Terrible Two's - Jackson,NJ

Dont let it get to a point where you have to hit him and yell. COUNT!!!! Tell him what you want.1...what you want..2.. what you want and a consequence if he makes you say 3..wait a second..say 3 real stern and put him in time out immediately. DO NOT give in if he jumps to do it on 3. By then its too late. As soon as you say 3 put him in time out. He has to learn that he has 2 chances to listen and then BOOM!!! And you will be saying no all the time for a couple of years, but its worth it when you have an 8 y/o that listens and is a joy to be around.

The first thing to remember about two year olds is that there is A LOT going on in their minds and not nearly enough ways for them to express it all verbally. You do not understand what they are so clearly (so they think) expressing, and this is often the catalyst for your child's anger at you. Like when they shove that kid who will not get away from them at the park. The other piece of the puzzle is that they have not yet learned how to act and react in social situations. We are not born knowing how to wait a turn or not to shove someone when they have something that we want. Quite the opposite. Do not forget that at the core of it all, we are animals and animals use force to get what they want or when they are mad. Your child is going to have to learn how to behave in this society of ours and the education starts with you.
*Repeat, repeat, repeat the rules. If you are going to the playground, repeat the rules. If you go to dinner, repeat the rules. If you go to grandmas, repeat the rules. Whatever your rules are, repeat them; Loads and loads of times. Do not assume your child remembers them even if you just said them yesterday.
*When your child hits or kicks, give words to use instead of their body. “Say back up please”, or “Say excuse me please”, or “using that”...then tell her that if she hurts another person she will have to sit down and not play. I am not a fan of the use of the words “Time Out”. They have just been turned into another way to say you are bad and you are in trouble. Adults tend to just tell children that they are in “Time Out” but fail to actually discuss the offense at hand or why a time out is the best course of action.
*If he does it a second time lead him (or take him) to a quiet place to sit. Again telling him “you chose to hit, kick, push... someone and that is not safe. You need to take a break from playing until you can be safe. The playground, home, restaurant... is for all of us and until you can use your words (little that they may be) you will not be able to.....”( insert what they were doing at that moment. Play, sit at the table, watch a movie.) No, your child will not get all of the words but over time they will understand. By the way, use big words with your child and they will learn big words. Only use small words with your child and they will only learn small words. If they still won’t sit or they throw a big freak, out then it is time to go home. (Sit and wait out a mini-mad fit. Most parents have been there and who cares if they look?)
*When it is time for your child to reenter the activity (have them only sit like a min or two.), let your child know that if they hurt someone again that you are going to take them home (or leave an area or they loose the activity that is causing the aggression.)
*As for sharing, remember this; When someone shares one person is gaining something, while the other is loosing something. This idea is all too clear to a young child. They do not like loosing things that they are playing with. What are you trying to make him share? Is he using those things. Can another child play with something else in the room?

Hope this helps,
B.

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Time outs have worked best with my daughter (now 3). I give her a clear warning (if you do that again/don't stop, you will get a time out). That is the only chance she gets, then I calmly take her to time out (1 min for each year) and leave her (or turn my back). The only exception was throwing objects in anger - that was an automatic time out. Some days I felt like she spent half the day in time out, but each time it was her decision since I gave her a fair warning. It did help stop some of the behaviors. With my daughter, she was testing her limits to see what we would do. Consistency helps.

Sorry I don't have an alternative to time-outs, but they do work. Good luck!

-M.

Don't yell at him just remove him. He knows he can't hit, so when he does, just remove him. Tell him there will be no warnings to hitting. You will go into a timeout. This is typical two to three year old behavior. They are constantly testing you and testing their limits and their bounderies. Just be consistent. One more time and your done... and when he doe it again, be done, no more chances. My son was a perfect angel until 22 months and then poof he was a little spitfire it was no to everything. But I was letting him get away with too much, I was pregnant and too tired to put him in time out. But once I was consistent again things got better. When he isn't listening, yelling doesn't help. Removing him from the situation until he calms down will help. And then you can talk to him. They get so angry but just pick him up and put him in time out. Sometimes time outs have to be in my son's bed and then he usually just falls asleep. At this age, he may need a nap or more snacks as well. They get hungry and don't even know it and they get moody or they need a nap. My son is three and is back to taking naps, although all last summer he didn't nap at all.

