Terrible Twos? - Olean, NY

My (two year old) daugher takes her time outs in her room. If the time out is simply for yelling or crying, I put her in her room, with the door ajar, and explain that she can come out as soon as she's done crying or ready to ask nicely for whatever she wants. (I'm not PUNISHING her for crying...she can just come back when she's done!)

If it's for something worse, like hitting, pinching, etc., she goes into her room, with the door closed...and a baby-proof door knob. She can cry and scream all she wants, but she has to stay there for the allotted amount of time (usually the time it takes me to walk back out to the kitchen, calm myself down, and go back down the hall and get her.)

I hope that helps. The other thing that works for me (and it may just be because it happens to work...) is that, when she's naughty, I get right down in her face and ask her to look at me. If I really just need her to calm down, I put my face next to her ear, hold her head to my head, and talk very quietly. She'll usually stop yelling long enough to see what it is that I'm saying. She's a very PROUD child and can't stop screaming JUST because I tell her to. She needs a time out, or a snuggle, or SOMETHING to just reset!

With my nephew we started him early with the time outs. Yes you NEED to stick to it. He at first would get up 1. because he was still in his mood, and 2. because he thought it was funny. But eventually he would sit there for the 2 minutes (minute according to age) we would go over and tell him why he was in time out and he would always look up and say I sawry (so damn cute). The one thing I have learned is DON'T GIVE IN!!! and do not laugh. he would do some of the funniest things when he was doing time out and you couldn't help but chuckle and we all know that leads to him thinking it's a game. Good luck to you.

it may be terrible 2's, it may be something else, talk to your pediatrician.My son went through the same thing and still goes through it on a daily basis hes 3.Hard time listening,tantrums to the point of parental fustration,biting,kicking,hitting,will not listen,wont sit in time out nothing.Ilove him to death but it is fusterating.He was diagnosed with ADD / ODD( oppositinal defiant disorder).Type in ODD and its symptoms on your computor,see if any symptoms match woth you daughter, as well as Add they are diffrent alot of people get them confused. It may be deeper than just her not wanting to listen or the terrrible twos.You are right with consistancy though.What may work with her is getting down to her level taking her hands in your,say look at my eyes and tell me why you are mad,she may she may not, then inform her that you are not going to yell so she needs to be like mommy and talk like you. This will take a few times for her to get used to maybe even two weeks , but it will help alot trust me, I have 4 kids and out of the 4 kids three of them have disabilities.if you need to talk my e mail is ____@____.com

Hi J., My son is about 23 months and also has a hard time listening. We've been using time outs since about 18 months - sometimes we do an actual time out, where we put him in a pack n play (he does not use this for anything else) in his bedroom where there are no toys or anything fun, and he stays in there for a minute. Afterward, we briefly remind him why he's there, give hugs and kisses (he initiates this now), and then we tell him we love him and get on with the day. Some days there are more time outs than others, and this usually is a signal that he needs some time out of the house or with just one parent - we also have a 9 month old!! So, when we think time out is useless, we do a "reset" where we go into his or our bedroom with some books, and just take a few minutes to calm down. I have found resets to be useful when there's not a specific behavior to address, just general frustration or repeat offenses.

It's very hard to listen, especially once they're upset or frustrated. During that time, it's better to work out the frustration than to try to reason. My son is very even tempered in general, but when he gets into a mood, look out! Tantrums include all the things you say - biting, hitting, kicking, lots of drama. I have learned a lot from nanny shows and the techniques really work, but I think the time out thing, trying to get them to settle down and sit somewhere uncontained, is meant for children who can be reasoned with, closer to 3 years old. For us, the pack n play is working very well and our son understands what time out it, and why he is there. Good luck - challenging times but they are learning so much!!

