Teenagers - Concord, CA

I've recently finished reading an EXCELLENT "guide" for raising teenagers. The book is called, "Get out of my life, but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the Mall" by Anthony Wolf.

The book describes many teen behaviors and I found it quite helpful.

http://www.amazon.com/Life-First-Could-Drive-Cheryl/dp/03...

Good luck,
K.

HI, I have a son in high school and he is very much the same. He never wants to do anything or go anywhwere, but if i force him to he usually ends up enjoying himself. Maybe it is just normal teenage stubbornness. I am also a single parent and it is hard to be tough with kids and no husband to back you up.

Hi S.,
I've been reading Raising Cain in the past couple of weeks. It's been enlightening for me in terms of helping me understand what boys go through, how they respond to growing up, and how I can best support that growth while still maintaining a connection. I don't know if it would help you, but I highly recommend it!
Best of luck,
K.

Dear S.: I have a 17 year old son who was very much like this last year during Sophomore year. There were many days when he wouldn't/couldn't wake up in time to go to first period and so he would just decide not to go at all -- for the whole day. As a result, he missed a lot of work and everything just snowballed on him. We tried many, many things but to make a long story short, we ended up sending him to a boarding school which specializes in unmotivated teens and now, he is doing very well.

HOWEVER, in retrospect, I wish that we had tried Family on the Edge Coaching Services, based in Pleasanton, whose coaching service is targeted to support families through trying times. Please check out their website at www.familyontheedge.com or contact Lisa Fairchild at ____@____.com. I've known Lisa for many years and she has an 18 year old boy herself so she'll know exactly where you're coming from.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Take care,

R.R.

I am a high school teacher and I have found that kids who lose interest in normal kid activities almost always have discovered either drugs or Internet addition. Sorry to upset you with
such bad news, but here's what I recommend (Dr. Phil would agree with me.):
One day when your kids are being supervised by their step mom, take off work early and
go home and go through your son's room, looking for evidence of either drug paraphenelia,
porno sites on his computer, or any other like My Face, etc. I had a student who couldn't
function in the classroom because he was so sleep deprived. His parents moved his computer out of his bedroom and took control of the mouse. (And watch out, they can get another mouse easily.) I am most suspicious of drugs because of his uninterested friends. Oh, they're interested, but not in anything you would approve of!

If you do find drug paraphenalia, you need to do research about what support there is in your community for rehab and follow their advice. Before you confront him, remove several non-essential items from his room and hide them in someone else's house. When he finds his drug stuff and other favorite things are missing, he will get angry. Defensive. Remember that his anger is the drug talking, trying to protect itself. Tell him that you are protecting HIM! Stay calm. Within a few days, tell him you need a drug test to find out what he is taking. Don't let him say "It's just a little pot. It makes me feel good." Well, follow the advice of the rehab group or counselor. But if they don't think of this, do it":
Everyday keep removing stuff from his room, even his bed. He won't like sleeping on the
floor. You can tell him that every day that he stays clean and sober, he can have stuff back.
Hold the bed for later, like 2 or 3 weeks.

These teen years are very formative. Catch it while it's fresh! God bless you in your
struggle. Don't take anything personally.

Grandma N.

I was totally like your son at that age. I think its hormones because I remember not really having any rational reason to be locking myself in my room every night and not talking to my parents at all things were just changing and it was a little scary. So my advice would be to not take it personally and don't be reactionary if you can help it. Most importantly, keep at least some line of communication open and easy with your son, don't pressure him to do things, just respect that he is trying to have his own space but definitely don't let him disrespect you. His interests are changing, give him time and he will show interest in something and then you should be supportive. I was such a good kid generally, and it sounds like your son is. But just this exact phase made my parents give up on me, they just let me lock myself away and never even tried to really talk with me, understandably, they were hurt, but i feel like I resented them for a long time even into adulthood. Today if you asked them they would say I was so perfect, until I was about thirteen and then just horrible, I would'nt even play softball. I think kids this age need to be cut some slack and supported because they are on a hormonal and emotional rollercoaster. And if it is any consellation, I am now 30, I am a college graduate, a homeowner, world traveller, and now a happily married mother of an eight month year old daughter.

