Thanks - Midland,TX

What "people" are you referring to? I live in a relatively small town (at least by California standards, population about 16,000) and I can't imagine one person being able to know, let alone influence so many against another.
Something just doesn't add up here....

I sympathize with you. It's very painful. And your husband doesn't want to cut ties with the little family he has (since his father's family was driven away, it's Mom/Dad or nobody). What little energy he had once is now gone that he is disabled and in pain. (And let's not get started on how his mother's drama may be increasing his pain.)

You say she has twice been diagnosed as bipolar, but you don't believe it? Believe it. She is mentally ill. Yes, she seems to be able to turn it on and off, but that can easily be a function of the mental illness. My stepdaughter is bipolar, but there are triggers in the social environment that cause her to be perky and happy (excessively so), and others that send her into anger, depression and seclusion. So what these "friends" see when they come to you and defend her is the super social person that no one wants to believe is capable of terrible stuff. When your MIL is in a bad way, she turns on you and your family.

Here is the thing: if people are coming to you to tell you how wonderful she is and berate you for not being nicer (or whatever it is they do), ask yourself, "What kind of person gets involved in a family situation without knowing the whole story?" But so far you are choosing to tell them the whole story, rather than ask yourself whether you really need to be friends with people who jump to conclusions or take sides in a family situation. Sure, it's natural to want to defend yourself, but the only way to do that is to badmouth your MIL and divulge what she is like when the others aren't watching. Sadly, that's not a game you can win. Right as you may be, you can't win - because you only come off as doing what she's doing, which is criticizing someone else. All you can do - and this will take all your strength - is to summon up a backbone and say benignly, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I'd rather not discuss a complex family matter in a casual way, I'm sure you understand." If they persist, you have to be firm, "I'm sorry. You are entitled to your beliefs but I cannot go into something that is confidential and a private affair." Then ask about them or talk about the weather, or leave. If they persist, you can say, "If you believe all that to be true about me, I wonder why you would spend time talking to me." Then excuse yourself and leave.

Taking the high road will be better for you. It will leave them feeling there is more to the story, or it will help them understand that they are meddling just like your MIL. You have to try to believe that somewhere there are people who value you, who don't think ill of you, and who would question the motives of a MIL who badmouths her son and DIL. Then go find those people.

You are doing the right thing by keeping your child from visiting alone. I think you should also cut back your overall contacts so you aren't exposed to this woman's negativity all the time. Don't go to every single social event. Your husband is certainly able to attend alone if he so chooses. You don't have to make excuses - just "I'm unable to attend this time."

We have an estrangement from a few people in our family who are negative, arrogant, lying people with no moral compass. It's a shame in a way, but we accept that we cannot change them. We did write our wills so that our son would never be raised by them if something happened to us; we appointed good friends instead. Times together are so so stressful that we just don't do them. If someone gets married then we may have to be in the same location, but those situations are few and far between. The nastiness that they have does not affect me, though, if I don't let it. As TF says below, park in a location for easy escape, keep your keys, and don't be afraid to just say, "I need to go now." You don't have to say you are leaving because they are impossible, just that you are going.

When you think about it, there is no rule that you have to love everyone you are connected to by biology or by marriage or adoption. If you leave enough times or don't show up enough times, others will figure out that there is a problem. Meantime, you can protect your child from the horrible effects of this.

It's okay to have a backbone. If you don't have support, get a good counselor to help you sort this out and figure out ways to muddle through and how to get into some agreement and communication with your husband. Living with someone with chronic pain and a disability is hard enough, and a counselor can help there too.

You don't owe anyone any type of explanation if they say something to you. When you start talking about her, it reflects negatively on you because of someone else's' preconceived ideas about her. It is no ones business.

You don't engage in conversation with her or anyone when she's being this way you say she is. You never talk about her in front of others.

Example: I have some family members that we basically cut out from our life. We don't need their drama. Whenever at a function and they are around, ( you can't always avoid them), I keep my car parked so I have an easy out ( don't allow yourself to be blocked in) and keep your keys on you. When things get tense or you feel it's going in that direction, politely removed yourself and family from the situation.

You can only be used and abused if you allow it to happen.

Her true colors will come out, it may take time but it will happen. In the meantime, you be the adult and handle it with class.

I'm sorry you're going through this and it makes me ever so thankful that I never met my MIL!

Welcome to mamapedia!!

If people come up to YOU berating you and defending her? They have a lot of chutzpah. What would **I** say to them? I would say "before you judge me and my family? Walk a mile in my shoes. All that glitters is not gold."

