Terrible Twos Don't Begin to explain...feel like I'm Losing It!!

Thanks for sharing this! Did me good just to read that someone else is in the same boat as me! I'm pregnant, and way more short-tempered than I'm used to, and my 2.5 year-old and I butt heads all day long! No good advice for you, but know you're not alone!

Sorry to say but it gets worse before it gets better. Our oldest is almost 5(in jan). I thought it was bad when he was 2.....I say terrible 2s, horrible 3s and horrendous 4s......Our youngest is almost 3 as well. I know what it's like. It's a stage... it will pass.... when they are teenagers we will wish they'd be 3 again. Hang in there. I am sure it's hard being preg while dealing with this behavior.Timer might be a great idea. Our youngest does the same thing before bed.... that's why he is still in a crib with a tent:)

Dear Leah,

Congrats on your pregnancy!! I am a mother of four and can tell you that all mother's have been where you are!!! You are smart to get some of your routines fine tuned before the baby is born who will only add to your tiredness(and frusrtation..as well as your joy!!)
I move things along with my kids by making statements instead of asking....I'll say "It's 8:00-time to brush your teeth" "It's 8:15 time for your book" If I say the clock says it's time to do something I seem to avoid power struggles. Never end a staement with "Okay?" or ask questions like "Are you ready for bed?" Also, I do NOT allow my kids to get up once they are in bed. Be firm! Believe me, after you are up with a newborn at night the LAST THING you need is you almost three year old up!!!

Finally, don't be so hard on yourself...no mother is perfect and we all lose are cool. If she truly is not behaving then I think it's actually a good thing to know your unhappy with her.....how else will she learn?

Good luck!!

N.

Wow, this sounds like me! Only, I'm not pregnant anymore.
I spent a ton of time cleaning and organizing. Being pregnant, of course, made me want to do that even more, and that "nesting instinct" never went away.

Preschool was a lifesaver. My kids are 3, 2 and a newborn. My oldest goes 3 days a week. He gets a fun, educational time away from home, and I get a little break with just two babies. :) Depending where you live, there are preschools for two-year-olds, too. I plan to put my daughter in early 3's a soon as I can.

Next, we go out of the house a lot. You won't lose your cool in public, for the most part. Join park district classes, etc. Then you won't feel you have to clean the house all the time anyway, since you're not in it all day.

My son stalls at bedtime. 6 bathrooms trips within a half hour, and then snacks, etc. I finally told him if he wants to use the bathroom, go ahead, but he can't bother us. That way he doesn't use it as an excuse for more attention. He is perfectly capable of using the potty alone. Create a very specific routine. PJ's, story, teeth brushed, then bed. NO PLAY. We found that play never worked b/c the child always wanted more, and then you lose your cool. So, once the routine starts, no play, just lots of cuddles and books.
Good luck!

It sounds to me like she's wanting and needing some more structure in her life. She's testing her boundaries to see what you will and won't allow. You're the mommy; you're the authority; it's time to step up and be that for her. It's okay to let her choose some things, but you don't want it to get out of hand. And it's looking like that's happening.

You have to decide what you want her to do, and what is best for her. Then stick with it. It is *not* best for her to be allowed to ignore that it is bedtime. If she's taught and allowed to ignore you now, you're setting yourself up for major battles in the near future as well as when she's a teenager. I'm not saying you have to come down with an iron fist and be a totalitarian dictator! But she needs structure and needs to be told what to do. For her own good.

Whatever you choose to do, you've got to be consistent in your efforts. Otherwise you'll just confuse her worse.

In this particular instance, I'd suggest saying at the first opportunity, "I've been letting you get away with too much at naptime and bedtime, not enforcing the rules, and that was wrong of Mommy. You need to do what Mommy says, because it is right and best for you. So, from now on, we're going to..." set a timer, and when it goes off, it's bedtime; sing a song while we brush teeth and when the song is over, it's time for nap, etc. She may rebel -- especially at first -- but she will feel comfort in knowing where the boundaries are, and that she's safe within them.

The best I can recommend is to read Making the Terrible Twos Terrific by John Rosemond. He explains why they act that way, and how to get them (and yourself) under control. I totally understand - I have a four-year-old wild child, and when I do as J.R. recommends, it is much calmer around here. You can find the book cheap on amazon (used), or on his website at www.rosemond.com (maybe at the library?). Good luck - and read it before you go crazy.

Consider changing your routine a bit. 10 minutes is not much time to wind down and switch gears, depending on what was happening immediately prior. TV or computer activities, for example, seem to really make kids wound up.