First of all these are incredibly difficult transition stages in age for them and with the multitude of environmental influences it's a little like negotiating mine fields. Please don't feel alone or give up! They need to have your consistency and commitment to be there when they decide to make a move or have an interest. Choice of friends and influence is powerful, really monitor what's going on with that. If you have noticed a major shift in interests make sure you are not blind to a drug factor if that may be there. You are wise in not leaving them unsupervised. The idle mind is the devil's playground, and teen years are our most vulnerable. My suggestion is have a LISTEN with your children and ask what is going on with them? Try to just listen, no playing mom here, you may ask what one thing they would commit to and follow through with, if they have none then save your money and efforts... perhaps it is only your ear that they seek. I have been guilty of talking at my children and trying to let them know what sacrifices and expenses I have extended and how ungrateful they are. KIDS HAVE NO CONCEPT OF MONEY NOR DO THEY VALUE IT'S COST IN HOURS AND EFFORT. They merely feel lost and confused as to why they feel pressured to make us happy, and "bored" with life. I think that your relationship with them and meeting them where they are is the most important. Their individual reality is completely different than yours i promise you this. You have to become someone they trust and respect before they want to do anything to please you. THEY WON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU KNOW, TILL THEY KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE! and even though we think we have showed them and that they know we love them; it's amazing how the enemy deceives them with lies in this arena. I have several years in counseling teens and facilitating bible study classes called "growing kids GOD"S way" as well as raising my own teenagers and a few that adopted me; This is the most rewarding experience on the planet to get it "RIGHT", and the most emotionally challenging and difficult all at the same time. YOU are not alone and YOU are great to find a few people you trust for some back up as I know you will need it. That old adage that it takes a village to raise a child; is oh so true. Kids need guidelines and perameters so do not get faint at heart now when they need you most. Do not allow them to take verbal freedoms, and do not put yourself on an equal plane with them by arguing. We need not attend every pissin' match we are invited to. This only gives the enemy more energy and allows things to elevate to levels that we say mean and damaging things to our children, which distances further our already strained relationship.. Ask GOD for his guidance he is always there and knows those children best!
Many blessings to you I will keep you in my prayers.

I would suggest that the first thing you do is not to keep mentioning "how much you work for HIM, so that HE can do things". You work because you are a responsible adult and you must take care of the household. Your son will respect this truthful viewpoint instead of something that makes him feel bad (and possibly the reason he is not participating). He might be feeling guilty about you HAVING to work so that HE can do things. Plus, he might, deep inside, think that if he does not participate, then you will not have to work so much (and he will be able to spend more time with you).

Also, kids love their parents and they NEED their parents. So, when you are home with your children, involve them in the tasks of cooking, maybe even make some cookies together. Spend time playing board games with your children. Build the relationship back together.

Don't make it all about the daily grind --"do your homework, clean your room, etc."

Finally, sometimes kids need a little boost in confidence. Be his cheerleader and praise more than you nag him.

S. B. you are the mom and hold on to that power! When my eldest was 14 she behaved the same way. It got worse as time progressed. What saved me was the talk-line. If you live in San Farncisco call 441KIDS. it's a talk-line and helps you by listneing and making some good recommendations on how to proceed. The next thing, is to hook up with other single moms-parents to share your stories and get support for yourself. Watch Dr. Phil and the Nanny. Sometimes, issues around teens come up that I find helpful. Is the dad in the pic? Does he give you support? Forgive yourself for being a single mom (if you haven't) and follow your heart and gut. He's going through inner-turmoil and is probably seeking help,but is scared. Everything stems from anger: pain, anxiety, stress, and fear-- but it looks and sounds like anger. Good luck! Been there, done that and you will survive..lt

Hi S. B--
No doubt you have your hands full. I'm no expert, but I am the mom of boys, ages 16 and 18. There are times when I wonder how I got through life this far without their infinite wisdom. ~Rolling eyes-blank stares-smirks.~
Sometimes it's like a rollercoaster ride; scarey, but pretty soon it's over and you survived. Remember it's temporary.
Having them go to the stepmom's after school was a good idea.
1. Tell both your kids every day that you love them.
2. When he's not angry, ask if you can get a hug.
3. Make a point to talk with him (not at him) every day.
4. Always know where he is and who he's with. Let it be clear that lies are not tolerated. He'll test you.
5. The only thing worse than him thinking you're "in his face" is him thinking you don't care, which of course isn't true, but it has to be demonstrated. He's trying to find himself, he's coping with his parents not being together, he's dealing with hormones, new emotions, and his place in this world. No longer a baby~not yet an adult. Does his father interact with him? It would be good for them to have some one-on-one time regularly. Ask other moms if they know of a good counselor (male) with whom he can vent in a neutral setting.
Hang tight mom. It will get better.

