Teenage Son Suspected to Be Drinking

My husband's family would allow my husband to drink alcohol on certain holidays or family reunions but it was always to remain "in check" and no drunkenness. So when my husband was approached my classmates to come to a "great New Year's Eve party" that was going to have beer he just said, "no thanks I've got better plans and better drinks at home."

I guess the point that I'm making is kids are going to try things one way or another...you can either be open to his experiences and be present so you can monitor them or you can be a staunch advocate of them never doing it and have him go behind your back anyway. Frankly, I vote for the openness and honesty route. Now I by no mean advocate underage drinking but if he's going to try it or wants to try it, isn't it better to do it with you in a safe environment than with his friends who may also be drinking AND driving?

Besides, you don't know if this is a problem or not. It could just be teenage rebellion and a try it out phase. I would sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Try not to let the emotions run rampent...you may not be happy about it but if you get fly off the handle angry he's going to bottle up everything and not feel like you are approachable or that he can even have a fair conversation with you which is where I would suggest starting out. I would try a Love & Logic approach on this and let him set his punishment, if it's seen that he deserves one.

Those days I remember well. the way it sounds it probably isn't a big problem of like drinking all the time. I'm 23 and I remember well when I was a teenager and drinking all the time. although mine mostly was just with a few friends while I stayed the ngiht with them. Honestly if you approach your son with any signs of anger it will just push him to lie more.

I would suggest simply saying something like hey we love you but we want to know if your drinking because we don't want you to get hurt. if you think you could handle it may even suggest if you've been drinking and want to come home call us and we will pick you up.

although you may or may not approve of drinking at all sometimes it help to be a little understanding. most likely it is peer preasure getting to him or just the normal teenage rebellion you told me i couldn't do this so i'm going to do it anyways. most likely by the time he is 21 drinking will have become so boring that after the 21st birthday he may not enjoy having more than a few drinks if any. I know by the time I was 21 I had drank enough that now I hardly ever have a drink

I don't have a teenager yet, so I don't know how much weight my thoughts will carry. But as a teen, I was pretty much the only person at parties who DIDN'T drink. Mostly because I didn't like the idea of being out of control of myself (I saw how ridiculous everyone else was when they weren't in control).

Anyway, I wouldn't tell him how you found out (that would put your friend's son in a really awkward position). You might just approach the conversation as: I realize that a lot of your friends may be drinking, and I trust you to make the right decision on that. Here is why I don't think it's a good idea... What are your opinions on the subject?

This will open the conversation without placing blame or putting him on the defense. I've read that starting conversations like this in the car is helpful because they find it easier to be open with you when you're not face-to-face.

Try to end the conversation with: I trust your judgement to do what's right for you. If you find yourself in a situation where you're uncomfortable, or if you have ANY doubt whether you or your ride should be driving, I want you to know that I will come pick you up anywhere at any time and there will be no consequences. (Of course you would have another conversation about the situation the next day, but you want to make sure he's not afraid of calling you for help.) You could also point out that his family, including his little sisters, would be devistated if he made a wrong decision and ended up hurt (or worse). Imagine how HE'd feel if one of them got hurt. They need him to make good decisions for himself.

I would think that keeping safety, not morality, the main focus of your conversation would be most effective. Good luck with this.

B.,

My situation is almost the same. Except I have two sons 17 and 18. I found out that this friends house who they went to often the parents there let the kids drink. Luckily I was invited to their sons graduation party and I just told them straight out very nicely I didn't want my kids drinking at all because of the genetic alchoholism that appears to be in their family. They have quit going over there. This parenting thing is hard. Especially when you have an x who allows drinking. I have that too. So if you come down like you would if you were still married to his other parent. That would be that. But we are in the akward position of if you come down that hard they will leave - go to the other parents and then you wont be able to see if the problem escalates. Lots of parents who are not in our situation will say things like "just forbid it", "ground him", "take everything away". Well if they were in my shoes I may take their advice. If they had experienced what they say maybe... But most who advise are not in our shoes. I'm not saying condone it at all. But we can't make people do what we want. One of my favorite quotes is "A good leader doesn't make people do what he wants. He gets people to want to do what he wants."
Lots of words just come out to teens like "blah,blah, blah". Share your concerns ask him to be honest with you. And then keep an eye out. You may not smell it. Vodka has no smell. And the conversation he had with your friends son that may or may not have been the truth. Sometimes kids lie and puff things up to each other to look cool. Sometimes though they don't. I would check his room. (and not let him catch you) If you find hidden bottles then there may be a problem. I'm treading the same water you are. Hang in there. God Bless

