Terrible Twos!

Updated on May 24, 2010
A.K. asks from Chimayo, NM
13 answers

My daughter is about to turn two in September and is already going through her "terrible twos" any suggestion on how to keep sane? She doesnt listen, and is starting to pick on her baby brother, those are the main two issues Im having trouble with! Does this mean that the terribles are going to last longer since she started before two?

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J.G.

answers from Phoenix on

My son is going through the same stage right now. He'll be two in july. We do sign language with him to help him to communicate. We have movies called Baby signing times. My parents are deaf that's why we wanted him to learn, but they say it makes the twos easier for kids. He does talk a lot too.

He still has his moments though. We just try not to react too much when he throws a tantrum. I learned sometimes if you learn to ignore some things they'll stop doing it because they get no reaction from it.

It makes me glad to know I'm not the only one going through this. Sometimes I'm yelling at him to stop what he is doing and he just completely ignores me.

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J.L.

answers from Austin on

Hello,
My kids didn't start the terrible twos until they were three. I had a great time when they were two. But, since you got started early, get used to it. It doesn't seem to stop in the foreseable future. My two kids are now 10 and 7 and they are still fighting with each other and not listening. Good luck. Set your limits and boundaries now with them because it will make it much easier later. Even though mine fight, we still gain something from the experience and learn from it and things are improving. They are definitely learning how to get along with each other which will help them later in life with people they meet and have to work with. You've got to make the rules very clear with definite consequences that are age-appropriate. Enjoy them too, because they will only be little a short while.

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G.M.

answers from Phoenix on

Hi A.,
My son is two and a half and he's going thru that stage as well. Boy is it challenging. He goes into fits almost every single day and will not stop. Sometimes if we've tried everything to please him, as in trying to get to know what exactly he needs from us, or wants (because he doesn't talk much yet), then we just let him cry it out. Sometimes they have to do that. And because he doesn't communicate with us verbally very well, that leaves him frustrated and irritable. The terrible twos don't just last for a couple of years. Children go thru stages as they grow up. It's our chance to help them deal with issues that arise that they cannot solve, in a more constructive way. As to when they throw fits, we try to be patient with him and let him know that it's ok to be upset, but we need to figure out what is wrong and if we can fix it we will. If we can't then we'll try and encourage him to let it go and move on. This part is really tough because they don't understand the concept. But it's a start, and while we're in the beginning stages of these tantrums/fits/fussiness...etc...it's a battle every time. Patients don't always seem to come across easily, and we get frustrated as well. It's a learning process for both the parents and the child. To keep sane, try to take breaks and take a deep breath and go into the other room where he's not. Or try and get a babysitter, friend or a family member to come and watch him while you have a girls day/night out. Let me tell you, keeping sane is easier said than done. LOL My son is very testy now a days and doesn't listen half the time, and not knowing exactly what he needs or wants sometimes, or he doesn't know what he wants; gets to be very exhausting. Once children learn how to communicate well verbally, makes it a little easier for them as well as us. Plus, with your daughter not listening, she's testing your limits. Just be consistant/and loving with your punishments. Time out has done wonders for my son. Sometimes. Ha. Best wishes, G.

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C.J.

answers from Phoenix on

Hey A.,
Well this is what I did, I talked to my doctor when I took her for her two year check up and what he said to do was when she starts to get unruly, or not listen and whatnot just put her in the bed, not an official time out or anything but just to change the scenery, so I would put her in her bed (she was already in a toddler bed) and when she was done crying or even if she didn't cry by the time she got up she would forget about what she was doing and find something else to do. Ofcourse sometimes she would find something else that she wasn't suppose to do, but we got through it. She is five now and is a pretty good girl. Oh and as far as longer terrible two's no hers only lasted till about two and a half.

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L.C.

answers from Phoenix on

A.,

Terrible two's can start anywhere from 18 months to 26 months. They can also go to 3 or 4. I just thought I would also mention, if you are a stay at home mom and want to do something on the side to make a few dollars, let me know and we can talk.

L.

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B.

answers from Phoenix on

The term "terrible twos" is used to describe the rough time period when this sort of behaviour goes on (and believe me, you are just getting started). It really is a span of time that can be from 18 months to 3 years old. My son started long before he was two and now (he'll be 3 in September) he's pretty much out of it. If you want some really good advice for how to get through this period, I would recommend reading "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific" by John Rosemond. It really helped me to understand why my son was doing what he was doing and how I needed to respond in order to deal with it. It worked for my son, that's for sure.

Good luck!
B.

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M.M.

answers from Albuquerque on

This a repost of my response of somebody else's request of terrible 2's.

It is important to remember that between the ages of 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 children go through the first adolesence--not the terrible twos. Your child is trying to assert his independance for the first time. He is not trying to be "terrible" or "bad" or disobedient. In many situations it helps to give your child choices so he can make a decision rather than being told what to do. It also helps to tell your child what he MAY do rather than what he may not do. There is nothing you can do about the first adolesence. All you can do is help your son transition through it with love and understanding.

This is what I was hoping to say earlier. I am excited I finally found the article. Sorry it is so long, but this excerpt is beautiful.

...Gradually, though, sometime after he had mastered walking, an irresistible urge to make his own choices began to well up inside him. This is an exciting development, but the difficulty with his making an independent choice is that he must disagree with you in order for the choice to be his own. Now, when you ask him to do something, he refuses.