Hi S.,

I'm sorry to hear that your son is having some trouble. It is so hard to raise teens these days. They have so many pressures and struggles. Their hormones are changing and mood swings occur. One minute they love you and the next minute they don't know you. If he's struggling in school, that can really make life even harder for him. Has he ever been tested for learning disabilities? Is he able to concentrate and focus? Perhaps he could be tested for learning disabilities. If he has any disabilites, the school will be able to help him. He is probably a little depressed with all that he has to deal with. If you have had to pay any money for these current baseball tryouts and he has chosen to quit, I would tell him that he can quit but he will need to pay you back. If he says he has no money, you can tell him that he has a few valuable possessions that he will have to sell in order to pay you back. When my son decided that he was going to quit Water Polo, I told him that was fine as long as he understood that he would need to reimburse me the $300.00 dollars that my husband and I had paid for him to join. He decided that it would be better if he finished the season, and he decided to continue on to the next season. I hope I have been of some help. Please feel free to email me anytime. Sincerely, L. B.

I no longer have teenagers at home...all three of my children are "grown" (until they need money) and making their way as adults. I was also a single mom when the three of them were still at-home teenagers. It's not easy for sure!

I am, however, still very involved with pre-teens because I am an administrator in a middle school. I've been doing this for the past 10 or 11 years. What you have described with your son is not uncommon. It's difficult, but now is the time more than ever to set limits. All kids this age want a parent, not a friend. This will probably mean the loss of some of your "privileges" as you monitor his. Set firm consequences and FOLLOW through on them.

MOst importantly, DO NOT underestimate the power and influence of peer pressure, no matter how strong of a relationship you feel you have with your son. This is the time that he will, I guarantee you, begin being dishonest with you and hiding what he and his friends are doing.

Please also monitor what's on My Space. Oh my gosh, the things they post and what they say is unbelievable. Know as well that they can open "dummy" accounts, so even though he may have an account in his name that you monitor, who knows how many he has under an assumed identity. This site is nothing but trouble for our teens.

Hope I've helped. The good news is that in about 5 years you'll get your son back!

Hi S.,
I'm wondering if your son is depressed. Have his sleep patterns, appetite, or weight changed recently? These in addition to those behaviors you have described are signs of depression. Have you asked him how he feels about his life and himself? Be a listener, not a "nagger". A good idea would be to get him in for a physical, alerting the doctor before the appointment that you are concerned about possible depression. Good luck! It sounds as if the last thing your son needs is your pointing out to him all of his short comings. I'm sure he is more tham aware of them himself. I know this is really hard to do as a M.. Tell your son you love him and are available to talk or help.

Judi

You could look into Big Brothers Big Sisters. This would give him another male role model in his life. It seems dad is there but when divorce they often need someone else.

Do you have any positive adult male role models that he may feel comfortable talking too? As single moms, we do alot and provide alot. I had to come to the realization that I did not understand all that my son was going through. He went from an honor student to bringing home the flags (F's). It was during this time that I realized the one thing I have never been was a young male growing up with Mom.
He needs someone to talk to about what he is going through as a young man and the pressures that only young men go through, He is at that age where his body is changing and he may not be comfortable talking to you about it. During this time, I told my son that if he could not talk to me, please talk to somebody that he trusted. I was fortunate to have a brother that was close to his nephew. It was a process, but eventually he got his motivation back, graduated, and is now serving our country in the U S Navy.

When I 1st started reading this post, it sounded like my son, but once I finished and read that your son was 16, that is not the case. My son is 12, and going through what sounds like a lot of the same things...he doesn't disprespect me by telling me to shut up, but he will turn and walk away while I'm in the middle of disciplining him, or give me the silent treatment. I sat my son down and asked him (this is after several disagreements before) how I could help him. What was bothering him. How can I do things differently? I turned it around. Instead of attacking him and letting him know how how disappointed I am, I told him I was worried about him. I asked him what I was doing wrong, as to let him know that I know I am human and can do things wrong as well. But...I dont' know if that works with a 16 year old. As far as the kids he's hanging around that lack motiviation too, I'd put an end to that. I know you're a single mom ( I was for 10 years as well as I owned a business) so I understand how exhausted you can be at the end of the day but if there is anything left in you at the end of the day make him do something with you. Even if it's sharing the duties of cooking dinner-going for a walk...just something simple and you may be surprised-he may open up.

Hi S.,

I don't have a hs student-age child, but I was a youth and family therapist for many years, so I've talked to lots of them. The first thing to know is that your son is showing signs that he doesn't feel good inside, the dropping out of activities, not doing schoolwork, and hanging with the unmotivated peer group are not just part of being a teenager. Any signs that he may be smoking weed as well? Those things often go together.

