Terrified About My Daughter Going to School

Your daughter is still young and has never had the experience of public school, so I am assuming that your fears are just all the what ifs. There is nothing wrong with putting your daughter in school and watching how she does. I did this when my daughter first started. Meanwhile, I researched homeschooling as much as I could in case public school wasn't in my daughter's best interest. I can tell you that she had great teachers until the 3rd grade. That year was SO bad that she was in tears the whole year and her self esteem plummeted. I am so sorry that we waited until that year was out to begin homeschooling. This was over 10 years ago. My daughter just finished her first year in college with a 3.8 GPA. She was homeschooled from 4th grade on and we never looked back.

As for the person who commented about the real world, I would like to point out that nowhere in the "real world" are people put together based on their age and geographic location and stuck with the same age group all day every day. My kids were able to socialize with and be a part of the real world (kids, adults, professionals, public school kids, private school kids, homeschool kids, etc.). They are active in sports and activities in the church and community. My 17 yod is a senior this year and is dual enrolled in college. By the time she graduates in May, she will have earned over 30 college credits. She currently has 12 credits and has a 4.0 at the college. She was a competitive gymnast and traveled as far as Cancun for competitions. She has gone to homecoming and prom (public school and homeschool). I tell you all this to demonstrate that homeschool children ARE in the REAL world. I believe that people have preconceived ideas that homeschoolers never get out. My daughters are always amazed when people find out they are homeschooled because they were expecting someone quite different based on those preconceived ideas. Of course, they immediately realize that their thoughts about homeschoolers weren't accurate)

As far as your ability to teach, you need to have a love for your child to the point that you would do what it takes to help them grow into responsible, educated citizens (most parents want this and how it is accomplished should be tailored to the child and not be according to whatever everyone else does). Second, you need to be able to read, write and learn. If you can learn, you can teach. You teach your child how to learn and not just fill their heads with facts they don't always understand. You KNOW when they understand something because you are with them. You know what areas are their weak spots and you can tailor their education to strengthen the weak areas and build on their strong points. You won't be blindsided some years down the road and find out your child never grasped basic math and is now struggling with higher math because of it (or the same holds true to reading). I know WAY to many parents who found out their child's struggles only when they were barely passing their grade. They wondered why they were just finding out about it at that point. This type of thing doesn't happen to all children, but it does happen and far too often. In the state of TX, 40% of students entering college have to take developmental math in order to be prepared for college math. We're not talking about a small percentage here.

Bottom line is public school can be great and provide an excellent education. It can also be detrimental for some as well. Each child is unique and every parent shouldn't just grab onto one approach and assume it is best for all children. You love your child and want what's best (or you wouldn't have so many worries). Those worries right now are just that. If you can, be involved in your daughter's school as much as possible so you know the atmosphere and the teachers. I volunteered regularly when my daughter was in public school and it helped me put my fears to rest (until that 3rd grade year of course). Meanwhile, learn what you can about homeschooling in your area. This way you can feel comfortable knowing you have another option should those fears turn into a reality.

M.

N.,
It is so hard to let those little birds leave the nest. 7 years old seems impossibly too young, but if you try to over protect your daughter she won't gain the coping skills she will need as an adult. So, when she encounters difficulties try to keep in mind that you are doing her a favor allowing her to experience (within reason) a little adversity. I would encourage you to explore your fears. I'm betting you were a shy child that encountered your own pain in school. That experience will be a great asset in helping your daughter cope should she encounter any similar issues, BUT keep in mind that your daughter is not you, and her experience will be her own.
My son cried for over a week every morning when I took him to his first day in public school. Like you, I was an emotional wreck. I had been a shy child and school was often difficult for me. My mother could not hide her worries and that only helped to magnify mine. And so when I stood outside the door at school with my son... In my heart I wanted to grab him and flee. Home schooling definitely lingered in the recesses of my mind. But you are doing the right thing pushing through your fears and allowing your daughter to experience life. My son settled in, by the way, and is an incredibly confident 22 year old now. My husband and I don't know how he got to be so confident since we aren't like that!
Find yourself a group of women you like that don't have kids in your school. Try to find diverse women you do not socialize with to start a monthly support group of moms. Make sure the women you choose will support you, not criticize you. If you would like to know more ideas about how to set up a group like that I will try to direct you. Good Luck, and Good Job fighting those fears!

One of the greatest responsibility a parent has is to prepare our children for leaving the nest. We have to help them become independent. Best advice: do all you can to build up her self confidence, and be sure she feels comfortable telling you anything that might happen to her. And as troubling as it seems, if she is too shy and does not make a friend then you help her to have the self-confidence to get through that. do all you can to stay involved, but from a distance. Join the PTA, get to know other parents, invite children over to your home when possible. Cultivate another set of friends such as at church so school is not the only social outlet. Take care and take deep breaths; I'm sure all will be fine....

