Teenage Mother Who Needs Help!

I know your question isn't "Should I have baby's last name be the same as mine or the daddy's?" but, can your mom make that choice.

No, your mom can't make that choice, BUT I want to share a story with you. I've been a close "older sister/mom" mentor of a young lady for the past several years. I knew her when she was 13 and when she became pregnant at 16. She is now turning 19 in Jan. and baby girl will be 3 in Dec. She wanted the daddy's name on the birth certificate because he WAS stepping up to the plate at the time of her pregnancy. He even stayed in the picture for the entire first year. A few months after that she was going to move in with him and they were going to have their own apartment. Things didn't go well. They separated by her choice. He got a new girlfriend and she moved in with him. He and the girlfriend didn't do the best job taking care of the little girl while in his care. When the little girl was just over 2 years of age they were in the court battling over custody (he didn't want to pay child support, didn't care that the girl had a food allergy, and smoked around her). She won custody and daddy barely cares to see the girl now. This teenage mom now REGRETS having the girl have her last name. (I know you are thinking, "Well that happened to that girl and won't happen to me." but it happens many more times than you would like to admit.)

I KNOW you think this will work out and you all will live happily after. I hope you do!!!! But, please take this old lady's advice and advocate for your child's well being right now. You can always change your child's name when the two of you marry and you change your name. Consider it a "two-fer" :)

It is MUCH easier (and cheaper) to change a name in a positive direction than a negative one.

I wish you all the best. I'm glad you found MP. It helped me a lot when I was a first time mom. :)

Your mom is looking after your best interest. I totally agree with her. You are very young and unmarried. It's always better to give the child your name, until you are older and married. It's easier to gain a name, then to change the name to yours when/if you and the father aren't a couple.

I'm not attempting to be condescending here. However, you have been on the earth for 17 years. You are not legally an adult. You are in a teenage relationship. The likelihood of this relationship lasting, is slim. If it does, that is wonderful. You can change the name, then. If it doesn't, your child is stuck with his last name, when you are the primary parent and caregiver. Your mom is older, wiser, and can foreshadow the road you're on. My advice, is to listen to her this time. She won't always be right about your child. She is this time.

Your mom probably can't force you to give your child your last name, but it would make thinks a heck of a lot easier for you. (It also might make things easier for paying for your child's birth and healthcare if your baby is going on your parents' health insurance.)

You are 17 and not married. The reality is that your boyfriend is there for you now but likely will not be there 3, 7, 10 years down the road, and you'll have a child whose name is not yours. Let your child have the same name as you. If you get married to your boyfriend someday, then you can change the baby's name.

Update: You are the "mom." However, if you are living with your mom, you are also your mom's dependent which makes your baby your mom's dependent as well. So, you have put your mother in the position of not being "just a grandma" to your child. You have become a mom without being an independent adult, which means that she is going to have a lot more say in your life than you might like. If you do NOT like your mom having a say, you need to become legally emancipated (allowed in IN by marriage or being able to show the financial ability to care for yourself or certain other conditions) and live independently of either set of parents.

Keep your name as the last name. If you are not married, for school purposes and other legal purposes, the child's last name matching your last name makes sense. I think it makes it easier if you are the primary caregiver in terms of school, and just the comfort of having the same name as your primary parent.

He can still be on the birth certificate as the father, I believe. But it will be much easier for you and your child if your names are the same. Nothing will stop him from being a father as long as both of you want this to happen.

If you all come the the realization that you can be a legal family and get married, then you will all have his last name.

You've gotten good advice so far but I also feel like I agree with those that said she can't tell you what to do, but it is good advice. It's great your BF is helping and supportive, but honestly, you are young and you don't know if you'll be with him forever. I think you should give the baby your last name and wait it out. Yes, as others said, it can be difficult to get a name changed but wouldn't you rather change it to a positive thing, as in someday putting her father's name with hers, than wondering if you should change it for a negative reason, i.e. the father is no longer being as supportive. I hope that your boyfriend doesn't become the statistic for your child's sake and for your sake.

I know your mom is upsetting you and you need to tell her that, but remember she is only trying to help, which I know doesn't always help you cope, but it's true! ;)

She can't force you to do anything.

But, she is a lot older & wiser than you. The likelihood of your relationship with this boy working out long term, and him sticking around, is not very high, unfortunately. I think your mom is looking out for your best interests.

Technically you mom has no say in what you name your child but if you're going to be living with her and are counting on her to help you through this time, I would not die on this hill (meaning...let her win this argument as you need her more than you'll ever know). Her logic makes sense. I was a single mother and my oldest son has my last name from before I was married. Given that my family and I raised him, that makes sense.