The first thing is to try to talk with him from a place of concern, not anger or frustration (I know it may be hard). Find a calm time where it's private and you have each other's undivided attention. Then let him know you are worried about what's happening with him, and tell him you're there to listen, not judge. Then listen. And don't let him put you off with a bad attitude or whatever. Try to stay warm, loving, positive. If he starts and stalls out, ask questions that occur to you. Let him know you are on his side and want him to feel better. Tell him you love him, reach out to him. Try to bridge the gap. Be very real with him, and allow him to say what's on his mind, even if you don't like it.

If he's willing to talk, great. Hopefully you'll find out. If not, don't stop there. Let him know you are concerned enough to get other people involved. Talk to his dad and stepmom. And make an appt at his school and go see the counselor there. Tell him/her your concerns, and also ask them to check in on your son. He may need ongoing counseling for a while.

You also need to be willing to lay down some tough rules and consequences. He should do chores or get a job to pay you back for the lost baseball costs so he can understand why you're so upset. This would also occupy some of his free time. Get to know the kids who are his friends, invite them over, introduce yourself to their parents. If you discover they are involved with drugs or other negative things like gangs, advise your son he may not hang with them anymore. Make appts with teachers and find out what work he can make up. No tv or video games or whatever until the homework is done, and the grades come up.

This probably sounds like a lot of work, but your son is crying out for some attention. Give him the kind that's good for him. All kids, no matter what age, want to know their parents care enough to help them do the right thing when they're not doing it themselves. And don't forget the hugs and the I love you's and the doing stuff together. Get more connected in every way possible. He's not too old.

Good luck!

L.

Hi S.,

My name is B. and have a 17 year old teenager. I feel exactly how you feel. I noticed that battling with her only makes this worse. It is like putting an instance wall between us. So, what I would like to suggest is, teenagers like your son needs someone who could deeply understand their feelings. They need emphatic listener. Understanding means they need someone to walk with them while knowing exactly how they feel and why they act that way. To listen mean start talking to him like, Son, I understand where you are coming from. I feel exactly how you feel. I am your mom I am here and will always listen to you. If he is not ready to talk with you, you can suggest. Okey, I will respect your silence. I will give you the privacy to feel the feeling of where you are right now. I guarantee that once you enjoyed that feeling, you won't feel the same way anymore. That feeling only happens once in a lifetime. As you feel your feeling always remember mom is here who always love you no matter what.

Thank you for reading. B.. I used that enjoying the feeling one time when I was depressed. You can visit my story about feeling the feeling and click about me at www.freedomathometeam.com/real

Teenager is a hard one they are bound and determinated to do as they please. They are not adult and ther not kids. They are on a way different plain the we are.

If you can have a famialy meeting and try to comunicate to them and them to you.

Yelling and screaming at each other not good. Try to find a happy meadum for every thin. Lisen to the Imean reall lisen to them.

Pleas let me know how thing go i'll tell you more if needed.
here is my email address.

____@____.com

Sencerly your V. R.

Hi Sherri,

I also have a son in jr. high, and am a single mom of two kids (My daughter is in 3rd grade). My son has changed ALOT! He seems distant too, and is into his friends/my space, Ipod,his appearance,etc. He does play basketball, but doesn't want me to acknowledge him in front of his friends.He seems mopey and unhappy most of the time.

But recently, he snapped out of it when we were alone at home..Told me he loved me..And we seem close again. I moved out of my boyfriends house on1/4, and that took alot of guts on my part. I think if you respect anything he does at all, like taking out the garbage, and praise him, this is what he needs..I know it's hard, but if you are simply loving, he'll turn around too.

Hi S.,
I feel such empathy with your letter, your frustration and dismay at how your previously successful, engaged son has changed. As a single mother, I had many of the same experiences and feelings when, soon after my divorce, my son, 11 at the time, daughter, 8, began acting so differently. I tried talking, loving him more openly--whatever came to mind as I was at my wit's end. There are so many ways, in hindsight, that I wish I'd done things differently (not so eager to date again, taking classes at night for my education career teaching, thinking I could move through this if I set minimal limits)but, ultimately, what I'd do differently is this: when he struggled in school, get tutoring and spend more time with him myself, in an effort to manage his time better; set better, clearer limits to talking back, acting out and associating with friends I could not appreciate, such as more immediate and specific consequences with expectations that were clearly explained, and follow through with those consequences!(In hindsight, I now know how they saw my boundaries as negotiable and inconsistent.)They knew school was vital to me so it became their way to demonstrate their acting out. Yes, both of my kids gave me grief until late in the teenage years when both began to see the error of their ways, thank heavens!Maybe playing in the band needs to be his area of power, but school certainly cannot be one, in my opinion. There we cannot let them decide their fates. Supervision and specific expectations, with help whenever and however it is needed,(stepmom?) shows kids how much we care and how important their success is in this area. I would now spend that time that I did haphazardly then in more constructive, specific, and encouraging ways with small successes. I think my experience has shown me that kids want to do well, will if they are given stable, consistent but watchful guidance and now I would have shelved my own interests in order to meet theirs. Hindsight!

