Teenagers

A., I work with teenage girls (and live with one!). In addition to all the great advice you've been given here, I would strongly recommend the book, "Mom, I Hate My Life!" by Sharon Hersh. In my opinion, the best book for learning to communicate with teenage girls. And I've read a lot of them!

A. - first of all let me say, AMEN! I totally know what you are going through. But, being 2 years further into it, my advice to you is Just Hold On! It gets better.

Let her have her space while you make sure she isn't making bad choices on how to use it (myspace, IM, etc.). Believe it or not, teenagers brains are going through a major restructuring and look alot like a toddlers at this time. Scary thing is their "toys" and "choices" have alot higher stakes. Just like you would keep toddlers away from stairs for their own safety, you have to keep teenagers away from things that could hurt them long term. I'm raising a 16-year old on one end and a 3-year old on the other end. I find myself using alot of the same techniques with both. Efficient!

Here are some hard earned teenager tips:
1. Consider whether they trust YOU instead of whether you trust THEM. They have to feel like they can come to you without a blow up or lecture.

2. When they DO come to you, as long as it isn't something immoral or illegal, ask first, "Do you want some feedback from me?" before offering your opinion. They need to see you trust them to handle their own business.

3. Be their safe place to fall. Handle their mistakes with the gentleness you hope others handle yours. That does not mean that you can't deliver consequences but they have to be natural and fair.

4. When they are rude, offer them a chance to try again. Make sure you are always using YOUR "please"s and "thank you"s with them. PLEASE unload the dishwasher. THANK YOU for hanging up your coat. Not saying you do but lots of times parents complaining of rude children are pretty rude to them too.

4. Take a look at the RULES in your house and make sure they aren't excessive. Divide into negotiable and non-negotiable. The non-negotiables should be very few and have the most severe natural consequences (sex, drugs, alchohol etc.). Look closely at the negotiables and see if you are setting your kid up to fail by having unrealistic expectations.

5. Ask yourself if there may be some rules in there that are breaking down your relationship with your child and whether or not it's worth it. For me, it wasn't worth it that my daughter couldn't slam her door. So we let her and it didn't continue because it wasn't getting her desired effect from us - continuing the battle. One time my daughter told me one of our rules was stupid. Upon further review, she was right. You don't want to be in that situation - be proactive!

6. Take the remaining RULES and turn them into PRINCIPLES. Maybe you have lots of rules regarding your property (no eating on the sofa, no wearing shoes in the house). That principle would be: We respect our belongings. Makes it a big positive rather than a million little negatives. We are Christians so we add that we believe everything is a gift from God and we need to be stewards of that gift. You can put your family faith or values into it or not.

A basic principle in our house is - and has been for several years now - "You show me in this house how you will behave outside this house". If I see good attitude and respect for authority/rules, then I can feel comfortable turning you out on to society. If I don't, then I have a duty to the public to keep you in this house :).

After all that, let me tell you that, for the most part, our daughter is now (at 16) not yelling, fighting, slamming, ignoring, sassing, etc. She has chosen (FINALLY) good friends and has a nice boyfriend. She is working and getting good grades and being otherwise responsible (curfew, phone minutes etc.). Over a year ago, I wouldn't have predicted it but so much can change in a year.

I repeat, JUST HOLD ON!

I think that's pretty typical my aunt is going through that with her daughter right now. I was the same way, you couldn't catch me hanging out with my parents. I would come home from school, do my few chores and I was out the door til curfew. I wouldn't even eat dinner at home. I hated being home. That was along time ago and now I enjoy visiting with my Dad again and eating dinner over there. It must really stink. I know my 5 year old comes home from kindergarten and is immediately outside, and I have to drag her in to eat. She goes right back out and I never see her in the summer. Sometimes I have to sit down with her and tell her mommy wants to spend time with her so were going to this place or that place today. She's not trying to avoid me she's just overwhelmed with her many many friends and the great weather. Unless your daughter is disrespectful or causing trouble let her be this is what teenagers do. I know my cousin 14 years old. got a nice ring for Easter and didn't like so threw it at her mom. Oh let me tell you she got in HUGE trouble. Her father snapped on her. This cousin has always been like my lil sister and she's even been very distant to ME lately.

