Teens - Woodward,OK

I have two brothers who are much younger that me and I remember what it was like when they were 13. I think your doing a wonderful job. I think you should always be available to listen to her. Not to be her friend either, But as her parent you should be the one she can always trust above anyone. She will work through her sexuality and figure out where she fits. You should just be supportive no matter what she chooses. Youll know when you talk to her face to face if she is seeking attention or if she does need bcontrol. I would talk to her about std's and safe sex. Whatever you do dont deny her the birthcontrol. That would be a mistake.

At 13, she doesn't know what she is yet. She may think she in bisexual, but probably just trying to figure things out. When my kids were in highschool, for a while, many of the kids at their school said they were also. Turned out for most, to be a phase. I remember my shock. (By the way, they like the "shock effect" alot). If she is dealing with all of these issues, in my opinion she is really vulnerable right now and needs some counseling. She is trying to sort out some big issues. How she deals with them now can hugely impact the next several years. Maybe some individual counseling and some family counseling. She really needs to feel valued as an individual and a young woman now. Good luck.

You are doing a really great job by letting her know that you are there for her and will always be there for no matter what. As far as the bi-sexual thing goes I would ask her about it. If she says she is then make sure she knows that she can get std's from girls as well. If it were my daughter I would tell her that I understand she is trying to figure where she fits in and it's ok to experiment so that she can find out who she is but that she needs to know all the good and bad of the situations, such as heartbreak and std's, rumors, all the feelings that go along with the physical relationships. I would make sure she understands that it's a big deal and not something to just throw around. I would make sure that no matter what though she knows you are here for her and that you will love her and not judge her for the choices that she makes. In my family humor is always a big thing so if that is something that helps your family maybe making some jokes about it will help, like if she decides she wants to be with women atleast she can't get pregnant. I know some people wouldn't think that is funny but my family does better with humor in serious situations. I hope things work out well for you. Again you are doing a great job as mom!!!

I don't think putting a teen on birth control gives a teen permission to have sex. Even if it did, they don't need anyone's permission to have sex. I certainly didn't have my mother's and it didn't stop anything. I also think you should definately know for sure why she wants it. I have been very honest with my 15 year old and told her there is a certain amount of hurt that comes from knowing that someone knows you (or your spouse) in a way that God intended only a husband and wife to know each other. She has chosen not to actually date yet. She and her boyfriend come to our house and watch tv or play games(in the living room with me and hubby)or we all go out with other younger two kids as a family. We have set boundries, but you can't keep a reign tight enough to make a teen use good judgement. It is something they have to choose. I have also stressed that an unwanted pregnancy is not the worst thing that can happen from sex...aids and other diseases that follow you for life are much longer lasting problems than a pregnancy. As far as the bi-sexuality, I don't have any experience. I do know that several girls at my daughter's high school are bi and open about it. I am afraid that some of them are experimenting and have prematurely labeled themselves, not recognizing the consequences that may come later. The main thing is be honest,open and ask a lot of questions. As hard as it is, try not to judge. She is going to make her own choices even if you don't agree with her. Make sure she knows you love her no matter what. Good luck!

I know it's a lot to deal with, but I think you're doing a great job. She's only 13, and chances are, she doesn't really know whether she's bi-sexual or gay. At that age kids go through phases, and most grow out of it. At 12 and 13 MANY kids experiment with the same sex, and even consider themselves bi-sexual. It seems like your daughter has taken on a lot of responsibilty at a young age, and it could just be the stress of the situation that has her confused about things. Just keep a close eye on her, I remember being 13, and I remember all the things I did, but in the end I turned out just fine. Just continue to show her that you love her unconditionally, and keep talking to her about what's going on in her life. Eventually, she'll realize that she can talk to you about anything. My prayers are with you and your family.