I am right there with you sister! Since my eldest son started puberty, I have had to call my parents at least once a month to apologize for the way that I was when I was a teen! I'm sure my mom is just smiling and thinking, "What goes around. .."

We have taken a two-pronged approach to this kind of issue. First, my children are required to participate in some kind of after-school activity that involves teamwork with kids that they ordinarily wouldn't hang with. We require this because we feel that children with a passion (and full afternoons) are less likely to be involved in illegal and/or dangerous activities. But we didn't tell them that -- nope, we told them that it (a) looked good on college applications and (b) was great practice for the workworld.

This is a non-discussion item in our house. We will let them chose WHATEVER they want to do -- and are willing pay for it. But they have to chose something and follow it through. (My two older boys have chosen Boy Scouts)

The second approach that we have taken (more specifically I have taken, my hubby is not so good with this) is to address the feeling surrounding the situation. This can be really tricky because boys aren't tradtionally very good at nor comfortable with discussing their feelings. However, remember that these teenage years are very tumultous and confusing; the kids need a safe place to discuss things.

So, when my sons start acting all squirrely, I make an opportunity for the two of us to be alone. (Works best if its a casual happening not a Big Planned Event). After we'd started talking, I'd gradually work up to asking a question like this: "Hey, bud, you stopped marching band and now you don't want to do baseball. Seems to me that something has changed."

Then stop and wait. Listen very carefully to what he is saying and reflect it back to him. For example, he may say, "Only dorkish people are in marching band." And you might say, "You think marching band is for losers."

Keep hammering away at him like that and eventually you'll probably get a flood of feelings. It may take awhile -- even several conversations -- but you'll get there. With boys (and men), it's best not to talk about feelings so much as to say things like "What's that like for you?" or "Gee, bet you were totally annoyed." Somehow the word 'feel' tends to clam them up.

My kids know that their health and safety is a real concern of mine. When I think their body is sick, I take them to see our family doctor. If I think they are having troubles with their emotions, they know I'll take them to see a mental health praticioner. A check-up is a check-up, I tell them. Then I bribe them heavily to go (dinner out, movie tickets, whatever it takes -- very few teens will willingly go to see a social worker). And I take them.

I've taken my oldest son only once (major eye rolls -- cost me 1 lb see's candy and 4 movie tickets). When I set up the appointment, I told the therapist that this was really just a check up. If he (the therapist) felt that there was something beyond the normal teen stuff, then we'd be back until we got a clean bill of health (like radiation). If he (the therapist) felt it was normal teen stuff, then we would be done. If he wasn't sure, we'd come back until he was.

This also is a non-negotable thing. I tell the boys that I will do everything in my power to see that they reach adulthood healthy and happy. And since that is a need of mine, it's best if they just humor me and play along. Plus, I'll bribe them so it's all good in the long run. By making it my need ("I'm so worried about your funk that I can't sleep. I need to know you're safe.") and bribing them heavily, the boys (so far) have been willing to go.

In fact, my oldest son mentioned this to a friend of his (bribing for mental health check-ups). Now members of his scout troop periodically tell me that they are depressed. And for two movie tickets (or $15 Starbucks card or new skate wheels or etc), they will let me take them to see a therapist.

You are right right right to have him supervised after school. And use the school staff or attendance line to make sure he goes to every class every day. I would also buy one of those kits at the drug store and test him for drugs when you have extra adults around and can make him do it, and don't tell him ahead of time. Don't fall into the trap of trying to "please" him by giving in if he wants more freedom--tell him he doesn't see it now but he will--you are rescuing him. Everything you describe (hanging out with friends who don't want to do anything, sudden loss of interest in band and bad grades) points to him getting into things you would not want him to do. Believe me, I have been where you are now. I have a 22-year-old that went through exactly the same thing in junior high and ended up in drug rehab. I also have a 16-year-old who watched what her sister did and what the consequences were and is good as gold, not wanting to make the same mistakes. What I would have done differently with my older one is not leave her alone for one minute until she figured out for herself that she was going down the wrong road.

And good for you for working with other adults in your family--you cannot do this alone.