And let it be. I might even laugh in their face and tell them to pound sand.

What can you do? Be as sweet as honey. Live your life. Stop allowing her into your life. It's not easy. But really? this is YOUR life. NOT hers. She wants pity and more? let her have it. Just keep it away from me. If people come up to you?? Tell them that. They don't know her and haven't been part of her mechanisms. You don't want to stoop to her level? Fine. Just laugh and tell them to pound sand. They don't know YOUR reality.

Don't worry about what she's been diagnosed with. You CANNOT control nor change her. You can only control how YOU react. Stop reacting. Stop allowing her any say-so in your life.

If you need to move - MOVE. I'm sorry your husband is fully disabled. However, if you can't handle this toxicity in your life? MOVE. If you can't move - don't answer the door. Don't answer the phone. If you "see" her in public? Be nice. Don't fall into her game. Change your life and your reactions.

I am sooooo sorry!!! I can relate to a toxic MIL, too (different than yours, but toxic nonetheless). Yeah, I bet they don't believe you about her, unfortunately. If she behaves like a saint to them, then they won't believe you. If I were you, the next time someone defends her, I would simply say, "You don't know her like I do. The personality she portrays for her family is much different than for her friends. She manipulates her family, not her friends, so I understand that you don't believe me." It would be nice if people believed you, but it really doesn't matter that they don't. Don't worry about what people think. Just worry about keeping your children away from her toxicity. Your kids should be your only worry. Don't ever disagree with her and state your case, or try to reason with her, because you can't reason with crazy! Save yourself the time, energy, and heartache, trust me! Try to spend as little time with her as possible, and do not enable any drama from her! Best wishes!

People "come up to you defending her"? Really?
I find that quite odd.
I suppose you could tell those people something like " I see why YOU may see it that way. We are all entitled to our own opinions, but I'd prefer not to discuss Mary with you. How have you been?"
Don't ask your husband to choose you over his mother. I've known many for whom that has backfired.
Set your boundaries, minimize contact and do NOT argue with her.
The best revenge is living well.
Don't worry about your husbands stance on it. Let that go.

Some MIL's can be so damaging, especially the ones who meddle and cause drama. If you do not wish to divorce then you will either have to simply put up with her behavior and your DH not defending you or just ignore it. If other ppl come up to you defending her to you, I would say that is your opinion and i have mine and leave it at that. Do not talk ill about your MIL to other ppl, take the high road. My MIL and I did not have a relationship at all. She is passed on now but while she was here i tried my hardest to get along with her and get closer to her but she always put up a door. She wanted to know specifics about mine and DH personal issues and financial status. I always told my DH it was none of her business and if he ever talked to her about it i would be livid. He respected me but he never got in the middle of issues between us. I just ignored her for the most part. It drove her nuts because i think some way she did want to get a reaction of out me. At the end of the day my DH said he was on my side and his loyalty was with me. I know my DH misses her terribly but i can honestly say that now that she is passed, tension is not as high. I hate saying that bc i know she was a good person deep inside, it was just very hard to see it and she was one of those ppl you had to work really hard at to "like" her. good luck!

"Oh...that's too bad, you know she's been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, right? You can't trust much of anything she says".

"Wow! She said that? About me? Wow! Thank goodness you know me well enough to know that's not true, I'm so glad to have friends like you".

"Oh my, she must be having a bad episode this time". Then when they ask "episode of what" you say "She's been diagnosed by Dr. XXX and Dr. OOO as bipolar. Sometimes it's really bad like this. Please just let what she says go in one ear and out the other. It's so hard on everyone, poor thing. My husband doesn't like anyone to know so please don't mention this to anyone. Thank you for letting me know".

Non argumentative, not "Well, I never!" or anything accusatory towards her or defensive.

I'd spill the beans to everyone she says bad things to. Maybe she'll stop saying them and maybe she'll be more selective.

You know, you could even move further away....I think I would.

ETA

I have a relative who has schizoid personality disorder. When they are having a hard time dealing with life it'shard on everyone they come in contact with.

BUT BUT BUT mental illness is a MENTAL disease. If she's been diagnosed and she's not being medicated she isn't really in control of herself to the extent you and I and most everyone else is.

It's sad but playing the "she's mentally ill" card might start getting people looking at her in a different way. Mentioning the doc's names will give you credibility. BUT if you are living your life in a good way and not doing any of the things she is fantasizing that you are doing and you can say to these people "Have you seen me do that? When is it I"m supposed to have done that?" Then you can start building your own reputation and not having to live with the one she is giving you.