yes!! my daughter is like this. She is a wonderfully smart and sweet girl, right up until she isn't. When she gets upset, she wont listen and letting her go ahead and trantrum can mean a good 30 minutes or longer of screaming. First, what has helped is accepting and understanding her tempermant and letting go of blaming myself, or her. She is who she is. She's a spirited girl. I bought a book called "Raising your spirited child." It has really helped me! I'm still reading it now. Second, I validate her feelings. When she gets all worked up, I put words to the feelings. "You seem very mad and frustrated. I'd be mad and frustrated too if I wanted to put on my bathing suit and my mom wouldn't let me." Third, I tell her how is good to express those feelings, especially if she's being aggressive. "When we are mad, we use our words to talk about it. We do not hit. Hands are for helping, not hurting. We can tell each other that we are mad." Lastly, depending on how it is going so far one of 3 things happen 1) I ask if she feels any better and wants cuddles, 2) I suggest she might need some time alone to calm down (this is NOT punishment, this is just time alone like anyone might take to calm down, 3) she gets a time out if she's gone too far. No matter what she's doing, or upset about, if she steps beyond the boundaries of acceptable behavior, she gets a time out. I think kids like this are testing boundaries much more regularly, and you have to let them know you have them. You cannot fear the meltdown. You send the message that YOU are the parent, and you mean business. In other ways, she always gets a choice. In this way, I try to give her a sense of control over her life. She is very independent and thrives doing it on her own. I also do ignore some of the nonsense behavior. I do not pay attention to the harmless "bad" behavior. I will not give her attention for it. I say in a very monotone voice "that wasn't nice" and look away. I pick my battles, I guess. Anyhow, remember your child is a good child. Remove yourself from the conflict. You are the parent. You're not a 2 year old fighting too. Hang in there, I know it's hard!!!

Hi J.!
You know, it's funny, reading your story it was like the story of my life! Except my daughter is now 3 years old. But she is soo stubborn and willful. Such a little attitude. When she is good, she is SO good and helpful. But when she is bad she is so so bad and doesnt listen to anything! And my mom says the same thing, payback! I don't know if I can say much to help seeing as how every child is different, but I do a couple different things with my daughter. She is 3, so that makes a difference, but when she was 2 and wouldnt sit in time out, than time out became her crib. (unless of course your daughter climbs out, which mine didnt) I would take all of her blankets, animals, pillows, out of her crib and put her in time out and shut her bedroom door. The thing that did it for her was me shutting the door. She did NOT like that! She now does have a time out rug that she sits on, but that took awhile and still sometimes doesnt work. Now that she is in a big girl bed sometimes I just send her to her room and shut the door. But I think the most important thing no matter what you do is just be consistent. If you are going to put her in time out, than do it everytime for the same things. Dont let one thing go one day, and than yell at her the next. Sometimes that is so hard but kids need to know whether they are doing something wrong or not, without getting mixed signals. I dont know if I was any help, but I just wanted to connect with you at least and let you know that my daughter is the same way! It's so frustrating. We have also started taking some things away too. She is a great healthy eater so after dinner she gets little desserts. If she isnt good before dinner or listening well at dinner she loses dessert, that definitely has an affect on her too! Good luck, I hope I helped a little!

E. V.

Actually you are kind of being unreasonable to expect her to be able to listen and reason. At this age they just don't have the mental capacity for it. Time outs work at this age. When she starts to through a tantrum walk away from her and tell her that until she can talk to you like a big girl you won't talk to her, and leave the room. For the time outs, keep putting her back until she stays where you put her. I once had to put my son back for 45 mins before he stayed, but it was only once.

Hi J.,
Many 2 year olds have tantrums - often it is due to frustration. Expecting your daughter to understand if you are giving an explanation is too much to expect from a 2 year old. Kids can't really reason til 4 or 5. She can understand "no." If she isn't listening, it's because she hasnt' been taught to or made to. Remember that discipline is not just another word for punishment, it is about teaching. Teach her what is acceptable, and if she is not listening, a quiet time such as a time out step or chair is fine. She may test and try to get up, put her back. Let her know that you decide when she can get up. Gating her in a small area with nothing to play with, or strapping her into a booster seat away from the table can work, if you are willing to do that. It is up to you to let her know that while you will acknowledge how she feels about something, you as the parent make the decisions and it's her job to do as you say, even if she does not want to.
With a toddler who is prone to tantrums, I'd try to be sure to give her some notice about things that you think she won't be happy about, and to try to make sure those things that provoke tantrums don't happen around times when she is hungry, tired, etc.
Good luck

J.,
I have two girls. One 3 and one 10mths. My 3 year old still does the tantrums. I just use consequences and take things away. My time outs have not been great maybe as she gets older. Recently I have been telling her that if she wants to cry or throw a fit she can do it in her room and stay there and believe me she says "NO" and goes about her business w/o the tantrum. You are prob saying that is too easy but it has been working. In the beginning I found myself getting frustrated and yelling. NOW I ignore her and I tell her that I will talk to her when she calms down....If she starts hitting or trying to hurt herself then I step in and hold her down but other than that I just ignore it and go into another room. Boy my consequences are cruel...I either take what she loves away for awhile.....(to her that means days w/o not seeing it) or if I have the heart that will go right into the garbage with no thought. (laughing) I don't even get a chance to get there sometimes she screams no and stops crying...Good luck I am still going through it.