It is unpleasant to have anyone passionately disagree with you. When this opposition comes from your own little delight, the situation is decidedly disagreeable. Many people call this important phase of development the "Terrible Twos." I prefer to call it "The First Adolescence." This period begins long before age two and actually continues long afterwards, but in the majority of children, it is most intensely focused around the period from one-and-a-half to three years of age.

The hallmark of this stage is oppositional behavior. Our wonderful children instinctively want to do exactly the opposite of what we want. We have nice, reasonable expectations and they say, "NO!" or they simply dissolve into tears. Suppose you have some place to get to in a hurry. Your son has been in a great mood all day. . . until you say, "I need you to get into the car right now." He will, of course, want to do anything except get into the car.

As if this weren't enough, children in this phase of development have a great deal of difficulty making the choices they so desperately want to make. You ask your child what he would like for dinner, and he says macaroni. You lovingly prepare it for him, and then as soon as it's made he says, "I don't want that!" It is perfectly normal for him to reverse a decision as soon as he has made it, because at this stage, he even disagrees with himself.

His task is to gain skill at making appropriate choices. To help him accomplish this, offer your son limited choices at every opportunity. He will be demonstratively frustrated when he is given direct commands with no options. He will decompensate if he has too many alternatives. Two or three options generally works best.

Make sure the choices you offer fall within an appropriate agenda. Your son still needs the security of knowing that he's not calling all the shots. When it's time to eat, say something like, "Would you rather have a slice of apple or a banana?" He feels both the reassuring limits that you set and the freedom to exercise his power within those limits. If there are two things he needs to do, let him decide which to do first, when appropriate.

This phase is difficult for parents; it is also hard for children. When children take a stand that opposes their parents, they experience intense emotions. Although they are driven to become their own unique persons, they also long to please their parents. Even now, when I do something that my parents disagree with, I feel very conflicted. I am an adult, living in a different city, with well-thought-out choices -- and it is still quite difficult. For a child who is tentatively learning to make choices, who is dependent on his parents for food, shelter, and emotional support, it's even more intense. Dissolving into tears is an appropriate expression of the inner turmoil that is so real for children who are in the midst of this process.

I like to think of the process as similar to childbirth. Labor is a very intense experience. Pain, after pain, after pain eventually produces something beautiful-- a child is born. The episodes of oppositional behavior in "First Adolescence" are psychological labor pains -- one difficult situation, then another, and another, and as a result your son's own persona is being born psychologically. This is a beautiful (but difficult) time with a truly worthwhile result.

As an oak tree is already present in an acorn, this aspect of your son's unfolding development was already present when he was conceived. Although you will have a large impact on its course, it's not caused by something you are doing wrong, and it won't last forever.

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B.E.

answers from Dallas on

I am having the same problem with you. My daughter will be 3 and my son is going to be 1. My daughter is maximizing her terrible 2's now. She throws things if she is angry and she is also very insistent on what she wants. Well, I read on this stage, it seems that we will have a ways to go - some say it will end by 3 some say by 5. We are not the only ones going through it, that's the assuring part. We just have to keep praying for patience, wisdom and strength everyday. Don't give up!

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Z.B.

answers from Tucson on

They just call it terrible two's but they can last their whole life. My daughter is going through the terrible twos also and she just turned 5! Maybe time-outs work and positive reinforcement.

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J.R.

answers from Tucson on

My daughter is two- but her terrible two's started at 18 months. What helped us was that we set up a board that has the four rules of the house written out and they have pictures to describe what they are (share with others, no hitting friends and family give hugs and kisses instead, putting things away when done with them, say please and thank you)- whenever she does these things she gets a star, when she breaks one of the rules we take one away, but if she hits someone she gets a time out and a star taken away.. when she gets five stars- she gets a prize, like a sticker or a piece of candy.. she loves it.. she loves to get stars and hates to lose them-- it also helps her dad and I stay consistent in how we discipline her- we have a plan of how to respond to her and it also helps us focus on the good things she does and not the bad, in the beginning we had to look really hard for the good-- but it has greatly improved her behavior. Hope this helps!

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J.R.

answers from Phoenix on

It is perfectly normal for the terrible twos to start when a child is only a little over one. The best advice I can give you is this: When you set a rule or take action to discipline. . . STICK TO IT! It's tough and you'll feel like a big meany, but you'll be glad you did later.

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A.P.

answers from Phoenix on

hello, I am no expert as I am really in the same boat as you but the one thing that has helped us with our little 2 yr old monster is Love & Logic http://www.loveandlogic.com/ It is a way to parent with out getting angry and way less stressful on you!! Now me, being a mom of only one I don't have time to read their books, so you probably don't get much free time either, what I have been doing is buying the audio tapes and listening to headphones while I go on a walk at night. Hope this helps, check out the site!! Good Luck!!

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C.K.

answers from Tucson on

LOL! My youngest daughter started her terrible two stage at about 15 months! I suggest the book/DVD called the Happiest Toddler on the Block. Also, try googling "difficult toddler behavior" and a lot of info will come up.

Just remember - This too shall pass......in the meantime, try to laugh - visit www.mommasaid.net which has lots of great stories from other mom's in the trenches with you :)

Best of luck!!

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