I am sure you are going to get a lot of tips. Here is just one. Try giving him choices. Not demands that can end with "NO." For example: "Can you pick up your trucks?" "NO" try "Would you like to put your trucks away by yourself or with mommies help?" or how about "Can your trucks fly to the toybox or can we have a race?" Pose things with a choice where the end result is the same and let him choose how he wants to do it. Don't ask questions that can end in a "yes" or "no" answer. Also try to make things fun or not seem like a demand from you. Trickery in a way. "It's time to take a bath (assuming they don't want to)?" "NO." Being a boy this could be fun... "Lets fly like buzz lightyear to planet X where everyone gets a bath...." Make it a game and use your imagination. As parents we tend to tell and demand and direct. Use a different tone, a fun relaxed, this is going to be great tone. Until, of course, bodily harm or danger is involved then use that parent (scary mommy) tone. If you save that voice/tone for when it is absolutely necessary, in those situations you will be taken seriously... not when they won't eat peas. If it's not a dyer situation don't treat it as one, take a deap breath and think of an alternative way of putting things/posing questions. There is more than one way to get the results you want. Children at this age just want to feel like they have a choice and are testing their independence... make then feel like they have a choice even when they don't (really). Oh, and don't forget to praise praise praise when they do do something good. This will make them feel so good and have so much self confidence that they don't want to act up because they want that good feeling again and again. They want you to be proud of them, they want to hear mommies praises.
Get the book Love and Anger by Nancy Samalin

You probably can't expect him to share for a while, but he can "trade". So if my son (who is now 3) doesn't want to share (and you can't always expect them to be giving with their own toys because they don't understand that they will get them back), you can say, "if you have that toy, you need to find another one to give to your friend." I have found that timeouts don't work for my son, but threatening (and then following through) to take away toys works more than half the time. As for hitting, you have to remove him right away. You say he knows better, but really, deep down they don't really know, they are very impetuous and won't know right/wrong for a while yet. So you have to be there to "teach" him every single time!

Good luck!
B.

I just posted this same question the other day. I am reposting one of the great answers that I got from Rebecca M. Hope this helps you.
Alot of the other moms also told me that I shouldn't hit cause this will cause your child to hit also. Also do not yell. Try to be calm and to also ignore them when they do these things. They are just trying to get a reaction from you. If you ignore them then they will stop. Just go about your business and don't talk or react to them. If you would like check out my post and see the answers that I received. My post is trouble with 2.5 year old. Good Luck!

Here is Rebecca M's response to me:
In my 16 years working with kids I've never found time outs to help. They just cause more fights. Here is what I've done in the past & it WORKS! on all the kids I've worked with over the years.

1) Never go to the store before a nap or meal, that sets children up for failure.
2) Tell your child what you're doing before entering the store, it helps them anticipate the trip.
3) Tell your child how you want them to behave, it sounds simple but often kids honestly don't know.
4) Give choices, toddlers need to feel in control. When they do not feel in control, they act out.
5) Be consistent with consequences. The kids in my care knew if they did not obey there would be consequences EVERY time, do they ALWAY obeyed.
6) Praise for good behavior. Toddlers what to please more than anything, so the more praise you give the more you'll see that behavior.

If you do this everytime, you will see a change. I keep stickers in my purse to give out when I say good behavior, you could play a game, if she gets 5 stickers, she can ___________. Go to the park, choose a toy or snack what ever.