Your fears are very normal. Trust that you have prepared her well. Don't let her pick up on your fears..... If she senses that you (her MOM) don't think she handle it, she will doubt herself and lose self confidence.

Homeschool was never an option for me. I am not specifically trained to be a teacher. I would not conduct my own surgery just because I was scared to go to the Dr. I feel that children need to be around all types of people so that when they are older they can get along with all types of people and not be shocked at reality. I'm all for protecting my child but I am also all for preparing her for the real world. I know some mamas will attack me on that but everyone has an opinion and you got mine.

I have an only child, 13 yr old daughter. I had fears and each year you have new worries but you can and will manage it. Our daughter knows that we have her back no matter what and that she is number one to us. Yes, I have had to intervene with a principal and a teacher. Stand up for your daughter if she needs the extra support. Also, allow her to make some mistakes and deal with getting along with others. I am one of the worst with that, especially if I see that she accidently left homework or something at home.

When my daughter was 5, we were one of the newest homes in my area. She wanted so badly to ride the bus on the first day. I compromised by taking her to school the first day but allowing her to ride the bus home that afternoon. My fear hit home when the driver let her off at the wrong stop and I was freaking out. I was on my way back to my house to go find her and she rounded the corner running anc calling out to me..... "Mommy, I got off the bus at the wrong place but it is ok, I just ran past all the new houses to get home, can we have ice cream?"

I knew then, she would be just fine. Since I have an only child, I found myself volunteering a great deal at the school. I made a lot of friends. I strongly suggest volunteering for the extra work teachers need to keep the classrooms going, (copying, laminating, binding, etc). You will get to know the teachers, classmates and some parents well. This is a HUGE benefit if you need to intervene at some point down the road. Get to know all the staff at the school. Some of the volunteer jobs allow you to bring your younger children, take advantage of that... At the time in 2000, PISD was short on subs and because I was at the school pretty much on a daily basis, lol, the principal asked me to go to the training to become a sub teacher. I did and it has been a very rewarding experience for me to be able to work with so many children and get to know them. I now see 5th graders preparing for 6th grade that I have taught since they were in kinder.

There are ups and downs with friends and teachers but let her work through it. It is like a bunch of rough stones rubbing together over time, everything will smooth out eventually.

Good luck and may she enjoy her school!!! It seems like yesterday mine was in kinder and now she is 8th grade and talking about her college choices.

N.,
I'd like to hear some words of wisdom as well...I have some of your same concerns....my little girl is still in a private school setting.. That will all end when kinder starts next year.. I worry about weird stuff though.
Will she get lost?
Will she walk into the wrong bathroom?
Will older kids harm her?
Will a pedophile walk into the school and hide in the girls
bathroom?
I'm already making myself sick thinking about her 1st day in a public new school, and it's still a year away.....

anyone else have any advice?

I have a great fear of this myself. My youngest is legally blind, even after fighting the school district over and over, I could not get special help for him. He is starting kindergarten in a week. Although I don't have a shy issue, I'm afraid he will be left behind. It scares me to death. To alleviate your fears, have a meeting with the school counselor and discuss anything you might have come up and how you can best handle them with your daughter. If you know the teacher's name ask the counselor if she thinks it would be a good fit or if there is any insight she can give you. Feel free to tell the teacher/principal that your daughter is very shy and keep open lines of communication available.

My best advice is to be strong, let your daughter know that if she had any problems to let you know, but at the same time, you need to let her learn to stand up for herself. Keeping her sheltered all her life won't help her either. Its such a fine line we mom's tread. Try to keep an open mind, let your teacher/counselor & principal know you are available if they feel there is anything that needs to be brought to your attention. I'm not sure which school district you are in, but most elementary schools are pretty watchful of the little ones.

I don't want my babies hurt either, but they surprise me every day with their ability to handle things I feel the need to shelter them from. Good luck and I hope your fear dissipates.

You're such a terrific, loving mama! It's great that you are remaining positive and not poisoning the school experience for your daughter. At the same time, perhaps you could re-consider homeschooling as a first choice for her? With feelings that strong about your girl being in school, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to tune into those mommy instincts and ensure you are making the right decision. You know if those feelings stem from guilt/unknowns/don't-want-my-baby-to-grow-up nerves or if they're truly based on genuine concern for her well-being; deep down you know.