I'd just like to add...find a way to connect with her. Something as simple as taking her out for icecream, just the two of you, or just her and dad, once a week. Insist on at least some sort of connection. Family game night? And if you can, in those moments when you want to scream at her, try being playful and silly if you can muster it. "Oh, you only love me for my millions! Waaaah!" is better than yelling. And it does get the message across. (I used to teach this age...try 30 of them all in one room. Yikes). Oh, and if she is one that when you ask, "How was your day?" and she says "fine." Try to find a more specific question to ask. Or do goofy questions at the dinner table like: "If you had a million dollars and could only spend it in one day, what would you buy." Or, "If you were going to be punished by only being allowed to listen to 3 albums, which would you choose." (And everyone at that table has to answer.) It's a way of opening communication lines in a way that she will think is fun, but not intrusive. Perhaps it can get her into the habit of talking to you again. :) Good luck.

Hi A.,
Do what I do...I look throughout their WHOLE room while they are in school, making sure to not disturb anything.............and then when they get home, I be sure to give them lots of attention and after supper, or even an hour before bed, I go and hang out in my daughter's bedroom, right on her bed.....and my daughter sings like a canary. Just your presence is suppose to make them open up.

Give lots of hugs!

J. In Lakeland,MN

Hi A.. I have 2 wonderful teenage daughters. 14 and 17 1/2. I feel your pain. I agree that being polite, kind and respectful is the basics you should expect from your daughter.
But it is also the time she does need to pull away. I talked to both my daughters and explained what I expected and what that behavior would get them in return. In other words, if they treat family members poorly, then they do not get privileges. But if they can at least be polite, then they can hang in their room all night or get whatever sort of space they need. Teenagers have blinders on and everything revolves around them, but that doesn't mean they can be rude.
Part of it is also being polite back to her, when you really don't want to be. That can be tough, but they learn from our examples. Good luck. It is very similar to when they were toddlers, but after this stage, their out of the house.

While I am a far way off from having teenagers in my house, I do remember vividly what I was like as a teenager. I was never home, and when I was I was in my room with the door closed. I rarely talked with my parents and when I did I was anything but nice. I look back at it all now and it seems so ridiculous. My parents gave me space but I always knew that they loved me and I always cared about what they thought of me even if I didn't show it (which I didn't). I am now very close with my parents and have made amends for the treatment I gave them.
My advice is to not punish her. She is trying to identify who she is and to do that she is seeking independence the only way she knows how. She should be respectful to you but don't push yourself on her. Just be open with her, let her know what you expect of her, and make your house a safe place for her to be.
Good luck!

Well I remember being a teenager and spending most mny time in my room. That was my space and I needed it, I listened to music, wrote stories, poems, talked on the phone.
I think all teenagers go thru it and its a stage. I would recommend to still make her feel included and invited to family events, but I wouldn't force her or punish her. Maybe you can make it a family rule that everyone is at the table for dinner, and spend time that way.
She will grow out of it :) Totally normal.

Hi there,
I think she sounds pretty normal. If I had any advice it would be this. Be sure to set and maintain limits and chores. Princess syndrome can happen so quickly and without much encouragement from you. I had my last teenager turn 20 on Sunday and have watched many of them parade through my house in the last 13 years. The ones I labeled "Solid Kids" were the ones who had to go home for supper, mowing, room cleaning etc...
Good luck and hang in there, Remember, If your teenager isn't mad at you atleast once a week then you're doing something wrong.

Give her some space, yet have limits, responsibilites for her, and time carved out for her. I do therapy with teen girls and parents tend to either freck out and get real mad, or withdraw from their life too much. Do things fun with her, but don't just expect her to talk at the kitchen table. She will be much more willing to talk on a walk, bike ride, in the car, or doing something she likes together. Also PRAISE her like crazy, that is what she needs at this point, for anything good she does tell her how great you think she is so she doesn't have to go looking for that affirmation and attention in the wrong places. Also with the money have limits, ie. you get this ammount per week, or month. For doing __, __, and __. Remember you are preparing her to be an adult sooner then you think! Good luck and keep smiling!
K.

Teenagers spend most of their time in their rooms...away from people...at least that is what I did when I was a teenager. To give me some "family" time I had chores to do and I had to eat dinner with the family. I didn't usually talk any more than "can you pass the peas".
Have you tried going shopping with her? Shown interest in what she's interested in?
Only take away privilidges if she is being disrespectful or doing things that are forbidden in your home. Don't punish her for being a teenager. She will come around soon...give it a couple of years, yes it sounds like a long time, but if you do it right, you and your daughter will be very close!!!