May I share my story? It's a bit long, but I think this is an important topic. I am a retired school teacher. I used to teach junior/senior high. That is grade 7-12 in Canada. As one of the "cool teachers" many kids confided in me that they were sexually active. They wouldn't "dare tell mom and dad". Kudos to you for creating that open communication. You are a huge step ahead of many other parents today whose kids hide eveything from them. You are obviously doing something right.
So I will share with you what I have shared with too many of my students in the past. I would sit down with them and talk straight. (Oh and I should add that I used to teach in Catholic schools where we were not allowed to speak of sex, only abstinence - oops! LOL)
"Sex is great, I will agree with you. You get all tingly, you get all excited, you feel a rush of adrenalin and oh the feelings of mmmmmm. It is a wonderful experience. It truly is an amzing experience. (add dramtic sigh here)
You know, kind of like when you are on field and you get that winning goal, right? Or when that cute guy looks at you in "that way" for the first time. Even the excitement in that first kiss you had with him.
I know, I know, sex is different you are thinking. How can I compare it to "soccer"? Well, think about it. You had to "practise" for the big game didn't you? (you had to date before you would 'do It') You had to practice using the "equipment" and not looking like a fool (you do use condoms, right?). Then you had to study the "play book" (you know not too fast, not too slow, timing is everything). Then on game day you had to plan, prepare and focus (you know you don't want to mess it up in the first 3 minutes of the "game")
**usaully by this point they are either laughing or rolling their eyes at me. - So I go on
"So then, here it is, time for the big goal. You both line up you move in and WHAM it's in there. Now what? Well on the field you get the cheers of the crowd, the admiration of your friends (okay that might happend after sex too depending on your friends!), your family, your friends, your teachers, your aunts, your uncles, your friend parents, even the guy at the grocery store is proud of you. You can relive that moment over and over again. And if you are any good at the game, you can do it all again over and over again in the same night... in the same 3 hours. You might even win a trophy or a special commendation in the newspaper or even a scholarship! You may have just created one of the best lasting memories of all time.
But sex, well sex is good too. But it is over in a matter of minutes. Oh sure, there might be some nice "foreplay" but truly, it really only takes a few minutes. Then what? Do you run around and do backflips and get admiration from your team, your friends, your school, your parents? Mostly likely not. What about doing it over and over again all night long. Not going to happen. And as for the admiration...well I guess, if a pregnancy occurs your child can admire you for the next oh 20 years or so. There is also the lasting memory of, "was it the right time?", "will it matter to me tomorrow?", "what about when we break up, how will I feel when he is with another girl?" Ah yes, the lasting memories. So I guess you have thought all that through.
I think you get the idea.
T., you are the parent. You and I know kids are having sex. And they are doing things to each other that they don't even consider sex (BJ's etc.) We can't stop that.
My advise, talk straight. Don't use scare tactics, they don't work, kids are too desensitized. Tell her what you truly feel. If you don't like it say so. If you want her to take responsibilty for her actions, then mtell her do so. You are her mother, not her friend. Educate her and let her know you love her. Will her heart get broken? There is a really good chance it will. Most likely there will be 2, yours and hers. But that is part of growing up, for both of you.
So listen to what your heart is telling you. Not what the media says, not what you "think" you should do or say. What does Theresa want to say to her daughter? What does Theresa want for her daughter? And I guess most importantly, what can both Theresa and her daughter live with?
Blessings to you both
B.
PS My daughters are 11 & 8...I know my time will come.