If it ends up being 45 minutes for the bed time routine, so be it, just start it earlier, your kid may just want some attention and one-on-one time with you, and there's nothing wrong with that, especially if most of the day you are busy with cleaning, housework and organizing etc. Your attention is probably not much on your child during those activities.

So you're already spending close to an hour getting her to bed. Adjust your starting time so that you start with the bed time routine an hour before you want her in bed. Spend some time, play with her, get her cleaned and into the PJs, teeth brushed and then cuddle up with her for some story time. That will give her the closeness with you she is looking for, you'll probably enjoy it, too ;-) and it will calm her down and help her with the transition to bed and then to sleep.

Allow a little time to get adjusted to the new routine, but I bet she will love story time. Let her help find picture books at the library to read together, in addition to the books you have at home. be prepared for her to have favorites that you will end up reading again and again. It might also help to even have one short bedtime story that always concludes the story time, after which it is time for lights out, something like Good Night Moon, for example.

I have two boys and they even rough housed with dad during the playtime. Even though that was extremely stimulating for them it also helped spend some of that extra energy they may still have had. So for us it was playtime for them with Dad with 'wrestling' on the floor, then showers and brushing teeth, then story time (and for a while I would read a story or book or two, and then Dad, or the other way around; later Dad claimed story time whenever he was at home, as that was his time with the kids, I spent all day with them as a SAHM anyway, and we would sometimes read books during the day together), then lights out.

We actually did a lot of what this books suggests, even though we did not come across it until our boys were teens... I recommend this book and the approach they suggest for raising kids and discipline: Connection Parenting - Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, Through Love instead of Fear by Pam Leo.
I would have loved to have seen this book earlier, as it contains tips we had not considered and that would likely have proven helpful.
Maybe it will be helpful to you.

Best wishes, and also for your upcoming birth!

First of all, you are TOTALLY NOT ALONE! I just would like to echo what some of the other ladies have said. You have to tell her that things are going to change. You'll still get resistance, but admitting you haven't been perfect teaches her that everyone messes up sometimes. You need to be consistent in disciplining her...it will help! It's definitely hard the first few times, but after a while, she'll know what to expect. I, too, recommend the Rosemond and McCloud books...they're lifesavers. I know it's tempting to keep things neat and tidy all day, but she needs to know that you treasure her. Do a couple cleaning tasks and then spend time with her...even if it's just sitting on the floor playing. Read a book, take a walk, go to the park/playgym, take her for ice cream just because, color a picture together. She'll feel more secure and you'll lose the guilt. I know pregnancy is tough with a little one. When you get tired, explain that mommy needs quiet time and set a timer for 15 minutes and have her play in her room. When the timer goes off, she can come get you.

Please know that I offer this as one who has walked through this, and I know in hindsight that I did the best I could. Now, I know better, so I do better. I pray things will get better.

-J.

Leah,

My daughter is 10 years old. she is very smart & emotional. It has never been easy in our house, just sometimes it has been less difficult. Always let your daughter know you are the boss, & dont feel guilty. If you have a stong willed child, you cant let her have a lot of "free" moments like other children. she would probably enjoy a mother day out program & that would give you some free time. Write down a nap/bedtime routine & go over it with her. It will take some time but stick to it, & know that eventually she will get it. Not every child is the same. You may just have a stong dramatic leader, that beats her own drum.

I still have difficult days with my daughter, that none of my friends have with their children. I just know with my daughter, to never give her an inch, because everytime she will take that mile(& then some) My daughter & I have a lot of fun together, but I have to be very strict. Good luck, take a deep breath, & let me know how it works out.

My suggestion would be to begin a bedtime routine that includes calm "play things" followed by reading,etc. She should outgrow it. What makes the three's bad is they are big enough to understand but still can't help it to some extent. Talk to her about the expectations and then follow through. She also knows that you are pregnant (whether you've said it or not) and picks up on when you feel bad, etc. As far as the stress...You need to go to the library and pick up a pregnant yoga video (with your doc's permission of course) and explain that you picked up this great video to help "us" with ways to stay calm when we get upset. Tell her you are working on it as well. It makes it something that she can relate to you with and feel ok when she goes crazy and doesn't know what to do. This should help you both stay calm...And, ask for help from others!!!!

Have you tried setting a timer so that she only has X amount of play time & then once it rings---bed time?

Best of luck to you. They can be very frustrating but if you can find the Stephen Curtis Chapman song Cinderella, it holds true that time will be gone before you know it.