I am the mother of a 17 year old daughter, and three younger sons. She experimented as well, but I wasn't totally shocked. She is a great girl and I have taught her well and she knows I don't want her drinking. It is normal behavior for teens to experiment some, which I know she did on a couple of cases, but not regularly. If you haven't seen it at all and know he doesn't do it regularly, I would just calmly talk to him about it. I don't ask my daughter if she is drinking all the time, because I know she doesn't, but when she is going somewhere I will ask, "Is there going to be drinking there?" I think its important not to panic, not to overreact or lecture him. I just tell her always, "I don't want you there if there is going to be drinking, people can get hurt." or "You can get hurt." and make it clear that way that its important to me because I want her to be safe, not a nagging type of approach. I think its important to give the reasons. I often will check up or call parents to make sure and that drives her crazy, but she knows I want her safe and she knows I'll do it. When she says, "That's really embarrassing," I say, "Yeah, but I know how teens are and I want to make sure you are safe, that's my job." You want it to be an open relationship with you and him, and for him to feel like he CAN come to you and you won't "bite his head off." She has recently been coming to me to talk about childhood friends or people at her work or school experimenting with drugs and we talk about how stupid that is when we can obviously see the effects and consequences of those behaviors, stating, "They had such high potential and they are really messing up. I'm so glad you know better. How are they ever going to find a job? They could end up dead. That is very dangerous." If you yell or panic or bring about strong punishment, you are going to make it clear to him he can't come to you. Have a heart to heart with him about it, expressing you don't like it. From what my daughter has told me of kids that come from great families slipping up bad with drugs and alcohol, nothing is shocking anymore and if my daughter has experimented with alcohol a couple or few times, not even enough for me to notice, I know its not a problem and I consider myself lucky compared to what many other parents are going through.

my concern is that all of your info is coming from your friend & her son. This is a huge red flag to most teenagers: as in, oh sure, you're so ready to believe the worst in me, Mom. You're listening to stories from other people. Why should I even try to tell you my side of the story?.......been there, done that, heard it all from our own son!

Be very careful to avoid that trap. & I'm sorry, but if your friend's son was truly a "close" friend of your son... then he'd know what was going on! He wouldn't have to make a point to ask. Who's playing who here????

As for the rest of this issue, if you are not seeing signs of this at home...then it truly sounds as if this is just a little experimentation & not alcoholism. Let him know your feelings, beliefs, & rules/consequences. & truly, I would apologize to him for involving your friend's son (whether it was your call or your friend's)....it was a breach of confidence. Acknowledge this & maybe your son will open up. I wish you Peace.

I don't mean to be rude, but your post comes across, to me, as naive and judgmental. When approached by you, your son "denied having a problem." That means you went from hearing that someone saw him ingest alcohol to asking/accusing him of having a drinking problem. (And your friend's son sounds like a rat and a goody-two-shoes!) If I were your son, I'd be loathe to confide in you too, because in your case, the classic teenage line--"You wouldn't understand"--may be true. BTW, I'm curious what "household events" "exposed the news." All very melodramatic. My hunch is if you can ease up a bit and try to avoid overreacting, your son will be much more likely to confide in you. Just my two cents.

My parents let me have a few sips of their drinks when I was growing up. I knew what tasted good to me and what didn't.

So when I started drinking in high school, I had a much better idea than my friends. I also had a better idea of how much it took to affect me. I had the common sense to not drink and drive because my parents talked to me about it as I took sips of their drinks. My friends' parents did not.

I ended up being "sober cab" for most of my friends. They knew that if they ever had too much to drink and they needed to get home (or somewhere else), they were to call me. Any time. I would get out of bed and drive them, or leave work and drive them, or whatever was necessary so they did not get behind the wheel of the car. That, I'm sure, saved lives.

Basically, have conversations with your son. Be realistic in what you are asking him to do. Also, be aware of what others his age are doing. Give him every opportunity to be responsible. If you know and he knows that all his friends really are drinking to get drunk, help him to be the one that will be a friend at all hours in any circumstance. I'm positive that my parents' confidence and trust in me helped me to be the sober one driving, not the drunk one in need of a ride.

You can purchase a drug/alcohol screening kit at a pharmacy. Tell him your concerns, that if he passes weekly screenings, it won't go further. If he won't, get him to an addiction counselor who will evaluate and be able to tell you if he is using or not. If he is, try outpatient treatment. This is serious, I've run a rehab for teenage girls in georgia, and it all started with alcohol. Do this
quickly...and be firm. Addicts (if he is one) lie quite a bit... Get him help while he's still under your roof...

Sneaky teens and drinking is "normal" yes, but not okay. You should have a sit down, no anger, conversation with him. Give him a chance to tell you his side of this and tell him why it's not a good idea. If you have never talked to him about this then you can't assume he knows. Teens have to test their limits. As a parent you have to set the limits and give him consequences for his actions. Make the consequences really hurt or he won't care...take his car, make him accountable for his time and check up on him...Let him know that you will be watching and checking up on him if you believe he can't be trusted. This may not stop him from sneaking around, but at least he'll know where you stand. Good luck.