--Battle-scarred Mom

I don't yet have teenagers but have a preteen who we are having issues with. We have a great couple we have known for a while who have lots of great information on the dealing with the teenage years. Patt and Steve Saso. Check out their web site at www.sasoseminars.com. They have a couple of books and do counseling as well but the book 10 Gifts You Can Give Your Teenager. We have met with Patt only twice and things have gotten much better. There is not perfect but she gives a great perspective and a one that fits into reality. From what I have read so far what you are experiencing sounds normal although still not easy to deal with. I can only imagine the specifics of what you are going through but I really believe in what the Saso's have to say and I hope it can help you. I don't remember the cost of the book but I have just started it and already I am learning something. I hope you find something that works. I'll be praying for you.

In the first place you should not allow this teenager to talk disrespectful to you by any means, and quiting after signing up for something should not be allowed. Is there any male person that you can bring into this situation to help you.
At his age if allowed to quit, it will become a habit and a bad on at that. I feel badly for you at this time but feel the only solution is that there be a male to help you handle this boy.

I am a single mom of three boys. Sometimes peer pressure of teens can take a toll. As mothers we have to be mother and father. There are things boys can't tell their mothers, its hard for boys to communicate. My boys are close to me, they don't always tell me everything. Something must be bothering your son. Maybe you can sit down and talk to him, most likely he'll tell you don't understand. Girl problems or disagreeing with his friends can be the problem also.

Hi S..... teen agers! What a subject. You are not alone on the school/money subject with some teens. None of my 3 liked high school..oldest daughter dropped out, did continuation, finished up in Adult Ed. She did go on to MTI and went into legal work. #2 daughter didn't like the dailey 'drama' and successfully did homeschooling and got her diploma. She also worked part time. #3[my son] always struggled with high school as he was in ILP for years, then could'nt handle mainstream classes. Then the NCLB and all the testing to get a diploma really got to him, plus some family problems we were having, and he dropped out as a jr., but was 18. That could be part of your son's problem, if he hasn't passed his 2 required tests to get his diploma yet... As for money spent on sports, I have bought my son a few moderatly expensive bikes, only for he and his friends to tear them apart to make 'better' bikes.... Anyhow, keep your chin up, it's all part of the teen years!! Sincerely, CJ

Hello. Maybe you could dig a little deeper to see what is really bothering him. Kids can be so mean these days. Maybe he is getting bullied or teased at school. You could take him out on a "date" just the two of you. Take him to a place where you can talk and not get distracted. It may take a couple dates for you guys to bond. Are you guys going to church? Maybe you could get plugged in to a good Bible based youth program where he will have good male role models. Honoring your father and mother is one of the Ten Commandments. A very important one I might add. I recommend www.family.org (Focus on the Family) for great advice and support. Your life is difficult enough. It is hard on him I am sure being the "man" in the house. The kids should all work together in your home as a team. Being a single mom is so hard. I praise you for all that you juggle. I homeschool my Jr higher and find that it is a huge sacrafice but there are so many benefits. I know you work, but if there is a real problem in school, it could be worth checking in to. They have charter programs where they could get a majority of their work done at home and attend classes a couple days a week. There are government ran programs and will help you financally pay for the things he needs to school at home. You may have enough money left over to pay for extra curricular activites. My two cents...I'll pray for you.

I have a 15 year old son. And from age 12 on his attitude has changed and it's been horrible. He has no interest in trying, or shows no interest in making friends. He just sits around all the time too. I took him to the doctor and they said he's depressed so he's getting counseling now. I dunno. Teenagers are hard.

I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but kids who were once driven, and all of a sudden lack motivation, are often starting to smoke pot or even something worse. I think it's time to get a little snoopy, without breaking his trust, take a day off work and see what he's up to when your not around. I dont have teenagers, but I was one once, and I know a lot of them. Good luck.

Sadly S., you need to check for drugs. He's at the age when others' influence is more important than yours - and being a single mom makes this even more difficult. You have to ask questions to get answers - ask him. Let him know that he's one of the most important people in your life and that will never change. Let him know that you'll do everything and anything to help him. Then, if and when you find out that drugs are not involved . . . ask more questions. Boys don't just quit sports for no reason. Boys are tough - but they love their moms. When he knows that you love him unconditionally and forever - he'll share.

MY sympathies to your plight. My stepson went through a rebellious phase like that, and the best approach I found was to ignore it. Unfortunately, his father continually fought with him over grades. My stepson's answer was that grades were not important and that he would pass anyway. Unfortunately, he only figured it out for himself when he went to college and figured out that if he did not get a passing grade he would not be promoted to the next level and that his bad grades would influence on his GPA and his ability to transfer to a good college. I suggest you read a book on how to deal with teenagers like How to Talk SO Teens Will Listen by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. You can find that on Amazon.com. Also, has it occurred to you that your son may be depressed? Depression is very common with teenagers and giving up passions like baseball and music is a strong sign of it. Please take him to a psychologist to have him evaluated for depression. It may be a serious condition that is easily dealt with when you know you are facing it. Good luck!

