Tell an Old Boyfriend About a Termination

Don't tell him. I wouldn't have told him then, and it's pointless now. If you need to talk about it, seek a counsellor.

what possible good could come out of this? If you had had the baby and it was out in the world through adoption then I could see it but this has no happy ending at all. he will be upset. it sounds like you have unresolved issues about it. I would suggest talking to a priest or counselor but I would not bring him into it at all.

Seriously? Some things are better left unsaid.

Unless you like unnecessary drama, then go for it.

No. And in fact, I would message him and tell him it was nice getting caught up but since we are both married I don't see any reason to keep in touch. Be respectful of your husband and marriage and don't continue with this. JMO. Good luck.

Don't tell him.
It's over and done a long time ago.

Additional:
On the one hand my husband does not control who I have for friends but on the other hand I respect and love my husband and I wouldn't be re-connecting with an old boyfriend.
My husband does not connect with old girlfriends out of respect for me.
If you want to talk - talk to a counselor to resolve any feelings you have about your abortion.

What would you gain by telling him?
Nothing.
Don't tell him.
HOWEVER....I know you didn't ask, but I have to say....your husband is not fond of your friendship with your ex boyfriend from 20 YEARS ago.
What are you doing?Y ou are in your 40's and were having an emotional affair with this man. If you value your marriage you would stop talking with this man.

I think you should ask yourself why you're feeling a desire to tell him now. Are you seeking to engage him in a serious, intimate conversation? Why? You said you are pulling back but still occasionally "chat" I would consider having that kind of conversation a lot more than chat. There is no benefit to telling him. I agree with seeing a therapist if you still need to process what happened years ago. Out of respect for your marriages and families, leave your ex alone.

Quit flirting with ex-boyfriends on social media and entertaining ways to create drama in both your lives.

Get a hobby that doesn't involve potentially cheating on your husband or stirring up trouble for anyone else. Maybe knitting? Cake decorating? Dirt biking?

Don't tell him. There is no point other than unburdening yourself and the potential for fallout is huge. This is your secret to carry to your grave.

You really need to let go now, of the past and of your new connection. Let it fade away. Don't initiate any more conversations. Even considering opening this can of worms shows how attached you still are, and that is not good.

I don't expect that you'll tell us this here, and indeed, I don't know if you even know the reason why you would even contemplate telling this man you got pregnant by him and aborted, but I really wonder what is in your head here. What do you expect him to do? Do you expect him to say "If you had told me, I would have married you"? Do you expect him to say "Oh thank goodness"? What is it you want to hear?

You don't get to make him say what you want to hear. You had better keep your story to yourself. Now, if you want to hurt him, or if you think this disclosure will take away some of your feelings or regret or guilt, then you are just thinking of yourself.

Basically, if you tell him this, you are the kind of person who either wants to hurt him, or only make yourself feel better. Is that want you want?

Absolutely not. Put your time, attention, and energy into your marriage. Back away from this facebook "friendship" and be present in your real life, or you may one day wake to find your real life is gone.

J. F.

NO!! You don't tell him a thing about it. PERIOD. End of story.

What you SHOULD tell him? Thanks for the memories. Thanks for catching up, but I love my husband and my family. We broke up for a reason.

If you don't love your husband then you need to make a decision to either fix it or leave it.

I can tell you that if you "THINK" things will be better or different with this dude, once you get into a routine, that newness will wear off and you'll be right where you are now.... stop putting energy into this dude and put into rekindling the flame with your husband.

Do not start drama, do not get involved drama, save your energy for your loved ones.

I almost feel like you need to slowly, drop this guy on your FB. Sounds like you like the jealousy of your husband a bit. and the attention from this guy. And that is not healthy for a good marriage. Do not test loved one. Instead hold them closer for strength.

And if you feel like sharing this information with anyone, let it be your favorite pet. They will keep a secret and will be faithful for life. They love you and do not judge.

Be strong. You made a decision and it is done. You are a strong and intelligent woman, you know this will just cause too much drama for everyone.

Why in the world would you tell him now? What is your endgame on his knowledge? All him knowing will do is hurt him and dredge up the past.

DO NOT TELL HIM. There is nothing good that will come of it. It can't be undone.

Of course don't say anything, what good do you expect to come from it? Kind of just sounds like you're looking for a reason to connect with him even more.

Well, the "no"s have it.

First question I have ever seen where every respondent is in agreement.

At this point I would let it go and not mention it, what good would it do? And honestly, if your friendship with this person makes your husband feel uneasy you should cut it out out of respect for your husband. My SO and I connect with old flames, but we both have an understanding that if any of those friendships makes the other uncomfortable for any reason we will end it because our partners mental health and well being are way more important then keeping in touch with someone from our past, there is a reason they are the past after all.

You are a grown woman and you need to give this attention to your kids and husband and not some fling from 20 years ago.

No, do not tell him this. The time to talk would have been prior to the abortion, not 20 years later.

What would are hoping will happen if you tell him? If it is to help shoulder guilt you may feel I would recommend talking to a therapist instead. The only thing that will happen if you do tell him is that he will feel bad, possibly awful. If you didn't tell him then, I wouldn't tell him now.

Are you looking for excuses to talk to this man?

No!
20 years of water under the bridge.

