Teenage Son - New Haven,CT

I have had this problem more than once and I told my son that when he can prove he is responsible enough to leave home, at that point I will let him go, but otherwise he can wait until he is 18.
Proving he is responsible enough would include doing chores, respecting the rules and getting rid of the attitude because in the REAL world you can't do what you want when you want without some type of consequences.
I find that the best way to handle unruley teens is to take things away. Computer, Car Keys, cell phone ect... and then let him earn them back by doing chores, making dinner, being kind to everyone in the house.
If he wants out let him prove that he has what it takes. It might take him until he is 18 anyway.

I do not have teenage children, but I can tell you this - I was just the way your son was, and my guardians had me go on my own at age 17 1/2. It was a wake-up call, but that was the best move they did because it took me falling flat on my face to realize what reality was. I did graduate with my diploma, though, I was living with an aunt. So, I would encourage your son that whoever he lives with that he continues school. There are no opportunities with a high school drop out, and he is so close to finsihing, but I honestly can tell you, it was the best thing that my guardians did. And when I was 19, and moved out on my own, I made mistake after mistake. That is the best way to learn - through his own mistakes. It's harsh, but perhaps he'll come crawling back realizing the mistakes he made before it's too late.

Hi R. B.,
Yes I have the same problem only thing diffrent is I have a daughter and she is 15 yr old and thinks she is 20. Likes to run the mouth too much bosses her brother around calls him names. When visiting her friends seems she totaly diffrent not the daughter that lefted out of the house and when she is not visiting and stays home she is wounderfull but still picks on her brother he's 11 yr old and he is husky and is trying to loss pounds but most of it is still baby fat. And picks on him b/c he has a learning problem and trys to figure it out. And when he ask her for some help she snaps at him.

Well that's it for know I don;t want to get to carry away.
Any question feel free to ask.

R. A.

I do not have teenage children but I did go through this as a teenager. At age 17 I moved out of my parents home. As much as you don't want to hear this it actualy worked out for the best. Yes I did drop out of day school, however I attended night school and graduated with a diploma and I got pregnant at a young age. However, I have since graduated college, married, have 3 kids, and a job that I love. I am became best friends with my parents after I moved out. I needed to be able to do things my way and I am much happier because of it. Your son may be feeling the same thing. Also a friend's daughter moved out at 16. Within 6 months she was back because she saw what the "real world" was like and decided she would rather be at home. It's a sticky situation I know. And I know my parents had a really hard time accepting what happened, but he's 17, and although he's not an adult, you are ultimately going to either let him continue this behavior or kick him out for awhile. Good luck!

As much as you do not want to do it, boot him out, if he thinks things are better on the outside without the comfort zone of mom and dad, so be it. I have a 16 and 17 year old and every so often they like to test the waters, I have an advantage I give them the choice to either live with me and by my rules, or go live with your father and step mother, then they help by saying if you can't live by my rules, then you can live on your own. It scares them back into reality that life at home is really not that bad. Good luck to you, there are pleanty of parents who have and will go through the same thing you are.

I have a son the same age and yes he feels that he is grown. I had to say to him just before school started why doesn't he go stay at a family members house to give us a brake before I hurt him. What does he like to do beside hang with his friends. I find that If I take something from my son that he likes doing, it kind of puts him back into perspective. I know what your going through about the no listening. Have you and him tried just having some one on one time together so he knows how you feel about things?

Hmmm... not sure what to tell you. I really don't think it has anything to do with how you raised him. When i was younger my parents were pretty strict with my sister and me, so my sister became the rebellious one. I remember when i was about 15 she used to run away all the time and get into fights and all kinds of rebellious teenager stuff, but I never got that bad. I think it had more to do with your kid and his friends that influence him, and sorry to say by now I'm not sure there is much you can do to get him to straighten up. He's at the age where he's close enough to being a "legal" adult, and thinks he can do as he damn well pleases. He probably figures he can do whatever he wants and if you try to punish him, he'll probably just walk out anyways. This is what I fear the most when my daughter grows up, because if she ends up like this it's I know I'm not going to want just sit there and let her do whatever she wants and then only to get a phone call that she's gotten into some kind of trouble, but on the other han what can you do? Because they just won't listen.