If your boyfriend sticks around, great. If you two are married 5 or 10 years from now, wonderful! Change your baby's name then. But right now...listen to your mom.

If he is at the birth, he should be able to be listed as the father on the birth certificate after you both sign a voluntary acknowledgment of paternity (VOP) at the hospital. He should be listed as the father, and you will need this to get child support. The baby's last name and paternity are not at all related.

I think it's great that the father of your child is around....now. If *I* were in your shoes the child would have my last name on the birth certificate. If your boyfriend is there then he can certainly sign the birth certificate, but I would keep your name there.
Statistically, he is probably going to leave you to be a single mother. I am sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. It's better to have your name on the cert. so that when your child starts going to the doctor, preschool, regular school, if you travel, then the child will just have your name and there isn't a lot to "prove" to other folks.
Your mother can't and shouldn't do a thing. But, as an (almost) mother I truly believe the best thing to do is put YOUR last name. If, in 5 years (or whatever) you two decide to marry then it's really not that hard to change the child's last name. Just do it when you change yours.
L.

Who is taking care of you? Who is footing the bill? What's the child's father do for a living? Planning on marriage in the future?

Your mother is probably worried and/or angry and scared for your future and the future of your child. Right or wrong, she may consider the person who got her 16 year old daughter pregnant, a loser. (Just speaking bluntly).

If you plan to stay in your mother's home and she will be footing the bill, I would suggest to her that the father's name should be on the birth certificate so in future you can request child support for your unborn child. If she disagrees, just go along with her (for now), because when you become 18 you can move out with your child and do what you want to do, including changing the child's last name.

You are about to become a mother and this is a life changing and wonderful event.....Don't spoil it with details that can be altered in future.

Best wishes mom....take good care of yourself and understand that your mother loves you so.

She can't make you. She doesn't have the authority. If I were you, I would call a family lawyer and ask for a free consultation. If you can't get down there, ask for a free consultation over the phone. Tell the lawyer the circumstances (keep it short), and ask what the pros and cons of giving the baby your boyfriend's last name are. Will it help get child support? What if you decide that having a baby is too hard or your mom throws you out - will having your own name make it easier to adopt out the baby? What are the pros and cons of naming the father on the birth certificate?

Know the answers to these questions before you deliver. Tell the nurse that you want to see the woman about the birth certificate IN PRIVATE. The woman should be warned in advance and when she comes in, she should ask your mother to leave. If your mother refuses, she should not proceed.

With both of my kids, I was not ready to name the baby when the woman showed up. I was still trying to decide what my baby's name would be. She had to come back later. Don't be pushed by ANYONE to name your baby or sign the certificate before you are ready. Your mother will have to take a break from sitting in your room sometime. You can always walk down to the lady's office to sign the forms.

Know the why's and how's before you get into the hospital. It will make things easier. You should not do what your mom asks because she is telling you "what to do". You should do it if it makes sense legally to do it. It isn't enough for your mom to say "I am telling you to do this because I said so and I'm your mother." She SHOULD be taking you to a lawyer and asking WHY naming the baby after you is in your best interests.

You have chosen to grow up really early by acting like a grown up with your boyfriend. You have to act like a grown up now all the time and do right by this child, whether that means keeping this baby or giving it up for adoption. If you let your mom do all the childcare and take a backseat to her, then you will be shirking your responsibilities as a parent, and your mother will treat you like a child. Instead, you should be the one handling the baby at home, talking to the pediatrician about what the baby needs, and not expecting your mom to do all the work. The only time your mom should be caring for the baby is while you are working on graduating from school and when you are working at a job.

Focus on standing up for yourself after you find out the legal FACTS. You can compromise with your mom on small things, but on the big things, you need to be grown up now. I hope you are up for the challenge.

Dawn

I don't think your mother can do anything like that. But looks like she is concerned because you are still so young. Maybe she feels your boyfriend might not remain as dedicated in the long term.
I would suggest giving the child your last name (or it can be any random name as well, check on that) and once you and your boyfriend get married you can always change your and your child's last name at that point. It's just a wise thing to do , I hope you guys stay in love forever but at this point be wise, it's not a rule that a baby should have dad's name as his/her surname. You can hyphenate both your last names if he is very particular about this and if you think this will cause an issue in your relationship with him. But if he doesn't care much about the name, then just use yours. Just like you don;t get his last name until you are married to him , your daughter won't get it too until the marriage happens.

It's your choice in what you decide to name your child. However, you need to realize that your mother knows a lot more than you do, and you should listen to her opinions and consider her advice.

Something to think about... the odds that BF will remain a large part of your childs life 10 years from now, is very slim. The chances your mom will be huge.

