Terrible Twos - Atkinson,NH

I would try flower essences. They are very safe and a subtle kind of therapy that shifts the bodies vibration away from a certain tendency, bringing it back in balance....Holly is the essence to take for resolving sibling rivalry/jealousy. There are others for nightmares and others (chicory is a good one) for tantrums and possessiveness. I am not a certified practitioner.

http://www.flowersociety.org/kinder-garden.htm

Under the "Articles and Interviews" tab, they have links to Flower Essences and Children.

You could also probably benefit by taking 5-flower formula or a Cherry Plum Blossom when you "can't take it anymore!"

I have used essences for many years with outstanding results.

Hi R. - This was almost exactly like a post I put up last year at this time!! When my youngest was born last June (she's now 14 months), my oldest was only 22 months. She did NOT take well to the baby being in the house and getting attention, crying, nursing, etc., so she escalated her terrible two's a little and basically was insane for the whole summer! It was awful, I remember like it was yesterday. Some of it is your son's age - the terrible two's are a very real thing. He'd likely be doing all of that anyway, but with the new baby, there is an added dimension. There is definitely jealousy, and kids want your attention above all else, even behaving well. I think, based on my experience, that you are doing everything right! One thing I'd do differently is spend more one-on-one time with my oldest if I could have that time back, but the demands of a newborn don't always allow that, unfortunately. Maybe when the baby is sleeping, you can use that time for your middle son and just do an activity he likes and make him feel special. Also, I found that lots of praise went a long way - when your son helps with baby care or is gentle with the baby, praise the heck out of him until you can't stand it anymore! It may not work immediately but he is storing it all up, believe me.

When he screams a ton after you tell him no, you might need to urge him to take a time out or quiet time until he's calm, then explain why you said no to whatever it was. He's just at an age, unfortunately, where he doesn't quite understand why you say no to some things that may be dangerous or unacceptable, but keep communicating and he will get it in time. I agree with another post who said maybe your husband could go to him in the middle of the night when he's screaming and just calm him down, talk to him, and get him back to sleep, so he doesn't think he can do that and immediately get your attention. Especially overnight!! I know it's all so tough with a new baby, but give it a few months and everyone will be adjusted that much more. And now that my oldest is 3, she is much more reasonable and I fell like I can actually get through to her rather than just be a discipline freak all the time. Hang in there! And have fun with your three boys!

All I have to say is...Welcome to my world!! You just described my 19 month old to a T! Believe it or not, it really IS the age. I have two older boys and my 19 month old son is doing the same thing they both did. They do grow out of it. It is hard going through it...my son got mad at me yesterday while I was in the bathroom so he walked over to the door and slammed it shut..haha. He got mad at his dad and when his dad opened up his play car door my son walked over and slammed it back shut...I guess the most important thing to do is have a sense of humor...oh and my son has also been waking at night the past week. Just take heart and know that he will outgrow it, they are just learning their independence. Just remember it's hard for them too...most toddlers have a hard time expressing themselves because they don't have a huge vocabulary yet, they know what they want but most of the time we have to figure it out. My son has gotten this new cry that sounds like he is choking but he isn't to get our attention when he doesn't get his way...so needless to say, it's not you or anything you have done, it's just something he's going through. I don't know how to advise you to handle it, specially with a new baby but I just wanted you to know it's normal and not because of the baby!

R.,

You are doing everything right, just continue to be consistent and include him with the new baby. Make him feel very important and have the help of your husband to give him that extra attention he so desperately needs. He would be doing this regardless of your new child, but it's double trouble now with someone biding for your attention. If positive attention is not helping, then you can certainly consequence him (time outs) for the safety issues like hitting, biting etc. Enlist the help of family members to help him go special places right now. I know it's difficult but he'll get through this time. Hang in there!
A.

R.-I'm not the expert in this area as I am in the same situation (have a 26 month old and new baby of 2 wks). I have been doing what you have as well. I can offer my empathy and a website that I found helpful to cope with this period of childhood development: http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/1_4/tod_dev10.asp

Congrats and best wishes.

Pay your 8 year old a quarter every time he distracts your 20 year old when he starts to have a tantrum, or starts to whine, etc. Sounds simple, but it just might work. You are paying your older kid to be an immediate babysitter, plus that kid is making money, learning to help you, learning to deal with little kids. You would pay a regular babysitter, so why not pay your oldest child to help out? Might save you a lot of heartache, plus it will give your 20 month old some attention, which is what I think is the cause of all this, the new baby, as you say yourself. He's not getting the attention he used to get, PLUS is coming into the terrible two's. Well, good luck!

I also highly recommend the happiest toddler on the block book/dvd.

Here are the very basics -- When a toddler/2yo is having a tantrum, one of the things they're trying to communicate is the intensity of their feelings. If you try to respond with calming them down, they don't really know that you understand what they're trying to show you. You need to get down on their level, literally down on your knees so you can look them in they eye, and say, in a loud intense voice "Wow! You're really MAD (or frustrated, or sad, or whatever your best guess is)aren't you? MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD!!!!" maybe even adding a stomp of your own or something to emphasize it. The key is to try to match their intensity -- it won't work if you do it quietly. The toddler almost always stops their tantrum, astonished, and looks at you astonished, and says "Yes!" and can then try to talk about why, and why you said no, he can't have chocolate at 6:30 am, or whatever, or even just go on with their day, knowing that you really understand them. It's amazing how well and quickly it works.

Hi R.,

Basically, ditto Ann L. At night, can you have your husband go in at all--if nothing else but to give you a break, since you are also nursing the infant? SInce it is summer, can you have your 8 year old play with him at times? Certainly not all the time, but try to come up with some type of schedule for him each day. If he knows what to expect, maybe he'll start to act up less. (I know that is easier said than done with a newborn!) Good luck!

There's a DVD called "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" that really helped me with this - I think there's a book by the same name but the DVD is faster than reading a book. I checked it out of our local library.

Good luck!