N.,

My heart goes out to you! I have a 6 year old daughter who will be in 1st grade this year, too. She attended church programs until kindergarten. She was in public school for kindergarten last year and had a wonderful experience! A lot will depend on the school itself, as well as the teacher she gets, but I will say that it seems most elementary schools, and most kindergarten teachers in particular, are great at making children feel welcomed and safe. Looking at your concerns, I would say (and I'm speaking as a former teacher and school counselor, as well as a mom)it is going to be rare to have a mean teacher in kindergarten. I have found most of those teachers are "called" to that grade, almost like being called to a mission field! In fact, that's true of most teachers in every grade level. If she does have a mean teacher, I bet you'll be surprised that you will find the courage to deal with it! And there are many ways to approach that issue: obviously, first would be to talk with the teacher herself. Ask your husband or a family member/friend to go with you, if you're unsure of how to handle things. If that doesn't work, meet with the lead teacher for kindergarten or speak with the principal. If that doesn't work, talk to the PTA president (this is more for moral support and guidance than with the hope of actual help, but it can go a long way to pointing you in the right direction and giving you good information). As a last resort, schedule a meeting with the school district superintendent. Someone will listen to you, if you keep at it! You can also network with other parents in the classroom - they will be a wonderful resource for many things, but of course, you'll want to stay positive and kind of businesslike, not degenerating into spreading rumors or talking badly about the teacher.

As for the shyness or not making friends, or worse, getting picked on - I found that my very shy daughter adapted very well to this new experience and made friends quickly. The kinder kids just never got into any mean behavior. One thing our school focused on is "The 55 Essentials" by Ron Clarke, and if your school doesn't know about it, it could be a great thing to introduce to your daughter's teacher! You can buy the book at most bookstores, or Google 55 Essentials to find Clarke's website (I may not be spelling his name correctly). It teaches 55 essential behaviors/manners that kids need to succeed in life, such as learning how to be a good sport, learning how to receive a compliment, etc. I've digressed, but the point is, for whatever reason, the kids at our school, at least the younger ones, did not seem to get in to being mean to each other. However, there are obviously some life lessons to be learned in those situations, and it will eventually come up for all of our kids to have to deal with bullies or meanies or frenemies...not that we want our kids to have to deal with that at the age of 7.

Anyway, I hope some of this alleviates your worries. I will say that I was a mess before my daughter went to full day kindergarten! And then I was a little sad to see how quickly and well she adjusted to that format. :) On the other hand, there is plenty of time in the future to attend public school and adapt to their programs and problems, and if you did want to homeschool, this is a great age and time to do it. There are lots of wonderful resources out there, and I think there are plenty of sound reasons to homeschool. We are moving our daughter to a small, private Christian school this year, just because that is what we prefer (as much as we loved our public school, we missed the faith based focus). I personally think the feelings you are having are from the instinctive heart of a mother who knows it is too soon to go into the boundaries of public school...but I also know that she will most likely be fine if you do choose that route. The most important thing is that you and your husband agree on what is best, and that neither of you get too dogmatic about thinking only one route is the best. They all have their pros and cons, and I think we all find ways to make our particular situations work our for our families. Best of luck to you as you ponder these things and make this big decision! Gina G, if you're reading this, I hope this helped you, too. :) God bless you both.

When you go to "Meet the Teacher" day, try to hook up with other parents. Talk to them, I bet you're not the only one with this concern. Have your daughter meet the other kids. Even when I'm super nervous, I try to act cool because I know that my attitude has a big influence on my daughters character. I try to be excited about the whole situation and I notice them more confident about everything. Keep cool! You're daughter will be so excited when she comes home the first day, you'll get an ear load.

N., first honey calm down. I'm going to go through your post point by point. Maybe because my parents were school teachers I did not have the kind of anxiety that you do but I do remember how hard it was to leave my daughter the second day of kindergarten, it seemed like such a long walk from the curb to the school door by the end of the week I no longer felt the need to chase after her.

Your post was long so mine will be too and also let me offer my ear if you want to run anything by me privately, please send me a note. My mother taught kindergarten for 30 years, my father middle school English. My first thing to share is that I thought my mother was mean when I was probably around middle school because she was strict with the students but you know what? They absolutely adored her, and when her children started having children, they requested that their kids have her for kindergarten. She has many families that still, more than 20 years after she retired keep in touch with her because they knew that she cared. Kids need limits and they also need to stretch their wings.

The vast majority of teachers are there because they honestly love kids and with three children who are now 9, 13 and 16, I have really not encountered a single teacher that was mean. A couple I would rather have done without, because they weren't the best teachers on the planet, but not one that was out right mean. Now, if your daughter should come home and tell you the teacher is mean, you need to remember that kids will say this when they don't like what is going on and you need to figure out if your daughter is trying to avoid dealing with a situation or has a real problem.

Schools will let you visit the classroom. Now, I do not recommend this the first week of school, the best thing you can do for your daughter is give her a hug and get out of the classroom as quickly as possible. Here's why. My daughter, after having been in a regular daycare from one year until she was 3 and at a pre-school after that actually cried the first day of kindergarten. At which time my mother (who flew down from Chicago for the event) immediately left the room and the building. She was fine minutes after we left and the problems my mother always had were with the parents that kept coming every day and making a big production about leaving. It will feel mean to you but you have to do it for them. The teacher will get them interested in something in the room and before you know it, the water works are gone and by the end of the first week they usually love school.

