice as a family and move forward. Either way, if you acted wrong to your SIL you should apologize for it, but she sounds like she may owe you one as well, but bridzillas rarely see how they are acting until years later when they look back, so don't hold your breath.