Good Luck,

Hi M.,
I am a preschool teacher and have taken many child development classes. Your child's behavior is not unusual for his age, you might want to ck out a library book on child development and parenting toddlers. THere are lots of good ones out there. I suggest you use a time out as the earlier M. suggested.You need to be firm with your son, I would not yell at or hit him; your hitting him, even his hands will reinforce his hitting. Mine and no, are favorite phrases at this age and hitting and or biting often start now. Don't expect regular sharing either, is quite a hard concept for 2-3 yr old to understand when they are 1st starting to assert some independence and can be possessive at this age. When your son hits take both of his hand in yours firmly and say, "we dont hit, use nice hands". Give this 1 warning and at the 2nd incident if he continues place him in a chair, or seated on the floor in the same place each time and make him sit for 2-3 minutes. Another tool when he misbehave is use redirecting, THis is done by moving him to another area of the home or doing something else immediately like ask him to get a book for you to read to him, ask him to go and get a particular toy he likes then encourage he play with it while under your supervision. The distraction often causes the negative behavior to stop since they now have their mind on something else. As for the mean face, just ignore it completely and walk away. This is attention seeking and if you walk away he will see that he can not get a rise out of you and will soon stop. You mentioned too that he often doesnt listen to you, this is also very typical of 2-3 yr olds, If he ignores you just walk over get down at his eye level, gently turn and hold his chin or face towards yours . Then take both of his hands in yours gently, look him in the eye and speak to him again in a calm and nice way. Say you need to listen to mommy and pick up your toys or whatevver you ask him to do within reason.Again, you may need to do the time out here too if he ignores your 1st request, In addition, encourage to talk to you rather than act out by telling him to, "use your words" especially if you can see he is getting angry or frustrated over something. When a young child is frustrated or upset they often hit or lash out since they can not fully verbally express their anger or what they want. THis is a great phrase to use for all 2 and 3 yr olds until they can communicate better. Be sure you and your husband are on the same page with these methods and both use them on a daily basis. You will soon see improvement. You sound like a good M. and can get through this. PS -be sure you are giving plenty of hugs often too.

First, stop thinking of him as being out of control and thinking that he "knows" better b/c he doesn't. This is part of his development and how you react is going to in turn show him how to react. You have to be positive, patient, understanding and the more you fight with him, the more he's going to fight with you. Others have good responses...

I had to comment on this post because I'm going through the exact same thing with my daughter. She'll be 3 in August, and up until about 3 weeks ago was such a good kid! I, like you, thought I was lucky and the extent of her "terrible two's" was just the occasional outburst of frustration and a few bouts of not listening... nope! Last week she had several timeouts at daycare (very uncharacteristic of our little darling) and one was for pulling another friend's hair and pushing another smaller child out of a toy car. I don't even picture her doing this, but given her unwillingness to listen these days, I don't put it past her. It's so frustrating for me, and again, like you, I feel like all I do is yell at her and then get to a point where she winds up with a slapped hand or a minor swat on the tush. I recently spoke with another M. of a son exactly my daughter's age and she feels the same way. I have a feeling this is true of many moms of 2-year olds. What I tried today before taking her to daycare was telling her that if she was a good girl this week and got no timeouts all week, she could have a special treat (toy) at the end of the week. Nothing huge or over the top, but something to reward good behavior without necessarily bribing her right on the spot. It gives her the time to be good on her own and to learn patience, positive reinforcement and positive consequence. If she's naughty and has several timeouts again, we're starting a basket where she will have to give up one toy each day she's bad at school (or at home) and she can have them back when she can prove she's a good girl and wants to listen (I must give credit to the other M. I spoke with about our kids - kudos to you!) Also as this M. said, and I have also thought this for a while, it's all about finding the thing that most relates to your child to get them to listen. Spankings are sometimes, but not always (in your case considering the hitting issue), the answer, . For my daughter, she gets the consequence-type of discipline, but it may be different for other children. By the way, she was a good kid today and no timeouts! So far so good - but we'll wait to see how tomorrow is! Anyway, I hope this helps, if not the ideas, just knowing that you are most definitely not the only M. out there who's at her wits end... these days go fast - it's bittersweet, but enjoy all you can and know that your consistent discipline will help you raise a wonderful child with manners and moral!

Hi Erin
I could give you lots of advice but the best advice is that it is a phase and you will get through it. I have found in my 40+ years of dealing with my children and others is that when kids are the worst is when they need the most love. Right now at those Terrible 2's is when they are learning to be independent. Do you want him independent? Yes! Is it easy now? No! But if you don't let him have some independence, you will have him tied to your apron strings when you want him to be independent. I suggest you talk to him about some of the choices you are willing to give him. What he is going to wear that day, for instance. It is then one thing he doesn't have to say no to. Get the idea
God bless you with His wisdom