Hi had five children....all adults now....my last was the worst going through puberty.....he tells me now, he had been smoking cigarettes and pot....it sounds similar to your son....I had no clue....check his room and watch his actions when you can.....good luck....G.

I have a 19-year-old son. I was very tough with him. If you have the strength to do what I did, the results will be amazing. It's going to be very difficult, but remember that your son needs this. You need to take back control and demand respect. Telling you to shut up is not an option. If he wants to quit baseball, he is 100% responsible for the money lost. He will have to get a job and pay for it. You must have his father and step-mother back you up. The three of you have to be a united front on the same team. Let you son know that you all love him very much and that you are all working on getting off of his path to failure. There has to be something he loves in his life. Take it away and tell him that school is his job and that he must make it a priority before he gets anything else. Tell him that if he cared about a job as little as he cares about school, he would be fired. Get out the classifieds and have him learn what jobs are available to an uneducated person. When he realizes how much money he will make without an education, then show him the ads for rent and show him your household utilities and your grocery bill. If he wants to be disrespectful, he should think about getting a minimum-wage job and paying his own bills. If he appreciates everything being paid by you and likes being provided for, then he needs to get his butt in gear and do his "job" in school and show you the respect you deserve as his parent and provider! You have to teach him to be gracious, appreciative, and respectful no matter how hard it is. It will feel like he hates you in the process, but the alternative is far worse. When your son faces the world, he will not be liked or accepted if he is the disrespectful slacker you describe. When I read that he tells you to shut up and doesn't care about the money you spent on his baseball, it makes me not like your son at all. I wouldn't want to be around someone who treats their mother like that. It's your job to change his attitude and behavior, or he will have problems for years to come with personal and professional relationships. In addition to being the mother of an amazing, thoughtful, kind, generous, hard-working, and very responsible 19-year-old son, I have also been a single working mother from day one and a nanny to over 15 children over 22 years. I have taken many child development classes and worked with many parents of teenagers. I did this and so can you.

I don't have Teens... however, it could just be regular teen stuff...

But it could be more serious.... depression... something going on in school...

I might approach him when he's not seeming in a bad mood/space... and say something like... "hey... you don't seem like you're very happy... is there something you'd like to talk about? Or would you like to talk to someone other than me?"

That might be too simple... but I'd start their...

S.,
As a mom of a 18 year old my first guess is that he is involved in substances (alcohol, drugs, etc.) or is suffering from depression or both. Making sure he is supervised is key! Also, having restrictions for on-line stuff (and knowing what he is doing on-line) seems critical -- kids can get involved in all kinds of dark things via the internet. Just a couple of suggestions.
Marcai G

Is it possible he's depressed? My niece went through depression in junior high. One of the ways depression in teens can manifest is as anger.

H S.,

I have two teenagers as well. I found that when they got involved with the youth rouop at our church it made a big difference. The Youth Pastor could understand thier problems in a way as their mom I could not. They found a safe place to talk about what was going on in their lives with kids who share similar issues.

I am so proud of the adults they are becoming. I know I could not of made the difference in their lives with out God and the support of our church.

Also try not to fight with him, the hardest thing for me sometimes is to just be still and listen to my kids. In the end they want to know that they are loved.

Any sudden drastic change in behavior merits a serious discussion regarding molestation.

Does he like to play role playing games or video games? Can he have friends over someplace that is in a supervised setting? Sometimes just being able to play and live life on your own terms (relative term at this age) could help. If his life is not his idea, how could it be fun? Did you love doing everything for everyone else and never getting to do what you wanted, maybe that is still happening (it is for lots of people anyway, not saying it is true, just common)

Has he ever been told that it is possible for him to do anything in life that brings him joy? The training I received for hypnotherapy is a great advice for anyone - and they have a standard question for clients. "If you had ALL the money, time and support in the world - what would you LOVE to be doing right now?" then pick some little way, baby steps and steady progress toward manifesting that goal. The steps don't even have to be right, as long as you keep your goal in mind and continue moving in whatever way feels like it might get you closer to that goal.

Also since I learned Quantum Touch healing, I have realized that this energy healing modality can be used to "fix" social and situational issues as well as for healing emotional and physical imbalances. That may be something you want to check out. It is amazing the amount of freedom you can manifest in your life if you are willing to open to the possibilities of just channeling a little pure love into the situation without any demands on the universe as to HOW the situation will be improved. My intention with this work is always "I ask that the highest good be manifest for this situation even if I don't know what that should look like"

I hope this helps in some way. I send the brightest of blessings to you and your family.
Love, L.