Something else to think about.... who's going to support this child. Physcially.... I'm guessing mom will be babysitting while your in school or working, helping you feed and diaper the baby. Financially... where will the baby live, who's paying for food, diapers and clothing, electricity, hot water, etc. That person should have a major say in how this child is raised, including it's last name.

Aw. Your poor mom. She's probably just freaking out knowing what is a huge possibility with such a young mom/dad. I gave birth to my 1st 3 weeks after turning 18 and I lived with my parents. The father was not involved (ever and she's 11 now). I gave her my last name and I'm glad I did.
Ignore her "demands" and try to have a talk with her about what she's really worried about and REALLY listen to her! And make sure that you're heard too, but please know that she most likely has nothing but fear about what you might possibly go through.

Sorry but Mom needs to butt out. Or should I say Grandma, she is Grandma now not Mom ----- YOU are MOM and BF is DAD the decisions are yours. Ask your Mom how much imput she allowed her Mom to have on decisions about you.

There is the role of Mom (yours) and the role of Grandma (Hers).

I send my best wishes to you this is a difficult task before you but soooo rewarding.

Sorry if I am repeating... BUT... ..... Really... WHO is BLOOD? The father wants to be part of your child's life. That's commendable on his part. I'm sure your mother is hurt and upset over the pregnancy, but you have to give kudos to the father. As far as I know, only the mother has the legal right to state the father's name on the birth certificate. And, in truth, isn't it important for the father AND your child to have it documented who the dad is? If the dad wants to be part of your child's life and help support the child, then he should be on the certificate. If he just wants to be acknowledged but does not want to help financially, then he should DEFINITELY be listed on the certificate. You never know what the future holds, so he should be listed regardless what the future may hold.
Best of luck and keep strong! Please let us know how your delivery goes, what you decide on with the certificate, etc...

Upon reading other posts, may I suggest this: If your last name is "Smith" and his is "Jones", why not hyphenate the name or even say (if it's a boy) Jason Taylor Smith Jones or something of the like?? Just a thought...

You are a teen with hormones raging. Yes, it is nice that "he" is there now but what about the long run? Most men lose interest in children quickly that they are not ready to parent.

A co-worker's daughter had a son and put the father's name on the birth certificate. What resulted was pure hell from the father. He made all kinds of crazy demands about what the child could and could not do and what the mother could and could not do. She couldn't leave the state to better herself and take the child. He was not interested in bringing up the child just wanted to be a PIA.

So do look at what you do and make sure deep down in your heart of hearts that this IS what you really want to do and be prepared for any fall out that might come from the father that is not there. Maybe you will be one of the few that make it but the odds are stacked up against this that you will succeed.

Who is going to care for the baby while you are at school getting your diploma? Who is going to care for the child while you are in college? Who is going to care for the chld while you are at work? Your childhood is over and you are now an adult. It is no longer about what you want to do it is about what you will do for your child. You have a backseat for the next 19 years of your life.

Most of the moms on here that have said give the chlid your last name meant it in a sincere manner. We have been there, done that, seen that, or know of someone who has done that.

Keep us posted on the delivery. I hope that you have a qucik, safe, and healthy delivery.

The other S.

D.,
This is a huge personal choice. I gave birth to my son, and his dad was not around. I chose to give him my last name, which made things easier with school and his personal papers etc, because his last name matched mine. His dad and I got back together when he was 5, and married. At which point I changed our son's last name. So, giving him your last name is not a done deal on any level. You can change the last name at any time. The questions are:
1-Why is it a fight between you and your mom?
2-Why do you want to give your child the father's last name. Because you feel it's right or because your mom is saying no.
3- What is the big deal if he has his father's last name?

As the birth mother, you can name your child what you wish, as all the paperwork will be filled out by you. I'm not sure what the laws are in IN. You may still be considered a minor. As I said, this is a huge personal decision, that you can always change. Your last name, if you want to keep the peace between you and your mom, especially if she is the one that is going to be taking care of you and baby. Later on if all goes well with your BF and you continue to be together, you can change it before he starts kindergarten. It is also your BF's right to give his child his surname. Good luck on all you are about to experience and do.

If I am correct, in the hospital the baby has to go by your last name.. However when you fill out the birth certificate you can put your boyfriends last name if you would like. You can call social services at the hospital. They should give you a definitive answer.

Legally, your mother can not make you put your name as the child's name. In fact, your mother can not make you do anything with the paperwork.

That being said, you need to decide what you want. My daughter and I had different last names until my husband adopted her. It didn't mean anything. The school, teachers, anything she did outside of there (getting a bank account, sports, etc.) didn't give a rats fanny about her last name being different from mine. It's difficult to change a child's name no matter what and even if you give this child your last name and you marry someone, that doesn't change the child's name. The child will still have your maiden name.

