Teen with "Something" Missing, but Unable to Identify What That Something Is

Hi, L.:

Allow him to get through it on his own. He'll discover what it is he needs.

Good luck. D.

Hi L.- Gosh you could be writing about my "step"son. He too, is in his junior year, plays Varsity Basketball, same grades as your son, same personality. He goes to Abington Friends.. does your son go there?! :)
John has found that basketball isn't fun anymore. John hates practice, comes home miserable, however he is in great spirits game day. We also talked to the coach and he said that John doesn't seem to have his heart into it.
We too, have given John the blessing to stop playing but he doesn't want to do that. He keeps on saying that it's not fun anymore and we tell him most competitive sports at a Varsity Level are much more challenging. There is more at stake.. scholarships, etc.. some of these kids on the varsity team don't have a chance at a D1 or D2 college without scholarships so they have become very cocky on the court and don't play as a team bc they want to outshine everyone. John also mentioned that there isn't a team feeling anymore which is a big problem on and off the court. He said that he used to feel close to some of the guys on the team and doesn't anymore. Now my son also does not drink or do drugs but we know some of these kids do that and sometimes he thinks he's excluded from parties bc they know he is very serious about alcohol and drugs, he still loves to hang out and go to parties but they know he's very straight-laced because his mother is an alcholic.
Anyway - have you ever watched a team practice? The parents aren't allowed to at AFS - it's a closed practice they call it, however we can sneak and sit outside and watch thru the glass... maybe if you can see what practice is like that might give you some insight? My husband said it's a whole other world at a Varsity Level than JV. Very hard-core!
I'm not sure if this helped or not? My son is very open with us when he is unhappy or has emotions about things. He wears his heart on his sleeve so we knew very quickly that something was wrong. Good luck!!!!

Hi L.
(I am also L. R)
My son is in 9th grade and will be staring to join his fav sport in HS this spring .Same thing sit. as your son does not hang with the kids on the team. My son loves his sport but also does not like to be at it 24/7 so I have a feeling we will have a similar situation.

Anyway I wanted to tell you about my nephew.He is now a senior .Loves Basketball and had the passion to play 24/7.His first year the coach told him he would eventually become an important part of the varsity team so they put him on but he had no play time.In his sophmore year he worked even harder and his grades went down.He had only one interest,basketball and the team. The coach did not play him but kept him on saying he had all the potential and that he would play him soon. So he kept it up.My nephew is only about 5'8"and he noticed that the coach started to stop paying attention to him and only to the taller kids on the team.By his Junior year he did not sign up for the team. The coach never asked why. He joined outside leagues.and started to pay attention to his school work and he started to have a social life which he could not have due to the everyday work outs. He is now a senior and never been happier with his choice.He realized that he would not be able to ever make it as a pro player and that it was OK. But it took a while.His parents encouraged him to play and felt bad when he quit but now that they see he is so much happier.
Another qick story. My friend is married to a guy 6'5". In HS a star player in every sport. Coaches loved him and he probably had a graet chance of going pro in any sport.In his senior year to everyones surprise he quit all the HS teams.They begged him not to. He said that he knew that all along he never wanted to be a pro player and that he was so tired of not having a social life. He wanted to enjoy his senior year and get into a good college.At 34 he still plays Hockey with a league.

So sometimes kids do not quit because they truly love the sport and if they qiut the team will think he was not good enough. The coaches do not care how the students feel they are only interested in winning games for the school and their job security.So they work them for long hours to weed out those that do not have that constant passion.Also many boys that age still believe they can make it pro and they are terrified to quit and give up their dream.
I think your son is somewhere in between.Frustrated with the workout routine but is probably an excellent player,so how could he quit?
Until he can come to terms with his self that he does not want to play for a college scholarship or pro only then he will quit.So you need to support him with his discission and just tell him his options and the consequences. Either discission he makes he will have to feel proud at the end.

Good luck !
And happy Holidays!

L.

Hello.

I agree with the other poster -- you need to find out what's going on in his life. You seem to be involved parents so you probably already ask good questions and know his friends. Do you drive your son and his friends to the movies or wherever else they go to hang out? Listen to what they talk about (without appearing to listen, of course). Are you able to stay at a practice to watch what's going on? Use an excuse like you don't want to drive all the way home and back -- if you need an excuse. Pretend to read but keep a good eye on the practice. If you do read e-mails, texts, etc. DO NOT let him know you did so (unless there is something really serious you need to address) as he will feel betrayed.

Meanwhile, think of something different for him to do. His sport seems to take up a lot of his time, so shoot for something small. What do his other friends do for an activity? I'm sure you don't want him to quit the sport just so he can hang out with his friends all of the time. Sports do seem to be central to a teen boy's list of activities, but there are others. Be involved in a play at his school or others that are open to other students. That can include everything from acting to stage crew to set design and construction. Music -- does he want to learn to play an instrument? Be in a garage band? There are places that rent instruments if you don't to invest in it's purchase especially while you are unsure of the commitment. Choir at church? Bowling league?