In my opinion, he should not be allowed to quit baseball. You are the Mom and you know what's best for him. If he gets mad so be it. He needs a new group of friends and baseball is a good way to do that. He has to have some interests or he is going to get bored and go down the wrong path. I raised 4 boys and none of them ever gave me any trouble. Two weren't great students but made it through. They were all in sports and stayed busy. Don't argue with him just tell him how it's going to be and stick with it. Going to stepmom's after school is a good start. If he's not listening to you in jr. high it's only going to get worse as he gets older. Just remember that you know what's best. Hang in there and stick with it. He will try to rebel but let him know who's THE MOM! : )

Hey Hun,
I have a similair issue. My son is 11 and we are in the process of wanting to buy a home and move out of Oakland to Brentwood or Concord. My son is a great kid. He plays electric guitar but often fights me to practice it. he's so talented but doesn't wanna do it. He also quit Tae Kwon Do after 4 years because he says he was done with it and burned out. I know for a fact my son has never been molested *only mentioning this bc it was in a reply by someone to your issue. I myself was when I was younger and have always been a very protective mother. I was a single mom for a long time after divorcing my son's dad when he was three. My new husband has known me since high school & has been there for me & my son. I believe your son is just going through hormonal changes & maybe some kind of mild depression. I had depression in high school and dropped interests suddenly too. Which high school does he go to? Also, He seems like a good kid. I bet he just needs a good talk with someone like a therapist or "talk doctor" which I call them and they have helped my son over the years. It's very possible he has a slight chemical imbalance. He might need medication Don't worry though...every one goes through changes some time in thier life...either early on or later. You sound like a very loving mom. GOOD LUCK...lemme know

He tells you to shut up? Why do you let him be disrespectful and talk to you that way? Does he have a good relationship with the father? Is there a way to get his father to speak to him about doing something after school?

First of all telling you to shut up is not acceptable. I have raised three sons. I was very strict about respect in our home.
I think one mistake that parents make is that they are in control, not the child. It is your home and a privilege for him to be a part of your family. Clearly he is testing you. My sons had to be involved with either a sport or an organization. They could chose which one. One of the best things that happened was that they joined Sea Scouts (It is like boys scouts, but on a ship) Their ship is called the Gryphon and is docked in Redwood City Harbor. They go on cruises and compete with other ships in the area. Thankfully being involved with Sea Scouts kept them around other nice, respectful boys. Boys have to be at least 13 to join. Parents are invited to functions and the boys do a lot of community service. I didn't have the worry of either drugs or drinking, because the parents were all on the same page. If you want more information about Sea Scouts, feel free to contact me.

I have a 15 year old son, a 25 year old son and a 23 year old daughter (they were teenagers once, and I survived : )
I am also a band director and what caught my attention was that he "was" in marching band, didn't like the band director and "quit". Most schools will not allow a child to "quit" a class without parent permission - so I'm guessing you "allowed" him to quit? There are numerous studies that have been conducted about the value of music education. I once attended an education conference (not on music) and the main speaker started his talk by asking the question: "raise your hand if you've ever heard of a student in the high school band, dropping out of high school?" Not one hand went up and he went on to talk about how we're cutting the wrong programs in schools today. My children were always involved in school activities, church activities, and family activities. There was no other option when it came to these activities. We started these traditions when they were small and they continue to this day. People are amazed that my children (one who has a Master's in Mechanical Engineering and the other is working on a Doctorate in Physical Therapy) call every day just to say "hi". Come home for holidays, introduce us to their friends, and have said that they still enjoy "hanging" out with us. Not to say they don't have lives of their own, but we all do our best to foster good communication. I would suggest arranging a "date" with your son at least twice a month. Let him pick the place where the two of you will go and spend quality time with him. Get someone to watch his sister so that it's just the two of you "reconnecting". At first it might seem a little weird for the two of you to spend a couple of hours together, but I'll bet it won't be long before the two of you start talking again and he may even start looking forward to his special time with Mom. I would also suggest you do the same thing with your daughter. As our kids get older we tend to not spend much one on one time with them. They need that to feel secure about themselves. Your son is at a critical time in his life and he really needs to know that you are there for him. Hope this helps. R.

Welcome to my world my daughter is 16yrs old and is in the 11th grade. All I can advise is that keep a close I on him. to much peer pressure these days with drugs and sex. I am also a single mother it is not fun. I also take care of foster children 12 and 14 boys. I put my daughter in counseling it seems to be working.

Good luck and god bless!!!!!!!!!!!