I too am in the terrible twos with my daughter. She is sooo strong willed!!!! I do use time out and a very unpopular "tap'. She gets a tap right near the edge of her diaper and then change the direction of her. It is not hard enough to even leave a little red mark but just enough to get her attention. It works. When doable I do time out and yes sometimes a two minute time out turns into a half hour or more of retreaving and replacing her on time out. I use to put her in her crib but now she clibs out and that is dangerous. (She likes to jump from the dresser to her sisters bed) Any wau consistency is hard but a must with my daughter. Good luck and at its worse I always TRY to remember that she will only be 2 for a short time!!! A.

They aren't called the terrible twos for nothing :) Her willfulness is to be expected she is testing her new verbal skills and her new found sense of self.

check out this site -- it's dr. sears' site: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

also I would suggest you go to the supernanny website -- she often has good tips for disciplining. one things about discipline -- you have to make its age-appropriate.

one thing i often did with my guy who is now 35mos. i often distracted him from the behavior i didn't want him to do -- we'd sing, do something else, go to a different room, and then i'd remove the thing he wanted (if possible).

good luck

I do not have any experience with this situation but i was watching nanny 911 a few weeks ago and there was a young boy that was doing the same thing and she suggested that they give him consequences. For example if you yell at mommy this will be taken away or you will not be able to do this. I am not sure if this will work for your 2 year old but it worked for that particular child.

She definitely should be able to listen, but when she is very bad, she is probably very frustrated. Some kids are easy going and if they dont get what they want they adjust, but others are more stubborn. When she is really bad try to figure out why before you react. Of course if she is doing something dangerous you have to restrain her right away. And she should have an immediate consequence. If you figure out why she is being bad and cant help her, (such as give her a different choice of drink than you first offered,etc), you explain why she cant have what she wants. When she has a tantrum what does she do? What do you do? As long as she isnt hurting herself, then let her vent. And ignore her. Or you can do what I did for my youngest, When he was 3 I got tired of his tantrums and one day I told him he was doing it all wrong. He should yell louder and stomp harder. I showed him how. Then when he was yelling really good I called his brothers in to watch. We all clapped. He soon stopped, but he is now 16 and still has trouble controlling his anger. Its just the way he is. I think its called type A. lol

I chuckled when I read your post, your girls sound just like mine! The second one was a terror with a capital T!! Yes, the supernanny stuff works. When you DO NOT give in she gets the picture quickly. When my daughter threw a tantrum in the supermark I parked my cart, took her out to the car for a time out - strapped her into the carseat and let her scream while I read a magazine. It took about 15 minutes but she calmed herself down and anytime since then that she acted up in the store I would only have to ask if she needed a time out in the car. It really works. Also, the tantrums, they have no power if they are ignored. I used to drag her kicking screaming little body to a safe spot on the floor where her flailing couldn't hurt her or anything else and make a point to tell her to let me know when she was done. I would then do something else - read, cook, whatever. Just let her yell. The good news is she is in high school now and a great kid, nice person, honor roll, friendly and hard working. The one who started out easy going was a ROTTEN teenager!! So I gues you get it coming or going!! Good luck, be firm, you'll ALL be fine.

Yes J. I would do what Supernanny does. She has some great parenting strategies. Consistency and consequences are the key to a well behaved child. If you do not get a handle on her now I would hate to see what her teenage years are going to be like. Having a defiant two year old comes with the territory, its how we handle them that matters. I was in the same boat both of my kids had two different personalities. My son now 24 gave me every gray hair I have, and my daughter was so easy going. What worked for one did not work for the other. Its all trial and error, however I do enjoy Supernanny I think she has some great solutions to parenting problems. Good luck!!

Hi J., Yes, terrible two's. Not all children go through them. Your first did not have a sibling to act out about and it is also a personality thing. What to do? Always remain consistant. You are the parent. Do not feed into a tantrum. I would sometimes bring in a mirror when one of mine was having a tantrum. "Look at your self" I would say. Many times we would end up laughing. I have raised mine by a) treating them like people, with respect whenever possible and 2) having a sense of humor. Life is too short. Grandma Mary (mom of 5)