Terrible 3 1/2'S?

I too have an easy, smart little girl, but she too has been through these phases. They do pass, but you can make it easier. It's hard to know what to advise without more details about other ways she drives you crazy, but here are some general ones:

--Have there been any changes recently that could have her wanting attention or acting out? Even negative attention(like discipline, scolding, etc.) is still attention. Is her younger brother in a demanding phase and getting a lot of your time, maybe more than you realize? Is she being expected to be a "big girl" more than she's really capable of? Or is she starting preschool or does she have a new teacher at preschool or a new sitter or anything else that may make her feel she's not in control? Kids will try to control what they can, even if it means making a mess just because they can.If there's been change recently look at how to mitigate that for her and reassure her. (If she's in preschool, talk to the teachers there about whether they're seeing these behaviors there, and if so, how they handle them and what they advise.)

--Or maybe there's no change and it's just...being three and a half and asserting herself. The chart is a great idea at this age, but be sure that the rewards are ones she really, really desires and the disciplines are ones that really, really mean something to her -- find her "currency" that matters, the thing that it really gets to her for you to take away. When you discipline by taking away a thing (toy, game) or privilege (play date, TV time, etc.), or by doing a time out, be sure you take the item away, or start the time out, immediately upon discovering the problem. Waiting doesn't work and doesn't let her connect what she just did to the consequence. She's still too young for any rewards or consequences to be deferred--she needs immediate results from you, good or bad.

--Also, be sure the chart isn't too detailed or too lengthy and doesn't expect behavior of which she's not really fully capable. If one thing on the chart is for instance "Keep your room clean," that means little to a small kid. Instead try "After dinner, pick up your stuffed toys and put them in the white basket." They need a few concrete specifics rather than a longer list of general directions. "Don't play with or do anything in the kitchen until Mommy or Daddy is up" seems specific but she could easily figure, hey, they didn't say anything about the dining room...the living room.... Maybe try "Do not leave your bedroom in the morning until Mommy or Daddy comes in and gets you." Then put a gate on her room if you must! She might climb over it, I guess...

--Catch her being good and praise, praise, praise her when she is good, even in small ways. She needs to understand that this behavior gets a lot more pleasant attention than do the things that drive you crazy and get your negative attention. It may seem odd sometimes to praise a kid for something as basic as picking up a few toys and tossing them in their box, but at this age it can help as much as it did when she was 18 months old and you probably did it a lot.

--Does she have enough outlets for her energies, physical and mental and creative? Is she doing stuff because she's bored? Reassess your house's toys, books, craft materials to see if she has outgrown them! Channel that desire to cut up paper into cutting out construction-paper animals....Channel her behavior into a distracting craft or new book before she gets restless and starts doing whatever it is she does that drives you crazy. Does she get enough exercise and running-around time or is that curtailed maybe because of her brother's naps or her own preschool schedules etc.? Be sure she can blow off steam physically every day somehow.

I hope this helps -- like I said, not sure what the behaviors are other than the one incident you described. But we've all been there. I feel for you! Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Terrible twos carries on till they are in adulthood (in some cases) Maybe she's just crying out for your husband and your attention. So she's doing stuff that she's not suppose to do to express her feelings.

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Hey K., my concern is that your daughter is up "roaming" the house before anyone else is awake in the morning. Just curious, does she climb a safety gate? I am a daycare provider and I have safety gates everywhere that I do not want my children (and my daycare children) to go. I even have an 8 foot gate between my living room and the kitchen so that the children cannot enter the kitchen unless I want them to. If she doesn't climb them, I would suggest a safety gate to the entrance of her room. If she does, then you need to come up with another idea (I do not know how your house is set up), to keep her contained until an adult is awake. Even if that means keeping her in your room for a while until she is over this "phase". My first concern would be her getting into something that is going to hurt her (which I am sure is a concern for you, and scary). This time it was sugar, water, and paper....but next time, who knows. In the end, it may be a huge sacrifice you have to make right now, but eventually she will stop with the stuff she is doing to drive you crazy. Then she will become a teen and figure out new ways to drive you crazy!! LOL. I'm not trying to "down play" things at all, but believe it or not, someday you will look back at this and laugh and have a funny story to tell your daughter about when she was little. I know it's frustrating, but just try to find the humor. She's only going to be little for so long (which right now may be words of comfort), but someday, I promise, you will look back and wish you had a little sugar and water on your kitchen floor.

Could she be going for shock value? I think that is the age when they notice they can cause and effect. Reactions and emotions just prove their in controll. I think also giving her a clock and marking the time when she can leave the room might help. Make a special box of toys that are only available in the wee hours. I too roamed the night as a child and was often found downstairs playing or watching tv. My parents put hook & eyes on the doors only to have me at 2 get a broom to knock them out. They resorted to bells on on doors and shoes. They could at least hear me moving around and get up.
Hope this helps.
L.