Parenting is not for the feignt-hearted, it takes a lot of courage and often doing things that seems more like sticking a knife into your heart than anything else but you need to do what you need to for your daughter not you. Now, say three weeks down the road your daughter tells you the teacher is mean. You ask why, if she seems to have valid concerns you ask to visit the classroom but you prepare your daughter before hand and tell her that you want to go watch her class but she has to pretend you are not there, that you cannot be a distraction to the students learning. So you see for yourself what is going on.

My kids know two things about me with school. They had better be telling the truth if something is going on and if there is a problem they get my full backing. Kids do need to know this but they also have to learn to solve their own problems, it is a fine line from sticking up on their behalf to teaching them you are always going to bail them out of things. Remember, be respectful in your dealings and be sure of what you are saying, they want to work with you to educate your child, and they do really care so don't be scared of them. They are just people, in my world growing up, they were the folks my parents played bridge with so good or bad, schools and teachers have never intimidated me.

Something positive you can also do is let the teacher know that you are available for any help you can give. I see from your profile that you are a SAHM, that is perfect, let her know you are available if she needs help in the classroom, needs papers run off, needs chaperones for field trips. And outside that, get involved with the PTA. One of my little secrets, both of my sons were in school with me in the strollers so by the time they hit school, not only did every single teacher in that building know me and my daughter, they knew my sons, including the security guard and those folks look out for your kids. Give them a word if they are going to get into trouble and just in general they just notice more if your kid is having a problem or something.

Also too, I saw a comment about getting to know the other parents. That is a godsend as well because if yours is having a problem, you call Sue and ask what is going on with Billy, gives you a better idea of whether the problem is real or just something your little one is having a hard time dealing with.

Now the shy thing. That one you just have to suck up. If she doesn't seem to be making friends, you encourage her to play with the other children, make a play date with one of her classmates so they can get to know each other outside of school. If you home school her, how is she ever going to make friends or get over the shyness?

Same things go with getting picked on. That is going to happen period but you can tell her that not all people are nice. With my daughter she had a couple of problems when she was around that age. I was honest with her and told her to avoid the particular girl and when she had to be in contact with her to be nice even if the girl was mean. I told her that sometimes there are things going on at home and then the kid takes it out on others. In one of these instances we later found out that the child was totally miserable with her home situation and a few years later she was one of my daughter's best friends. I just mentioned this thread to my daughter and she said that children need to develop a thick skin but keep a soft heart and they are better off learning this early.

She was also made fun of because she is half Hispanic and doesn't look it, so some of those problems were about that and she survived it and I think is more compassionate to other people for having gone through it, so even though it hurts to see your kids in pain, they grow from it and become better people if you give them the proper guidance. Now if your daughter is actually being bullied or a kid just won't stop with the picking, you talk to the teacher. If the teacher does not seem to be listening to your concerns you talk to the principal. If the principal is not listening you keep going up until you get the superintendent involved, period. Schools are legally obligated to take bullying seriously but you also need to make sure that they are.

On the hating school, your daughter has to sense your anxiety over this and if you don't start seeing it as a positive wonderful thing, she won't. So you need to be cheery and talk about how cool school is going to be, etc. so that she is in the right frame of mind when she gets there. Your daughter is going to see through it if you don't believe it, children are smart so one of the first things you do is realize that it IS a good thing and go from there. You know that you can always pull her out of school but if it is for this type of reason, it is a poor choice. And my daughter's additional contribution is that private school kids are as mean or meaner, so you are not sending her off to the wolves.

The bottom line, everything IS going to be okay. Children are resilient. You have given her a wonderful foundation and she will take that with her everywhere she goes. Most parents worry about their teenagers, I don't because even when they act like they are not listening they are, and while they have made a couple of bonehead choices, they have not been big ones, I think they are just too smart to make bad decisions that could really, really affect them badly.

And to me, this is perhaps the most important thing I have to say. I have always taught my kids that if they look at a situation, like going to a special class where they know no one, or camp or something, and they are scared because they don't want to look foolish or something, they can allow that fear to guide them and not do things, but they will miss out on a lot of things in their lives. So, you should suck it up, close your eyes and jump. Now, I wouldn't be much of a parent if I didn't practice what I preached. If you try to shelter your daughter from all pain in life, how will she ever grow up to live in a world where there is pain? What you are doing now is starting to give her the skills to deal with adversity that she will surely face in a safe and happy environment where she knows you are still there for her. As they get older, you do the same thing just let them take a little more on as they continue to mature and soon they will only turn to you when they really need you. And believe me, there are days when I wish my counseling office was closed, lol. You are a resource for your child, you cannot and should not live her life for her.