R.-
I am only 22 years old, and I once was the daughter your son is being. The worst thing you can do for him is throwing him out because no matter what, any misfortune he encounters after that WILL be your fault. Well not really but he'll think it that way. Teenage boys these days seem to be out of control- but keep in mind that it is NOT your or his fathers fault. It is more than likely the influence of those around him. Does he have a job??? If not that would be the best thing for him...to begin to teach him responsibility...he will be much more grateful if he's out there earning his own money, feeling as though he is taking care of himself. These days boys rebeling and doing what they want is an epidemic. I am sure it is a phase but without your or his fathers support it will only get worse. If he is constantly being repremanded or confronted about his actions he is only going to act worse. If you haven't already sit him down and tell him you are not trying to control him, you are only trying to help him because he is your son and you will love him no matter what. Like I said before a lot of his actions is probably due to the company he keeps-boys are always the most impressionable, but you cannot ask that he change his social circle-that will lead to resentment.
I was in a lot of trouble when I was his age, with the law, with drugs etc. My parents loved me unconditionally and stuck by me no matter what. I eventually grew up after facing things no one my age should face. Life is all trial and error these days. The worst part about it is you have to figure these things out for yourself-meaning your son. He has to make his own mistakes and learn from them. Just support him but definitely don't allow him to walk on you or your husband, he will only take advantage. I wish you the best with him- I am here if you need more advice-T.

The best thing is to let him have some room BUT, and be very clear to him about this, he must get a job and pay a little something ($50.00 a week ?). Because if he wants to start acting like an adult it is high time he starts having the responsibilities of an adult. Watch how long it takes him to realize the "real" world is less forgiving than his parents! ;) Even if he is still in school he can get a part time job. Make him more responsible for the things he wants and needs. I'll bet it won't take him long to start having more respect for how hard you and his father work to provide him with his creature comforts.

I don't have a teenager yet, but I was one not too long ago, I was wild and unruly. What settled me down was my first son at 17. I hope that's not your case, but it was then that my parents hard work really showed. I stepped up, straitened up, graduated early, got a job, and new right them that I wanted nothing else in this world but to be the best mom I could be. To this day it is the thing I cherish most, it is my hobby, who I am, and I would be so lost without motherhood. Anyways now being on the other side, obviously I want the best for my kids, and would like to help shape them into well rounded adults.It is difficult to say what I would do, but I have to tell you honestly I think id make their lives hell! Looking back I think I had too much freedom.(and I did not have much) I know that at that age things get to be real hard as a parent. You ground your child, they run away, or sneak out I realize that there are huge challenges at this age.Just think in a year he will be 18 and then they can do whatever he wants. If it were me I would tighten the reigns. absolutely no freedom without parental supervision until it is earned and then give it sparingly. I like the suggestion of having him get a job this will also be great because while he's out of school at least he will have his foot in the door somewhere and can bump up to full time.Help him find a healthy hobby. If he is going to continue to live under your roof have him contribute.Do not kick him out, he would like that. when I had my son I lived with my dad, we did not make any verbal contracts but I felt I had the responsibility to do whatever I could. What ended up happening was my dad would stay home with my son (he works from home) and I would work (3-4 jobs sometimes). I would bring home the money, give all most every bit of it to my dad for bills and groceries I would by my son something nice so that I felt like I had some rewards for earning the money. I would clean the house before and after work each day. And when I was home I spent every possible moment looking after MY son, being with him, playing with him. My son is my angel, he taught me so much and allowed me to step up and be the wonderful person I was not letting shine. Obviously not a goal any parent has for their teenager, I understand that. But perhaps if you could enforce a strict setting of chores, work and earning things. earn you right to go out, earn you right to leave. earn your freedom. He is older now but you are still MOM! Maybe while enforcing rules you could find ways to become closer to him, open up and talk with him, be his friend too. Even if he does not want to go out of the house and be seen hanging out with mom, go to a different town and do something fun, go ride roller coasters together! have a pillow fight in the living room. Have him teach you something, if he likes to skateboard or bike ride or what ever he is into, show an interest, tell him you would like to learn from him and really try to have fun with it. Don't forget to tell him he can always talk to you, and that you love him no matter what! I hope I am not totally crazy or scaring you, I hope this helps! I really do. I wish you the best. And please know that while this time can be so hard on a parent, that it is perfectly normal behavior (helps shape us for adulthood) and reach back and give yourself a pat on the back MOM because you deserve it!