She sounds like a bright little girl. You spelled out the rules; she understood them; and then the first thing on her "to do" list for the next day was to find out if you meant them. That's all it is. Standard kid operating procedure. You may have to go a round or two with her on this issue, and it'll come up again on other things too, rest assured. Welcome to the next 20 years!

p.s. I second the motion on letting her roam around--at this age, a REALLY bad idea. When my youngest was that age, she could get into more trouble in less time than any human being who ever walked...or toddled.

Sorry, but I had to ....HAD TO laugh when I read this! My mom said she also found the threes more terrible than the twos! Now that I have a toddler for my own, and life is getting more challenging by the day....I am bracing myself for what's in store. But just reading this made me almost catch a glimpse of my disappearing sanity......so thanks for that....I am not alone, there are other mothers out there who find themselves in the famous toddler/parent predicament where we as parents have both question marks and exclamation marks over our heads. I am sending you encouraging thoughts and warm wishes!

I have a 3 1/2 year old son and a 2 year old daughter. It seems as though my son does things to make me go mad. He has covered my kitchen in cornstarch and flooded my bathroom. We try to give him a little bit of freedom like he can go upstairs and use the potty himself (that's when he flooded the bathroom). We have tried using a baby gate like another mother suggested but he is tall and determined and climbs right over them. Luckily he comes and wakes me up if I am not already awake before he goes downstairs. Maybe you can have your daughter come wake you up when she gets up. There are lots of other behavior issues that have come up. I am always telling my mother how naughty he is and she tells me once they hit 4 they usually get better. Here's to hoping.

Why are you allowing a 3 1/2 year old run of the house while you two are still in bed? Purchase a baby gate if you don't already have one...keep her upstairs, or not past the hall, or even up in her doorway to keep her in her bedroom until you or Daddy is up to watch over her.
K.

Three is a very trying age! This is when they are not quite big enough to do all the things they want but want to be independent. Try telling her the things she CAN do in the morning. If she like to color or do play dough leave some on the table for her if she gets up before you. Even better tell her she is to come wake you up whenshe gets up. The behavior charts can be great (I still use them in conjunction with chore charts for my 7 & 4 year olds) if they are not overwhelming for your child. At three they want to hear what a big kid they are and all the great things they can do. They are also extremely curious and do not get into things to drive us crazy (even though it seems like it at the time)it is a natural developmental stage. So more distanced supervision is required (you are watching her but she doesn't know you're watching her)to keep her safe. You may even try to give her a "chore" like wiping the table or dusting end tables, things that only "big girls" are allowed to do.

Just remember the mother's mantra "This too shall pass!" Good luck.

I just think that she wanted to "surprise" you and your husband with breakfast. She may not have viewed this as breaking a rule, but giving you a gift.

Re-emphasize your rules with love and appreciation, and make sure that your kitchen knives are out of reach:-)

I agree, she is limit testing with her curiosity at maximum level. Just set whatever rules you want to enforce, then don't give an inch. Settle on appropriate discipline for a given rule-breaking episode, and respond the same way every time. Regarding the wandering around, I put the slide bolt locks high up on every door I didn't want my son in by himself, including the bathroom, food pantry, front door, etc. The slide kind can flip the slide lever up or down so the little ones who are truly inventive can't simply get at the lock with a broom or other tool. As a last resort, if her room is near yours, lock her in her room at night. When she wakes up, you are sure to hear the ruckus of her trying to get out! Good luck.

that sounds like really intentional behavior.

Hey K....
I don't really have advice as much as I have empathy. My daughter (who just turned 4) went from being any parent's dream to a total button pusher. When I told her to stop doing something the other day, she looked me right in the eye and said "I'll do what I want to do, and you do what you want to do!" No anger, no snottiness... just all business as if that's the way the house was going to be from now on! One little thought is to put a cup of milk in the fridge, and a bowl of dry cereal on the counter where she can reach it. My daughter loves that she has something she can do all by herself in the morning and she's pretty much stayed out of trouble there.

All my sympathies!!

Hi K.,
WOW! I didn't realize you could stay in bed after the kiddo gets up. For some reason I never thought that was an option. (maybe I'm just a light sleeper)

We have a 3 and 1/2 year old little girl too and she's been putting us through some limit testing as well. She had been such a compliant and sweet little one up to now, but I hear you -- it's getting harder and harder.

I'm sure my little girl would have a ball on her own roaming around without me. If you do manage to get yours to behave in the house on her own while you snooze a little longer, please let me know how to do it! ;)

(The feedback you've gotten already is really impressive! I love this site!)