H. it sounds like you have your hands full, God bless you! Being a stay at home mom with 5 kids is admirable... Communication is always important with your kids and I hope that with your other children you will now have the time to start that before 13. Kids are now discussing things in 3rd grade that I didn't know about until I was in high school! I agree with Martha that the best thing any parent can do is keep a tight reign on your kids. I too have a 15 year old and 12 year old twins (all girls) and a tight reign keeps them in balance. It is never the easy way and many times I know I am the evil mom, but as my mom told me, I am here to be her mom first and foremost, she has plenty of friends. My daughter's friend told me the other night she wished her mom cared enough to strict with her...kids really do want that...even when they get mad. Also, when raising kids, sex is discussed like it is just some act that kids do. It is also about self respect and knowing that it is a life change when you make that desicion and you can't change it. I think it is important to teach your children that any decision they make, will always have a life changing impact...so make your desicions wisely. Yes, they can also get pregnant and get STD's, but it goes to the core of who they are too... don't just tell kids don't have sex or use birth control...talk to them about it...explain the emotional side of what it is really like. Tell your daughter wait and watch her friends do it and see how they change, inside... Tell her to always let her friends make those first desicions and watch the reprecussions they have...sometimes that can be a huge impact...I think my oldest is seeing that...

Dear H. C.
I am a mom of a 17 yr old girl and a 16 yr old boy. I have always kept a tight reign on my kids. I can honestly say that because of this they have made good decisions. I have also made sure that my children are accountable for their behavior. Sounds like you need to pull the reigns in on your kid. Being open with a 13 year old who has no experience in life is not a wise idea. Kids need structure and discipline. They don't need permissiveness which I believe you have confused. If you put your daughter on birth control you will be making a grave mistake. In essence you are giving her permission to have sex. Try giving her a more structured day, fill it with activities. It sounds like you need to go to counseling. I think that the behavior your seeing is perhaps your daughters way of acting out the emotional pain she has inside. I would encourage you to do an exercise program together at home or elsewhere to help both of you with your pain. Perhaps she needs to spend some more quality time with her father, talking, playing games and participating in his care. Encourage your husband to talk to your daughter and tell her how much he loves her. Try not to be angry with her but instead guide her about the truth of being sexually active too soon. I wish you luck, my prayers are with you. You have a lot on your plate.

My daughter is twelve but I have experience with older teen girls. First and foremost I will recommend the book REVIVING OPHELIA to you. It might help you rethink your methods of communication and your parenting strategy regarding your daughter. Another good book for your daughter is the book OUR BODIES OUR SELVES. This addresses EVERY aspect of a woman's life and sexuality. I purchased it and began selectively reading portions of it to my daughter when she was 8. Although she certainly is not among the ranks of the uninformed, she most certainly will not be prompted to be on the pill. The tweens and teens are tough. 13 is a tough age. Children are confused about their sexuality at that age. Especially with the girls, the body is changing, harmones are raging...It is normal for little girls and little boys to sometimes have "crushes" on their peers (commonly called "girl crushes" or "boy crushes")because they admire certain traits within a friend of the same sex. This does NOT mean that the child is truly "bi-sexual". The child is not old enough to KNOW which sex...if any sex, they prefer. Per your discription, she most definately IS at a difficult place in her life right now. Any stressors (such as the fathers impending death) will amp up the volume on her behavior or response. However, you can not walk around her on egg shells. You ARE not meant to appease her every whim or request. Keep in mind, it is GREAT to be a friend to your child...BUT foremost, you are the MOTHER and that means taking responsibility and saying NO.

You said that you wanted to act ADULT about the situation. Well, you should keep in mind that in this case, you ARE the ADULT. She is a CHILD and unfortunatley, you cannot treat her as an ADULT. Birth control is an ADULT decision. To have SEX is an ADULT decision. I'm certainly not ignorant nor ill informed. I realize (unfortunate as it is) that there are little girls walking around at the age of 11 pregnant. However, just to make an appointment and place her on the pill is an EASY OUT for you and for her. There should definatley be a lengthy dialogue that precedes the trip to the health department or clinic. Yes, if she admits to being sexually active...then YES, you do need to provide her with birth control. You also need to arm her with information about STD's and AIDS. In addition, you need to assist her with her self esteem. Girls who are sexually active that young are seeking out attention to make up for something they don't recieve at home. My true thought is that she is NOT sexually active but only wants to get your attention by asking for the birthcontrol. Remember, even to a 13 year old kid...attention is attention...it doesn't matter if it is good attention or bad attention. Also you might want to consider counseling to assist her in dealing appropriately with the impending death of her father.