NO! It is the decision of you and the child's father. Your mother has not legal standing in this decision. You are now an adult and it is up to you to make adult decisions.

Only one parent has to sign the birth certificate. And the parents of the child fill it out. So when you fill it out just put your boyfriends name as the child's last name, if that's your choice, sign it and give it back to the hospital personnel who bring it in to you. or have your boyfriend fill it out and sign it when your mom isn't there :)

ETA: Also talk to the hospital personnel about what YOUR wishes are, they should back you up and respect them.

ETA: Bug ... WHY is it better to give the child HER last name rather than it's FATHER'S last name? What does her being the primary caregiver have to do with the child's last name? I'm not seeing the connection here.

ETA: Legally the child doesn't HAVE to have either parents last name. You can put anything you want in that slot. Make up a last name if you want :)

It does not seem like your mom would have that power if you are the baby's mom and are against her decision (and this sounds very concerning that she wants to be so mean to the child's father before the child is even born.) Check your state laws..google "Indiana baby's last name laws" and see what you find. Good luck and congratulations!

Mom is gonna be there for you and baby whether or not you name it with his or your last name. Will he be there for you unconditionally, as well?

It's your child so your choice. The child doesn't legally have to have the father's name for any reason. As long as he signs the paternal agreement he will be legally obligated to provide for your child.

Ive been in your position I had my 14 year old daughter at 16, and I just recently had twins. I disagree with your mother, after all it is YOUR child. Its great that your boyfriend is there for you, and for the baby. What I think your mother is trying to do is protect you and keeping your from regretting decisions in the future even though it seems that everything is find and dandy now. Congratulations! and hang in there I mean it.
Wishing you the best

I am assuming because you are a young single mom you can get state assistance. I heard that a relative's father did that so that he can make sure HE gets the checks or at least a possibility of taking over the money situation to care for your child. Or at least they stay in the family. Remind your mom that that will not make the child's father responsible (which he should be) for your child. And that by not naming him as the father you have less opportunity in the future to acquire his financial or personal assistance. I understand sometimes people are angry, but you are the same age as my mother was when she had our large family and she did fine married. So,the father is sounding as though he is still there in the picture. No, your mother should not be allowed to do that. But you have to be firm.

legally, your mother is WRONG !if the boyfriend agrees, ( he will probably be asked to sign an affirmation of paternity), you can give the child your boyfriends last name, also, if the child is given YOUR last name or your mothers last name , if it is different, the child will have to be legally adopted in order to be legally given a different last name, even if the child is biologically the boyfriends child . your mother cannot legally prevent him from signing the legal documents( she watches way too many soap operas if she honestly believes such nonsense) and you can tell her i said so!
K. h.

this is your decision, not your mothers. Take a stand now, or she will take over. Some hospitals require the birth fathers signature on certificates.

I just had this conversation in regards to what I had wished I had done. my conclusion....hyphenate! that way if you get married, you still share a name with your child, if you have more children with a future husband that isn't this guy, you still share a name with your child and your children still share a name, well part of a name.

and the father does NOT have to sign the birth certificate for the baby to have his name, but you can't get child support if he doesn't sign the birth certificate either.

As much as your mom wants to say she has the right to make that decision--she doesn't.

Your mom is just looking out for you and the baby and a part of her is afraid that the father won't always be around for the baby because sadly enough it's happen so many other times to other women that she is just assuming that will be the case for you and your child.

My brother in law recently went through something similar. He is 19, not sure how old his ex-girlfriend is but she had a baby girl. Well the baby girl does NOT have his last name because at the time of the delivery and all of that my brother in law would show up to the hospital high and she would kick him out because she didn't want her daughter around that-not that I blame her.

My BIL would throw hissy fits over this and slam the door and everything else so she finally told him that she refuses to let him see his daughter until he grows up-and I support that decision 100%.

So lastly, I would say it is your choice. But talk to the father about it as well and keep in mind your mom is just looking out fo ryou.

Your Mom doesn't really get a say in what you name your child. If your baby's father is involved and will be there for you and the baby, I think you are right to give him his last name. She will be making more problems for you by pushing the issue, tell her that. Tell her you respect her opinion, but this is between you and your boyfriend, and the decision has been made. She'll get over it. :)

Congrats on your baby!

I don't think your mom is allowed, but that may not be the case since you are not 18 yet. However, you are the mother of your child, so I would assume that would make no difference how old you are when you give birth. I would think it was your choice, and your decision. If I were your mother I would let you choose which name your child will have when they are born. It's your responsiblity.

Next. I want to wish you an easy labor and delivery. It is not easy at any age, and I hope you and your child are healthy and happy. Good luck to you and yours!