If he truly loves competing in the sport but feels that the practice schedule is just too much, find out how else he could play. Most sports have a playground league and some private clubs have teams. My nephew played soccer for the United German Hungarian club.

My son (now a senior in high school) loved crew but it was too much to keep up with the practice schedule and maintain his grades. He misses it, and is sometimes sorry he quit -- then remembers when he has a lot of homework or wants to go to the movies with his friends. But he has joined a lot of other things that keep him active and he's having fun: play (at an all-girls school -- he never lacks for a date for dances!), international cultures club, photography club and others. Plus he has a job. And, we've discovered, there are colleges that have a club crew team which has a lesser practice schedule.

The teen years are a crazy time for them, and I think junior year presents its own challenges. Starting to think about college, grades are even more important as well as the classes he chooses.

Good luck to you.

Hi L., Wow, practice 6 days a week for 2.5 hours?!! Isn't that a bit over the top? Maybe the problem is not the sport or the team but the time it is demanding from him. That really doesn't leave much time for friends, family, homework or even a girl! Maybe he just needs a break and knows that he can't get it so he feels trapped? If he has played the sport so long I can understand why he doesn't want to leave it...even with your blessings...espically since he only has one more year of high school. Not only that but the sport is probably part of how he sees his idenity and can't imagine not playing. Maybe you should see if you can do something about cutting that practice time for him without making him feel like he is "wimping out on the team". Good luck! Best wishes and Happy Holidays.

Okay, first of all, I agree with everyone that that is a grueling schedule!

Now, it sounds as if you've asked all of the right questions, etc....now it's time to back off. Why? Because HE needs to make the choice what to do; it is obvious that he has "outs" if he needs them. This needs to be HIS choice. He is old enough now to not have Mom or Dad "fixing" things for him (although I sypmathyze, as a Mom of a teen myself it is hard not to want to remedy their problems for them).

So, to stay with it or not is his problem to work out. Now, when you state "He comes home with a negative attitude" do I read into that he is negative TOWARDS you or the rest of the family? If so, THIS is something you should address, not the sports thing. I understand that you were going "to the source" to try to fix the problem, hoping that doing that would lead to him being happy and in a better mood. Totally understandable! But now that it is recognized that HE has to make the decision, now you have to address the behavior. The thing is, if it is put forth that HE is the one deciding, then HE is the one choosing the consequences of that. It almost sounds like he is acting as if he is "forced" to do this and coming home sulky, even though that is NOT the case at all. So make it absolutely clear that is it HIS choice (which it sounds like you have, but be prying and lecturing he is not getting that message.
(I have no idea if I am making any sense here).

Anyhoo, I recommend a book, "How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk" by Adele Faber. I think it is PERFECT for this situation! You can get it at the library or very cheap on Amazon.

Remeber to make him responsible for HIS choices and definitely his behavior. The negativity needs to be addressed.

Good luck!

Sounds like your son's entire identity is wrapped up in something that he does not like and does not really represent his "true self". Everyone, yourself and your husband included, has probably always raved about his abilities in this sport. How do you just let that go...even if you hate it. That's where he is getting his validation. Contrary to popular American beliefs, sports are not for everyone. We are brought up to believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't play a sport...particularly if you are good at it and are male. Our sports figures are glorified above all else-starting in the schools.

Also..is this sport by any chance one that you or your husband played in school? Or wished you had? So many times you see the parents living through their children and unconciously pushing them in the wrong direction because the kids want to please their parents. Even though you have given the OK to quit he probably doesn't see it like that. Does he have any other interests (non-athletic) that you can get excited about him pursuiting? What kind of things are his group of friends into?

Lastly...if it were me I would start some serious snooping into his business. Check his email/cell/computer sites he visits. Everything. Follow him. You need to find out if there isn't another reason that this is going on. Do you know his friends? I would get to know them if not. Something serious could be happening right under your nose.

Good luck.

Just a quick addition to Aimee's post, I recently read a book that stressed watching how you praise or encourage your child. You want to make sure you are not praising his particular sport's ability but encouraging his hard work and ethics toward giving his best in what he does. This may help him find more courage to quit the sport and put that energy towards other things.

One last little addition to all of us who are raising teens. Please stop telling them that this is supposed to be the happiest time in their lives!

Seriously , was it for you? If it was, I am sorry. For many, the teen years are full of unnecessary angst and insecurity. Every day is hard. DO you really want to tell them that this is as good as it gets?

The best years of my life has been in my 30s and I expect the best is yet to come!

Try not to put pressure on them to be happy or to think this is as good as it gets!

This is just a thought - but how is his mood? Teenage depression often goes unnoticed and your use of terms like "negative attitude", "unhappy", "lacks the heart" - makes me wonder. It may be worthwhile talking to him about how he feels and if intervention is needed its may be worth seeking out some help through the school or privately. Good luck!