Terrible 12'S

Have you tried getting her into therapy? Seriously. While lots of her behavior is normal with the hormonal changes beginning to take place in her body, the independence of being in middle school, peer pressure to act a certain way, the family changes from being with dad to your boyfriend, (how is her relationship with him?) the new baby coming (congrats)...she has a lot going on in her life. Talking to a therapist may help her see that what she's facing is all in a 12 year old's life and normal, and help her to zero in on the areas that need changing on her part.

Put the responsibility of doing well at school on her, not the school. Yes, you want to hear from them if something is amiss, but it is ultimately HER responsibility to get things done. Get her a notebook to write down each homework assignment by class/subject, and that she has teachers initial when she turns it in, that way she's accountable on a daily basis. Make homework a priority (for all your children who have it) when she gets home, before anything else, in a common area so you can see them doing it, not hidden in their rooms. If she doesn't comply and turn it in take all electronics out of her room and cell phone away from her (let her dad buy her a new one for when she's with him if he wants her to have one) and keep them until there are major changes in her attitude and school performance. If you know she is capable of doing the work there's no reason for her not to. She's getting to the point where in a few years as she applies to colleges depending on the ones they are they WILL look at 7th grade and up performance (they have to as there are so many qualified students for each opening. My friend who is on the board at Stanford says it breaks her heart to not allow all the applicants in, but that's impossible, and the grades back as far as 7th grade are considered.)

Why is she tardy? Does she walk or is she taken to school? If she is walking there she needs to leave earlier. As far as disciplining her for being disrespectful, pick your discipline and stick to it. Have her earn her belongings back with respectful behavior. Also talk to her dad and let him know exactly what is going on, tell him that as long as you both aren't on the same page she is going to pull the "live with dad" card, and if that isn't an option she needs to know it. He may think he's cool to be the way he is, but in the long run he's hurting her and not doing her any good.

And explain to her that while she gets her way at his house she doesn't at yours, your home, your rules. How you deal with her now is setting the tone for your other children who see what is happening and will remember. Better to get her compliant now than to try in a few years when there are boys in the picture.

And don't let it break your heart when she says she wants to live with her dad or that she hates you. Tell her that's OK, you still love her. It's a common ploy and she knows it hurts you. If it's not an option for her to live with him be content with that, and if it is consider calling her bluff. She may find that dad isn't as fun as she thought. At 12 they are beginning to think they can do what they want as they realize they are more independent than they were even last year, but they have to learn that with independence comes responsibility and increased attitude of respect.

I know it's rough but hang in there! {{HUGS}}

Hugs going out to you Shorty! It's hard being a mom and harder when we know what's best of our children and they refuse to listen. I have 3 kids, my oldest is my only girl and around that age I had major problems with her until about her mid-freshman year of high school, and then she slowly started to see me different.

It's not too hard to see why she wants to go to dad's house. Too bad he will not work with you. I really don't have some solution other than time worked for me and continued to be consistent. Of course the easiest thing to do, but not her best interest is go live with dad. I truly think this would hurt her in the long run and not learn from it. She's not going to love you the way you want right now, and I know how frustrating this is. Even in her eyes you are the bad one, let her think that for now so she realizes later in life you love her dearly. My daughter hated me, and her dad kept telling me, it's not your time to be her best friend but her mother.

You could try to get her involved in a healthy project that she likes. I really know how hard it is, I use to cry myself, this was my little girl who was hating me so much, LOVE HER and keep the rules. One day she will be a mother and it will make a lot more sense to her how much you love her and always wanted to best for her.

It sounds like your daughter is hurting and crying out for some love. I know you love your daughter but right now she sees a boyfriend and a new baby. She doesn't get to have her mommy and daddy at home and this baby has cemented the fact that you will never get back together.

Instead of doing all the harsh discipline right now, take her out for a ice cream or something and tell her that you know things are tough. Tell her you would probably behave the same way if your life was turned upside down. (Even if you wouldn't.) She needs to know that you understand that her life is upside down and she needs you to take some of the blame. All of her actions sound like she is just wanting to tell you how unhappy she is. She needs a lot of extra love from you right now.

I know how she feels because I was her. I did learn to love my step-mom and half-brother, but it took many, many years. The anger will last even longer. The more you can show her that you care about how she is feeling, the better. Ask her what you can do to make things easier for her (within reason, of course). Ask her for her help in making some decisions since she is growing up and she can't depend on the younger siblings yet. Think of other ways you can talk about and demonstrate to her what you love about her.

Tell her she will still have to have consequences when she misbehaves or acts disrespectful, but you look forward to her taking on a more mature role. Do this all in a calm, loving conversation. And don't give up. It will not change her overnight, but it will happen sooner if you take all the emotion out of it.

What would happen if she DID go live with Dad? Seriously...
Do you truly believe that if he had to deal with all the fallout with school and he had to be the one to see her report cards and get the phone calls about her being tardy and deal with her drama EVERY DAY... not just on the weekends when he can ignore b/c he knows that you aren't... that he would still continue to let her do whatever she wants?

Since you and the father are not on the same side, he's cutting you off with what you're trying to accomplish.
If you and he can talk and you get him to see how he's enabling your daughter's misbehavior by his actions prayerfully, he will come to his senses.
Children test boundaries...it's what they are good at...parents have to stay firm and stick together about what is and is not acceptable.

Unfortunately, I think you are not aware of her needs right now. Sounds like you aren't very understanding of her situation. At 12 years old I'm sure I wouldn't be real happy or eager to please my mom that has a boyfriend and is pregnant. Sounds like she's feeling very little value right now in your eyes. All I heard you mention is discipline and nothing about a reward system. You're living in the negative instead of the positive. Instead of threatening her with everything you're going to take away why don't you turn things around and discuss how she can earn privilages. Help her develop short term goals and spend time with her EVERYDAY to help her stay on track. Review her homework with her EVERYDAY and quiz her over her notes to be sure she is understanding and absorbing the material being covered. If you show a genuine interest in your daughter things will naturally turn around. Remember she is a child that is not on track right now. You cannot expect the school to fix that. It starts at home. You're the parent. It is your job to raise your child, not the schools.

Family counseling sounds like a very good idea here because you don't seem to be accepting any fault. I'm sure if you spend some time with your daughter and listened to her and asked her to be honest with you about how she is feeling you would be surprised at what you would hear. she needs your support right now not just your discipline.