Find new friends, you live somewhere else. Tell hubby if he tells her another thing that you or your kids are doing that you will leave and he might never see you or them again. Lay it out. Give him a list of things he can say you're doing. FAKE things.

Like if you're volunteering at a free meal he can say you went to the store to get groceries. If you're at a church meeting he can say you're in bed asleep.

Anything he can pick off the list and tell her. Avoid telling her anything true. Then when she tells someone something about you all you have to do is say "Weren't we at that retreat that weekend? I wonder how I'm supposed to be in two places at once".

But all in all, I'd develop relationships with everyone in Midland that don't have anything to do with her. Avoid this by not being around people she can lie to and hurt you with.

ETA after your So What Happened:

WHY ARE YOU WITH THIS MAN STILL? LEAVE HIM.

Let him see what life is like without you. He can't tell these people where you work if he doesn't know. He can't tell her anything except you left. And you never have to go back to this town again.

Your husband doesn't deserve to be married to you. Get out of this mess. And get your child out of there too.

Original:
Either start ignoring her or decide whether you want to stay in a marriage where your spouse allows this. Go talk to a counselor. Hopefully you can get him to go with you.

I have an Everybody Loves Raymond situation here. My MIL is just like Ray's mother. Overbearing and doesn't respect boundaries. Says weird stuff you're just shaking your head at ... and my husband is like Ray. Does nothing.

However. If she goes too far, my husband steps in. But mostly I just limit my contact. That's really all you can do. I let my husband deal with her entirely. Trust me, if you leave it all up to your husband he will grow tired of her and eventually will stand up to her.

As for people approaching you, don't discuss her. They will just go back to her and tell her what you've said (if they are that type).

I would just protect yourself as much as possible. I would tell your husband not to share your personal information with her (jobs, friends, etc.) and if he does, then there's something wrong with him telling his mother. That's more of a marriage/boundary issue. You could use counselling as a couple if that's the case.

I know it's trying to deal with. Just don't partake in any talk about your MIL and I guarantee, over time, people will see that it's her and not you. If they don't, well ... do you really care about their opinion anyhow?

Good luck :)

You can only control you. It's not easy, but it is the truth. You cannot control what your MIL says, you cannot control what others say or do and you absolutely will not be able to control what they think of you, no matter what you say to them.

From my experience, the only option with any hope of giving you happiness is the high road. You need to live your life in such a way that no one should ever believe the things she says. You need to be a good person, mom, wife, neighbor, employee, etc. Just keep doing the best you can to be the best person you can be. When people see that, they things she says won't make sense with the person they already know.

When anyone approaches you with something she said about you, just say, "Well, I'm sorry she feels that way. I don't happen to agree with her, but I cannot change how she feels." Then change the subject or walk away, but above all, do not engage!!! Keep being the fabulous person that you are.

You can't change her, so the best thing you can do is prove her wrong by the way you live your life. The people who pay attention to the real you (your actions and the way you live your life) are the ones you want to call friends. The people who only believe your MIL are not worthy of your time.

We went though this with my husbands family who live in another state from us. We basically got to the point that we blocked them on facebook and don't talk to them anymore. They are known trouble makers amongst the family and talk behind everyone's back. We were sick of it so we decided not to give them anything to talk about. lol

Maybe you can do the same? Just stop sharing information and talking to them unless it's necessary. I assume you get together for the kids? If so, invite them to the bday party but make it for a short time. If you go to their house for Christmas, eat, visit for a little, then leave.

DO NOT worry about what she is telling other people about you. Trust me when I say this...there will come a day that those people will see that she is a trouble maker and drama causer. Probably because it will happen to them. So don't bother fighting to say the truth so they know. Keep it simple like, my MIL doesn't always know the facts or state the truth so I'll leave it at that because I don't want to add to the drama. Simple. You need to get your husband back on board and just tell him that he needs to limit what he tells her. It sounds like he has kind of given up but he needs to still protect you and your kids. I hope you guys figure it out. Good luck.

Not any easy solutions here - except to maybe move far far - like several time zones - away.
If you have no other comforting thoughts - at least you know you will out live her - and eventually you will be free!

As for people who come up to you - just say you have no idea what they've been told (and you don't want to know) but your MIL likes to tell stories and you will not take any responsibility for what ever fairy tale they've been told.
(Have your finger make little circles around your temple while you say it (you're saying she's nuts without saying it aloud)).
You tell them you're very sorry if the story has made them upset but there's nothing you can do about your MIL - it's all very sad and you wish her well and you hope someday that there's a good medication available to help her.