I used to lose it a lot myself so don't feel bad. I am glad I am not the only imperfect mother in the world. My daughter is the same way. I think I was letting her run all over me but I didn't know any better and the guilt. I tried everything. I finally just got a flat wooden spoon and put it on the table and told my daughter if she did not mind me I was going to paddle her. And I did. And guess what. She stopped. I have only had to use it twice in three months but it is the best thing that has happened in our relationship. The yelling stopped, the power struggle stopped and I am respected. I am not advocating violence but that is what my mom did and her mom did and it never took me 45 mins to get ready. It works.

To make bed and nap time easier, give her a set about of time to play before lying down. Use a timer that she can see. Tell her she has 15 minutes to play and then set the timer. Explain to her that when the timer buzzes that she is to get ready for bed or the next time she will not get time to play. It may take her a few times to get use to it but it works. Let her help you pick out the timer so she thinks it is important. Also use the timer to get dressed and any other task that is becoming difficult. Also you can try reading a story before bed time or nap time if she takes to long to get ready for bed then she uses her story time. Keep your cool as much as possible but let her know that their are consequences for her actions. A great book to help you out some is Boundaries for Kids by Dr. McCloud. He explains how important boundaries are for children no matter the age. I had to learn this the hard way with a child that has anger anxiety as well as ADHD. I am also a teacher for special needs children so boundaries are very important to me. Let me know how this works but give it at least a month. It will take that long for the boundaries to sink in with her. Consistency is the key.

good morning, if it can take 45 min, to get ready for bed and you want her to feel free and relaxed , have her start getting ready 45 min. earlier. then she will be ready in time for bed. good luck.

Sounds like a typical 2 yr old to a very stressed mom. You are obviously a driven woman, so try to relax a little and begin to enjoy the children. This will only be for a little while, and then, this time will be gone. The more aggravated you are, the more she reacts. The pg and sickness isn't helping. If you can, get her outside 2 or 3 times a day. Park, or play, or a walk, that is what little kids need. When it is bedtime, it is bedtime! However, prepare. Dinner, bath, let her play for 15 to 30 min, this is relaxing. Now it's time for pg's and a story, and to bed. If you have her outside before dinner, she will be ready to eat, and then settle down. Try it for a week. I had a 6 yr old and a 21/2 yr old and was pg with my 3rd, I had terrible round ligament pain most of the 3rd trimester.
So, get yourself a routine and wear that girl out so you can both nap, and relax more and enjoy.

Hi Leah,
It sounds like your daughter is 'playing you' before her sleeping times. She is smart. I know that as a mom, I get most frustrated when I parent 'reactively' instead of 'proactively'. Reactive parenting is when you parent by responding to circumstances and needs for the most part. This puts you at a disadvantage, because you know that needs and circumstances are anything but organized or merciful. Add to that weariness from pregnancy or illness, and the challenges of toddlerhood, and you can easily find yourself being frustrated, short-tempered, and then feeling defeated and guilty. On the other hand, Proactive Parenting is when you, for the most part, plan ahead, thinking through how you're going to handle certain inevitable situations and 'training opportunities', probable needs, routines, etc. You say you're an organizer. Doesn't that make life easier? When you use the same technique for parenting, you end up far more rested and peaceful, and in control of the situation. You'll feel less stress, less manipulated, more in control, and more confident and satisfied with yourself. For example, proactive parenting would have you telling your daughter what you're both going to do before her nap and bedtimes, and in what order. Personalize it, but don't deviate from it. You'll need to be firm until she figures out you really mean it, but she will feel more peaceful with a sure routine and you in control. By planning it, you won't feel guilty or unsure of decisions you make while being worn down by a toddler. If you think she uses that time for playtime because it's the only playtime you have with her (or something like that), maybe you can devote a half hour *before her bedtime routine* for quiet playtime with her. Make sure she knows you planned it, that she's not playing you, and separate it from that bedtime routine, which should always be the same. She's just coming out of her 'terrible twos' which typically go from 18-30 months, so things should settle in the next couple of months. Other ideas are to help her learn how to help you! Part of proactive parenting is training your kids to happily do their part around your household. You can model that attitude, patiently show her how to help in really simple ways at first, and praise her for both a good attitude and progress. This is also a good way to bond with her. It may take longer now to do this, but it will really ease your burden in years to come, besides helping her learn along the way. And whenever you can, take a nap or at least rest with your feet up when she's taking her nap. Fatigue can feed so many evils! You need your rest, too.