Did it bother you before you recently re-connected through Social Media? Are you bringing it up now to make an excuse to talk with him. I know about Emotional relationships. My husband has had one over the years with a woman he does business with at work. He is a shipping Manager and she is a sales rep from one of the trucking companies. My husband comes home every night on time and loves me and our two kids and he is with us on the weekends but I know he enjoys texting with this woman. We have discussed it so it is out there. Sever ties with this man, if he didn't need to know before you re-connected then he doesn't need to know now. Focus on your marriage. Put a hedge of thorns around this man and get on with your marriage and family. =)

I'm in the "no" camp too, mainly because that is an intimate conversation to have with someone and you're married.

I'm not sure what the point of telling him would be at this stage of the game. It seems like it will stir up more of the past.

JMO.

No good at all can come of telling him now. None. He doesn't know about it and doesn't feel any kind of loss. Telling him now could very well anger him or create a deep sadness.

You are too involved with him already. You've already admitted that you got too close and needed to pull back (good for you for recognizing that and following through). Telling him something like this will only increase the emotional connection, even if it is a negative emotion - it will create stronger feelings. There is absolutely no benefit to him whatsoever by providing this information. It would be very, very wrong.

No, it's over and nothing you can do now. Also, IF it's going to hurt the guy, then why tell him, unless you purposely want to arouse ill feelings, for which he can't do anything with. you can relieve your conscience in other ways and it doesn't always have to be by stirring other peoples' emotions.. I would think first about the other person rather than just how you feel...

No. You didn't think he had a say in the decision back then, so what good could possibly come from telling him now, "You know, I didn't feel enough of a connection with you then to even discuss it, but here I am 20 years later throwing it in your face." If it's "no big deal" to him then it's not worth discussing. If he were to be horrified or wistful ("Gee, I could have had a child…."), there's no good to come of it. You're saying, "I didn't trust you then, and I'm here today to tell you about that." Really? How can he see this as anything positive? What's he supposed to do with that info? Feel badly that you had to go through it alone? So it's about you, not him.

I think your reason for wanting to tell him has to be much much deeper. You are trying to establish intimacy (which you didn't have then, except for a little physical intimacy) and a connection, something to tie him to you based on something long ago. So the question is, why are you trying to do that? Your husband is not thrilled, you already realize you had to pull back because it was verging on inappropriate. Now you want to pull back in?

The fantasy is fueling something in you. Time to deal with that and whatever is unsatisfying in your marriage. You are not 20 anymore. If you can't make this go away, get some counseling for you and your husband. In any case, make a decision - choose a life and the man you want (if you want him), and stay there. This is not healthy waffling back and forth between what is and what might have been.

If you didn't tell him at the time, don't tell him now. It may bring up a lot of hurt and pain that can't be changed.

No. Don't tell him. There's nothing to be done about it now, and it's better he not know at this point. It was a decision you made that was right for you at the time.

Nah. Wow, everyone agreed on this?

I would not mention it now. It's water under the bridge. Nothing will be gained by telling.

i can't think of one single solitary good reason to do this.
if you both leave your spouses and end up together, then yes. (and it sounds as if this is not out of the question- this guy is still clearly taking up lots of space in your head.)
but under the current circumstances?
no way.
khairete
S.

What would be the point of telling him now? I see no possible good that could come of it. It can't be undone, you are not a couple, so I see no reason for him to need to know.

I would never ever mention it. There is no marriage or intimate relationship here. The information would only hurt him. It's not something you should tell him.

I learned a lot in college. One thing was how we're programmed to be a parent.

Little girls are told their dolls/toys are babies and that they are Mommies and from that moment on their baby is real to them, they plan when they hold their first born, they plan on being pregnant, they have a baby internalized into their mind. It's real from the moment they hold that first doll and mentally start being a mommy to something. I can also be a younger sibling...

To boys they don't become a "dad" until they hold their first born in their arms and look into their eyes and make that mental connection, most of the time that's it. They can have that moment with a sibling too but generally it's holding their first child.

This plays out very much when a pregnancy is miscarried. If a couple is pregnant with their first child and it's miscarried the man usually has no concept of the "death" of their child, they feel a loss that their child isn't going to happen but they aren't in mourning, they are just disappointed.

BUT if the wife has a miscarriage after the dad has had that falling in love with their first born already and they know what it is to love their own child fully then they will mourn the loss of other children to the same extent as if the has been born and died later. They feel that loss more deeply. They understand the potential that child had and they loved it the moment they heard about it.

SO telling this man his child was terminated or killed or miscarried is only a way to make him feel pain. It's in the past and has NO meaning now. DO not tell him.

To what end? What do you want to happen? Are you just looking to share this experience in hindsight? Do you want to sit and brood together about what might have been? What would be the point? Does your husband know about the termination?

My answer to your question is a no-brainer: ABSOLUTELY NOT. At this point, it is none of his business.

You should probably, also, cut back a little further in your communication with him.

No, don't tell him. What good would it do? It's not like you can change the outcome, it's done and over.

My husband dated someone who had an abortion, it killed him. I see no point in telling him now.

You are searching for something Mama but I don't know what it is. You are trying to find it with this Facebook guy but I don't think you will find it there. Wishing you the best as you try and find what you are looking for.

While he has a right to know, the time where it would make a difference has long since passed. If you would tell him now just to make yourself feel better, you shouldn't tell him. If you were rekindling a relationship with him, for the sake of honesty in the relationship, I would say tell him.

You didn't tell him then....so why tell him know? What is your goal or what do you expect or want to happen? It seems you are searching for a deeper emotional attachment or reaction from him. Redirect your energy and attention to your husband and not some ex.